Internet & Social Media

I use a lot of technology in my life. I have a smart phone, an iPad, a laptop & a desktop. I also have 2 Alexa Echo Shows, (one in the kitchen & one in my bedroom) & a Ring doorbell. In fact my life is on my technology. I would probably miss appointments & forget where I was meant to be without it. I would forget things I need to do. My short term memory is fading into the morass of data in my brain.

So I am a fan. I play solitaire & mah jong on my iPad to keep my brain working. I communicate through my Blog. (It's less weird than talking to myself). I use Alexa to listen to radio & to time my cooking. She is linked to my calendar & prompts me about appointments. I WhatsApp, use Facebook & Twitter. I email & I research online. AI is a boon as long as you realise it's limitations. I have a "to do" list on my phone & other files with information.

I have never been on the Dark Web, looked at pornography or dubious websites as far as I know. If I am researching I do spend a lot of time going from link to link, but I only use verifiable websites. I don't feel the need for a VPN. 

My point is that the internet & social media is a tool that I think I use sensibly. I can differentiate between evidence based content & drivel. I can recognise dubious conspiracy theories & AI generated rubbish. But I am an adult who has used computers for decades. I am not naive. I am not a child, a teenager or vulnerable. My brain is fully developed & backed up by years of experience of the world.

Crucially, I am hopefully not addicted. My phone is turned off overnight & dormant for long periods during the day. It isn't always in my hand or pocket. I do not feel compelled to constantly scroll & check. My phone knows it's place in my life. I know where the off switch is on all my hardware. 

I don't feel that is true of so many people today. Not just children & teenagers. A day does not go past without I see people walking, looking at their phones instead of where they are going. I even see people looking at their phones riding a bike. People look at phones in social situations. People have private conversations publicly on buses & trains - loudly. We seem to have accepted that the mobile phone should take precedence over everything else in our lives. People are addicted & get withdrawal symptoms if they can't use their phones. It's sad.

So why should our children be any different when adults are such bad role models? We have not only allowed our children to become addicted to mobile phones & social media, we have actively encouraged them to do that by example. We opened the Pandora's Box. Yes, the Tech Bro's are responsible for the platforms with all their failings. But we allowed them to do it. 

So we are now having to try to navigate away from the undoubted harms we created. The UK is going to block social media for under 16's. I will watch with interest how that goes. The words horse, stable door & bolted, spring to mind. Parents need to be parents. But that has now become far more difficult in the age of technology.

 

 

Manners & Respect

Socially accepted codes of conduct & polite behaviour, showing respect for others feelings & comfort. A framework for societal interaction which varies according to culture. Differences in norms can create misunderstandings & problems.

 

Do they matter? Well, yes. They demonstrate you care about others & aren't completely self centred. People are more comfortable in social situations if behaviours are predictable. Hopefully there is less friction & misunderstandings.

The language you use is important - please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry.... Listening & not interrupting. Respecting boundaries & personal space. Hygiene, (I was very irritated by someone who had a nasty chest infection, continually coughing without covering her mouth. We were a group in a small room.) ....

I think manners are closely linked with respect. Sadly, my impression is that both have diminished over my lifetime. Little things, like if I'm driving & I give way to someone & they don't raise a hand to say thank you, annoy me. Young / healthy people sitting in the priority bus seats for the elderly, disabled or pregnant are infuriating. People sitting on the aisle seat with an empty window seat & not moving when the bus is full. Being buzzed by cyclists / scooters when I'm struggling to walk on the pavement. Similarly groups of children / teenagers walking side by side & occupying the whole width of the pavement so I have to step into the gutter or very edge of the pavement. I could go on, but it is all commonplace. It is the norm & it shouldn't be. 

Lack of manners & respect seems to be cross generational, it isn't just the young. It also seems to be across genders & ethnicity. Different cultures have different norms of behaviour. Living in a culture different to your own can be tricky to navigate, but I would argue that it is your responsibility to adjust.

We learn social behaviours from our parents, family & friends. The UK is still a class based society dependent on wealth or lack of it, so upbringing varies hugely. The problem now would appear to be that there are divisions & differences in what is acceptable which is causing social unrest. 

We need to tackle the root of this. We need a more equitable society. 

 

Uniform

When I went to Grammar school at age 11 in 1956 my parents had to buy me a whole new set of clothes & shoes - Startright shoes, very expensive. Velour winter hat & summer one too, gym kit, even navy blue knickers! Summer & winter uniform, including a blazer, only available from one shop in Birmingham. It was an expense that I now realise they could not afford. Up till that point my mother had made most of my clothes. 

In theory school uniform is good because it levels the social playing field, reduces peer pressure & limits fashion related issues. It also possibly promotes school unity. Arguments against include suppressing individuality, creating financial burdens & the clothing being uncomfortable or restrictive. I have fluctuated in my opinion over time as a teacher & headteacher. I actually hated wearing my uniform at grammar school, especially the hat. When I was a head teacher I was against uniformity & in favour of individuality. Now I think that the availability of cheaper supermarket clothes & flexibility of which items children wear or don't wear is a good compromise. There is more choice. 

 

We humans seem to like uniforms & uniformity. The armed forces are immensely proud of theirs. Healthcare workers, emergency responders, the police, transport staff, sportspeople, construction workers, ....Even trades like painters & decorators. It does make sense in many ways. These people are immediately recognisable. Their uniforms are often protective. They don't have to risk damaging their own clothes & replace them. 

But people are not uniform. We are all individuals with commonalities & different traits & beliefs. The concerning thing today seems to be the tribalism that is widespread. Left wing, right wing, extremists, religious beliefs, conspiracy theorists, feminists, misogynists, racists, ..... We humans are social, we want to belong, we like to be in a group. We don't want to be outsiders. We dislike being ostracised. Isolation & loneliness are common societal problems in all age groups. Sometimes that can lead to "groupthink" - a psychological phenomenon where the desire for harmony or conformity within a group results in irrational or dysfunctional decision making. 

Why? Maybe we are too afraid of difference. Maybe we are not confident enough in our own opinions. Maybe we just want to be whatever "normal" is. But being critical, dissenting, is not wrong. There is definitely pressure to conform, but that is not good. We all need to listen to differing opinions, look for evidence one way or another & then make up our minds. 

We all need to be able to speak out & take action. 

 

Stimulus, Action & Reaction

A stimulus is a detectable change. Action is the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition. A reaction is any action, feeling or behaviour that occurs as a response to a specific stimulus, event or situation. The term spans multiple disciplines, covering psychological responses, physical symptoms, and scientific interactions. 

I find myself wondering why, for so many people, the action / reaction is often abuse. Both verbal & physical. Currently there is the news about the rioting resulting from the police handling of the murder of a 19 year old student Henry Nowak by a Sikh, Vikram Digwa. Also the Jewish concerns about racism in the NHS. 

In both cases surely the first reaction should be concern at what happened. Then, shouldn't we all want to know the actual facts of the case before we weigh in with our reactions? Shouldn't we be well aware of how both of these things are politically charged & subject to misinformation & conspiracy theories. Shouldn't we turn to verifiable sources for information rather than the hotbed of social media & trolls?

What is it that makes people so quick to anger & turn to physical violence & verbal abuse? How, in a so called democratic & civilised society, does that become expected as the norm? Surely we all know what is acceptable behaviour & what is not? We know what is criminal. How has mob rule become such a frequent reaction?

Apparently this behaviour is driven by a complex interplay of biological dispositions, social conditioning, cognitive biases & situational triggers. These behaviours feed off the roots of frustration, power imbalance & the erosion of individual accountability. Individuals or groups feel marginalised, deprived, or threatened & aggression can become a mechanism to regain control or assert power. Impulsive aggression is linked to neurobiological elements (e.g. serotonin imbalances) and psychological factors like a lack of empathy or unresolved childhood trauma. People who witness domestic violence, bullying, or systemic discrimination growing up are significantly more likely to normalise and replicate these behaviours.

Recent research looked into single mother households in the UK. 9 in 10 of single parent households are headed by a mother, which is approximately 84 - 89% of single parents. An estimated 2.5 - 2.7 million children do not have a father figure or male role model. Single mothers do an amazing & difficult job on the whole. But children do need good male & female role models to learn how to be adults. Both girls & boys need a consistent, good, male influence, which doesn't necessarily have to be a biological father. 

https://genuinefutures.co.uk/news-resources/britain-is-facing-an-epidemic-of-fatherlessness-and-the-cost-is-being-paid-by-our-children

 

However, many people who have experienced these factors manage to become adults who do not exhibit this anti social behaviour. There must be something else in play. Whatever the causes, the behaviour is completely unacceptable & is very destructive. Innocent people are caught up in the violence & abuse. 

We must find a way to channel parental & educational influences to counteract this. We must accentuate good role models. We adults must lead by example & be prepared to call out unacceptable behaviour. 

We must not pass by on the other side.  

Violence & Abuse.

I am quite ashamed to say that I smacked my daughter when she was little. I also smacked children when I was a teacher. There is no defence. Not even that it was" normal" at the time, (it was the 60's). I had been hit as a child & a teenager. Naughtiness does not warrant physical punishment. What child isn't naughty?

Thank goodness we know better now. Any physical violence against anyone is unacceptable. So if we know better, why are we such a violent society & world? Why are some people unable to control their emotions to the point that they will hurt & injure others? Even kill?

There are 3 main types of violence. Physical violence occurs when someone uses their body or an object to control a person's actions. Sexual violence occurs when a person is forced to unwillingly take part in sexual activity. Emotional violence occurs when someone says or does something to make a person feel stupid or worthless. The Council of Europe Istanbul Convention lists 10 types of violence.

https://www.coe.int/en/web/gender-matters/types-of-gender-based-violence

Statistics for violence against women are deeply concerning. In 2025 an estimated 840 million women, almost 1 in 3 have been subject to violence according to https://www.unwomen.org/en/articles/facts-and-figures/facts-and-figures-ending-violence-against-women  In 2024, around 50,000 women and girls worldwide were killed by their intimate partners or other family members. It is shocking.

Then there is war.  

According to the latest VIEWS (Violence & Impacts Early Warning System) forecast for state-based armed conflict, the estimated number of battle-deaths in 2026 is: 

• Ukraine: 28,300
• Palestine/Israel: 7,700
• Sudan: 4,300
• Pakistan: 2,000
• Nigeria: 1,900
• Ethiopia: 1,800
• Somalia: 1,700
• Syria: 1,400
• Yemen: 1,300
• Burkina Faso: 1,200

Global conflict data for 2025 / 26 indicates that tens of thousands of civilians & combatants have been injured across multiple major ongoing wars. Because of the chaos of war, exact comprehensive global figures are impossible to compile, but specific conflict zone reports give a clear sense of the scale.

It is difficult to avoid the conclusion that we humans are becoming more violent & uncontrolled. According to international statistics men are responsible for 85 - 90 % of violent crime. In the UK for attempted murders, serious assaults, and robberies, women makeup only a small fraction (often under 10%) of arrests for these specific offences.

We need to ask why some men are so violent. It's a complex interplay of biological factors, socialisation, and gender norms. It is important to understand that while men are statistically the primary perpetrators of violent crime, the vast majority of men are not violent.

• Testosterone promotes dominant & status seeking behaviours.
• The pre frontal cortex, which regulates impulse control, develops differently. Sometimes predisposing boys to be more physically reactive to stress.
• Boys may be socialised to traditional masculine ideas of toughness & dominance.
• Boys may be socialised to suppress emotions. 

Whatever the causes, routine violence seems to me to have increased over my lifetime. Almost to the point that we accept it as the norm. It isn't normal. It isn't acceptable & we should be doing more to stop it.

 

 

 

"Dear England", Tolerance, Machismo & the Internet

Over the years I think I have changed a little. I think I have become more measured & tolerant. This may well be a complete delusion, but I hope not. If ageing brings anything, surely it should be experience & understanding leading to tolerance.

Watching the BBC drama doc "Dear England" made me think a lot about masculinity as well as football. I have to admit football is a closed book to me. But I do understand the concept of team playing. I also admire the dedication & skill of any elite sportsman. But I was made to think about the pressures on everyone involved in elite sport. It is so easy to dismiss footballers as overpaid, entitled & full of machismo & self absorption.

This well acted drama made me think again. 

In a way it is a commentary on maleness. It highlights the weight of expectation on not just athletes & teams, but on the whole infrastructure around them. That in turn makes you think about what it is like to grow up as a boy in today's society. I would never have contemplated the lifelong trauma of missing a penalty & losing a game without watching "Dear England". I hope I intellectually understand the sheer destructiveness of racism. But this drama brought home it's cruelty & mindlessness - It's bullying. 

The lessons this production teaches are not just related to one sport. We see the vulnerability & emotional reticence of being a boy or man in 21st century England. Where does this begin?  Well it seems obvious to me it begins in the home. It begins with parenting. It begins with the role models of parents & family. It is definitely related to what we all expect a boy or a man to be.

 

A football pitch is a huge space, as is the world we live in. Finding your place in it can be very difficult. 

We think we have become more tolerant & understanding & Southgate, who was England manager from 2016 - 2024, certainly shows us a different way to be masculine. But somewhere along the way we have gone wrong. It isn't a new thing. Why is there still such a difference in the way that girls & boys are parented? 

The average age of first exposure to pornography for boys today is between 10 and 13. Roughly 50% of boys are in that statistic. What does that show about how those boys have been brought up? Pornography normalises unrealistic sexual expectations, distorts views on consent, and impacts adolescent brain development and impulse control. By age 16, approximately 70% of boys watch porn multiple times per week, resulting in higher rates of emotional disturbance, anxiety, and problematic sexualised behaviours.

The reason for that previous paragraph is children's easy access to the internet & social media. Laptops, iPads & mobile phones put unacceptable content right into the hands of children. The tech billionairs are so driven by profit that they do not face up to the fact that they destroy lives by not adequately policing what children can access. 

So we as adults, parents & politicians must force them to take responsibility for the harms. But we must take a measure of responsibility too. We have allowed this to happen.   

Difficult Conversations

The dilemma of how to say something to others, when you know that it may, at best, be taken the wrong way & at worst cause confrontation, argument & hurt, is difficult to handle. The judgement call is a fine line. Should you say anything at all? Should you just "bite your lip" & pretend the problem doesn't exist? Should you be true to yourself & face up to the issue?

I don't think there is a straightforward answer. There are so many variables - the personalities involved, the importance of the issue, the circumstances surrounding it....My gut feeling is always to bring things out into the open & discuss them. But I know that is a touch selfish, because I am not good at going along with something I don't agree with for a quiet life. The issue nags away at me. It may keep me awake at night. I go over conversations in my head. Especially when it involves people I love or like a lot. 

But life is not straightforward. Life is a bumpy ride. We all need to learn how to deal with problems, arguments & confrontation. We all need to be true to our own sense of right or wrong - of fairness. We also need to learn how to broach issues in a tactful & sympathetic way, trying to be rational & keep emotion at bay. In order to do it well we need to listen as much or more than speak. We need empathy & understanding. There are far more grey areas than black & white ones. 

We also need to be able to apologise if we are wrong or accept apology if the other person is. We need to be able to forgive. As Alexander Pope said "To err is human, to forgive divine". 

The thing that concerns me about politics today is that politicians don't seem to be able, or allowed, to "Speak truth unto Power". This means courageously challenging authority, calling out injustice, or sharing critical feedback without fear of retaliation. It originates from a 1955 civil rights and pacifist pamphlet by the American Friends Service Committee. Which is ironic when it seems that few people are speaking truth to the president of the United States who is becoming more & more unpredictable, volatile & downright unhinged in his utterings & behaviour.

My current dilemma is to withdraw from doing something that isn't working for me, without giving offence. Sometimes you do just have to do what is best for you regardless of how others will interpret it. That isn't self centred, it's being pragmatic & having integrity. But that doesn't stop it being difficult.