Well, encouraged by various friends I had my first session today. It was very interesting, useful and emotional.
It is my experience that people have expectations about how one should deal with grief & trauma. My friends seem to vary between thinking that I have coped amazingly well with all the traumatic events since the beginning of 2009, and feeling that I "haven't dealt properly" with David's death. My counsellor helped me to see that my way is my way and is valid because of that. But she also helped me to see that maybe I have to let people see that I am not this superhuman, competent, woman who can deal with anything life throws at me. I do find it hard - extremely hard at times, and my family & friends need to know that if they are to help me when I need it. Not sure how to do that, but can see that my "front" can stop people from approaching the subject.
She also made me see that it is reasonable to feel angry with David for going up the ladder & effectively ending his life, thus depriving me of 20+ more happy years. Also for leaving the financial stuff in such a mess that it still isn't sorted despite the fact that I have a paid financial advisor now. Dave wasn't perfect by any means. She suggested that I talk to him more often.
A big issue for me was why I seem to have had a big crisis every year. It's remarkably simple. Both times so far have been when I have been doing something lovely, which I know he would have enjoyed, but I have been alone. That is really an important insight.
So I'm going to carry on & am really pleased to have met my counsellor, who I liked enormously & had a lot in common with. It's taken me well over 2 years to get round to it, but the time was right. It's Karma.
Thursday 29 September 2011
Saturday 24 September 2011
Religion.
Going on a Pilgrimage makes you think. Seeing the Catholic churches of Northern Spain confirmed what I have thought about some of the established religions for a long time. I really don't have much time for them on any level.
Firstly, God, if s/he exists, surely doesn't want or need all of the opulence of churches drenched in silver, gold, jewels, exquisite artwork & beautiful adornments for the priesthood. Especially when you know that much of the wealth was stolen from South American indigenous peoples whose lives & culture was destroyed, or tithed from poor ignorant people who knew no better. I can admire the skill of craftsmen who created the artifacts and enjoy their intrinsic beauty. But I abhor the creation of a class of men raised above ordinary people and dressed in finery.
I don't feel the need to have an intermediary between me and God. I really don't see why God wouldn't be able to hear me when I talk to him/her. Similarly I cannot understand why I should need Mary, an apostle or a saint to intercede for me or help God hear what I'm saying. Surely God is omnipotent? It can't be that difficult.
However I do admire people of faith who give up their lives to help others. It's the trappings of power I object to. And that's the problem, it seems to me that much of the Established church was all about wealth, power & fear. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you who had the wealth & power & who was in fear.
I don't have a problem with the beautiful, soaring architecture in which people can come together to worship. I personally don't feel the need to join with others to communicate with God. But I can understand the need of others to do that in a special building that represents something outside the normal run of human life. Man's achievement in creating cathedrals & churches is truly amazing.
I think that if we viewed churches & Cathedrals as museums containing treasures created by man, at a time when the Church held sway and was central to the lives of most people, then it would be a healthier relationship. Todays church needs to find a more relevant way of communicating with people & helping them develop a moral compass & spiritual relationship with the world they live in. So far I don't see too many signs that the church even understands the problem.
Firstly, God, if s/he exists, surely doesn't want or need all of the opulence of churches drenched in silver, gold, jewels, exquisite artwork & beautiful adornments for the priesthood. Especially when you know that much of the wealth was stolen from South American indigenous peoples whose lives & culture was destroyed, or tithed from poor ignorant people who knew no better. I can admire the skill of craftsmen who created the artifacts and enjoy their intrinsic beauty. But I abhor the creation of a class of men raised above ordinary people and dressed in finery.
I don't feel the need to have an intermediary between me and God. I really don't see why God wouldn't be able to hear me when I talk to him/her. Similarly I cannot understand why I should need Mary, an apostle or a saint to intercede for me or help God hear what I'm saying. Surely God is omnipotent? It can't be that difficult.
However I do admire people of faith who give up their lives to help others. It's the trappings of power I object to. And that's the problem, it seems to me that much of the Established church was all about wealth, power & fear. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you who had the wealth & power & who was in fear.
I don't have a problem with the beautiful, soaring architecture in which people can come together to worship. I personally don't feel the need to join with others to communicate with God. But I can understand the need of others to do that in a special building that represents something outside the normal run of human life. Man's achievement in creating cathedrals & churches is truly amazing.
I think that if we viewed churches & Cathedrals as museums containing treasures created by man, at a time when the Church held sway and was central to the lives of most people, then it would be a healthier relationship. Todays church needs to find a more relevant way of communicating with people & helping them develop a moral compass & spiritual relationship with the world they live in. So far I don't see too many signs that the church even understands the problem.
Saturday 17 September 2011
Pilgrimage 2
I've just got back from doing the pilgrimage from Bilbao to Santiago de Compostella in Northern Spain. Before I give the wrong impression, I should clarify that it was done by coach interspersed with walks, & not on foot all the way. I have nothing but admiration for those who do walk or cycle it, but I couldn't do it, so I took the easy way.
It is fascinating because you travel through some of Spain's most diverse & beautiful landscapes. The architecture is "amazing", as our lovely guide Emma said. Although I do have to say that I feel that we "overdosed" on the "more is more" style of Spanish Baroque. Give me the simplicity of Romanesque any time.
The local food is really good, made from fresh ingredients, and varies from area to area with lots of seafood. The wine's not bad either & there was quite a lot of it! The speciality Quiemada drink is a killer.
The people are very helpful & friendly. I found myself people watching a lot, both the locals & the people on the trip with me. My fellow pilgrims were a diverse lot, from those who knew nothing about where they were going to those who, like me, had wanted to do it for years & knew a great deal about the places & history. Chaucer had it about right I think, the sheer diversity of people's motives & character is endlessly interesting and entertaining. Our group got on remarkably well & had a great time. There are always going to be some who will not have their expectations met, but tolerance is all, and if you can't be generous of spirit on a Pilgrimage, when can you?
It is the sort of experience which does promote philosophical thought. About yourself & others & also about life. I thought a lot about David & Pip & left a memorial stone at Cruz de Hierro the Camino's highest point. David would have loved to do this walk, so I did find it all a bit hard.
The journey is internal as well as external & physical. If you are open and aware and "in the moment" I think there are lessons to take away with you. Life is a journey. It isn't the destination that is important. It is how you get there.
I don't believe in most of the tenets of Western established religions. I think they are man, (and I do mean man), made creations. But I do admire people who believe, & what is more important, try to live by the teachings of those beliefs. I do think there is good and evil within us all and I wish I could be as charitable & good as some of the people I have met on the two pilgrimages I have been on. So long as the majority of people aspire to be as good as they can be there is hope for the human race. I do wonder whether we are at a tipping point though & in danger of being overwhelmed by greed, selfishness & lust for posessions & power, and all the other base human traits.
It is fascinating because you travel through some of Spain's most diverse & beautiful landscapes. The architecture is "amazing", as our lovely guide Emma said. Although I do have to say that I feel that we "overdosed" on the "more is more" style of Spanish Baroque. Give me the simplicity of Romanesque any time.
The local food is really good, made from fresh ingredients, and varies from area to area with lots of seafood. The wine's not bad either & there was quite a lot of it! The speciality Quiemada drink is a killer.
The people are very helpful & friendly. I found myself people watching a lot, both the locals & the people on the trip with me. My fellow pilgrims were a diverse lot, from those who knew nothing about where they were going to those who, like me, had wanted to do it for years & knew a great deal about the places & history. Chaucer had it about right I think, the sheer diversity of people's motives & character is endlessly interesting and entertaining. Our group got on remarkably well & had a great time. There are always going to be some who will not have their expectations met, but tolerance is all, and if you can't be generous of spirit on a Pilgrimage, when can you?
It is the sort of experience which does promote philosophical thought. About yourself & others & also about life. I thought a lot about David & Pip & left a memorial stone at Cruz de Hierro the Camino's highest point. David would have loved to do this walk, so I did find it all a bit hard.
The journey is internal as well as external & physical. If you are open and aware and "in the moment" I think there are lessons to take away with you. Life is a journey. It isn't the destination that is important. It is how you get there.
I don't believe in most of the tenets of Western established religions. I think they are man, (and I do mean man), made creations. But I do admire people who believe, & what is more important, try to live by the teachings of those beliefs. I do think there is good and evil within us all and I wish I could be as charitable & good as some of the people I have met on the two pilgrimages I have been on. So long as the majority of people aspire to be as good as they can be there is hope for the human race. I do wonder whether we are at a tipping point though & in danger of being overwhelmed by greed, selfishness & lust for posessions & power, and all the other base human traits.
Wednesday 7 September 2011
Pilgrimage
Off to northern Spain today to do the French route of the Pilgrims Way to Santiago de Compostela. Travelling with Mc Cabes pilgrimages who I did the trip to the Holy Land with last year. The leaders will be Geoff & Chris Crago again, but a completely different group. If it's as interesting as the Holy land I shall enjoy it. Coach from Cirencester & leaving from Heathrow & landing in Bilbao. Nice weather in Spain.
Monday 5 September 2011
Getting a Life
As I've travelled this journey of my life after Dave's death I have learned things. About myself & about other people. One thing I do believe is that I have to be outgoing & open to opportunity. I have to say "yes" rather than the instinctive, knee jerk, "no". I have to accept that life is changeable from moment to moment & impermanence is the norm.
So in this spirit I have now sent off the application to volunteer with childrens charitites for a month in either Kathmandu or Port Elizabeth, (South Africa). It means a month away from my comfort zone - home, friends, my micro family. It means a challenge that I don't know whether I'm up to. It means a different culture, unknown people, a completely different way of life with people who are in no way as fortunate as I am. That is if I am accepted of course!
I have also been to two taster sessions with local choirs. The glitzy "Rock Choir" & the simpler "Stroud Song". The latter is my choice, & when I get back from my forthcoming pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela I will go weekly. Friends have told me that I need to do more "fun" things - I don't "do" fun. I'm a Calvanist, work ethic sort of a person. But it is a great pleasure to sing, especially with other people, in harmony.
So, hopefully, the two warring sides of my character - the serious, task oriented one & the free spirit which has been subdued will be more balanced in future. Who knows, the free spirit might get the upper hand. That would be a bonus.
So in this spirit I have now sent off the application to volunteer with childrens charitites for a month in either Kathmandu or Port Elizabeth, (South Africa). It means a month away from my comfort zone - home, friends, my micro family. It means a challenge that I don't know whether I'm up to. It means a different culture, unknown people, a completely different way of life with people who are in no way as fortunate as I am. That is if I am accepted of course!
I have also been to two taster sessions with local choirs. The glitzy "Rock Choir" & the simpler "Stroud Song". The latter is my choice, & when I get back from my forthcoming pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela I will go weekly. Friends have told me that I need to do more "fun" things - I don't "do" fun. I'm a Calvanist, work ethic sort of a person. But it is a great pleasure to sing, especially with other people, in harmony.
So, hopefully, the two warring sides of my character - the serious, task oriented one & the free spirit which has been subdued will be more balanced in future. Who knows, the free spirit might get the upper hand. That would be a bonus.
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