"All in this together"

Not at all sure that we are, and in many ways it's a very patronising thing to say. I am lucky, I had a lifelong, secure, career in teaching & have a good pension. So I'm not in the same position as people on temporary or part time contracts with no job security, and certainly have never been made redundant or been unemployed through no fault of my own.

I came out of college with a degree equivalent qualification & knew that I would get a job after 3 years of study & GCE A & O Levels. I could even chose where I wanted to work, & if I didn't like it I knew I could easily get another similar job anywhere else I chose.

So I feel very sad for all the young people who have come out of education, at whatever level, and have no idea where or how they are going to get a job, let alone a secure career. There is something very wrong when intelligent, qualified people have to work in retail, coffee shops or bars. Or, worse still, can't find work at all. If significant numbers of our young people don't have hope & a productive & worthwhile life, society will, in the end, pay the price.

For the really privileged elite who now run this country it is even more offensive for them to say that "we are all in this together". They are the product of privileged, often private education with it's network of contacts to ease the way. Their parents were either wealthy by birth or created their own wealth. Our leaders, by an large, have no idea what it is to be poor or to have limited choices in their lives. I would have more respect for them if they made an effort to live on an estate, do a dead end job, or even better, fired off dozens maybe hundereds of applications without even the courtesy of a response. If you haven't any experience of confidence sapping rejection you should try it.

If I'm honest I don't know anyone who is in this situation, but I do realise that there has been a mega shift in our society, and I do sincerely try to empathise. Sympathy is no good, it doesn't solve anything. Our young people need action - jobs and apprenticeships.

We aren't even fair about "Internships". What a misnomer. The poor can't afford to work for no pay, while those with reasonably affluent parents will have no problems. When did it become OK for even state run organisations to "employ" people to do jobs without paying them?

Cynically even the "Big Society" is run on similar lines. If volunteers keep vital organisations going without pay they are depriving people of jobs. We have always had a tradition of volunteering & I have had volunteer jobs ever since I got medical retirement over 20 years ago. So I do think it is worthwhile, both for the individual and for society. But not at the expense of precluding young people from working or getting vital services on the cheap.

Increasing the age of retirement may solve one problem, although I doubt it. But it will create more. We need the elderly to retire to create movement upwards in the jobs market. It isn't rocket science. If the elderly stay in their jobs, the young won't have those jobs.

Creating a degree culture has raised the expectations of young people. Now we have far too many graduates & not enough jobs. We have put our young people in the position they are in today & we should do something about it, because it isn't acceptable.

No Room at the Inn

Jesus was born in a stable, so was technically homeless. I wonder what he would think about the number of homeless people in the "civilised" world today. There was "no room in the inn" for him, and there is no room in our hearts for the homeless. We don't want them in "our backyard".

He also had to flee into Egypt to escape Herod's massacre of the innocents. So he was an illegal immigrent too. I would imagine that he would be shocked at the continuing massacre of innocent people all over the world today. He would certainly be shocked at the way immigrents are locked in detention centres. There have been population movements throughout history for a variety of reasons - economic, climatic, as a result of persecution. What gives us the right to deny other human beings a home & a better life? All National borders are man made & have been changed time and again over the years. We don't have a "God given right" to be isolationist.

What has become of pity? Where is our humanity? What price religion in this day and age?

Prisons of the Mind.

We are all self imposed prisoners. We are prisoners of convention, of what other people think and expect of us. We are prisoners of the conditioning and learned behaviour instilled in us by our parents. We all want to be liked or loved, admired & respected. We are co-dependent on others for validation of ourselves.

We may want to break free from this. There may be things we want to do, but haven't quite got the nerve to cut ourselves off from the weight of others opinions or demands. It is almost impossible for most of us to be completely selfish & do just what we want. Equally it is almost impossible to be completely honest about what we want to do or not do. We don't want to hurt the feelings of others.

There is nothing inherently wrong with this. But as you age you realise that you are on borrowed time. In reality everyone is on borrowed time because death or infirmity can come at any age. But it isn't till you are older that you realise this.

So, having spent your life putting someone else first, parents, partners, children, family, friends, the job......there has to come a time when you try to put yourself first. This means breaking the habits of a lifetime and it is not easy. If everyone was truly selfish society simply wouldn't function and we wouldn't be very nice human beings. Most things, particularly at the level of the family, rely on "goodwill", on people putting themselves out & putting others first. Usually, in my experience, it's women who do this.

Well, I've done it for 66, nearly 67 years. I think it's about time I was free. Free to say no. Free to do exactly what I want. Free to be impetuous & spontaneous. Trouble is, I think I'm probably too well programmed.

   

Prison & Prisoners

I go into a prison regularly as a volunteer monitor. So I see what prison really means & meet & talk to offenders & staff often. Because of that I find myself wondering what we actually achieve by putting people in prison, as opposed to what we think we achieve.

People who break the law make a choice & know what they are doing. So the logic is they should be punished. I'm not denying that the public need to be protected from a proportion of dangerous & recidivist offenders. I'm also not denying the often serious & long lasting impact crime has on the victims.

But, so many offenders have addictive personalities & therefore have drug and alcohol problems which aren't best treated in a prison. Also a big proportion have psychological problems and need specialist help which is difficult to provide in a prison environment. Added to all of that there are the problems of a lack of literacy & numeracy skills due to a poor level of education or low intelligence. Then there is the general seriously disfunctional family background many offenders were brought up in.

I'm not a "bleeding heart liberal". But I am concerned that we seem to be a very punitive country, with statistics for incarcerating offenders which are disappointingly high compared to other European countries. I wonder why that is? Could it be that politicians make policy on the basis of newspaper headlines & focus groups. They know all of the above. They also know the true cost of our prison population in financial & human terms. They know that there are other ways of ensuring justice. Community Sentencing & Restorative Justice are both successful, but not particularly publicly popular.

I was also a magistrate for 12 years, so have been on both sides of the fence. That & my current "job" convince me that there is an awful lot of Law, but not a lot of Justice. I am sincerely impressed with the way the majority of staff work with offenders in the prison. They do the best they can & manage to maintain a sense of humour. I don't usually know what crime an offender is "in" for, so take them at face value & try to help deal with their problems. They are mostly surprisingly polite & reasonably easy to talk to.

Our society reflects us as individuals. We either actively support, tolerate, or demonstrate against any policy. Do we really want to be a "lock them up and throw away the key" society? Are we capable of being less judgemental and right wing & are we prepared to look a bit deeper & try to make the punishment really fit not only the crime but the criminal?

When you are eating your Christmas dinner surounded by friends and family, think about those thousands, not just offenders but also immigrants, who we have deprived of their family & friends as well as their freedom. Try, just try, to imagine what that might be like.         

The Eurozone

I can't remember a time quite like this in my lifetime. There have been times of great political upheaval - the miners strike for instance. There have been times of great austerity - the three day week, when the lights did actually go out. There have been times when I have genuinely thought that we were on the brink of a major conflict - the Bay of Pigs.

But never a time when I felt that the political leaders simply didn't know what they were doing - didn't really have a clue what the solutions to the problems were. Probably didn't really understand the problems.

Yet they still feel the need to trade insults with the opposition, whether another party or a different sovereign state. They still think that we are persuaded by braggadacio & posturing. They so underestimate the intelligence of the public. We know that things are seriously wrong. We know that there aren't any simple solutions. We don't expect them to have all the answers, but we do expect them to "know someone who does".

I have completely lost faith in governments & the coalition. There are undoubtedly genuine politicians who are there to try to do a good job & make long term decisions for the benefit of the people of the country. But I'm hard pushed to name many. Meanwhile time is running out & everyone in the world is being affected by this crisis. The longer it goes on & the deeper it gets the worse the impact will be. If I were in as much comparable debt as countries are I would be jumping off the nearest high building!

The way the system is designed both in the UK & in Europe is no longer a true democracy. The systems themselves are so complex & interconnected that I think we may have reached a stage where we are almost ungovernable by consensus.

Someone needs to get a grip & soon.  I'm not a financial whizz, but even I know -Printing more money won't work - Being isolationist won't work - Spending more or borrowing more won't work - Relying on anything other than producing goods that people all over the world want to buy won't work.

It's basic household management. In order to spend you have to earn. Bring in the women who manage household budgets - maybe they can do it.

Christmas Spirit

I don't really have any. I find the whole performance shallow & superficial, time & money wasting.

I do not want to spend my time shopping for gifts for people, young or old, when they already seem to me to have everything their hearts could desire and more. I suppose the good thing is that charity shops probably do well out of unwanted gifts after the event. Or the gift will go into the "present drawer" for some other unsuspecting recipient on another occasion. You just need to remember who gave it to you so you don't give it them back!

I don't want to receive any more "stuff" either. If I want something I want to be able to chose it for myself, not have someone buy something in the mistaken belief I will like it or it will suit me. My life is paved with Christmases & birthdays I've looked forward to with eager anticitaption, only to have to pretend to be overjoyed with the gift so I don't spoil it for the giver.

I don't want to spend my time, which is diminishing on this earth, writing cards to people I communicate with on a regular basis in one form or another. I much prefer to say my good wishes face to face. I now send e greetings & give the money saved for cards & stamps to a new charity direct debit every year. The rolling programme continues year after year so the charities continue to benefit. I'm also pleased that I'm not contributing to deforestation. Interestingly, when I announced that I would no longer be sending cards, my reasoning wasn't universally understood or accepted. It was nearly the end of one friendship.

Similarly I don't enjoy the time wasting process of wrapping gifts & am frankly no good at it at all. However I do enjoy seeing the excitement of children opening parcels, so they are the only ones I continue to buy for. I tend to buy smaller, less expensive presents or contribute to a big present with their parents in the belief that the children I know already have vast quantities of things to amuse them.

Then there is the shopping. I simply don't understand why anyone would want to spend time searching fruitlessly for the perfect gift in over hot & crowded stores, being entertained by the worst mindless & loud music. I don't go "shopping" very often anyway & when I do I rapidly come to the conclusion that there is nothing that I want that is worth the very real pain.

There is also the food. Recipe searching, menu planning, food shopping & searching for obscure ingredients. The cooking starts at least a month in advance if you want quality home made as opposed to overpriced, less delicious,shop bought. The stress of mass catering on the 3 days of Christmas can & does lead to real family dischord. Not to mention the dreadful bloated, over stuffed, feeling after too much food. The only thing you can say about drink is that it probably gets you through everything else if you have enough of it. 

Go into any garden centre & you will  be overwhelmed with Christmas decorations. Some people must buy new every year! It is an art form from the decidedly kitch to the really "less is more" tasteful. I simply can't be bothered. There is enough everywhere I go - I don't need it at home as well.

I won't dwell on family & friends, but there are a lot of ill and lonely people out there for whom Christmas is just another day to get through. They are not supported by anyone & certainly couldn't be said to enjoy their lives. Many families too try to keep up the charade of getting on when in fact there is a divide between them.

The whole thing is a mirage. A confidence trick of expectation over reality. It is supposed to be the season of joy. For who? For the fortunate who have the cash & the home & the loving friends and family. Our values are totally skewed. We are blinded by rampant consumerism to believe that this is what it is all about.

We should wake up & get back to something more meaningful. I'm not religious, so don't believe in the Virgin birth or that Jesus was the Son of God. But I do believe that we are living in a decadent society which has lost it's way & is in the throes of destroying itself. We need to wake up to reality.

Money (Mis)Management

I am a "bear of very little brain" when it comes to finances. My current account always takes me ages to reconcile with my statement. (The bank is always right!) However I do "get" some simple rules which seem to be beyond the financial movers and shakers of the world. I only buy things that I can afford to buy, (and need). I pay off my credit card every month so I am never in debt. I don't waste money or resources. I think about the impact my spending has on the world & try to make informed choices.

So why am I paying the price for the obviously ridiculously profligate decisions made by bankers & city slickers?

• Why does anyone still think that perpetual growth is sustainable, or the way to get us out of the mess they got us into? Simply put, if we don't make anything to sell to someone else, or have marketable skills, we can't grow. Everything else is all smoke & mirrors.
• Why do they think that we can spend them out of trouble, when we have a huge amount of personal debt to pay off? Relying on rampant consumerism was never going to be anything other that short-termist.
• Why has no one been held accountable for the patently negligent decisions made by the banks & financial institutions. I can't think of any other comparable situation, fraud doesn't seem to hash a term to me, where someone wouldn't have ended up in court.
• Why do we continue to pay huge salaries & bonuses to people who obviously simply don't understand the financial con tricks they devised.
• Why do we tolerate a situation where banks are announcing billions of profit, but not even keeping pace with inflation in the interest they pay savers like me? 

I despair.

My parents were "working class". I don't feel I ever went short, but there wasn't much spare cash & we had to have lodgers throughout my teens to pay for me going to Grammar school, staying on in the 6th form & then going to college. Books came from libraries. Most of my clothes were made by my mother. My father had an allotment to make the housekeeping go further. We travelled by bus. Holidays were cheap B&Bs or camping. All meals were cooked from scratch. I worked at the weekends in shops as soon as I was able & worked all through college holidays to pay my way. 

I married as soon as I left college & had a child after a year & a half teaching. I can remember having to have egg & chips on consecutive nights when the housekeeping ran out. Child Allowance kept us going. We moved from council housing when we had saved up enough deposit for a mortgage when my daughter was a toddler. Gradually we both got promotions & moved to better houses. I went back to teaching as soon as my daughter could go to nursery to help financially.

None of this is a sob story. I actually think I am very fortunate in having parents who were willing to make sacrifices for me to get an education. That education made me middle class, with a lifelong profession, & relatively "comfortable" in my middle age. All my life I have worked hard for what I have and it hasn't always been easy.

What seems to me to be missing now is the whole ethic which I grew up with. Everthing is greed, self, rights without responsibilities, short termist, power oriented. "I want it & I want it now, whether I have earned it or can afford it & never mind the impact it has on people less fortunate than me".

It will come back to haunt us if we don't stop & think & change our ways. This is just the beginning. Worse is yet to come. Much worse.

Zen like state

I went to a meditation day on Sunday. It was really good & the timing was right for me. You can read lots about meditation, but there is nothing like having a good teacher & plenty of time.

I did it quite a while ago as part of some research into mindfulness & CFS / ME but never quite "got" it. Now I do & it is wonderful. I understand it on an intellectual level & can actually do several different practices. I just need to give the time to make it a daily part of my life if possible.

Meditation helps me to go deep into my conciousness to find the calm that is there and get away from the turmoil which is the surface of my life. It helps focus on how lucky I really am and the fact that I have many positive qualities. It also helps understand that I don't need to rely on other people for validation. It is important because it helps to focus positive thoughts about other people in my life who may present me with difficulties.

That all sound fairly simple, but trust me it isn't. Like everyone else I have been conditioned into patterns of behaviour & thought from childhood. The grooves of thinking are deeply embedded in my mind after all these years, like deep ruts in an unmade road. It takes effort to re-programme and it won't be easy. My thoughts and emotions create physical & mental imbalance. Whatever is happening in my life now, good or bad, will pass. What is important is not to respond or react inappropriately.

I will try.  Change and transience are normal. "If we want to end the war in the world, we need to end the war in our own hearts" - Thich Nhat Hanh.

Reconcilliation

I've just met a friend who I hadn't seen for nearly 20 years. We parted in extremely difficult circumstances in which I think there was misunderstanding on both sides. We had known eachother for many years & our families had been quite close.

We have both had  some really difficult times in our lives. So maybe we are older & wiser now. Maybe too there comes a time when you need to try to resolve old conflicts & possibly renew old friendships. When you are on your own you realise how important they are.

I am so pleased that we have been able to talk about the extraordinary situation which we were in & cleared up some of the misunderstandings. I hope we will move forward together & put the past behind us & be able to enjoy eachother's company again. But if we don't I will still be pleased that we made the effort.

Life is too short to bear grudges and all to often they are based on knee jerk reactions & misinterpreting the real situation. We are all capable of saying things tactlessly in the heat of the moment, or taking umbridge at relatively minor actions or comments. It is important to talk & move on with a greater understanding. I hope we have done that.  

The Distance Between Us

We know exctly where we are on the surface of the earth & where everything & everybody else is because of Sat nav. We know how long it will take us to get somewhere. Distance is a simple calculation. We take for granted travelling huge distances to see different places and cultures. We can bridge that gap.

The gap we can't bridge so easily is the distance between ourself & someone else. It varies according to the closeness of the relationship, the willingness to reveal oneself & the intelligence to be interested in similar things. I find myself listening to conversations & wondering what the point of them is. Sometimes what people talk about is so mundane & uninteresting, I feel distanced from the participants. I can facilitate a conversation by asking questions & listening without really trying. But I have no real interest in what is being said. That sounds so harsh, & I'm aware it ignores kindness.

The problem is that most relationships are based on the trivia of life & if you don't participate you can become isolated. I know this wouldn't be good. I know humans are social beings. I could talk to David about anything. We were both interested in the big ethical & philosophical issues & questions of the world. We were both fascinated by other cultures, landscapes, history & archaeology. He wasn't as interested as I am in art, music & drama, but other friends I have are.

I think friendships could be measured in distance, not how far away we live from eachother, but what we talk about. Now I have so much time on my own I realise how important & rare good conversation is. Although I do enjoy the peace & quiet I also realise how much I miss talking to someone every day. Emailing, texting & phoning are all good for keeping in touch, but simply cannot replace being with someone & sharing the moment.

I must try not to become isolated by the physical distance between me and my family & friends. Even more important perhaps, the distance created by the fact that they all have families & busy lives which don't include me. That way can lead to negative emotions and unhappiness. I need to try to make the effort to bridge the gap. It is hard, because I don't want to make demands or play the sympathy card, so maybe I don't contact them as often as I should & leave it to them to contact me when they have time. It's a dilemma. 

Protection Racket?

What is the nature of protection? How do I know who or what needs protecting? Who / what am I personally responsible for protecting? I think we as individuals are defined by who / what we are prepared to put ourselves out to protect.

At the simplest level I protect those who are nearest & dearest to me - my small family. I try to protect them from feeling responsible for me now that I am on my own. I would do a lot to protect them from harm & shield them from unhappiness if I could.

At an intermediate level I aim not to harm people I come into contact with by my words or actions. I try to treat other people as I would wish to be treated. I try to be truthful in my dealings with people, but recognise that absolute truth isn't always helpful or caring.

At the macro level I am responsible for any detremental habits and actions that endanger or spoil the environment & the world I live in. In order to really fulfill that responsibility I need to be fully aware and educated about the impact my life has on fragile ecosystems and do something positive to avoid contaminating and damaging the environment & actively protect it

If I care about freedom I need to protect the political systems which have the rights of individuals, fairness & some form of democracy at their heart. That means more than just exercising my hard fought for right to vote. Which brings me to the current protests around the world about the capitalist system. I admire people who are so passionate about an issue they will endure hardship & negativity in order to put that issue at the forefront of peoples minds. I don't protest - I'm not sure why, but I am really glad that there are people who do.

It is so easy to talk over the coffee cups or dinner plate about the complex issues that our world faces. I think we are actually at a tipping point where our world & it's systems have become so complex that very few understand them. Do we actually even have a real democracy? How powerful are the politicians, the lobbyists, the multinational corporations & the dictators of the world?

How powerful is the voice of the people? Hopefully more powerful than we might think.


  

Kindness

"Do not act meanly, do not be unkind, because the time for setting things right may pass before your heart changes course". Alexander McCall Smith.

It sounds so easy, just to be kind. But it really isn't simple at all. I wish I was better at it. How to be kind to people who aren't kind to you? What about if being kind puts you out in some way? Or what if you think you are being kind, but the recipient doesn't want your kindness?

The best way I can look at it is from the point of view of being a recipient of kindness, which I have, many times, over the last few years. I am deeply grateful to the people who have helped me in ways big and small. People who have anticipated my need and therefore had me in the forefront of their minds, people who have put themselves out to help me & comfort me. It isn't always necessary to sympathise with another, sympathy can be quite hard to deal with. But it is necessary to really try to empathise, to be able to put yourself in anothers position & try to understand how they might feel. People who can do that are a blessing.

There are people who are unkind, some deliberately. Mean spiritedness is not uncommon, but those people are reflecting something about themselves. Perhaps we should try to understand why someone is behaving unkindly, although we may not know them well enough to know what in their past has made them the person they are. Simplistically I tend to think that genuinely nice people are by an large happier. Bad actions have the reverse effect I think.

We all have a tendency to judge others, often as a knee jerk response. Perhaps if we could only genuinely try to be kind to others, those we actually come into contact with & those that we hear about, we might be a less disfunctional & insular society. All it takes is for each of us to really try and be aware when we are not being kind. There is a lot to put right in our society today, but it is possible through generosity & kind action.

Patient Patients

I have just been into hospital to have my Gall Bladder removed. I took a cancellation, so it was all a bit rushed. However allowing for that, I'm not very impressed with the service that was delivered from the patients point of view. Before I tell you why, I must say that I do think that the medical staff do want to do a good job for their patients. I just think that they are unable to put themselves in the position of being receivers of "care". They are prisoners of their own routines.

The problems started once I was in the ward after the op. I was in a bed, separated from the rest of the patients by drawn curtains. Not a problem unless you need to communicate, and certainly good for privacy & rest. However no one gave me the call button & I didn't know where it was & couldn't have reached it even if I had known. So when I was in quite a lot of pain, not from the surgery, but from my underlying conditions, I had to wait for a nurse to come in to the side ward & shout for pain relief. By then it was quite bad. I was also very thirsty & didn't know that there was a plastic cup of water on the cupboard next to the bed because I couldn't see the cupboard due to the raised head of the bed. I wasn't given a jug of water until the next day when I was more mobile.

I didn't seem to be able to switch the light on using the call button & I was in a corner of the ward which was quite dark.

I wasn't offered a cup of tea, biscuit or piece of toast on the day of the surgery, which was at 1pm. So I didn't have anything other than the water till breakfast the next morning. A full 24 hours.

No one told me how the surgery had gone. I don't know how many stones or how big. I don't know whether there were any complications due to my heart condition. I presume not as I am here. I never saw a doctor after the surgery, not even to discharge me. No one asked me how I was feeling or whether I wanted anything. They did come very regularly to do routine obs though.

No one told me whether I could get out of bed to go to the toilet, or where it was. Fortunately I didn't need to go till the following morning & then I asked. So I also didn't have access to my bag which was next to the bed on the floor. That meant I couldn't get my mobile & let my daughter know I was OK. As it happens I was completely wiped out by the anasthetic & didn't really surface properly till sometime in the night. I presume it was the night, because I also couldn't get to my watch.

When my daughter tried to ring the hospital on the evening of the op because she hadn't heard from me & was worried, she had a dreadful experience. She was told I wasn't in the hospital. Then she was told I was in the heart rescusitation unit, which really worried her as I do have a pacemaker. Eventually her husband rang & did find out where I was & that I was OK.

My daughter collected me the day after surgery. The sineage for the unit I was in was so bad that she couldn't find it. By the time she did find me she was very upset  because of the lack of help she had received & the general stress. The last time she had been in a hospital was when her father died 2 years ago.

No discharge protocols seemed to be in place. A nurse gave me two lots of pain killers. I later discovered that they were both similar to drugs I am already taking. So I ended up taking a double dose of a NASAID before I realised. No one replaced my dressings or checked the wounds. Apparently I remove my own dressings after 5 days & go to my GP if there are any problems. I wasn't given any printed information until I asked about driving & swimming. The first nurse said she would find out & never returned. The second one gave me a leaflet about anasthetics but nothing about the do's & don'ts of gall bladder surgery.

Fortunately I have a friend who works for Royal Berks Hospital so have copies of all their patient leaflets which are very informative & patient friendly. I'm also capable of finding information on the internet.

If the NHS is to provide a good service for patients I think they should ask the patients themselves in each hospital department. Either they could fill in a questionnaire or they could write a summary of any areas they think could be improved. Why isn't there a service quality assessment from the people who matter? This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I had broadly similar experiences in 2010 when I went into the same hospital with a suspected heart attack.

Asking for help

Not something that comes naturally to me. I don't really know why, because if I know someone else need help I do always offer & am prepared to put myself out. I find it almost impossible to really talk about myself unless I am asked directly. Or unless my experience will help solve someone else's problems. But my counsellor pointed out that if you don't ask for help people assume you don't need it. They accept the coping front you project.

This raises the question of how empathetic people are, do they have the imagination to put themselves in your position? Are they really interested in your life, do they ask you probing questions & do they really want to know the answers?

If not, why not? Is it because their lives are so difficult & busy they can only cope with that. Is it because they are self centred & not really interested in anyone else? I don't know the answer. In my experience some people just don't want to delve that deeply & are happy with a fairly superficial relationship. Or a relationship where they can dump all their problems on you.

Recently the husband of a friend just tucked my arm into his and asked how I was getting on, acknowledging that he realised how hard things must be for me. He really wanted to know & was very sympathetic. A woman friend & I spent two days together talking non stop about our lives & families. It was a real two way conversation with both of us sympathising with eachother about some very difficult family issues. Another friend phones me regularly for a chat. All are really lovely & I appreciate them more than I can say. I know if I asked for help I would get it, I just need to practice doing it.

Well, I have just asked my daughter to take me into hospital next week for an Endoscopy & bring me home. I genuinely think that's the first time I have actually asked her to do something that puts her out. Then, because she can't take me in, I asked a neighbour to do it, which he agreed to without hesitation. So I am trying not to isolate myself by appearing too independent.  I am going to be stressed before the procedure because I've had it done before & know how unpleasant it is. Afterwards I'm going to be fairly dopey I think because I'm insisting on having a sedative this time. So I do need help.

At these sorts of times I realise just how alone I am & how much I relied on Dave's support.

Looking Back

I don't tend to do this. I've hardly ever gone back to places I knew or looked up people from my past. For me the past is gone - over and done with. Until now. I am finding it hard to move on from the years spent with David & I recognise that I could be in danger of idealising them & him. I don't think I do, I knew his faults only too well, but still loved him.

Counselling is helping me to see the past as the view from the top of the mountain. You can see where you have been, & where you are aiming for. (Although the latter isn't too clear to me at the moment). Our past experience shapes us, so in that sense it is indelible. We should be able to learn from it, and become stronger, better human beings as a result of that learning. We learn about ourselves and what we can cope with & are capable of. Each little triumph over adversity, each new situation handled well gives confidence that we can deal with life's ups & downs.

But also it is important to learn from our mistakes & not beat ourselves up for making them. I know I am supposed to "be kind to myself". I actually dislike that phrase intensely, but the underlying meaning is right. I just don't seem to be very good at it. I do have very high standards for myself & others, expectations that very few can live up to. I'm much better at accepting other people for what they are now, but am not so generous to myself.

I have asked myself what I have done to deserve the last 3 horrible years. I do believe in Karma & have wondered why these things have happened to me. I'm just beginning to accept that they simply have & I have come through it all. So maybe I'm not so much "over the hill" more have reached the peak & will be able to enjoy the journey down the mountain to the pastures below.

Age Gap

“..those who are 20 don't know what it's like to be 40, whereas those who are 40 know what it's like to be 20. It's a bit like discussing a foreign country with somebody who has never been there” - Alexander McCall Smith.

It seems to me that this is an eternal problem at any age. But it is compounded by the fact that those younger than us seemingly don't value our experience, and think we are completely out of touch with their lives & what they are feeling. Whereas, in truth, we have been there, seen it, done it & got the T Shirt! The detail may change, but the underlying emotions & drivers remain.

They, on the other hand, have no experience of what it is like to be older, so are largely unable to empathise. They simply don't know the questions to ask, let alone have the interest to find out more. 'Twas ever thus.... youth is deeply preoccupied with it's own life & doesn't have the time or inclination to delve deeply into the lives of their parents or older people generally.

This divide is seemingly immutable, apart from a few very special people who do take the time to have really two way conversations with older people. They are genuinely interested enough to probe & listen & try to get to know the older person. It then becomes a proper relationship between two people which crosses the age divide.

Of course it does depend enormously on the older person too. Are they interesting & interested? Do they listen or want to give advice & their opinion on everything? Are they lively and fun or boring & insular?

I think both parties have to work quite hard at being aware of how they behave towards others & what their attitudes are to people of a different generation. It is very easy to slip into self satisfied prejudices. I don't know whether I can do it, but I am trying. 

Pro Active Healthcare

I saw a consultant this week & have to have laparoscopic Gall Bladder surgery & an Endoscopy. Not too worried about the former, but I've had an Endoscopy & know what a horrible procedure it is. So will be quite stressed.

The reason that this is of any interest is because of the diagnosis process. It all stems from chest pain I've been having for about 18 months. The first time I contacted the surgery out of hours they called out an ambulance because of suspected heart attack. It wasn't. So I was able to stop a needless ambulance call when it happened again. The on call doctor was very helpful, but was surprised that no one had pursued gall stones as a possible cause. He told me to go to the surgery & ask for an ultrasound scan.

Well, we all tend to believe that doctors know what they are doing. So when the GP told me that it wasn't gall stones it was reflux I believed him and accepted his advice that I didn't need a scan. Fortunately I go to a good accupuncturist, who agreed with the gall stones diagnosis. So I contacted the senior partner who arranged the scan, which confirmed the gall stones, hence the visit to the consultant.

My first query is why the GP didn't err on the side of caution & accept the recommendation of the out of hours doctor. Cynically I wonder if it is a question of cost. How lucky that I was confident enough to pursue the matter.

My accupuncturist suggested I go the route, which he had done successfully, of dispersing the stones naturally through diet. First you soften the stones, then you drink a mixture which makes you excrete them. The consultant knew about this when I asked, but advised against it because there is "no scientific evidence that it works". His advice was that because the Gall Bladder is diseased there is no alternative to surgery.

So my second question is how on earth a patient is supposed to make a decision when there are two diametrically opposing views as to treatment? Also why research isn't done into natural methods of dealing with ailments? Because of the medical profession's obsession with evidence based treatments, more natural & anecdotally successful methods are not being tried & researched. Many of these treatments have been around for years & do seem to have been successful. They are certainly far less invasive than surgery with all it's attendant risks.

I do wonder if surgeons are pre-disposed to surgery to the exclusion of alternatives. I'm a "high risk" patient because of my heart problems. I have no way of knowing whether the natural method or the surgery is more of a risk for me. Frankly it's a lottery. I will do what the surgeon says, partly because I'm concerned about going the other route living alone as I do. There could be complications even from the "natural" method, & I don't much fancy being on my own if they arise.

I'm left with the thought that it's my body & I want to be in a position to make the best decision for me & be helped to do that. Not sure that happens in today's NHS. I also think that patients have a responsibility to look after themselves and manage their own conditions, a view which the NHS is endorsing more and more. But if the NHS want us to do that, they have to provide the information & facilities to enable it to happen. We each know our body better than any doctor. I don't want paternalistic, god like, doctors - usually men. I want open minded people who listen to the information I give & respect it.

Chinks of light

Second counselling session yesterday. It is interesting how much freer you are to talk openly to an impartial person who really listens & isn't judgmental. So often people just want to tell you their problems & news. I had a very long conversation with a friend the other day & in truth my contributions were monosyllabic, but I know every detail of what has been happening in her life. I find it very difficult to tell someone about what is going on with me, unless they give me an opening by asking questions.

One of the things which resonated with me in the counselling was the counsellor saying that unless there are cracks no light can shine through. In other words, I need to let people see that I am not this super organised, coping person that they seem to think I am. I do have good days & bad days & truly dreadful days too. I just don't tend to talk about it. I certainly don't think I have ever rung someone up or knocked on their door when things have been really bad. Having said that there have been people who have been in the right place at the right time, who have really helped enormously. I suppose it is independence, but it is also a belief that I am the only person who can solve my problems.

However as I age & become more limited in what I can do because of my health problems I suppose I am going to have to learn to be more honest and open. And I am going to have to ask for help.

In the meantime I do think the counselling is helping, because it is making me see that good communication is really important & that involves not just listening, which I seem to do a lot of, but also telling it how it really is. No wo/man is an island - & if they are it's a very lonely place.    

Counselling

Well, encouraged by various friends I had my first session today. It was very interesting, useful and emotional.

It is my experience that people have expectations about how one should deal with grief & trauma. My friends seem to vary between thinking that I have coped amazingly well with all the traumatic events since the beginning of 2009, and feeling that I "haven't dealt properly" with David's death. My counsellor helped me to see that my way is my way and is valid because of that. But she also helped me to see that maybe I have to let people see that I am not this superhuman, competent, woman who can deal with anything life throws at me. I do find it hard - extremely hard at times, and my family & friends need to know that if they are to help me when I need it. Not sure how to do that, but can see that my "front" can stop people from approaching the subject.

She also made me see that it is reasonable to feel angry with David for going up the ladder & effectively ending his life, thus depriving me of 20+ more happy years. Also for leaving the financial stuff in such a mess that it still isn't sorted despite the fact that I have a paid financial advisor now. Dave wasn't perfect by any means. She suggested that I talk to him more often.

A big issue for me was why I seem to have had a big crisis every year. It's remarkably simple. Both times so far have been when I have been doing something lovely, which I know he would have enjoyed, but I have been alone. That is really an important insight.

So I'm going to carry on & am really pleased to have met my counsellor, who I liked enormously & had a lot in common with. It's taken me well over 2 years to get round to it, but the time was right. It's Karma.

Religion.

Going on a Pilgrimage makes you think. Seeing the Catholic churches of Northern Spain confirmed what I have thought about some of the established religions for a long time. I really don't have much time for them on any level.

Firstly, God, if s/he exists, surely doesn't want or need all of the opulence of churches drenched in silver, gold, jewels, exquisite artwork & beautiful adornments for the priesthood. Especially when you know that much of the wealth was stolen from South American indigenous peoples whose lives & culture was destroyed, or tithed from poor ignorant people who knew no better. I can admire the skill of craftsmen who created the artifacts and enjoy their intrinsic beauty. But I abhor the creation of a class of men raised above ordinary people and dressed in finery.

I don't feel the need to have an intermediary between me and God. I really don't see why God wouldn't be able to hear me when I talk to him/her. Similarly I cannot understand why I should need Mary, an apostle or a saint to intercede for me or help God hear what I'm saying. Surely God is omnipotent? It can't be that difficult.

However I do admire people of faith who give up their lives to help others. It's the trappings of power I object to. And that's the problem, it seems to me that much of the Established church was all about wealth, power & fear. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you who had the wealth & power & who was in fear.

I don't have a problem with the beautiful, soaring architecture in which people can come together to worship. I personally don't feel the need to join with others to communicate with God. But I can understand the need of others to do that in a special building that represents something outside the normal run of human life. Man's achievement in creating cathedrals & churches is truly amazing.

I think that if we viewed churches & Cathedrals as museums containing treasures created by man, at a time when the Church held sway and was central to the lives of most people, then it would be a healthier relationship. Todays church needs to find a more relevant way of communicating with people & helping them develop a moral compass & spiritual relationship with the world they live in. So far I don't see too many signs that the church even understands the problem.

Pilgrimage 2

I've just got back from doing the pilgrimage from Bilbao to Santiago de Compostella in Northern Spain. Before I give the wrong impression, I should clarify that it was done by coach interspersed with walks, & not on foot all the way. I have nothing but admiration for those who do walk or cycle it, but I couldn't do it, so I took the easy way.

It is fascinating because you travel through some of Spain's most diverse & beautiful landscapes. The architecture is "amazing", as our lovely guide Emma said. Although I do have to say that I feel that we "overdosed" on the "more is more" style of Spanish Baroque. Give me the simplicity of Romanesque any time.

The local food is really good, made from fresh ingredients, and varies from area to area with lots of seafood. The wine's not bad either & there was quite a lot of it! The speciality Quiemada drink is a killer.

The people are very helpful & friendly. I found myself people watching a lot, both the locals & the people on the trip with me. My fellow pilgrims were a diverse lot, from those who knew nothing about where they were going to those who, like me, had wanted to do it for years & knew a great deal about the places & history. Chaucer had it about right I think, the sheer diversity of people's motives & character is endlessly interesting and entertaining. Our group got on remarkably well & had a great time. There are always going to be some who will not have their expectations met, but tolerance is all, and if you can't be generous of spirit on a Pilgrimage, when can you?

It is the sort of experience which does promote philosophical thought. About yourself & others & also about life. I thought a lot about David & Pip & left a memorial stone at Cruz de Hierro the Camino's highest point. David would have loved to do this walk, so I did find it all a bit hard.

The journey is internal as well as external & physical. If you are open and aware and "in the moment" I think there are lessons to take away with you. Life is a journey. It isn't the destination that is important. It is how you get there.

I don't believe in most of the tenets of Western established religions. I think they are man, (and I do mean man), made creations. But I do admire people who believe, & what is more important, try to live by the teachings of those beliefs. I do think there is good and evil within us all and I wish I could be as charitable & good as some of the people I have met on the two pilgrimages I have been on. So long as the majority of people aspire to be as good as they can be there is hope for the human race. I do wonder whether we are at a tipping point though & in danger of being overwhelmed by greed, selfishness & lust for posessions & power, and all the other base human traits. 

Pilgrimage

Off to northern Spain today to do the French route of the Pilgrims Way to Santiago de Compostela. Travelling with Mc Cabes pilgrimages who I did the trip to the Holy Land with last year. The leaders will be Geoff & Chris Crago again, but a completely different group. If it's as interesting as the Holy land I shall enjoy it. Coach from Cirencester & leaving from Heathrow & landing in Bilbao. Nice weather in Spain. 

Getting a Life

As I've travelled this journey of my life after Dave's death I have learned things. About myself & about other people. One thing I do believe is that I have to be outgoing & open to opportunity. I have to say "yes" rather than the instinctive, knee jerk, "no". I have to accept that life is changeable from moment to moment & impermanence is the norm.

So in this spirit I have now sent off the application to volunteer with childrens charitites for a month in either Kathmandu or Port Elizabeth, (South Africa). It means a month away from my comfort zone - home, friends, my micro family. It means a challenge that I don't know whether I'm up to. It means a different culture, unknown people, a completely different way of life with people who are in no way as fortunate as I am. That is if I am accepted of course!

I have also been to two taster sessions with local choirs. The glitzy "Rock Choir" & the simpler "Stroud Song". The latter is my choice, & when I get back from my forthcoming pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela I will go weekly. Friends have told me that I need to do more "fun" things - I don't "do" fun. I'm a Calvanist, work ethic sort of a person. But it is a great pleasure to sing, especially with other people, in harmony.

So, hopefully, the two warring sides of my character - the serious, task oriented one & the free spirit which has been subdued will be more balanced in future. Who knows, the free spirit might get the upper hand. That would be a bonus.

The Evil that Men do.

Ratko Mladich & Muamar Ghadaffi. One caught & brought to "justice", the other not yet. How do you measure justice against crimes so heinous? More to the point, how do you punish?

Both men seem to be guilty of repeated, despicable, acts of great cruelty against hundreds / thousands of their fellow men, women, & children. It seems right that they should be held to account in a court of law & dealt with in a fair and legal way. In so doing we pat ourselves on the back and believe that we have been honourable & moral. We are not like them, we would never behave as they have done.

My first point is, why is it, that by an large, it is men who behave in this unbelieveably cruel way? What is it about the male psyche that allows them to suspend all of the normal inhibitors of gross cruelty & violence? I don't know. But it seems to me that we should be trying to understand the triggers & motivators of this type of behaviour, because there have been, are, and will be a lot more of  men of this type in the world. Unless we understand them, we will never be able to deal with them & protect the poor unfortunate people whom they subject & torture.

A lot of it seems to be to do with getting & retaining power & wealth. Once achieved it seems that a certain personality type will do anything to retain it - To the point where it is ridiculous. How much money, for example, can one human being or even his family spend in a lifetime? They are not satisfied with millions, they steal billions from their people. People who are all too often living in abject poverty. Just like us, dictators cannot take money or possessions with them when they die. None of us actually own anything, we just have the use of it while we are alive.

My second point is what on earth should we do with men who are capable of this behaviour? Is there really any punishment which reflects the crimes they have committed other than capital punishment? If we bring such punishment back, where will it end & who will administer it? Do we really want to be like the Americans with all the huge flaws in their death penalty? So, do we just lock them away so they cannot harm anyone else & pay the huge costs involved in that?

Do we believe, as a society, that any criminal, however bad, should be given the opportunity to repent & be rehabilitated? Should these people be forced to come face to face with people whose lives they have destroyed in some form of restorative justice? Truth & Reconciliation as the South Africans did under Nelson Mandela. Are we capable as Nations of reaching any consensus on what should be done?

Finally, are we really sure, that given the right set of circumstances, each and every one of us might not behave in similar ways? I hope the answer is no in my case, but I can't be sure. If that is true, do I have the right to judge?  

Death & Afterlife

I think there is an invisible wall between people who have / have not experienced the death of someone they are very close to. This results in a disconnect at the very time when the berieved are most in need of love and support. Many people simply don't know what to do, how to behave, how to show they care. So initial awkwardness sometimes leads to the loss of a friendship.

Serious illness, tragedy & death are very negative & sometimes people don't want to be closely involved with this. In our culture I feel there is also an intimacy barrier. Having to face the raw emotions of a friend or neighbour in this situation is something many shy away from. Also sometimes berieved people who have revealed their deep emotions feel they have gone too far and shared too much. My feeling is that it's better to do something rather than nothing, better to show you care as soon as possible and for as long as it is needed. It isn't about you, it's about the berieved.

We accept life as our right and due. We should be able accept death in the same way. Grief should be liberating, the open door to a new life. After the funeral all too often everything stops. The communications and invitations from friends get less & further apart. This is understandable given the frantic pace of many people's lives. We all have to make our own life & get on with it. Stepping into a new world when you are alone is quite hard though.

So you really do value the real friends, the ones who do make the effort to include you & do offer help when it's needed. They are very special, a treasure beyond compare. I am very thankful for all of mine. I would have managed without them, but not very well.

Straws & Camels Backs

Living where I do there are lots of steep hills & narrow roads with roadside parking. I think if I am driving uphill I have priority & oncoming traffic is supposed to give way. That's what I do anyway & I acknowledge people who give way to me. I am constantly surprised that other drivers ignore this polite rule & don't bother to wave in thanks when I let them pass. I'm infuriated when I am labouring uphill & a driver, often of a 4x4 or big car, drives straight at me downhill.

Ditto, when there is not enough room for 2 cars side by side, drivers who keep coming, when if they just reversed a short distance, could allow me to pass. So I end up reversing for a much longer distance & have scraped my car on the cotswold stone walls several times.

I am sorely tempted to just replicate their bad behaviour & keep going. I have done this very occasionally when it is very blatant, but been subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse.

I'm also getting so fed up with floods of nuisance calls, that I'm breaking the habit of a lifetime & being very curt & rude. Mostly these calls are "international", so you know what's coming if you don't have lots of foreign calls. But now there are also "witheld" callers, so you don't know if they are bona fide. You can't use call barring for international calls - why not? You have to respond to witheld calls because they may be genuine. I'm tempted to have a piercing whistle next to the phone to use once I've established who the caller is.

There is something about having your personal space invaded, whether it's real or rhetorical which is very annoying. There are barriers which other people should not cross unless invited.

I had a phone call yesterday from a wine company & the script obviously called for the caller to use my christian name ridiculously regularly. I didn't solicit the call, I wasn't interested in buying the product & I didn't know him or want to. This made me very averse to the company, who I have bought wine from once before. So their marketing has had completely the opposite effect to what they wanted, which was to drum up sales.

There is a tiger within me & one day it will get out & I will completely lose it. So beware! 

Straight Lines

Have you noticed
How life is full of straight lines?
No deviation.


The juxtaposition of lines & right angles.
Rectangles.
Space enclosed in regimented lines.
Empty.
But are they?


Even a white space
Is a subtle mixture of shades of grey.
What about a blackboard?
Such freedom.
You can fill it with anything you like
And then destroy it.
I can say anything
However outrageous
And leave no trace.


Who invented boxes?
Without boxes
Where would you keep life's trivia?


The television is just a box
Full of people who aren't really there
Who populate my world.
I can create, destroy & re-create them at will.


Walls, floors & ceilings enclose me.
Rooms & their contents,
Represent my life.
Everything enclosed, fenced, rigid.
Why?


Are we safer within straight lines?
Contained, restricted.
No choices.
Why not round rooms?
I wish there were more curves.



Val Carlill - Written years ago & amended today.

Law & Disorder

The rioting & looting of the last few nights in our cities has been shocking. It shows how superficial the veneer of civilised behaviour is & how close to the surface anarchy lurks. But why are we surprised? History, here & the world over, is littered with examples of this phenomenon. Yet again I wonder why we don't learn from the lessons which are so clear for us to see.

We are all capable of good & bad behaviour given the right circumstances. Hopefully we are not all capable of the sort of violent, selfish and abhorrent acts we have seen on TV lately. But the gang mentality seems to be very strong, in males particularly. We are animals with strong drives. If those drives are not tempered by an upbringing which values a moral code & ideas of responsibility, respect & caring we end up with people who can behave in the ways we have just seen on TV & many have directly experienced to their cost.

If humans are not reared in a secure, loving environment which meets their basic needs then they become disfunctional & repeat the disfunctional patterns of behaviour they have learned from their parents - the very people who should love & nurture them. The first 5 years of a child's life are the most important time in their development. The behaviours they develop are copied from the "adults" who rear them. If those adults don't have the understanding or the skills to parent properly we need to tackle that problem. There is a great deal of talk about the "underclass". But in my experience there are seriously disfunctional families at all levels of society. If we only focus on the poor & disadvantaged we will fail.

We are so fixated on our rights as adults, we have forgotten about our responsibilities to those who are vulnerable in our families & the wider community. Life seems to be all about self gratification & selfishness. So both ends of the spectrum are now not being cared for properly - the very young & the very old. What about their rights? If we cease to be caring individuals we cannot have a caring society. If we pass on responsibility to an organisation or the state our society will fail. We are all responsible for this crisis in some way. We all have a duty & a responsibility to do something about it. It isn't going to be solved by a charity or a group of politicians. We, the people, have to change ourselves & the way we live together for the better.

I wonder if we can? This is a warning. The price we will all pay if it isn't heeded will be very high indeed. Quite literally we might be living through the endgame of life as we know it. The outcome is up to us.

Read "Collapse" by Jared Diamond if you don't believe me.

Good and Evil

What is the nature of goodness and evil? Do either actually exist in a pure form? Aren't we all capable of both, given particular circumstances? The dreadful events in Norway recently when at least 76 young people were killed in the shooting massacre by Anders Breivik do make one reflect on the subject.

Is he evil personified? He has certainly caused unbelievable pain and sorrow to innumerable people for no apparent reason. Is he mad or bad? I wonder if it actually matters. How can we really know the motivation or workings of the mind of someone who is capable of such horror? Should we spend time trying to understand an act of violence like this? It simply won't change anything that has happened. Doesn't it give him more attention than he deserves?

The Norwegian people seem to have coped with this with immense dignity. Perhaps that is something we should reflect on - the capacity of human beings for empathy, compassion & support for eachother. That is the truly good side of human nature.

It is important what society does with Breivik now. However close we are to the recent abhorrent events, it matters that he is dealt with humanely & within the rule of law. If an evil act results in further wrongs the perpetrator wins again. Fortunately for him, Breivik lives in a very sophisticated & advanced society. The way they are dealing with this tragedy shows clearly that evil does not ultimately triumph over good. Thank goodness, (excuse the pun), for that!  

Secrets & Lies

We all have secrets and we have all told lies. The important thing is what the secrets are, the harm done to others, how culpable we are & the real motives for the things we did or didn't do.

We have now had "financialgate", "expensesgate" & "mediagate". All knowingly committed by people with power & wealth for the basest possible motives. No matter how you "spin" the facts & try to find any justification for all three of these, they are an appalling revelation of the grotesque underbelly of our "civilised" society.

No wonder there is deep cynisism. No wonder there is very little trust in the people & organisations who run our complex 21st century society. But worse still, no wonder this translates into a self seeking & selfish attitude that seems to permeate all strata's of society.

Will the public revelations of all three of these change the way things are done? Maybe - a little. Hopefully there will be ever more vigilance & scrutiny. Will words of apology translate into sustained action to avoid repetition? I doubt it while there is money to be made & power to cling to. I see no signs of the financial institutions changing for the better. Quite the contrary.

The only hope is that I do believe that the vast majority of people basically have good intentions and are rightfully appalled at all of this. Maybe ultimately that will force change. It is very much needed.

Philippa Sherrington

Pip died yesterday about 5pm. It was not a quick or easy death. She had been diagnosed with Non Small Cell Lung Cancer last Christmas, with secondaries in the liver, spine & bones. She would have been 43 on the 25th of July.

She was a remarkable woman in many ways, unusually empathetic, kind & loving. Life had never been easy for her. The Cancer which killed her was caused by earlier chemotherapy when she had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma years ago. Obviously life's blows shape our personality, but there was more to Pip than that. She had never become cynical, bitter or distrusting. She supported me through my husband's coma in ITU, subsequent death & funeral. But also continued that support untill she became too ill in the last week & a half. Not many people are capable of that.

Pip was highly intelligent & worked in Education as a university lecturer & teacher.  Generations of students will be all the better for having been taught by Pip.We loved discussing politics & ethics & were of very much the same mind on issues. One of her favourite TV programmes was "The West Wing" which she introduced me to. Pip was a really ethical person in a world where that is becoming more and more unusual.

Pip was always very positive and fun loving. One of my best memories will be of the holiday we had sharing an apartment in Lanzerote last year. It was really great, cooking meals together every night & sharing several glasses of wine. Not a single cross word or problem, despite our age difference. How many people can you go on holiday with and say that?

I loved Pip and thought of her as a second daughter, especially as her mother died when she was in her teens. I knew her for over 30 years. I remember coming home early from holiday, when she and Maryon my daughter were teenagers staying in my house. They had obviously had a couple of boys staying & were highly embarrassed. Looking back neither of them were ever anything other than lovely girls, no huge rebellion, no drugs, no real cause for worry.

Maryon and I will miss Pip hugely. She will be a great loss to her sister Becky and her family. She loved them all a great deal. She was a great aunty, what a shame she won't be there to see the boys grow in to men. Maybe she will from afar - I'm not religious, so who knows.

Dying of Hunger

How often have I said that? How obscene. I've always had a huge choice of quality food and have never not had enough to eat.

The statistics of the current famine unfolding in Ethiopia, Kenya & Somalia are simply to large to comprehend. The last time this happened Band Aid worked wonders. How aptly named, because it was just a sticking plaster on a near mortal wound. And here we are again, but worse.

How can I - you - our country - the Western "civilised" world tolerate this litany of suffering and death? I, like many people, give to charity regularly as direct debits & sporadically as I see causes I identify with. It just scratches the surface of the need for equalisation of resources in our world today. Life isn't fair, but we are tolerating such gross unfairness simply by the way we live every day in the West. Only we can redress that balance. At the moment we are all complicit in the inequality.

Do we really need supermarket aisles, not shelves, stacked with every concievable sort of yoghurt to chose from? Do we really need the current plethora of choice of vegetables & fruits all year round? Producing our food cheaply means that someone somewhere in the Third world gets paid a pittance. We should be ashamed.

Everyone is equally important, wherever they happen to be born. Until there is a reasonable diet for everyone in our world we should individually & collectively say no to the unsustainable practices we turn a blind eye to every day. We know that individuals, changing their habits & working together can significantly influence politicians & effect change. We should all do it - NOW.

To My Daughter

How do I begin
To tell you all the things I want to say?


That life is short,
Joy is brief and to be savoured.
Love is elusive,
Rarely reciprocated in depth.


Avarice abounds.
Possessions possess.


The butterfly flits from flower to flower
For a brief summer.
How many note it's passing,
Wonder at it's beauty?
How many grasp at it's wings,
Crush & destroy the fragile beauty,
And brush the powder from their callous fingers?


To speak with the experience of passing years
With attitudes obscured by cynisism,
To one unfolding before my eyes
Like time lapse photography.
Dewy with expectation
That the world will unfold like a flower,
A bloom everlasting.
Not tainted.


How to impart the wisdom of age
In an age of no wisdom?
To a microcosm of self,
Though not a clone?
Subtle differences in looks and behaviour.


Have I given you enough along the way?
Enough to make wise judgements,
To value the valuable,
To leave aside the valueless.
Do you even mean the same as me,
When we speak the word
Values?


Hold fast to what you believe in.
But mostly, believe in yourself.
I don't want to see you a hedgehog
Flattened on life's road
By passing traffic.



Val Carlill - Written in the 1980's

Anniversary

Today is the day that life as I knew it stopped 2 years ago. It's the day David died, on what would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary. In the end he never recovered from the coma he had been in for 13 days, resulting from his fall from the roof. In the end he died naturally, if you can call being hooked to various machines in intensive care natural. I didn't have to give the word to switch life support off, the chest infection got him first. I felt he made the decision about when & how to die.

I wasn't with him. The transplant team had suggested I went off to get some fresh air after lunch because nothing could happen till 6pm when the operating theatres in Frenchay & Birmingham would be free from routine surgery for the organ harvest. I had been there since first thing in the morning to do all the organ donation paperwork. Mid afternoon I was just about as far away as it was possible to walk when they phoned to say I should come straight back. He had suddenly taken a turn for the worse. By the time I got to his bedside he had died.

It's very odd, because although he, as in his personality, hadn't been there since the fall, in death it was different. It was just a body he had left - finally. I had so wanted to be with him. I had so wanted there to be something good which came out of a stupid & careless accident & we had both registered as donors. But David was a very shy, unassuming & private person, in many ways a loner. Again I felt strongly that he had wanted to leave quietly, without fuss & without me having to turn off the machines.

People always thought that I was the dominant one. More outgoing than he was, yes. But he was the one who quietly made the decisions. He didn't believe in discussing things. He didn't believe in consensus. He knew what he wanted & by an large it happened. He knew right from wrong & he lived by that. He was kind and considerate. He was rarely emotional, he hardly ever lost his temper, but he also didn't broadcast his love. He was a really good friend, husband & father & I miss him - literally every single day.

Last year I emailed everyone to ask them to remember David & send me a memory of him for Maryon & the twins. This year I'm doing this blog. Next year I'm going to try not to put all the dates in my diary. So these are the dates:-


June 27th 2009 - In the morning David fell from a ladder up to the roof onto the
concrete in front of the kitchen at Savitri.
July 9th 2009 - Our 43rd wedding anniversary. David died after being in a coma.
July 18th 2009 - David's funeral.
July 19th 2009 - David's 67th Birthday.

Make Life Better

"...each one of us should do something to make life better for somebody, to change the course of events, even if only in the most local sense." - Alexander Mc Call Smith.

How easy it is not to get involved, not to put oneself out, to feel that one is too insignificant to make a difference to anything important, or one has too many problems of one's own to cope with someone else's. Rubbish! Simply a kind word or action can make a huge difference to someone in trouble. How positive is a little encouragement, a suggestion of a solution to a problem, an offer of help, a visit, phone call or email, or just an acknowledgement that someone is having a rough time.

At the other end of the spectrum there are numerous examples of how individuals doing small things together can actually effect huge positive change. Non smoking in public places, drink driving, the fall of the Berlin Wall, The Arab Spring, Nuclear Disarmament, Live Aid, volunteering.

Our society has changed so much. We no longer have the family networks or even close friendships we once had. Neighbours are often only glimpsed infrequently. So many people live alone & cope alone - or not. We are in danger of becoming ever more insular & wrapped up in our own lives. Once the habit is established it is very hard to break. The older you get, the harder it is to make new meaningful relationships.

“The fluttering of a butterfly's wings can effect climate changes on the other side of the planet” - Paul Erlich. Each one of us is a the butterfly's wing. We can effect micro and macro change. We just have to want to do it & be prepared to make the effort.

Tennis

I am a fan. I have watched Wimbledon for decades, & probably enjoyed the era when personality was as entertaining as the game itself more than the modern game. Sports science, the frightening focus of the top players, lightweight racquets, the heavy serve & baseline play, have all made it less enjoyable & exciting to my mind.

You have to admire the dedication & discipline of top sportsmen & women. I just wish they would show that they are enjoying themselves more. It almost seems that they have been brainwashed into a deadpan focus on this point in this game. Emotion is not to be encouraged until that final moment of winning, when it all comes pouring out. You make a mistake & you turn round & move on seamlessly to the next point, or you "abuse your racquet" like a petulant child, for which crime you can be fined!

Players who have an instictive feel for the game, rather than a computer like calculation of the percentages of various shots, are few and far between. Players who take risks & try the clever inspirational shots hardly seem to exist. It's all hard slog - heavy unreturnable serves & the impeccable placement of bullet like baseline shots which kill rallies dead.

It is such a game of the mind that the least lapse in concentration, the least distraction can have you down in a set before you know it. Repartee with the crowd is a thing of the past. Some players even wrap their heads in a towel so they can blot out the crowd.

Give me Connors, Nastase, Navratilova, King, even McEnroe any day. Brilliant players who were hugely entertaining to watch. People who loved their sport & were sporting in their play. People who had a real relationship with the crowd. People for whom the prizemoney wasn't the main incentive, which is just as well as it wasn't the mega bucks of today.

Sport isn't just another day at the office as some say. It's far more than the sum of it's parts. Tennis is much like life, it's about values, belief in yourself, fairness. If it isn't that then what's the point of it? It's just another moneymaking opportunity, for you and all the hangers on.

Parenting Children

I've had one & taught hundreds, so I think I have a perspective based on experience. I find modern parenting confusing, which doesn't mean to say that I think my generation got it right all the time. Before I start my "grumpy old woman" rant, I have to make clear that I'm not only talking about my grandchildren, but what I observe in friends children & grandchildren as well as in public.

When did middle class children become the centre of the universe? Why do so many  parents treat them like little "prima donnas"? I'm not advocating going back to "children being seen & not heard". Just a more equable partnership.

Parents seem to think that they need to keep their children occupied & play with them all of the time. What happened to children learning by imaginative play, learning by doing themselves, learning by having fallow periods to reflect & do nothing, just messing about? Childrens lives seem to be a continuous round of stimulation of one sort or another. Why are childrens needs so important that the parent has to subsume their own needs to those of the child?

I find the family relationship to food worrying. Why are parents surprised when children who are allowed to eat sweets, cake, crisps, ice cream....between meals, don't want to eat at mealtime? If I do it I get fat. Luckily children are so energetic they don't tend to. But, "watch this space". Childhood obesity is increasing. If children are allowed to eat "on the hoof" why would they want to sit at a table with cutlery & a plate? If children are given a good choice of foods & how much food at mealtimes, why are they allowed to fiddle with their food & leave it? If the parent says "if you don't eat your main course you can't have any pudding", why don't they stick to it? Mealtimes become battle grounds & it seems to me that the child often has the upper hand.

Which leads me neatly to "mixed messages". Children & parents need consistency. Both parents need to be "singing from the same song sheet". Children need to understand that there will be consequences which arise from their actions or inaction. So the parent needs to set the boundaries & stick to them. This is hard if you are faced with childhood tantrums. But parents aren't meant to be their childs friend. Rewarding good behaviour is important, but so is "punishing" bad. It's a question of balance - more encouraging good behaviour than punishing bad. Just like training a dog really.

Children learn by copying, mimicing the behaviour of those around them. So parents need to set a good example. However, none of us is perfect. The way we deal with our mistakes teaches children just as much as our good behaviour.

When did what children want to say become more important than what adults are talking about? Conversation has rules & listening & waiting for others to finish are two of them. I am so fed up of being interrupted by children with the complicity of their parents. If an adult behaved like that would the parents tolerate it? No. It's rude. How can the child be ready to learn at school if they don't learn to listen and take their turn?

Parenting is a hard full time job. Nowadays there is a lot of help out there with courses, books & TV programmes. In my day there was just Dr Spock! It seems to me that it is simple common sense, but often that doesn't seem to apply. Parents "make a rod for their own backs", which is a shame, because most of us try to do the best we can.

"No wo/man is an island"

Quote - John Donne

Second cataract done on Tuesday. I was delivered like a parcel & collected by my good friends & neighbours Sarah & Dick. Now I'm single it's all so different. David was, if anything, over protective when I was ill or had hospital appointments. But I always knew there was someone there to care for me, even if the caring was liberally laced with black humour.

I can remember thinking "I don't need him to do this" at times. But it isn't a question of actual need. It's a question of demonstrating love & caring. Sharing & supporting in the difficult times. Now it isn't there I realise it's value.

The practicalities can usually be got over, there are taxi's. But very few of us really want to be completely alone when we are ill or recuperating. It's just nice to have someone around to make a cup of tea & cheer us up & be there in case things should go wrong.

Dottie & David came armed with lunch & flowers the day after surgery. It was a hilarious afternoon & probably aided my recovery more than anything else could have. Anne emailed & came for a coffee. Friends who are intuitively aware of what you need are indeed rare. Those who will put themselves out to do it are even rarer.

We are social animals. We do not thrive if we are alone. So I'm going to join a choir, even though I can't sing. Singing is good for your health too.   

High Maintenence Woman

I'm definitely not - but my life is. Since I've been on my own I've had:-

• 5 Plumbing problems
• 6 Electrical problems
• 2 Building problems
• 2 Joinery problems
• 2 TV problems
• 1 Mower problem

+ Several scrapes in the car requiring bodywork - not mine thankfully.  (Probably because I couldn't see properly due to the cataracts). And these are only the ones that I can remember!

None of these was major, all were irritating, time consuming & caused me some degree of inconvenience & worry. All needed the attention of "a man who can". All could be solved because I can afford to pay the "man who can".

What I find baffling is the fact that, like buses, they arrived in clusters. So I could have dealt happily with one at a time, but had to cope with several at once. Commonly known as "S... Law".

The other thing I don't understand is that it seems to me that when Dave was alive we didn't have problems like this. Am I being tested for sainthood? Unlikely. Or is it just that Dave dealt with "stuff" like this, so it really didn't impact on my life? So in the same way that his clothes magically appeared in his wardrobe washed & ironed by the Persil fairy, all these little maintenence issues were sorted by him.

I now know that I can deal with all of this - but I'd rather not. I try hard not to stress when a problem arises, but say to myself I have dealt with all the problems so far, so chances are I will deal with anything else that arises. It's just all very wearing & it would be really nice to have someone to share the load with. Even if it was only to talk it through with. Independence & self reliance is great, but there is a price.

Loss & Lost

It's coming up to the 2nd anniversary of David's death. Fathers Day on the 19th June, his accident on the 27th June, our 43rd wedding anniversary / the day he died on the 9th July, his funeral on the 18th July and his 67th birthday on the 19th July. All within one month.

Last year I asked his friends to remember him & send me those memories for Maryon & the twins. This year I won't do anything. Next year I've resolved not to put the dates in my diary.

I can't say the sense of loss is any less. In many ways it's worse. I miss doing things with him & sharing things with him. I miss his presence, his strength, his integrity & his humour. I miss his infuriating habits & traits. I miss someone to lean on & someone to help sort out the problems of life. I loved him for the imperfect human being he was, not some idealised memory.

I have moved on. I have gained confidence in my ability to cope with life. I have done things I would not have done if he were here. I do simply get on with it & value my friends & what little family I have. But I do miss him & am beginning to realise that I probably always will.

I am not depressed or suicidal. A lot of the time I am actively engaged with life and other people's lives. But I am lost, & alone quite a bit. It isn't what I have been used to. The whole of the first 64 years of my life was spent living with someone else. For 47 of those years David was the focus of my life. At times, during our marriage, I actually did think that it would be good to be alone & independent. I was confident that I would cope with that very well - Be careful what you wish for!

Losing someone you love is hard. But there is no choice, you have to find a way of living with the loss. You have to begin again & find what & who is important to you. You have to try to find a way to enjoy your life. 

Sexualisation of Children

There is a media dialogue at the moment about the sexualisation of children - girls obviously. The whole way we in the West bring children up today is a baffling mystery to me. But this, specifically, fills me with concern & horror. What sort of adults think that it's OK to dress little girls in a parody of adult sexual clothing & make up? Why would anyone want children to be anything other than innocent & childlike? When they have childrens bodies, why would anyone think it's acceptable to dress them not only as sexual beings, but provocatively so?

It seems to me that this deliberately put's very young girls in harms way. It knowingly focuses the worst kind of attention on them. No adult today can be unaware of the risks of Paedophiles or males who objectify women & treat them at best with no respect or at worst physically, verbally & mentally abuse them. This sort of behaviour seems to have reached epic proportions, yet here are parents or carers seemingly complicit in encouraging it to continue.

Have we, so called adults, become so used to sex with everything, explicitly portrayed on TV, in films, & in novels that we no longer view it in a healthy way ourselves? Sex is so all pervasive that it seems to me to have become a simple commodity available to all, at any time, in any form. There doesn't have to be a relationship, love or even liking. "Gratification of my needs now" is the mantra and never mind the impact on anyone else.

Not everyone behaves like this of course, but I do believe we have all been conditioned to accept images which my generation find offensive & gratuitous. In this climate how can young parents make choices which are in the best interests of their children. They need to be extremely strong minded when faced with pester power, cheap availability & advertising.

Children mimic adults, it's how they learn. If the adults & role models dress like this & posture sexually & children see it, that is how they will behave. We have shown them it's OK by broadcasting it in every way possible. Well it's not OK and it's about time we did something about it - Collectively & individually. If we don't, future generations will pay the price.      

Windows - A poem

I look out of my window.
I see my face reflected in space,
Imprisoned in glass,
Distorted by prisms of light.
Bound by a framework so rigid nothing can destroy it.


Separated from freedom
By a fragile wall
I am incapable of destroying.


I can see light, air, space.
Birds soar in the air.
Trees sway delicately in the wind.


I move only within constraints.
My mind is free,
But serves no useful purpose,
At odds with my body.


A feeble moth,
Wings beating in futility.
Drawn to the light
And ultimately destroyed by it.


My reflected face seems to hover
Between the confines within
And the tantalising expanse I can see.


Why don't I break the crystal wall,
Move outwards,
Accept the invitation?


I touch the cold, intractable divide.
Withdraw.
Humiliated in defeat.



Val Carlill

A Day in the Life of......

First thing every morning, around 7.30, I wonder what I'm getting up for & I'm reluctant to get out of bed. The days will only be filled by me & mostly I will be on my own in the silence, apart from Radio 4.

I do eat three meals a day & I do cook from scratch in the evening. But mealtimes are quickly over, obviously there's no lingering over conversation. Food isn't savoured, it's a necessity. Food is also a crutch, so I have been eating the wrong things too much between meals. Hence the diet - I've lost 3 lbs in the first week!!! I read at lunchtime & watch the news on TV in the evening. Occasionally I'll have a glass of wine with the right meal.

Periodically I have friends round for a meal, or go to them. Always lunch, I don't "do" evenings. I don't mind being a single in my world of mostly couples. I enjoy cooking, especially trying something new. Gnocchi is my new ingredient at the moment. It's always fun to have a group of us for a meal. I love the stimulation of good conversation. But the downside is that I find the preparation & clearing up really hard work & tiring. Having to do the drinks & all the peripherals as well as the food is quite difficult. I always forget something!

Eating requires shopping for food, which I do when I go swimming. I have upped that from 32 lengths 3 times a week to as often as I can. Again for health reasons. Also it occupies time. Swimming is also my only regular social activity. I swim on Sunday mornings with a lovely group of women. We also occasionally do other things together as a group - meals, walks,etc, & I walk weekly in the summer with a couple of the women.

I don't do much housework because I can't because of various chronic medical conditions, which are a pain in every sense. David always did most of it, but now I have Lucy, a fortnightly cleaner who is a friend. Ditto gardening, which I have always had a love hate relationship with because of the pain it causes. Once I'm out there I forget everything. There is always another job to do & it is very satisfying to tidy a rampant area or plant new plants for the future. Vaughan the fortnightly gardener is also a friend.

I spend more time than I should on the computer, I think blogging has probably kept me sane. I keep in touch with friends and aquaintances by email, buy things over the internet because shopping requires driving to a nearby town. Once I get there I wonder what I could possibly want which is worth the effort. So shopping trips are brief & infrequent. As I get older I want less & less "things" - I prefer a minimalist, simple life. So I'm not particularly "fashionable". I certainly am not a label slave!

I always read, sometimes 2 books at a time, maybe a fiction & a non fiction. I have favourite authors & avidly read everything they have written. I can't envisage not having a book on the go, and if I ran out of authors I would be bereft! I occasionally get a weekend newspaper & love the Telegraph general knowledge crossword. (I don't cheat by using the computer).

Facilitating a modern life takes quite a bit of time. I find paperwork a bind, but I am organised & I do it. What I hate is chasing up the incompetence of the financial institutions for instance, or doing price comparisons for insurance etc. The time wasted is enormous, but one thing I do have is time.

I see my daughter and family once or twice a month. I am very lucky, she is a lovely person, kind & considerate, & makes a real effort to include me in her very busy life. But I know the demands that a career, husband & family, & social life make on a woman. I remember what it was like when I was her age, & wonder how I managed to keep all the plates in the air. I love her very much & treasure our relationship which has deepened since David died.

I have various volunteer roles which take time periodically. I am a member of the Independent Monitoring Board of Gloucester Prison. I am a lay panel member for the HealthTechnology Assessment programme which looks a bids for NHS research. I am also a tutor for the Expert Patient Programme for people with chronic conditions. These all tend to be frantic bursts of quite intellectual & demanding work several times a year. I do enjoy the challenge of all of them, different though they are.

After supper I watch the TV because I'm knackered, usually pre recorded, selected programmes - I loathe the adverts. Sometimes I struggle to stay awake! Perversely usually if it's a documentary I really want to see. I go to bed at around 10 and always read for a while. I always think of David last thing at night & miss him.
 
Life is relentless. Time passes, sometimes quickly, sometimes inexorably slowly.  I am still adjusting to a solo life, sometimes well, sometimes not at all well. There is no choice, except in what to do with my life.