At the moment it's my filing cabinet. The lightbulb moment of absolute joy was realising that an Ikea plastic divider tray would fit into the cabinet drawer & give me places to put all those irritating, but indispensible, little things that move about with a life of their own.
I started to take my mind off the nausea & headache I'm experiencing currently. Distraction technique is very effective. In going through everything systematically I have half filled my recycling wheelie bin. It is all truly theraputic.
Making space, de-cluttering, keeping only what I really need, it's very pleasurable. I just can't understand people who hoard to the point when their stuff becomes a burden, clogging up their homes & their lives.
I have to consider whether something will prove useful in the future. Admittedly I don't always get that right. But as I shed things, usually paperwork related to my past, I also shed the weight of that in my head. My mind does become clearer about what really matters to me now and in the future.
I really don't need all the financial paperwork surrounding the death of my husband any more. I don't need the paperwork relating to the County Court case I brought against the vendor of my home. Things like that took up vast amounts of my time and energy. They were draining, but were important to me at the time. Now I have moved on. My life has moved on.
I want to live now & move forward. The past is the past. Life is, literally, too short.
Monday 25 May 2015
Sunday 24 May 2015
Intolerance - We shouldn't tolerate it.
"Lacking respect for practices & beliefs other than one's own. Unable or unwilling to tolerate or endure".
I think I'm fairly tolerant - most of the time. I don't think I have big issues with things like religion, ethnicity, sexuality or politics. I mostly believe that people have a right to their beliefs & opinions, even if they are not my own. I might openly disagree & engage in heated discussion, but I'm more likely to want to question & understand.
There are things that I think a human being should not tolerate though. Broadly these would be the behaviours which are against the core beliefs of most of the worlds religions. Simply put we should not tolerate a lack of respect for and care of other human beings. Human beings are infinitely diverse in every way. That is their right so long as they do no harm. We do not have the right to discriminate against those who are different.
But we do it all the time. Historically we pick on individuals or groups who are different. We bully, torture and kill. We always have done. The question is why? What is it about the human psyche that makes us form groups who target this or that set of people? Is there some deep psychological reason to explain this quite prevalent behaviour in all corners & all peoples of the world?
I don't know the answer, but given all the news stories at the moment which are rooted in intolerance of some sort or other, it seems an important question to probe & try to find an answer to.
I think I'm fairly tolerant - most of the time. I don't think I have big issues with things like religion, ethnicity, sexuality or politics. I mostly believe that people have a right to their beliefs & opinions, even if they are not my own. I might openly disagree & engage in heated discussion, but I'm more likely to want to question & understand.
There are things that I think a human being should not tolerate though. Broadly these would be the behaviours which are against the core beliefs of most of the worlds religions. Simply put we should not tolerate a lack of respect for and care of other human beings. Human beings are infinitely diverse in every way. That is their right so long as they do no harm. We do not have the right to discriminate against those who are different.
But we do it all the time. Historically we pick on individuals or groups who are different. We bully, torture and kill. We always have done. The question is why? What is it about the human psyche that makes us form groups who target this or that set of people? Is there some deep psychological reason to explain this quite prevalent behaviour in all corners & all peoples of the world?
I don't know the answer, but given all the news stories at the moment which are rooted in intolerance of some sort or other, it seems an important question to probe & try to find an answer to.
Thursday 21 May 2015
A B C D - Ageing, Backache, Cancer & Dementia
There's a bit of a theme this week. Apologies dear reader. I'm not normally so self focussed, it must be going on the Warners Mini Break.
Ageing is really not a bundle of joy for many people. However in the interests of balance, both my father & my mother in law lived into their 90's and really didn't seem to have any illness until their last few years. Both had vascular dementia though. My dad reckoned not to know what a headache was & my mother in law thought that stress was a fiction invented by my "mamby pamby" generation. She, of course, lived through the 2nd world war.
Anyway, recently two close friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer - (I immediately made an appointment for a mammogram). Another friend has repeated episodes of melanoma. The husband of a friend & the mother of a friend both have definite symptoms of dementia....I could go on.
The thing is that any sentient being knows that the body is a highly complex system which is bound to wear out. There are replacement parts, which can keep the show on the road for a bit longer, but we do all have a sell by date which is imprinted in our genes. We also have the benefits of the great Pharma industry to Prolong Active Life like the pet food advert.
There seems to be a gene lottery which determines what you are given to work with at birth. Add to that we seem very prone to abuse the gift of life by imbibing all sorts of things which don't do the sensitive balance of our systems any good at all. The result is that we are becoming the sickest society since man first walked the world thousands of years ago. Most of us aren't going to be eaten by predatory animals any more, but many are sick - physically, mentally & emotionally.
We often don't treat our bodies or our world with respect. We also don't always treat our old people with respect. Respect should be earned of course, but we should at least care properly for the elderly & infirm. A combination of family & state should be able, as far as possible, to ensure dignity in old age, security, freedom from pain & adequate nutrition.
The elderly are often not capable of fighting their own battles, so deserve our protection.
Ageing is really not a bundle of joy for many people. However in the interests of balance, both my father & my mother in law lived into their 90's and really didn't seem to have any illness until their last few years. Both had vascular dementia though. My dad reckoned not to know what a headache was & my mother in law thought that stress was a fiction invented by my "mamby pamby" generation. She, of course, lived through the 2nd world war.
Anyway, recently two close friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer - (I immediately made an appointment for a mammogram). Another friend has repeated episodes of melanoma. The husband of a friend & the mother of a friend both have definite symptoms of dementia....I could go on.
The thing is that any sentient being knows that the body is a highly complex system which is bound to wear out. There are replacement parts, which can keep the show on the road for a bit longer, but we do all have a sell by date which is imprinted in our genes. We also have the benefits of the great Pharma industry to Prolong Active Life like the pet food advert.
There seems to be a gene lottery which determines what you are given to work with at birth. Add to that we seem very prone to abuse the gift of life by imbibing all sorts of things which don't do the sensitive balance of our systems any good at all. The result is that we are becoming the sickest society since man first walked the world thousands of years ago. Most of us aren't going to be eaten by predatory animals any more, but many are sick - physically, mentally & emotionally.
We often don't treat our bodies or our world with respect. We also don't always treat our old people with respect. Respect should be earned of course, but we should at least care properly for the elderly & infirm. A combination of family & state should be able, as far as possible, to ensure dignity in old age, security, freedom from pain & adequate nutrition.
The elderly are often not capable of fighting their own battles, so deserve our protection.
Wednesday 20 May 2015
Cold Turkey & Withdrawl Symptoms
I've never considered myself a drug addict. I don't think I quite fit the profile. However I've been taking a "pick & mix" of smarties for a long time now & they weren't working. The intake kept increasing but the pain levels worsened. The "suck it and see" method of prescribing just doesn't solve the problems & the intake never reduced.
So I decided, having talked to a Pharmacist & then my GP, that I would come off everything except the heart medication. I wasn't keen on dropping dead from a stroke or heart attack just yet.
I stopped taking the first drug in early March, the next two in April & now I'm starting reducing the the final one today. I've been nauseous for 3 weeks. I've gone off food & tea & coffee - Fortunately not gin & tonic or wine. My head feels as if there is a tight metal band pressing round from my forhead to the nape of my neck. I've had "swirling pit" type dizzy spells when I get into bed - (not after G & T or wine though fortunately). The pain has got worse, unsurprisingly. Therefore something must have been working - a bit.
The thing is no one told me what to expect from going "cold turkey". No one advised me how to deal with or recognise the withdrawl symptoms if I got them. I think that's a bit remiss. I've had chronic conditions for a long time, so I'm habituated to pain, fatigue & feeling unwell. I manage my own conditions independently. I make an effort to keep fit and active.
In this instance even I found it very difficult to cope. I went into the surgery on the morning of the worst day to see if I could see a doctor. I was told someone would phone, which they did about tea time. The doctor, who I didn't know, was very reassuring & encouraged me to keep going. I have done.
I think that if I can get my body to a drug free baseline, (apart from the Beta Blockers & Warfarin !), I then stand a chance of introducing a drug to deal with the pain one at a time. I can then monitor the results or absence of results. My body will also be free of unnecessary substances.
I don't need a medical qualification to see the logic of what I'm doing. I just wonder why the medics didn't suggest it themselves instead of just continuing to prescribe ineffective drugs, which are, after all, toxins.
I believe in patients taking responsibility for themselves & working in partnership with their health professionals. It just doesn't seem to work very well in my case. It shouldn't be beyond the wit of medics in the 21st century to control chronic & acute pain.
So I decided, having talked to a Pharmacist & then my GP, that I would come off everything except the heart medication. I wasn't keen on dropping dead from a stroke or heart attack just yet.
I stopped taking the first drug in early March, the next two in April & now I'm starting reducing the the final one today. I've been nauseous for 3 weeks. I've gone off food & tea & coffee - Fortunately not gin & tonic or wine. My head feels as if there is a tight metal band pressing round from my forhead to the nape of my neck. I've had "swirling pit" type dizzy spells when I get into bed - (not after G & T or wine though fortunately). The pain has got worse, unsurprisingly. Therefore something must have been working - a bit.
The thing is no one told me what to expect from going "cold turkey". No one advised me how to deal with or recognise the withdrawl symptoms if I got them. I think that's a bit remiss. I've had chronic conditions for a long time, so I'm habituated to pain, fatigue & feeling unwell. I manage my own conditions independently. I make an effort to keep fit and active.
In this instance even I found it very difficult to cope. I went into the surgery on the morning of the worst day to see if I could see a doctor. I was told someone would phone, which they did about tea time. The doctor, who I didn't know, was very reassuring & encouraged me to keep going. I have done.
I think that if I can get my body to a drug free baseline, (apart from the Beta Blockers & Warfarin !), I then stand a chance of introducing a drug to deal with the pain one at a time. I can then monitor the results or absence of results. My body will also be free of unnecessary substances.
I don't need a medical qualification to see the logic of what I'm doing. I just wonder why the medics didn't suggest it themselves instead of just continuing to prescribe ineffective drugs, which are, after all, toxins.
I believe in patients taking responsibility for themselves & working in partnership with their health professionals. It just doesn't seem to work very well in my case. It shouldn't be beyond the wit of medics in the 21st century to control chronic & acute pain.
Saturday 9 May 2015
Warners Mini Breaks - Parade of the Pensioners!
I've just got back and seen the shape of things to come. We pensioners may just be about to rule the world. Think holiday in a retirement home. It was just amazing. We were probably the youngest there apart from the wonderful staff. I really wasn't expecting it.
You have to admire the Unique Selling Point to a niche market. The whole thing is really well organised to deliver a very good experience. The punters obviously really enjoy it and come back for more ...& more. You can be a Concierge Member if you go often enough - and they do - time & time again.
What's not to like about staying in a stately home, in wonderful grounds, in an interesting area of the UK. The staff are well trained & very professional. The rooms are comfortable & quiet. There is lots to do on site, so you needn't even leave the hotel. I went rifle shooting. Good thing I'm not likely to defend the Realm - I couldn't hit anything.
The entertainment was entertaining, but possibly not in the way they expected. There is dancing & then there is dancing. This was like the dance of the dead. Moving around the floor, often in sequence, but barely moving at all. Somehow the faces were immobile, possibly because they were concentrating on doing the steps. The posture was generally very upright & stiff, (but then I can understand that, suffering from advanced rigor mortis myself). There was no rhythm or joy in movement, (but I suppose at this age we are happy to actually still be moving). The young professional hosts & resident band were wonderful. Not only were they trained dancers / actors / musicians, but they determinedly created a good atmosphere & got people involved. Except us. We just watched. The comedian managed to encourage an early night though. I laughed once. Maybe my sense of humour is worn out too.
There were some stand out personalities among the guests. The very elderly lady who danced alongside the professional hosts doing her own thing, completely divorced from anything they were doing. I didn't know whether to admire her b...s or squirm with embarassment. The man who seemed to managed to nail us in the sauna or steam room & tell us his personal life over and over again. Response was not necessary. The man who we saw at every meal time, because you are allocated a table & can't move about in the restaurant. He was a great raconteur, but again didn't really want a conversation. What is it about these monopolising men who think women were just created as an audience? Women can bore for England too, but fortunately we didn't meeet any.
The singalongs in the lounges reminded me even more of an old peoples home. Fortunately there wasn't any Bingo, but it was like God's waiting room at times. Interestingly there was no ethnic mix at all. We were all white British. Maybe that should be addressed.
I feel like "Mrs Grumpy rides again" - I did enjoy it really.
You have to admire the Unique Selling Point to a niche market. The whole thing is really well organised to deliver a very good experience. The punters obviously really enjoy it and come back for more ...& more. You can be a Concierge Member if you go often enough - and they do - time & time again.
What's not to like about staying in a stately home, in wonderful grounds, in an interesting area of the UK. The staff are well trained & very professional. The rooms are comfortable & quiet. There is lots to do on site, so you needn't even leave the hotel. I went rifle shooting. Good thing I'm not likely to defend the Realm - I couldn't hit anything.
The entertainment was entertaining, but possibly not in the way they expected. There is dancing & then there is dancing. This was like the dance of the dead. Moving around the floor, often in sequence, but barely moving at all. Somehow the faces were immobile, possibly because they were concentrating on doing the steps. The posture was generally very upright & stiff, (but then I can understand that, suffering from advanced rigor mortis myself). There was no rhythm or joy in movement, (but I suppose at this age we are happy to actually still be moving). The young professional hosts & resident band were wonderful. Not only were they trained dancers / actors / musicians, but they determinedly created a good atmosphere & got people involved. Except us. We just watched. The comedian managed to encourage an early night though. I laughed once. Maybe my sense of humour is worn out too.
There were some stand out personalities among the guests. The very elderly lady who danced alongside the professional hosts doing her own thing, completely divorced from anything they were doing. I didn't know whether to admire her b...s or squirm with embarassment. The man who seemed to managed to nail us in the sauna or steam room & tell us his personal life over and over again. Response was not necessary. The man who we saw at every meal time, because you are allocated a table & can't move about in the restaurant. He was a great raconteur, but again didn't really want a conversation. What is it about these monopolising men who think women were just created as an audience? Women can bore for England too, but fortunately we didn't meeet any.
The singalongs in the lounges reminded me even more of an old peoples home. Fortunately there wasn't any Bingo, but it was like God's waiting room at times. Interestingly there was no ethnic mix at all. We were all white British. Maybe that should be addressed.
I feel like "Mrs Grumpy rides again" - I did enjoy it really.
Monday 4 May 2015
The NHS & Chronic Dis - ease.
I think I can definitely say that dis-ease is a constant in my life. Ease would be nice. Not sure I remember what it actually feels like.
Currently I'm feeling nauseous & fatigued because I'm gradually coming off all the pills the medics have prescribed like smarties. (Monitored by my GP). I have finally decided that as none of them seem to be stopping the considerable pain and stiffness there is little point in taking them. The issue I have with the way the NHS works is that they literally do operate a "suck it and see" policy for people like me with a whole range of chronic conditions. They fire bullets & hope that one will hit home, but bullets can kill you & drugs are toxins.
I have found, over the many years my body has baffled medical science, that doctors in general are very good at tolerating their patients pain. They have to be or they would have a complete emotional breakdown. However, for the patient this is bad news.
When I have an appointment with any medic I take an updated synopsis of my medical history, (a little shorter than "War & Peace" & not so entertaining). I also have bullet points of queries & concerns. I go prepared, so I try to ensure that there is an effective exchange of information and clarity.
The wheels of the monolith NHS do grind slowly though, unless you have an accident or a very serious illness. Because everything is supposedly done by testing & is evidence based there is a tendency to dismiss those who fall outside the accepted perameters. A consultant has just admitted to me that a very small percentage of people can fall outside the norms & still have the condition. This is the second time this has happened to me. Once with Hypothyroidism & now with Polymyalgia Rheumatica. The old fashioned way of diagnosing by symptomology seems to have fallen by the wayside.
I can't get out of bed in the morning because of stiffness & pain. I am sleep deprived because the pain wakes me up, or stops me from going to sleep. Walking to the ensuite or down / up stairs to have breakfast is an accident waiting to happen. I'm not going to die from this - whatever "this" is, but it is hampering my life 24/7. It is exhausting.
I want an accurate diagnosis & I want effective pain relief. I am by no means alone in these simple desires. Is it too much to ask?
Currently I'm feeling nauseous & fatigued because I'm gradually coming off all the pills the medics have prescribed like smarties. (Monitored by my GP). I have finally decided that as none of them seem to be stopping the considerable pain and stiffness there is little point in taking them. The issue I have with the way the NHS works is that they literally do operate a "suck it and see" policy for people like me with a whole range of chronic conditions. They fire bullets & hope that one will hit home, but bullets can kill you & drugs are toxins.
I have found, over the many years my body has baffled medical science, that doctors in general are very good at tolerating their patients pain. They have to be or they would have a complete emotional breakdown. However, for the patient this is bad news.
When I have an appointment with any medic I take an updated synopsis of my medical history, (a little shorter than "War & Peace" & not so entertaining). I also have bullet points of queries & concerns. I go prepared, so I try to ensure that there is an effective exchange of information and clarity.
The wheels of the monolith NHS do grind slowly though, unless you have an accident or a very serious illness. Because everything is supposedly done by testing & is evidence based there is a tendency to dismiss those who fall outside the accepted perameters. A consultant has just admitted to me that a very small percentage of people can fall outside the norms & still have the condition. This is the second time this has happened to me. Once with Hypothyroidism & now with Polymyalgia Rheumatica. The old fashioned way of diagnosing by symptomology seems to have fallen by the wayside.
I can't get out of bed in the morning because of stiffness & pain. I am sleep deprived because the pain wakes me up, or stops me from going to sleep. Walking to the ensuite or down / up stairs to have breakfast is an accident waiting to happen. I'm not going to die from this - whatever "this" is, but it is hampering my life 24/7. It is exhausting.
I want an accurate diagnosis & I want effective pain relief. I am by no means alone in these simple desires. Is it too much to ask?
Saturday 2 May 2015
A Green Wall or a Moroccan Courtyard
In this house, the first one in my life which is truly mine alone, I seem to be fated and really very unlucky. The saga of my new Wren kitchen is well documented. Now it's the saga of my Courtyard.
I started off wanting a "green wall" & duly got a company, well a man actually, I really didn't see any signs of a company as such. I first contacted him in in August 2014. I paid him to come out and do a site visit. That should have resulted in a plan for the complicated fittings and watering system which supports the planting. Not unreasonably I think, I expected 3 things, a design for the underlying structure, a planting plan & a costing. Here we are 8 months and many excuses later and I don't have any of those. So the Green Wall bites the dust. I really can't go through that whole process again with another company.
So I expand on my Moroccan Riad courtyard idea.
I am developing depths of patience I never knew I had. Or maybe I'm just more cynical about the infinite possibilities of things going wrong & the unreliability of trades people & suppliers.
It will happen, but it should have been done weeks ago so I could be enjoying the planting now.
I started off wanting a "green wall" & duly got a company, well a man actually, I really didn't see any signs of a company as such. I first contacted him in in August 2014. I paid him to come out and do a site visit. That should have resulted in a plan for the complicated fittings and watering system which supports the planting. Not unreasonably I think, I expected 3 things, a design for the underlying structure, a planting plan & a costing. Here we are 8 months and many excuses later and I don't have any of those. So the Green Wall bites the dust. I really can't go through that whole process again with another company.
So I expand on my Moroccan Riad courtyard idea.
- Some minor electrical work resulting in a hole needing filling - what a botched job that was!
- Then a whole wall painted a terracotta shade of peachy orange - a bit risky, it's a very bright colour. A good job - hooray!
- Meanwhile an order for 2 large fiberglass plant troughs to sit on a ledge above a pre-existing water rill - badly packed by the supplier, lost by the carrier, then arriving with very damaged packaging. These things are the size of coffins, so not easy to wo/manhandle, but I did manage to get them out without having a heart attack & miraculously the troughs were OK.
- The "piece de resistance" is a specialist Moroccan tiled panel feature with a central polycarbonate mirror. The tiles have to be encaustic because of the possibility of frost damage.They come from the Netherlands - a bit risky you might say. How right you would be. Much excitement & anticipation when they arrived - They were completely the wrong colour. The border should have been a bright blue - think Mediteranian. They were darkish grey. Panic.
- What clout do you have if you have paid for something coming from abroad? Well if it's in the European Union you have quite a lot fortunately. Have you ever heard of the European Consumer Centre? Me neither. However apparently they are like Trading Standards for the whole EEC.
- The issue is that the colour of the tiles on the website in no way resembles the colour of the actual tile. I had asked for a sample tile to be sent but the company declined. I have finally got that point accross & agreed to pay for 2 alternative coloured tiles to be sent. I have to hope that one of those will be better & that the company will then arrange for the new tiles to be delivered & the old ones collected.
I am developing depths of patience I never knew I had. Or maybe I'm just more cynical about the infinite possibilities of things going wrong & the unreliability of trades people & suppliers.
It will happen, but it should have been done weeks ago so I could be enjoying the planting now.
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