Fantasy - "imagination unrestricted by reality" - "a series of pleasing mental images...to fulfil a need not gratified in reality" - Collins English Dictionary. Once again, as with "grooming", I struggle to understand the innocuous terms we use to describe really aberrant behaviour.
Listening to the radio today there was an interesting discussion about the ready availability of pornographic images on the internet. It centred on whether the ISP's regulate their sites enough & whether there is evidence that this sort of imagery actually leads to serious crime. There are people who feel that there should not be any regulation of what is available on the internet, justified by a "freedom of information / speech" ethic. There is also an issue about how you actually do it. There are also people who deny any causal link between the images & crime.
Are we in danger of forgetting that the people in these images, whether they are children of either sex or adults, are being abused in the most vile way & are probably very vulnerable people who need help and protection. At it's worst extreme there are actually"snuff videos". Another sanitised term for something unspeakable. Aren't there times when we do have to say this is simply never acceptable & everyone should be doing everything possible to stop it. Software designers today can achieve almost anything, surely this is not beyond them? Or are we not prepared to pay the monetary price?
In the recent case of Mark Bridger's murder of April Jones and a whole litany of similar cases around the world, a high price is already being paid by family, friends & the stalwart professionals who have to deal with these men face to face. I can only try to imagine, very ineffectually, how I would have felt in similar circumstances.
What we are talking about is not "fantasy" in any way that I recognise the word. Until we stop using euphemisms & find words to accurately define what this evil is, we may never really get to grips with it & find effective ways of lancing the suppurating boil on humanity that it is.
Friday 31 May 2013
Wednesday 29 May 2013
A Night at the Opera
I went to see "La Donna del Largo" on Monday with some friends. It was a bizarre production to say the least. Men tartan kilts, one of the lead "men" is a woman, 2 completely disconnected periods of history sharing the stage simultaneously, historical people in glass cases coming alive, an animal being eviscerated & people smearing themselves with blood......All fairly normal for an opera I suppose - you do have to suspend disbelief.
But the music & the singing was sublime. The cast created the magic which allowed you to lose yourself in the story & be lifted out of the run of the mill daily grind by the vocal virtuosity. Some of the arias, duets & trios made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
It makes you realise what heights human beings are capable of in every sphere. People are born with individual talents & gifts. If they recognise what those are & are prepared to put in the years of hard work to hone their skills they can achieve things which are completely out of the ordinary. A production like this is not just the singers & musicians, I would imagine most of the creative arts are involved, and someone has to have the overall vision.
Woe betide a society which doesn't value the importance of the arts & creativity.
Similarly, I am always amazed at the physical extremes which the human body can operate in. At the level of international competition it seems to me individuals transcend the confines of the human body. Some of the achievements are outstanding & sports science benefits us all in understanding our body & it's capabilities. The prizes don't come cheap though. Athletes have to train their mind and body, and they undoubtedly suffer pain.
Everyone who excels achieves not only for themselves, but for all of us & the world we live in. We should value their huge effort & delight in their success in all it's diversity.
But the music & the singing was sublime. The cast created the magic which allowed you to lose yourself in the story & be lifted out of the run of the mill daily grind by the vocal virtuosity. Some of the arias, duets & trios made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
It makes you realise what heights human beings are capable of in every sphere. People are born with individual talents & gifts. If they recognise what those are & are prepared to put in the years of hard work to hone their skills they can achieve things which are completely out of the ordinary. A production like this is not just the singers & musicians, I would imagine most of the creative arts are involved, and someone has to have the overall vision.
Woe betide a society which doesn't value the importance of the arts & creativity.
Similarly, I am always amazed at the physical extremes which the human body can operate in. At the level of international competition it seems to me individuals transcend the confines of the human body. Some of the achievements are outstanding & sports science benefits us all in understanding our body & it's capabilities. The prizes don't come cheap though. Athletes have to train their mind and body, and they undoubtedly suffer pain.
Everyone who excels achieves not only for themselves, but for all of us & the world we live in. We should value their huge effort & delight in their success in all it's diversity.
Sunday 26 May 2013
A Living Death.
The majority of us go through a well defined process if someone we love dies. That process helps us to accept the reality of what has happened, come to terms with it, & hopefully move on.
But for some very unfortunate people that doesn't happen.
For example, when someone is murdered & the perpetrator isn't caught. Or presumably even worse, when there is no body. It must be very difficult to move forward with your life when there are so many unanswered questions. We need the process to be complete, to say goodbye properly & know, as far as is possible what happened.
Similarly, when the person does not die, but is in a coma or suffers from dementia. The person we knew & loved & needed in our lives hasn't died but departed to a different reality to that which we occupy. They are still alive, but cease to be accessible to us & share our lives. The loss is very real, but there is no ending. The body is still there and functioning, but we cannot share our lives with them in any meaningful way.
Then there is the poignant loss of someone close through misunderstanding or conflict. There are always things we wish we had not said and done because none of us are perfect. Or, we may not have said and done things we should have because we were maybe preoccupied with our own troubles. There are different ways of looking at things, reasons may not be obvious or even reasonable. Communication breaks down. You become distanced from the person you love & in extreme cases they become dead because you are excluded from their lives.
These living deaths must be immeasurably painful. They put a huge strain on everyone involved & often lead to even more relationship breakdown because we all have different ways of coping. There is no choice but to cope. If we are faced with a situation like this we have to find a way of dealing with it. The only way out is to accept what has happened and accept how we feel about it on a moment by moment basis. But it is very hard.
Life & living isn't easy in the complex 21st century. As you age you see more and more of this complexity.
But for some very unfortunate people that doesn't happen.
For example, when someone is murdered & the perpetrator isn't caught. Or presumably even worse, when there is no body. It must be very difficult to move forward with your life when there are so many unanswered questions. We need the process to be complete, to say goodbye properly & know, as far as is possible what happened.
Similarly, when the person does not die, but is in a coma or suffers from dementia. The person we knew & loved & needed in our lives hasn't died but departed to a different reality to that which we occupy. They are still alive, but cease to be accessible to us & share our lives. The loss is very real, but there is no ending. The body is still there and functioning, but we cannot share our lives with them in any meaningful way.
Then there is the poignant loss of someone close through misunderstanding or conflict. There are always things we wish we had not said and done because none of us are perfect. Or, we may not have said and done things we should have because we were maybe preoccupied with our own troubles. There are different ways of looking at things, reasons may not be obvious or even reasonable. Communication breaks down. You become distanced from the person you love & in extreme cases they become dead because you are excluded from their lives.
These living deaths must be immeasurably painful. They put a huge strain on everyone involved & often lead to even more relationship breakdown because we all have different ways of coping. There is no choice but to cope. If we are faced with a situation like this we have to find a way of dealing with it. The only way out is to accept what has happened and accept how we feel about it on a moment by moment basis. But it is very hard.
Life & living isn't easy in the complex 21st century. As you age you see more and more of this complexity.
Thursday 23 May 2013
The Decision Making Process
How much should you trust your own "gut instinct" & how much should you research & make sure you have all the relevant information? How many other opinions should you seek & whose opinion do you trust? Friends & family who have been consulted have identified things I hadn't thought of. This is all critical for me at the moment in trying to buy a house.
On the one hand I don't tend to dither & I am organised, so the process should be reasonably safe. On the other this is the most expensive purchase I will ever make & it is really important to be happy in your home. It's the place you spend most time if you are retired. It should be a sanctuary. A mistake can be very costly in financial & emotional terms. I really don't want to have to do this all again, especially if I was 10 years older.
The danger is that one becomes over analytical & bogged down in information. The "pro's" & "con's" just confuse & hinder purposeful action. There has to be compromise because the ideal simply doesn't exist. The key is identifying what is non negotiable - what is really important to you. I like space & light. I like modern & uncluttered. I need peace & quiet.
Even though I'm clear about my likes & dislikes & just how much work I'm prepared to do on the right house, it's still a leap in the dark. It's also quite mind blowing to get all the balls in the air at the right moment & remember everything that has to be done to move house.
The only consolation is that is if I'm finding it quite a difficult process now, it's bound to be even worse when I'm 70+. I need to make my mind up.
On the one hand I don't tend to dither & I am organised, so the process should be reasonably safe. On the other this is the most expensive purchase I will ever make & it is really important to be happy in your home. It's the place you spend most time if you are retired. It should be a sanctuary. A mistake can be very costly in financial & emotional terms. I really don't want to have to do this all again, especially if I was 10 years older.
The danger is that one becomes over analytical & bogged down in information. The "pro's" & "con's" just confuse & hinder purposeful action. There has to be compromise because the ideal simply doesn't exist. The key is identifying what is non negotiable - what is really important to you. I like space & light. I like modern & uncluttered. I need peace & quiet.
Even though I'm clear about my likes & dislikes & just how much work I'm prepared to do on the right house, it's still a leap in the dark. It's also quite mind blowing to get all the balls in the air at the right moment & remember everything that has to be done to move house.
The only consolation is that is if I'm finding it quite a difficult process now, it's bound to be even worse when I'm 70+. I need to make my mind up.
Saturday 18 May 2013
Swimming
"Swimming against the tide" - "things are going swimmingly" - "my head is swimming" - "swimming in the mainstream" - swimming in deep waters". All of these apply at different times and in different circumstances. At the moment I could apply all of them, according to what I'm doing & my current mood.
Actual swimming , which I do 3 - 4 times a week is completely different. It's half an hour swimming 32 lengths in the pool, when nothing and nobody impinges on one of the few things I do entirely selfishly, just for myself. My only focus is this stroke, this breath, this moment in time, this length. My head is clear, things that are worrying or perplexing me simply disappear. Oddly, solutions to problems often do pop into my head when swimming or soon after. My only problem is remembering what they were!
The brain is constantly working. Emotions interfere with logical thought. To be in a mindful state removing all the clatter of voices in our head is not easy to achieve. Being able to let go of thoughts and feelings is something you have to work very hard to achieve. We delude ourselves that we can control our world and those who inhabit it.
In fact the only time that exists is now - this moment. The trick is not to be wasting the moment looking back or trying to anticipate what will happen. We waste so much time and energy doing both these things, instead of trying to live each moment to the full doing something we really want to do. Yesterday has gone & is unchangeable. We may not have a tomorrow.
I've just disposed of a tide of paperwork amassed over several years. It no longer has any relevance to my life. I intend to dispose of another mountain of "stuff" which I feel serves no useful or emotional purpose. The "noise" of my life - being responsible for & worrying about "things" has to stop. I want to stop swimming against the tide of life in general and float in the warm waters enjoying myself. I am going to the deep end of the unknown, but the most noise comes from the shallow end!
Actual swimming , which I do 3 - 4 times a week is completely different. It's half an hour swimming 32 lengths in the pool, when nothing and nobody impinges on one of the few things I do entirely selfishly, just for myself. My only focus is this stroke, this breath, this moment in time, this length. My head is clear, things that are worrying or perplexing me simply disappear. Oddly, solutions to problems often do pop into my head when swimming or soon after. My only problem is remembering what they were!
The brain is constantly working. Emotions interfere with logical thought. To be in a mindful state removing all the clatter of voices in our head is not easy to achieve. Being able to let go of thoughts and feelings is something you have to work very hard to achieve. We delude ourselves that we can control our world and those who inhabit it.
In fact the only time that exists is now - this moment. The trick is not to be wasting the moment looking back or trying to anticipate what will happen. We waste so much time and energy doing both these things, instead of trying to live each moment to the full doing something we really want to do. Yesterday has gone & is unchangeable. We may not have a tomorrow.
I've just disposed of a tide of paperwork amassed over several years. It no longer has any relevance to my life. I intend to dispose of another mountain of "stuff" which I feel serves no useful or emotional purpose. The "noise" of my life - being responsible for & worrying about "things" has to stop. I want to stop swimming against the tide of life in general and float in the warm waters enjoying myself. I am going to the deep end of the unknown, but the most noise comes from the shallow end!
Thursday 16 May 2013
Girls & "Grooming"
What an innocuous word "grooming" is for such an unspeakable process. In my far off youth "grooming" was the Lucy Clayton school of Deportment! Even now we talk about "good grooming" when referring to someone who is beautifully turned out, or someone who looks clean & presentable.
There needs to be another word for these predatory men, who deliberately set out to target very vulnerable young girls, who are really looking for someone to love them, but aren't old enough or confident enough to discriminate between love & abuse. The word needs to reflect the horror of what is done to these girls & the fact that the men involved are behaving in such a despicable way. I can't immediately think of an appropriate word, but I do think we should try to find one. We need to communicate very graphically what we as individuals & a society think of these crimes, not pussy foot around with this inadequate euphemism.
We are just beginning to appreciate that this would appear to be a crime that is widespread. We probably have no idea of the numbers of girls & men involved. The children involved in this will quite probably never fully recover. It isn't just important that our police, schools & social services connect the dots. It's important that we name this crime and it's perpetrators appropriately & deal with them accordingly.
There needs to be another word for these predatory men, who deliberately set out to target very vulnerable young girls, who are really looking for someone to love them, but aren't old enough or confident enough to discriminate between love & abuse. The word needs to reflect the horror of what is done to these girls & the fact that the men involved are behaving in such a despicable way. I can't immediately think of an appropriate word, but I do think we should try to find one. We need to communicate very graphically what we as individuals & a society think of these crimes, not pussy foot around with this inadequate euphemism.
We are just beginning to appreciate that this would appear to be a crime that is widespread. We probably have no idea of the numbers of girls & men involved. The children involved in this will quite probably never fully recover. It isn't just important that our police, schools & social services connect the dots. It's important that we name this crime and it's perpetrators appropriately & deal with them accordingly.
Sunday 12 May 2013
All the Fun of the Fair - Finding a Focus
The experience of selling & moving house is much like a funfair. There's the terrifying up & down extreme of the Roller Coaster - one minute exhilaration, the next the depths of despair & sometimes a good soaking. The Ferris Wheel lifting you up to the clear view above, followed quickly by coming straight back down to the narrow view of a small piece of the earth. The dark unknown of the Ghost Train tunnel. The quick plunge downwards of the Helter Skelter, when everything is going just too fast. The Dodgems where you try to plan and anticipate the next move & avoid trouble, only to be thwarted by a sneaky body blow from behind. The whole process is Swings & Roundabouts - quite a lot of energy expended, but not much actual movement forward.
So it is really important to try to retain a positive mindset. It is often easier to think of all the negatives - how will I make new friends, a new, enjoyable life? Maybe more importantly, will I find a property that I can really call my home.
Focussing on the negatives inherent in the risk of not only moving house, but moving to a completely different location, isn't going to get me anywhere. Nor is the fact that I love my friends & my life here. I'm well within my comfort zone & I'm chosing to leave it all behind.
I believe what you chose to focus on is really important in every aspect of life. We humans seem to be programmed to focus on the negative more than the positive. We need to chose to focus on the positive for it to stand any chance of happening. We need to be open to new things, a different way of living, rather than just travelling along the same old tracks to the same old stations along the way. That just leads to the ultimate terminus.
It's all a game. What matters is how you play it & the effect you allow it to have on you. So I'm seeing the move as an opportunity. I'm trying to be organised & methodical & accept that there will be times when my comfort zone seems completely out of sight. I'm hardly going to be out on the streets & friendless. I just need to keep my focus.
So it is really important to try to retain a positive mindset. It is often easier to think of all the negatives - how will I make new friends, a new, enjoyable life? Maybe more importantly, will I find a property that I can really call my home.
Focussing on the negatives inherent in the risk of not only moving house, but moving to a completely different location, isn't going to get me anywhere. Nor is the fact that I love my friends & my life here. I'm well within my comfort zone & I'm chosing to leave it all behind.
I believe what you chose to focus on is really important in every aspect of life. We humans seem to be programmed to focus on the negative more than the positive. We need to chose to focus on the positive for it to stand any chance of happening. We need to be open to new things, a different way of living, rather than just travelling along the same old tracks to the same old stations along the way. That just leads to the ultimate terminus.
It's all a game. What matters is how you play it & the effect you allow it to have on you. So I'm seeing the move as an opportunity. I'm trying to be organised & methodical & accept that there will be times when my comfort zone seems completely out of sight. I'm hardly going to be out on the streets & friendless. I just need to keep my focus.
Wednesday 8 May 2013
Disconnected Society in a Connected World
The irony of the recent news story about 3 women abducted by 3 brothers & held captive for a decade in Cleveland is startling. It isn't the first such story & it is likely it won't be the last. There seems to be a regular pattern of similar stories which emerge in the Western world. The two I remember are Elizabeth Fritzl who was kept captive for 24 years by her father & who bore him 7 children & Natascha Kampusch who was abducted aged 10 & held captive for 8 years.
All of the above were held in plain sight in the middle of cities.
How is it that in a world in which we are connected to each other in seconds by mobile phones, tablets & computers these women can be held captive with no one noticing any strange behaviour? Are we too busy with our own hectic lives to spare the time for others? Or is it simply that we do notice, but don't want to become involved?
What is lacking in these men which makes them behave in this way towards women? Even more confusing is the role of complicit women, whether it is wives or mothers.
In technologically developed societies are we losing the ability to interact physically & emotionally with our neighbours? Do we think of our neighbours & our lives outside the home as some sort of reality computer game? If so some people won't score enough to move onto the next level! Are we all becoming inured & moving towards psychologically disfunctional emotional development?
I really hope not & I have experienced both wonderful supportive friendship as well as being left to cope, or not, by people I thought I knew & cared about. I have to believe the good in human beings far outweighs the bad which gets reported. Otherwise what's the point of our existence?
All of the above were held in plain sight in the middle of cities.
How is it that in a world in which we are connected to each other in seconds by mobile phones, tablets & computers these women can be held captive with no one noticing any strange behaviour? Are we too busy with our own hectic lives to spare the time for others? Or is it simply that we do notice, but don't want to become involved?
What is lacking in these men which makes them behave in this way towards women? Even more confusing is the role of complicit women, whether it is wives or mothers.
In technologically developed societies are we losing the ability to interact physically & emotionally with our neighbours? Do we think of our neighbours & our lives outside the home as some sort of reality computer game? If so some people won't score enough to move onto the next level! Are we all becoming inured & moving towards psychologically disfunctional emotional development?
I really hope not & I have experienced both wonderful supportive friendship as well as being left to cope, or not, by people I thought I knew & cared about. I have to believe the good in human beings far outweighs the bad which gets reported. Otherwise what's the point of our existence?
Monday 6 May 2013
Really Moving?
A buyer from last Autumn has come back and I've accepted their offer on my house. Now I vacillate between subdued positivity, (always prepared for things to go pear shaped - I accept the worst case scenario & then understand that it is statistically unlikely to happen), and quiet concern about the enormity at what I'm doing on my own.
I tend to know my own mind & am quite decisive. I couldn't have done my job if I wasn't. This is different. This is a leap into the unknown, leaving behind the life I've created since widowhood & all the local friends who have supported me through the last 4 years. The thought of having to do that all over again is difficult. However I know if I don't bite the bullet it will only get harder as I get older.
As a wife I always had someone permanently available to discuss things with. Someone who had a very different perspective to me & whose opinion I valued. Now, basically, I'm solely responsible for every decision & action, although friends do help by talking through stuff.
It isn't just the decision making. It's the thought of trawling through all my stuff & rigorously giving away everything that doesn't have a purpose for me, or isn't something I enjoy having in my home. A lot of things which were part of my married life will have to go, because I will be downsizing. My daughter advises me to let the removers do all the packing & theoretically that is sensible. But I need to go through everything to select what will go to my downsized life, so I might as well pack some things while I'm doing that. I don't want to be unpacking stuff I won't keep & taking up space in my new home.
The most difficult thing is the fact that Oxford is a completely different house market to rural Gloucestershire. There is very little for sale & a lot of cash buyers. So property sells very quickly - you really don't have the luxury of thinking about it. A property I wanted went to sealed bids on Friday with 6 offers & sold for £40,000 over the asking price. Living with my daughter temporarily doesn't appear to be an option & the thought of moving to rented & then going through the whole thing again when I finally find somewhere is daunting.
So, I just have to be calm & patient & accept that "che sera sera". I can't control any of it. I just have to try to nudge things in the right direction.
I tend to know my own mind & am quite decisive. I couldn't have done my job if I wasn't. This is different. This is a leap into the unknown, leaving behind the life I've created since widowhood & all the local friends who have supported me through the last 4 years. The thought of having to do that all over again is difficult. However I know if I don't bite the bullet it will only get harder as I get older.
As a wife I always had someone permanently available to discuss things with. Someone who had a very different perspective to me & whose opinion I valued. Now, basically, I'm solely responsible for every decision & action, although friends do help by talking through stuff.
It isn't just the decision making. It's the thought of trawling through all my stuff & rigorously giving away everything that doesn't have a purpose for me, or isn't something I enjoy having in my home. A lot of things which were part of my married life will have to go, because I will be downsizing. My daughter advises me to let the removers do all the packing & theoretically that is sensible. But I need to go through everything to select what will go to my downsized life, so I might as well pack some things while I'm doing that. I don't want to be unpacking stuff I won't keep & taking up space in my new home.
The most difficult thing is the fact that Oxford is a completely different house market to rural Gloucestershire. There is very little for sale & a lot of cash buyers. So property sells very quickly - you really don't have the luxury of thinking about it. A property I wanted went to sealed bids on Friday with 6 offers & sold for £40,000 over the asking price. Living with my daughter temporarily doesn't appear to be an option & the thought of moving to rented & then going through the whole thing again when I finally find somewhere is daunting.
So, I just have to be calm & patient & accept that "che sera sera". I can't control any of it. I just have to try to nudge things in the right direction.
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