Losing my Mind

I once started to write a novel set in a school, (for obvious reasons). It came to nothing. But I remember the opening line - "Here I sit, losing my mind & minding my loss". While I loved teaching, being the head of a very large primary school, 450 children, was stressful. I didn't lose my mind though.

Now, although I don't feel I am losing my mind, I do feel less confident in my memory. I, who was really well organised, who felt on top of a professional job, running a family & home, plus organising holidays & a social life. 

Ageing does that to you. Bits of you wear out. I sometimes think about the amount of data stored in my brain over a period of 81 years. No wonder retrieval is tricky. Then there is the small miracle of a heart beating consistently for all that time - Aided now by a pacemaker & a daily handful of drugs. Not to mention all the other organs in a body. It is a miracle & we shouldn't take it for granted. Especially as life expectancy in the UK has increased by 10 -15 years since I was born.

But we do. We think living is our right. We think we are individually important. We think we will all live to old age. But we are grains of sand on an infinite beach. We are part of a whole, but of little consequence individually. We can all contribute something to the community or society we live in. We are all special in some way, we all have something we are good at. We just need to use what we have been given.

Knowledge is gained cumulatively through endevour & experience. There has to be effort & openness to learn. We are born with huge brain capacity. The popular idea that humans only use 10% of their brain is a myth; we actually use 100% of our brains. Brain imaging technology, such as fMRI and PET scans, show that almost every part of the brain is active over a 24-hour period, even while sleeping. 

 

Age related memory loss is frustrating. But forgetting what you were going to do, someone's name, an appointment, where something is, none of that is as serious as dementia. It is normal. I'm not losing my mind, I'm just misplacing the data temporarily, it usually comes back. If I'm doing a general knowledge crossword I can usually see an image of the answer, but not remember the word. I have a very visual memory. 

It's a case of "use it or lose it". Exercise increases the blood flow to the brain, socialising keeps the mind sharp, doing puzzles, reading & learning new skills & a good diet - all are important for the brain. If you don't want to lose your mind you have to actively stimulate it.

But you also have to give your brain a rest. So I do wonder whether our addiction to the constant stimulation of mobile phones & computers is a good thing. I was on a bus yesterday. Two pram pushing mothers got on. They spent the whole journey scrolling on their phones, not looking at their children. Only one mother spoke to her child - to say "no". Around 37% of children joining Reception in 2025 in the UK were not considered "school ready," an increase from 33% in 2024. I'm not surprised. 

  

 

Bombarded

Occasionally I feel bombarded, usually by my "to do" list, which never seems to get shorter. Sometimes I feel bombarded by emails, but I delete a lot of them. When I am researching for a blog post there are times when I feel bombarded with information & have to spend a lot of time sifting the "wheat from the chaff". There is a lot of chaff!

But I am not being bombarded by bombs & missiles. It is beyond my capacity to imagine what that feels like. The thought of the harm done to children mentally & physically makes me feel sick. To be in a perpetual state of fear, knowing that each minute might be your last is beyond comprehension. 

The sheer number of drone attacks & missiles that aggressors are able to fire is frightening. Russia launched 288 missiles at Ukraine in February 2026, the highest monthly total since the beginning of 2023. In addition to the missiles, Russia deployed 5,059 long-range drones against Ukraine. As of May 2025, Israel had dropped approximately 100,000 tons of explosives on the Gaza Strip since the start of its military campaign on October 2023. The amount of explosives dropped on Gaza now far exceeds the combined bomb tonnage dropped on Dresden, Hamburg, and London during World War II.

Yet governments do not publish accurate, comprehensive, information about the costs of war. They do not say how many soldiers, non combatants, children are killed or injured. They do not publish the financial cost of the armaments & machinery of war, which must be astronomical. They do not publish the cost of clearing the devastation caused by the bombardment, or the cost of rebuilding the infrastructure & property. Long-term expenses like veteran care, interest on debt, or indirect economic losses are omitted, frequently hiding true costs from the public.

The Stockholm International Peace Research Institute tracks official budgets whose total expenditures often far exceed published figures. https://www.sipri.org/

But don't we have a right to know? War is paid for out of our taxes. There isn't a "War Fairy" or a "War Money Tree". We work and Income Tax is deducted from our wages. We pay National Insurance Tax. We buy things & pay Value Added Tax. We die & if we are lucky enough to have enough savings we pay Inheritance Tax. 

 

We have a democracy of sorts, it's better than none. We vote politicians in to make informed decisions on our behalf. (I use the term loosely, because I don't see a lot of evidence that is true). But we don't require them to give us enough information after the decisions have been made as to whether they were justifiable & right. We certainly don''t require them to give a full report on all the costs of taking us to war.

I'm not saying that war is wrong or unecessary per se. I do question how the vast amouts of money any war costs are found, when our infrastructure & systems have been failing for years through lack of funding. There are only a few ways the money is found, borrowing, quantitative easing, selling public assets or privatizing state-owned enterprises, (but we've already done that) & lotteries. 

Perhaps if the true costs of war had to be published, politicians would think twice. Especially if they had to face the consequences of their choices. Unfortunately they don't.

War & Peace

Over 130 armed conflicts are raging today, twice as many as 15 years ago. The highest profile ones are Israel v Gaza & the West Bank - over 72,000–75,000+ Palestinians have been reported killed, with thousands more missing under rubble - Russia v Ukraine - estimated fatalities have surpassed 1.5 million to 2 million  - Israel & USA v Iran - it's too early to calculate fatalities. Sudan & Mayanmar have also resulted in tens of thousands of fatalities.

https://warwatch.ch/explore/

https://www.statista.com/topics/13125/conflicts-worldwide-2025/?srsltid=AfmBOoqGENJY6txRcS5H7dfrEmQb-h81JfRE0O_TMpPwNx5gxmjh0E2z#topFacts 

"Lord of the Flies" by William Golding shows how close to the surface agression is in the male psyche. The current BBC drama is timely if it makes us think & try to stop this. Given the right circumstances we all have the potential to become feral. But fortunately some can resist.

War is catastrophic in every sense. It is a waste of human life & potential. A waste of resources. A waste of money. A waste of time. War causes displacement & huge population migrations. Non combatants flee, who can blame them? There is nothing good about war apart from the profits it generates for the arms industry & for the companies who go in after to reconstruct the devastated systems & cities. There is money in war. A lot of money. It is highly lucrative for a select group, specifically defense contractors, arms manufacturers, and certain private entities within the military-industrial complex. Profits are driven by government demand, not market forces, with companies often benefiting regardless of the conflict's outcome. It is rarely profitable for the nations as a whole, causing immense debt, destruction, and long-term economic damage. 

Why do we go to war when all the evidence is that it doesn't work & simply causes death, injury & devastation? Countries go to war to defend themselves, to increase their territory, power & security, resources & wealth, sometimes because of religion or to change the demographics of their country. Basically people fight when disagreements cannot be resolved peacefully. 

War is abject failure - Failure to negotiate & solve problems. If only the people who make the decisions could see that. War is not heroic, although some people do heroic things. I fail to see how the sort of death, injury & destruction we are seeing today can be anything other than failure. How have we reached a point where we can justify this modern warfare of drones & missiles, largely fought by people with computers at a distance? If you don't actually see the person you are killing & feel the impact of taking a human life face to face do you really take responsibility or feel the pain of what you have done? 

We have distanced ourselves from reality. We watch on a screen, on our TV's, computers & mobiles, like a computer game. We can switch it of at will. We do not have to face up to it. The people in charge certainly don't.  

 

Seeing the Whole Picture

To some extent we all have "tunnel vision". Not as in eyesight, but as in being completely absorbed in ourselves, those closest to us, or achieving a particular aim and not noticing or considering the different aspects or effects of what we are doing. Depending on the circumstances, it can be a good or bad trait.

Now I am old, when I walk I look down at the pavement because I have had several bad falls. I want to ensure that I don't trip up. The result of that is that I don't see what is around me & I have become stooped. Literally tunnel vision.

When I think back over the decades I can see that there have been micro & macro decisions that I have made, or other people have made for me, that have had unforseen consequences. In order to see the whole picture, you have to take into account what has gone before & also speculate on the possible outcomes of what you propose to do or not do. Once you have identified all available information you have to select the best way of going forward. It isn't always easy. You need evidence & possibly advice from other sources.

That is true for me in my life & also in the grander scheme of things - the bigger picture of the world I live in. But we humans are very bad at doing this. We make choices that are expedient at the time. We make choices in our own self interest & try to avoid choices that might adversely affect us. We are often driven by fear & ambition. We are more comfortable with the status quo & we don't like change. We don't want to move out of our "comfort zone". 

Individually this is sometimes difficult to deal with. A small individual mistake can have big consequences on events or people. Politically, internationally & at a country level, making the right decisions is seriously important. Hindsight is wonderful, but "pointing the finger" really doesn't get anyone anywhere. History teaches, but we are often blind to the lessons. Everyday seems to be "groundhog day" & everyone seems to "re-invent the same wheel". 

So we are stuck in a mess of our own making. Not just the politicians, but each of us individually, because we do have a democracy of sorts. We, the electorate, are, at the moment, able to speak freely & protest. In the case of privatisation for example we can see that it has failed us. The statistics show that a majority want our vital services in public hands. 

 

We just need to make our politicians see that they need to follow the "will of the people".  But you the people need to use your powers & vote. Turnout at the 2024 general election was 59.7%, which was the lowest at a general election since 2001. If you don't participate, you can't complain! And you certainly won't change anything. 

Electric Vehicles & the Weather

I drove from Oxford to Minchinhampton & back a week ago. I thought I knew how bad our roads are living in Oxford, but I was wrong. My journey took me along the A40 & then cross country to Cirencester via the A4425.

I was shocked at the state of the roads, whether A or B roads. We are all used to potholes now, but it was the frequency and the size - Both the depth, width & position of the holes. If they are at the side of the road & there is oncoming traffic you can't swerve out to avoid them. They must be lethal for cyclists. Similarly if they are in the middle of the road, where do you go? The damage being done to cars & the possibility of causing accidents must be high. 

 

Patching is obviously not the answer. All that does is to move the problem down the road, (sorry about the pun), because it is always a temporary solution. The cost & disruption caused by necessary proper maintenance required is obviously much higher. But why has this happened?

It must be a combination of 3 things, increasing volume of traffic, heavier vehicles & climate change e.g. rainfall. I can remember when my father was the first person in our street to get a car & everyone used public transport. We had trams in Birmingham. 

Now many families have more than one car, roughly a third. 78% of families have access to one or more cars. Add to that the increasing weight of cars. The average weight of new cars in the UK has risen by 400kg in 7 years due to SUV's & heavy batteries in electric vehicles. (Why & when did we move from estate cars to SUV's for extra space? Oh yes, like so much else, we copied America). Then multiply that by the huge weight of increasing goods vehicles & public transport. Climate change has meant that we have more frequent extremes of weather, named storms with much heavier rainfall & stronger winds, longer periods of high heat & drought. The only thing that doesn't seem to have increased is frost & extreme cold. But that too adds to the damage. 

It's a perfect storm, (again sorry about the pun), of circumstance added to years of lack of maintenance under the last conservative government. Between 2017 - 2023 council road resurfacing on A roads fell by 37%. The backlog of maintenance funding reached £16.3 billion in England & Wales. The focus was on reactive patching rather than long term preventative resurfacing that is much less cost effective. Austerity has put us where we are in so many areas. Local authority spending was cut by 25% betwween 2011 - 2020 for supposedly "non essential" spending.

The chickens have come home to roost. Bad short term decision making has resulted in huge problems in all of our infrastructure & services. That is the inheritance the labour government  has to deal with. Add to that the fact that the public allowed it all to happen. We could see what was happening & we didn't do enough to hold politicians accountable. 

The right to protest, the right to accurate information & effective oversight, the right to hold decision makers accountable & face legislation & justice must not be eroded. We are in a mess & getting out of it is our responsibility. We will have to pay, one way or another. Inaction is not an option.  

Diagnosis & Fear

Humans have the capacity to communicate through spoken language. We also give clues as to how we feel through facial expression & body language. We are unique. We also have the brain capacity to be able to think & understand all of these & more.

What has that to do with Diagnosis? 

I am beginning to think that our need to have a name, a diagnosis of a medical condition, might occasionally not be advantageous. I wonder if it is too simplistic. Obviously if you have a cancer it is important to know what type & hopefully get it early when it is treatable. That must be true of many conditions. In order to treat successfully medics need to know what they are dealing with.

I think I am concerned more about "neurodivergence" & "mental health" issues. I do wonder if we are given a label we live up to that label. If I have a physical diagnosis there is usually strong scientific evidence & symptoms for that diagnosis. Hopefully if the diagnosis is correct the treatment will help, if not cure. 

Empiric evidence - which is based on experience, without precise knowledge of the cause or nature of the disorder is less reliable & is dependent on the skill & experience of the practitioner. We have devised question & answer tests for neurodivergence, but is that reliable? Divergence & difference is actually normal.

I think my point is that human beings are incredibly complex systems which include physiology & psychology. What we are at birth, our genes, can be modified by experiences - Nature & Nurture. The thing that troubles me today is that we have become very risk averse. Parents are more afraid for their children than in my childhood. Children don't have the freedom & life experience that I did & actually my daughter did too. 

We have also become more culturally afraid. I actually think that the public is being kept in a state of permanenet fear by politics worldwide. We are afraid of the international situation, (wars, rogue leaders...), climate change, food, water & energy security, privatised services not working, the list is endless. We are made to feel powerless. Cynically I believe that this is deliberate at some level, so that the powerful can retain that power by convincing us we need them to solve everyhting. 

All of this is perpetuated by the press & media that constantly bombarding us with the current news reason to be afraid. There is endless diagnosis of whatever that is, with "experts" being hauled in to give their views, which are mostly pure speculation. It might happen, but the chances are it won't. How much postitive news do we hear?

I do think my parents generation & my generation were more resiliant. Shit happens, we understood that & we got on with it. We didn't expect or get a diagnosis or a label to put on it. We knew we just had to deal with it. 

 

  

 

Unintended Consequences

My house was completely re-designed, gutted & refurbished. I am delighted with it. I had an expensive quartz worktop installed in the kitchen. In order to protect it I put a clear plastic tray where I stack the dirty dishes. Over time I discovered a discolouration in the quartz underneath. Not a spillage or stain, something within the very light coloured quartz. Uncleanable. Apparently it's due to UV light from the south facing window. A known issue, but not on the website of the company supplying the quartz & not known to me. A completely unintended consequence. Very annoying.

Yesterday, driving home, I listened to "Toxic" on Radio 4. All about "forever chemicals" like PFAS. These have been man made since the 1940's and are grease, water & heat resistant. Really useful, we all thought. Widely used & present in almost everything - non-stick pans, waterproof clothing, food packaging, cosmetics, the list is endless. Also prevalent now in drinking water, the environment & us. They are extremely persistent & bioaccumulate. Unfortunately they are also linked to serious health risks - cancer, immune system disruption, fertility & developmental issues. Who knew that something so useful could be so dangerous? 

There have been three types over the years - PFOA, PFOS & the latest PFAS. There are over 10,000 different types. They all persist in the environment & our bodies for decades. We have only just woken up to the harm of these forever chemicals & governments are finally going to monitor their presence & do something about their use. It's a bit late though. They are already literally everywhere.

What long term effect will the presence of these chemicals have on both the environment & us? How long have people been aware of the dangers posed to everything? Did manufacturers of these chemicals do enough research into side effects? Or were they simply focussed on their profitability? Did they hide the issues, as has happened so many times before? For example as the petrochemical industry & the drug industry did?

Our fixation with growth & profitability. Our fixation with making life easier because we are so busy & are so time poor. Our heedless march into the future & the unknown. Our lack of interrogation of the possibilities, good & bad, attached to change. Our lack of money & incentive to research & do due diligence. All of these are coming home to roost.

It's a perfect storm leading to disastrous unintended consequences. We need to stop & really think.