Space isn't the final frontier, death is. Life is just the antichamber. Our individual lives are rarely very important, but how we live the lives we have is.
Today is the 14th anniversary of the death of my husband David. It would also have been our 57th wedding anniversary. He didn't "pass". I didn't "lose" him. He isn't "resting" in peace or otherwise. He died, very unexpectedly & pointlessly because he was up a ladder which slipped & he fell onto concrete. I knew he wouldn't survive from the minute I found him. But he was helicoptered to hospital & in intensive care for almost 2 weeks before he actually died.
My life continued. There was no option.
One point in writing this is that death is normal. Everyone probably experiences the death of someone close to them. We should all be more open in discussing death & preparing for it. I've just re-written my will & a Letter of Wishes. My executors will have to impliment the will, I hope they will do the same with the letter. I try to be organised & not leave a messy life behind for someone else to sort out. I've done that, David wasn't hot on paperwork. Nor was my father or mother in law. It isn't fun.
The second point is that being widowed doesn't just mean an ending. It is also a beginning. My 14 years of widowhood has given me opportunities I would not have had while married. I have worked for charities in Nepal & Malawi. I have moved house 4 times & renovated my current house. I have made new friends & managed to keep most of my lovely old ones. I have become very political & lobby a lot, often working with charities I support. Finally, I'm living my own life.
For the first time, I am myself. I'm no longer someones child or wife. I am someones parent & grandparent, but they all lead their own busy lives. I make my own choices & decisions, I don't have to compromise with someone else. More & more I try not to do things I don't want to do in order to please someone else. Increasingly I am not prepared to ignore negative or uncalled for comments from others, or poor service or behaviour.
Women are raised to care, to be co-dependent, to please other people, not to put themselves first. Despite Womens Lib, equality & the sexual revolution, that is still the case. It's taken me 78, often very difficult years, to try to break the habit. Oddly, being widowed has helped.
There are downsides. There always are in life. Living alone 24 / 7, especially if you are ill or incapacitated. However there is a difference between being lonely & being solitary. Being responsible for everything that keeps a modern life going. Not having someone to share the good & the bad days. Meals & experiences are more fun if shared....
But on the whole, I think that if you are open to change, you can learn a lot about yourself through experiencing everything life has to offer.
You are such an amazingly positive person and your post must have helped so many people. It should be spread more widely. Sadly I know so many widows or widowers who can only focus on the heartache and pain. Of course that must be huge when you have lived with someone so closely for many years but “finding yourself” is so important for everyone. Not “lost” or “passed” but honest talk like yours and I like “promoted to glory”!!
ReplyDeleteHeartche & pain come with the territory, as you know only too well. It does get less over time, but can re-surface unexpectedly, as it did for me when my grandsons had their 18th birthday. My message is really that we can & do cope. We just need to move forward.
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