Time

"Time & tide wait for no man" is a proverb dating back to at least 1225. There are numerous sayings about time.

 

We live our lives at such a pace that we now talk about being "time poor". We have allowed ourselves to become overly busy in the "developed world". We seem to have lost balance in our lives, lost the capacity for peace, introspection, doing nothing. We are teaching our children to be seekers after instant gratification, to need constant stimulation & have very short attention spans. We have even given it a name & made it into a medical disorder - ADHD. The symptoms appear before age 12 & are inattention, hyperactivity & impulsivity that interfere with daily functioning. It can continue into adulthood. Many experts agree that society has medicalised normal human emotions & behaviours turning everyday stress, grief, and shyness into clinical conditions. For example labelling natural grief as major depression, treating normal childhood high energy as ADHD, and turning daily work stress into generalized anxiety.

When you age you notice the passage of time more I think. You seem to travel onwards to the final stop ever faster. Days, weeks & months pass in a blur of speed. Seasons & years too. Oddly, at the same time many of us elderly people become much slower, both physically & mentally. We are like grandfather clocks winding down. But there is no key to wind us up again. We have the time to think even if we don't have the energy to do & we have a lifetime of experience.

To many, that experience is irrelevant, out of date. However we have the benefit of seeing the patterns. Over time things repeat, not just history. Fashion for example. I've just bought some linen culottes. They were in fashion in the 60's - 70's & the 90's. We know when our world is going down a path it has gone down before. We often know what is at the end of that path. 

Sadly, we are so irrelevant we are no longer listened to. As Dickens said in "The old Curiosity Shop" "Twas ever thus". We are all living in "Groundhog Day" but the dangers are increasing & we aren't adapting well. 

 

Little Pleasures

Ageing means changing, adapting & accepting. Both mind & body change, which affects what you can & can't do. There are two ways of dealing with this, you can accept & modify, or you can refuse & fight it. Accepting & modifying does not mean giving in & becoming isolated, insular & self absorbed. It means knowing the things you cannot change or do and finding "work arounds". It is important not to just lay down & give in, but you do need determination to continue to live a good life, whatever the challenges. 

Several previous pleasures are no longer open to me because of pain, stiffness, fatigue & breathlessness. Hill walking is a long lost pleasure. Pacing is important because stamina is non existant. Gardening & housework are difficult & some things are even impossible. Showering & dressing is a challenge, either my arms are shorter or my legs are longer & I can't reach my feet! Sitting for extended periods in the theatre or cinema is painful. Cooking from scratch is painful & exhausting. Visiting art exhibitions is difficult & tiring. Walking for more than 5 minutes is a challenge. Walking & talking even more so....I could go on, but how boring would that be?

I do think that you have to accept some of the challenges of ageing. I also think that mindset is really important. If you only see the negative you become someone who is not a pleasure to be with. You become a "drain". Self absorbtion is not a pleasant characteristic. Always focussing on your conditions or the aspects of your life you don't like will not endear you to those around you.

So, providing you don't have a terminal condition, (although we all do in a way), or you aren't suffering from a really serious illness, I think you have to be aware & outward looking. You have to find the things that give you pleasure. Little pleasures like enjoying good food & not eating rubbish. Finding a way of keeping fit you enjoy, (I love swimming). Keeping interested in what is going on with family & friends & the world. (You are not the centre of the Universe). Listening to the radio, (I love Radio 4).  Volunteering & helping others, (beneficial because you are actually meeting people). Doing things to keep your mind active & distracting you from the day to day difficulties of life - Puzzles, reading, games like solitaire & mahjong on an Ipad or phone....

I think I am saying look honestly at your thoughts & personality. Would you want to spend time with yourself? Yes, if you live alone I know you do most of the time. But would you enjoy a conversation with yourself? Are you interested in other people, new things, events in the world, life itself? Or are you trapped in a mindset that has unrealistic expectations of others & is negative about everything & everyone?

Actually, I don't think this is just about ageing. It's about just being a nice human being & really valuing how lucky you are in small ways. Accentuate the positive, a song from 1945, the year I was born. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3jdbFOidds&t=60s 

 

Situationships & Ambiguity

I had an enjoyable & interesting Christmas. Not least because I got to really chat to adult grandchildren & their cousins. I am very interested in what their generation think, not just about what is going on in the world, but also about life & relationships. Their lives are so different to mine now & also when I was their age.

So I learnt a new word. Situationship - A romantic or sexual connection without clear labels, commitment or defined boundaries. A grey area between friendship & relationship, which can involve intimacy & emotional connection. It's that last bit that concerns me a little, because it can lead to ambiguity. It's supposedly a relationship without expectations, which is fine if both people understand & are happy with that. If they aren't there is potential to cause confusion & anxiety, especially about the future. 

I've thought about it a bit since I came home. I really don't think this is actually a big change in relationships, it's just that this generation have given a grey area a name. No harm in that. Personal relationships on any level are tricky. There will probably always be misunderstanding & miscommunication. I know what I mean, but you may very well think I mean something else. The important things are honesty & respect.

Teenagers & young adults give the impression that they are fully developed mentally & physically & they really do know more than their parents or grandparents. Actually I think they do about some things. But equally so do we know stuff they don't because we have been around for longer. The human brain doesn't finish developing until around the mid to late 20's. Key areas like the prefrontal cortex (responsible for judgment and planning) mature last, often around age 25 or even into the early thirties. Complex fine-tuning of functions continues well into adulthood. 

There are also differences in the way that different genders think. Not only male & female, I imagine gender fluid brains vary too. Research indicates that male & female brains are wired differently in terms of connectivity. Male brains generally exhibit stronger, front-to-back connectivity within hemispheres, aiding perception and motor skills. Female brains tend to show more side-to-side connectivity between hemispheres, enhancing analytical and intuitive processing. 

Difference is good & can be complimentary. But that brings me back to my concern about ambiguity. So long as everyone in a relationship or situationship is clear & understands the perameters of what is going on I imagine it's fine. But if one partner masks what they really need or want in order to keep the situationship going & isn't honest, or if one isn't clear enough that they don't want any sort of commitment then I can envisage hurt & pain. 

Being young is wonderful. You should be free to experiment & learn from mistakes. But the amount of mental ill health in the young is worrying. 50% of mental health conditions start by 18. Sadly access to mental health provision is appallingly bad. So the young have to do what my generation did, have really good support systems within their family or friendship groups. Because actually in many cases just talking it over with someone does help a lot. 

There seems to be an explosion of mental health diagnosis. I'm not at all sure that is a good thing. Life is a bitch, you do have to learn to cope with it. We create our own thoughts, we have the power to create positive thoughts rather than negative ones. 

 

https://mentalhealth-uk.org/help-and-information/downloadable-resources/ 

 

Joy, Happiness & Contentment

Of these three I find it really difficult to decide which I experience. I'm not sure that I have truly experienced joy at all. I think that the closest I have come is travelling with my husband & walking in wonderful landscapes. What is joy? Supposedly it is great pleasure & happiness. A deep, internal sense of well being & contentment, independent of external circumstances, which lasts longer than fleeting happiness. It is rooted in an authentic life aligned with one's values, meaningful connections, and a profound inner sense of purpose or fulfillment, even in the face of suffering. 

That's a lot to ask of life. The obvious response to the question "when did you experience real joy", is the birth of a child or ones wedding day. For me, for very different reasons neither were joyous. 

Then there is happiness - a state of mind characterized by positive emotions, a sense of purpose, and a feeling of fulfillment, deep pleasure. Well, yes. I have felt those things. It has usually been relatively fleetingly though. I always mistrust people who seem to be overly happy with their life. In my experience life is a bumpy road, full of surprises & challenges. You have to grab happiness when it happens, because you always have to deal with sorrow & heartache too. I don't think that it is possible, in this world, to feel happy all the time. 

So that leaves me with contentment - being satisfied with ones life & circumstances. A sense of inner peace with what you have without constantly wanting more. A lasting feeling of fulfillment that is distinct from fleeting happiness, an appreciation for the present and a sense of completeness. I can live with that & be immensely grateful for it.

 

The main point of life, as I see it, is to try to do no harm. We all have an ego, a sense of our self esteem & self importance. Self esteem is important, we need to value ourseves. Self importance can be the route to all sorts of problems. Maybe if we thought of ourselves as a grain of sand we would get some perspective of our real importance & be more content with what we have.   

Post Lunch Fatigue

Just as night follows day I struggle to stay awake after eating lunch. I usually sit for a bit & maybe play mahjong or solitaire on my tablet, or read a book. Even if I'm doing something on my computer, my eyelids drag themselves down & I do start to drift off.

My calvanistic upbringing decrees that my days should be productive, so sleeping isn't an option. I have to get up & do something. Things need to be crossed off my "to do" list.

However, I've been talking to someone who told me about "post lunch fatigue" - post any meal actually. But it is more of a thing at lunchtime for me. The scientific name is postprandial somnolence. Apparently it's caused by high-carbohydrate meals that cause a rapid blood sugar and insulin spike, or by high-fat meals that are harder to digest and divert blood flow from the brain. Blood flow to the digestive tract is increased.

We know so much more now about how our body works & how complex a system it is. High-carb meals lead to a surge in insulin, which can cause a subsequent drop in blood sugar, resulting in a feeling of energy loss. Eating triggers the release of serotonin, a hormone that promotes sleep. More blood being directed to the digestive system to process food, can lead to reduced blood flow to the brain, so we are drowsy.

Apparently the solution is;-

• Eating smaller, lighter, balanced meals
• Being hydrated 
• Light exercise to re-energise the body & increase concentration
• Mindful eating

Who knew?

I thought it was simply an ageing thing & I fight it. I don't want to waste the time I have left alive by sleeping, except at night time. On the other hand my nights are very disturbed & I wake a lot & don't get prolonged restful sleep. 

So I'm now thinking I should look at time differently. Just follow my circadian rhythm. I should listen to my master clock in the suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN) of the brain. 

 

I don't think my body likes the current routines my brain has created.  

 

Can't Stand the Heat

We have quite a few sayings about heat - "if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen", "the heat of the moment", "the white heat of technology", "as hot as hell".....  We have a very mixed relationship to heat, sun & heatwaves. Some love it. I actually dread it because, like many elderly people, I find it really difficult to cope with. I have to virtually shutdown & stay in the coolest room in my house which is North facing. 

We are now experiencing the third successive heatwave this summer in the UK. We have amber heat alerts with temperatures in the 30's & 3 areas now have hosepipe bans. The highest temperature so far was 34.7 degrees. According to RoSPA “Heat is no longer just a holiday perk, it’s a growing public health risk".

If you have pre-existing health conditions heat exacerbates the symptoms. Conditions like heart disease, respiratory problems, kidney issues, and diabetes can be worsened, leading to a higher risk of complications and even death.The body's attempt to cool down during heat exposure puts extra strain on the heart, potentially leading to chest pain, heart attack, or even heart failure in individuals with pre-existing heart conditions. Hot weather can worsen breathing difficulties & reduce oxygen intake. Heat and dehydration can strain the kidneys, potentially leading to acute kidney injury, especially in individuals with existing kidney problems. Some medications, such as diuretics, beta-blockers, and drugs for mental health, can interfere with the body's ability to regulate temperature and maintain proper fluid balance, making people more vulnerable to heat-related illnesses.

People like me with chronic health conditions need to take extra precautions during heatwaves, such as staying hydrated, avoiding strenuous activity, and seeking shade or air-conditioned environments. Actually I find there is no choice, because I simply do not have the capacity to do anything even slightly energetic. So the ironing remains unironed, the plants aren't watered, the bed is never made & the washing up sits and looks mockingly at me.

But I don't mind that. It will all get done eventually. What I mind is the enforced inactivity. The constant discomfort. 

But I am fortunate because I can & do swim, which is a temporary respite & makes sure I do get some exercise. I have family living nearby & friends who keep in touch. So many people are struggling with the results of climate change who aren't as lucky. 

The Climate Emergency needs to be taken far more seriously by everyone. We can see the evidence clearly, not least in the wildfire statistics. 

https://gwis.jrc.ec.europa.eu/apps/gwis_current_situation/index.html

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0m9gm3jwljo 

Heat is a killer, in more ways than one. 

 

Being 80

I will be 80 next week. Every day I think about the increasing odds that I won’t be here tomorrow. That fact isn’t difficult to deal with. The uncertainty of “how” is. This is the 16^th year of living alone & learning to cope with life. I value my independence. I value my own routine. I don’t want to have to rely on someone else unless absolutely necessary.

My daughter & her family live a few minutes away, but they all have busy lives. Currently its been 9 days since I have seen or spoken to any of them. I understand that. I experienced it all myself – a profession, a family, & a social life takes time & effort. But it is hard to feel that you are “out of sight & out of mind” of those closest to you.

Living to this age makes me realise that I could have done better myself with my parents & in laws. But that self knowledge only comes with age & experience. My husband & I had a difficult relationship with both my parents & his. The generation gap between us was huge. The generation gap now between me & my family is equally huge. “T’was ever thus” – (Dickens “Old Curiosity Shop”).

I don’t believe, as my mother did, & I suspect my mother in law did, that a child owes their parent a debt of gratitude & has responsibility for them in their old age or infirmity. Parents choose to have children & do owe them care & protection that does last a lifetime. Separation of children from their parents as they enter adulthood is normal & important. That is hard for parents to cope with. Some never let go.

I don’t believe that you can force your children & grandchildren to love & respect you. They have to want to love you & care for you. They have to want to know what you have been doing & how you are. They have to want to visit you or phone & chat. A WhatsApp or text isn't the same.

In my view when we are young adults we are self absorbed. We are time poor. We have to balance a job, running a home, a life & relationships. We compartmentalise & often prioritise ourselves & what we want or our immediate family & friends demand. We might sympathise with other peoples lives & problems but we are unable to fully empathise with situations we have not experienced.

When you are old your perspectives change. If you are thoughtful & introspective you gain insight with a lifetime of experience.

The reality of being alone at 80 is that I could have an accident, a stroke or a heart attack at any time. I could die peacefully in my sleep or I could be in pain. When that happens I could be alone in the house & no one would know. Possibly for days or even weeks. It happened to my mother in law.

Hopefully the probability is small. But I have no way of knowing & there is nothing else I can do to be safer. But I am lucky. I designed, renovated and adapted a home & I wear a tele-alarm. I have good friends who I hope might notice I’m not doing the things I normally do.

But the reality is that its all a gamble. My life could end at any time, (as could yours). So I think it’s important to try to achieve something every day & make living purposeful. We all need to feel it’s worth getting up in the morning.

Choices & Opportunity

I don't make New Year resolutions. I know I will fall by the wayside of good intention.

I do believe that I always have the opportunity to be a better person by making better choices. This can be anything from the food I eat & the amount of exercise I do, to how I behave to other people. It also includes what I spend my time doing, whether it's self based action or action on behalf of others.

There is always a choice. The problem is how difficult that choice might be. For instance I doubt that I am particularly brave. So if I saw someone in danger would I help if it put me in danger too? I don't know until it happens, but I hope I would try. The quid pro quo is that I hope someone would choose to help me in the same situation.

I think we are all self centred in some ways. We choose to do or not do things according to the benefit or loss to ourselves. The important thing is to be aware of that & try to be more empathetic & sympathetic to other people. 

People allow themselves to become motivated by gain in money, prestige, power, & posessions. All of those things cease when we die, except for a small number of people who leave a genuine legacy. Not money or things in their will. A legacy of good choices & opportunity for others.

As I've aged I am more & more aware of what my life legacy might be. Not because I'm religious & believe that St Peter will tot it all up at the pearly gates in order to let me in or lock me out. But because, although I am just a grain of sand in history, I think that everyone's life should mean something. There should be a good outcome from being here.

But I also do believe in Karma. There will be some payment extracted, at some time, for those people who have not made good choices or who have not taken opportunities to be kind or benefit others.

Memories

I'm a bit ambivalent about the value of memories.I'm not sure that their impact on what we do or say is entirely beneficial. Even more importantly how they can make us feel is not necessarily good. 

I've never been very good at remembering things that have happened. Friends & family can remember times we shared far better than I can. I have very few memories of my childhood & they are not very clear. I can remember a place in the countryside I could walk to & really enjoy being in very well, even how I got there. I can remember a time in primary school when I was very upset, but not why or what happened afterwards. I can remember playing in the street with other children. I can remember a huge argument about me going to the Ideal Home exhibition with a friend. I can remember practicing the piano in a very cold front room. My childhood is little random vignettes. Even having hypnotherapy didn't help me recall more.

For some reason I don't understand my mind seems to have erased a lot. It isn't a new thing, I've always had a problem with it. 

I can remember far more of my life as an adult, but even then there are lots of events that other people remember & I don't. Mostly what sticks in my mind is polarised, either very pleasurable experiences & places I've been, or the complete opposite. I can remember emotions & feelings. I can remember faces.

My feeling is that it is important to know what has gone before in our lives, but dwelling in the past isn't helpful. It's gone & can't be changed. Everyones memories will be a melange of good & bad. Few of us will sail through life on a rosy cloud. I think that we should try to live in the moment & really value where we are now, what we are doing & who we are with. Life passes by so quickly, it's easy to become a slave to routine & not take chances that are offered.  

I know people who hold grudges, who misguidedly think that everything was better in the past, who hold onto sadness & anger. Lives filled with those sort of memories are not happy. We all need joy in our lives & we need to actively try to create good new memories. 

Now is what is important & what we do with it. 

Memory

Here I sit at my PC losing my mind & minding my loss. As I think I have mentioned before, there is plenty of data in my brain, it's retrieval that's the problem. 

I have just realised that I completely forgot to do my volunteer stint at the community centre last week. Normally it would be on the wipe clean weekly calendar on my fridge, in the paper calendar on my desk & in the calendar on my smart phone. Alexa would then remind me becase she is synched to my phone, as is my computer calendar. None of that happened, so I blithely went on with my day - in the wrong place.

The good side of that is no one needs to worry about me repeating gossip, I won't remember it. I may well not remember that I have told you something though & repeat it. (Please do tell me if I do). I may also completely forget that you have asked me to do something, so you may wait a long time to see it done. 

I am a compulsive note maker in my smartphone - but it isn't infallible because I may forget to look at Notes. Even more likely I won't remember what the cryptic note means!

In common with a lot of my friends I can set off to do something & be distracted & completely forget what it was I was going to do. I can almost feel a thought drifting out of my head. It's no good trying to remember what it was, but it might creep up on me if I ignore it.

All of this can be a bit frustrating, but there is nothing more I can do to counteract the loss of short term memory. I have known several people who had Alzheimers or vascular dementia & I'm reasonably sure I haven't got that, thank goodness. I'm just a bit unreliable. But I know I am & actually it really doesn't worry me much. I don't feel any compulsion to be perfectly reliable & organised anymore.

I think that along with so many physical & mental changes that take place in old age you have to go with the flow. Acceptance is a blessing. 

Just so long as you don't give up or bang on about it!

Having a Voice

Old people, especially women, often say that they feel they are invisible. They can feel like unwanted outsiders in society, and may withdraw into isolation, in reality it's possible that we oldies collude in that. It's a form of ageism.

According to research by the Mather Institute the UK had the most negative ageist attitude, followed by a cluster of India, Bangladesh, Canada, the US, and Kenya. The most positive were Sri Lanka, followed by Ghana and Tanzania. "They found that ageism was not related to the proportion of older adults in the population or speed of ageing population growth. However, greater long-term orientation and greater masculine cultural dimensions were associated with greater ageism". "Ageism may be greater in these societies because they favour strength and competition, characteristics that are generally not associated with older adults". Conversely countries influenced by Buddhism, Taoism and Confucianism, such as Japan, China, Korea and Vietnam all value wisdom imparted by elders and treat them with a high degree of respect.

Fridays debate in the UK Parliament gave a voice to politicians on the issue of assisted dying. For once, it was a debate worth listening to. As a free vote there was no party affiliation & cross bench "yah booing". People actually listened to the points being well made. The voices on both sides were heard. I wish that happened all the time. 

We all have a voice, whatever our age, position in society, education & condition. The trouble is some voices are louder than others, some out shout more moderate voices. Some people even feel that their opinion is actually more important than others because of their intellect, education or status. These things may be important, but I think that experience matters more. 

We need to listen to people who know first hand what a situation is like. That is why we do need to listen to the voices of the elderly. They have years of experience of a huge variety of situations. They see repeating patterns & cycles & learn from them. 

On the other hand, we oldies really shouldn't "bang on" about our lives repetetively & boringly. We shouldn't be trapped in the past, it really wasn't necessarily that brilliant. We should be selective & just pass on the real nuggets of experience that might help in our current very complex world. 

We need to earn respect. It isn't a right.

 

Normal?

We all think we are "normal", but what is normal? How do we define it? Is it behavior that conforms to the most common behavior in the society we live in? In which case how do we reconcile the very different, cultural, accepted behaviours worldwide? Is it the most common behavior for  an individual, whether or not it conforms to society norms? Statistically 'normal' means not significantly deviating from the average. I can only compare myself to my friends, family & aquaintances. My social group, like most people's, is relatively homogenious. So how do I know that represents normality? It is only normal for my group & even within that group there is a wide range of behaviours & beliefs.

We learn what normality is initially from our parents. Like it or not, our parents teach us by conditioning, habituation & imprinting. Our version of what is "normal" depends on who parented us & their social strata. It is "learned behaviour". Teachers follow on from parents & there is an argument that education is also indoctrination.

One definition of normal human behavior is any behavior, including speech, that does not bring harm to  individuals or people. "First do no harm" is probably a good mantra for anyone, not just medics. 

When I compare the world today to the world of my childhood, teens & early adulthood there is some similarity, but not much. My world today is much better in many ways, certainly more financially secure & technologically sophisticated. The world I remember was simpler & more relaxed. I have had to adjust to a new "normal".

The thing is, has that adjustment meant that I accept things that would have been anathema to the younger me? In some ways yes, I'm less judgmental & emotionally volatile. But my moral compass is the same. I'm just far better informed & understand the complexities better. I have the web at my fingertips & can research & verify information.

The most worrying thing is that "normal" seems to mean something so different today that I just can't come to terms with it. Wars, mindless violence, corruption, failed states, poverty, famine, waste, polution, unsustainable lifestyles ..., all of this & more has become normal.

We are in danger of accepting all of this. If we don't resist this new "normal" our society will collapse, because it isn't normal. It's all very abnormal. 

 

Responsible

I do finally think I am a responsible adult. It has taken decades, but maybe that's actually what a life is for. To learn how to be the best you can be. All that experience, all those mistakes & hopefully you grow into a kinder, less judgemental, more open, human being, who can admit failure & move on.

We make choices & decisions every day of our lives. Those choices & decisions are made in the light of our personality, intelligence & thought processes. How we were parented is also important. We get our basic moral compass in the first 5 years of our lives, so parenting is crucial to the sort of adult we will be. The next most important influence is our education & then finally our friendships.

It's like the recipe for a sponge cake. All the ingredients can make a light fluffy cake that rises, or a solid flat lump, depending on how you put the ingredients together. (Sadly my sponge cakes are nowhere near as good as my daughters!)

I increasingly feel that our society is becoming more adept at not taking responsibility for the wrong actions which affect others adversely & sometimes do real harm. We are becoming more adept at justifying mistakes rather than simply owning up. I do believe that deep down we know, but we just cannot bring ourselves to admit fault. 

I used to think that it was mostly men who were unable to face up to their failings & the word most used by women was sorry. I'm not so sure now. For example the head of the US Secret Service director Kim Cheatle who tried to justify the unjustifiable, rather than admit that there were failings in decision making when Trump was shot. Also the chief executive of the Post Office Paula Vennells during the Horizon scandal. 

In order to be responsible, you must also be truthful, both with yourself & publicly. There are times when absolute truth can be hurtful to others, but in the main no one should lie to themselves. 

I have had an instance recently where I'm fairly sure a friend has lied to me & then been unable to admit the deception. I have also had a long, ongoing, complaint with a company in which they have consistantly prevaricated & actually lied. There was a time when I would have been upset by both incidents. Now I am just beginning to think that it is more & more likely to happen.

 

I've come to the conclusion that it's because the poor example comes from the top - from politicians, from dictators, from CEO's & company executives. It's everywhere. Many people in the public eye are just interested in their own position, influence, salary etc. 

I still believe that there is huge capacity for good & selflessness in people. But I'm beginning to think that the dark forces against us are winning. We each have the capacity for both, it's your choice.

Memory & Memories

When I was a child at Primary school in Birmingham I walked from Higgins Lane to Lapal Canal via Four Dwellings school. I don't remember how I found my way there, but I went alone. I remember a field full of wild flowers that I walked through & swans nesting on the canal. It always seemed to be a sunny day & it was a place of beauty, peace & tranquility. An escape that I loved. That must have been over 60 years ago. No parent would let a young child do that today.

Nowadays a normal conversation opener is "what have you been up to?" My response is usually, I can't remember. I know that I have been busy. I know that my life has meaning, but my short term memory is shot to hell. I rely on several methods of remembering what I have done & will be doing - My phone, a calendar & a wipe clean weekly planner in the kitchen. Without all 3 I would be lost.

I often wonder what the point of doing anything is if I can't remember doing it. But there is a point. I mostly enjoy doing the things I do. I love interactions with friends, family, acquaintances & even strangers. I obviously have to do the mundane things that keep life ticking along, but I am free to go places & see people that give me pleasure & interest me.

I do things daily to aid memory & keep dementia at bay - The Telegraph general knowledge crossword & playing solitaire on my iPad mainly. I definitely have a visual memory rather that a factual one. I can often see the answer to a crossword clue, but not remember the word. I read fiction & non fiction. The problem with fiction is that I forget who the characters are & what they have done. I listen to radio 4 & watch TV. I keep abreast of world events.

Forgetting things is a nuisance, but it doesn't dominate my thinking because I forget that it's a problem! I don't stress about becoming senile. If I have lasted for this long with a reasonably "compos mentis" mind then hopefully I will manage to keep it.

I do find it really interesting that friends & family with whom I have shared memories remember things that I cannot. Even friends who are a similar age to me. I really don't have many memories of my childhood for example, only general recollections. Is that because I have chosen not to remember? Or because I've always had a bad memory?

My constant reponse is that the data is all there, it's just retrieval that's a problem. After all, my brain has been filling up for 7 decades. It's not surprising. I need to free up some space.

Resolution

I don't make New Year resolutions. I generally don't keep them so I accept defeat. I'm never going to be perfect, I just generally try to live my life according to my own moral code.  

This is an opportune time to look back over a life beginning as the second world war ended. I acknowledge the many huge changes I have seen. My life today bears little resemblance to my life as a child, teenager & young adult. In many ways it is a much better life, certainly more comfortable & more informed. However it is hard not to hanker after a less complex, simpler life. Or is that just "rose tinted spectacles?"

I find myself dwelling on the lack of resolution I see around me & in the world. Change for the better is rarely simple. It demands a willingness to see a different perspective. It demands sacrifice & hard work. It demands seeing the world and everything in it as an interlinked & co dependent bio system. Every choice an individual or a group or a society makes has consequences. We just aren't very good at thinking long term what the consequences of those choices might be. 

Just take plastic. Bakelite was the first plastic, invented in 1907. It started being mass produced & widely used when I was born, after the second world war. Then again there was a boom in the 60's & 70's when I was in my late teens & twenties. We all took it for granted. No one gave a thought to the possible problems caused by the amount we were using & it's disposal until the late 1970's when the National Marine Mammal Laboratory concluded that plastic entanglement was killing up to 40,000 seals a year. Annually, this amounted to a 4-6% drop in seal population beginning in 1976.

Think about war. Every war's outcome is uncertain. A military victory does not guarantee a stable and lasting solution. History shows the consequences of war are complex and unpredictable & often unintended. Perpetuating the cycle of violence may well create new conflicts. War does not resolve problems, people resolve problems by talking & negotiating. 

I do believe that we, as a species, have the intelligence & capability to resolve the many problems that beset our world today. In order to do that we have to let go of the things that are the root causes of the problems. I'm not going to list them, I think that deep down, we do all know what is wrong with our world. The trouble is that many of us are not ready to face up to the actions needed to resolve them.

We could create a much better world for everyone & everything in it. We just have to resolve to do it.

 

Now. 

A Good Death & Freedom of Choice

Ideally I'd like to just die quietly in my sleep. I don't fancy pain or a long lingering loss of function & quality of life. But we don't get to choose. We just do know it's going to happen, just not when & how. As friends & family die around us it reminds us of the inevitability. 

 

I listened to Esther Ranzen this week. She has stage 4 lung cancer & is considering going to Dignitas if she wants to end her life. Because of her high profile there may well be a new free debate & vote on assisted dying in the UK. Personally I would welcome that & hope that it would pass into legislation.

In my youth I naively thought that I could control life. I know better now. But I do always have a choice in what I do or don't do. The choice may be difficult & coloured by the effect on other people, but it is essentially mine to make. The same is not true of my death. At the moment I have to put up with whatever happens & whatever medics can do about it. 

The most important tenet for Medics is "First do no Harm." They want to do everything they can to make patients better. But that isn't always possible or what the patient wants or needs. The patient should be the centre of any decision making. They should be able to choose whether they want invasive treatment which may well not cure them, but just delay the inevitble & give a few extra weeks or months. 

Tolerating pain, being disabled, having no quality of life & having to see the impact of that on people I love is not what I would want. It's not what a lot of people who are much more affected by illness than I am want either. As long as I am capable of making an informed decision I want to be able to exercise that right to live or die. 

Actually I have tried to control my end as much as I can by leaving a Will, Power of Attorney & a Letter of Wishes. I've also done a "Pick & Mix" funeral list of music & readings I like & stipulated nothing religious. I drew the line at writing my own Eulogy though! But that isn't enough. I'm not sure that I would be able to commit suicide, I don't think I'm brave enough. But I would want to exit at a time & place of my own choosing if I had simply had enough.

At the moment I'm not allowed to do that. If I went to Dignitas it would have to be alone, so that my daughter didn't run the risk of prosecution. I just don't agree with the logic. I think this question has been kicked into the long grass for too long. It's in the "too difficult" box. We need to face up to this & find a caring way to deal with it. 

The mere fact that I'm writing this now when I am relatively well & happy in my life shows that I am able to make a reasoned choice. That should be respected & it should not be beyond the wit of man to sort it out. It's cowardly not to.

Life, Death & Funerals.

I have had heart issues for years & am now on my 3rd pacemaker. I've just spent 3 days in Cardiology in hospital having emergency surgery. Currently I can't drive or do much with my left arm. But thanks to the NHS, which, whatever it's problems, cares for acute patients amazingly, I am waking up each morning & functioning independently. The average survival after pacemaker implantation was 99.4 months (about 8.3 years). So I'm doing well, I've had one for 14 years.

Being alive seems to be the point as far as I can see. Those of us who have a life to live without war, famine, deprivation & all the ills besetting so many people in the world now, we are very lucky. Unfortunately it is all too easy to take our life for granted & not do very much with it. What is the point of a life if the living don't contribute something to the greater good? Maybe we should all think about the legacy we will leave behind before it's too late. Possibly we should keep a running tally of the good & the bad things we do day to day & try to make sure there is a positive balance.

Not everyone can do something really impressive, like invent a vaccine. But everyone can make someone elses life a little better. Everyone can care & be kind. Everyone can stand up for truth, peace & justice.

A friends husband has just died & I will go to his funeral this week. There is so much death in our world today that I worry that we will just become inured to it. Treat the news coverage like a CGI film. We are all dying. It's normal. I'm truly not afraid of illness or dying. The only thing that does bother me is the thought of dying alone in my house & being unable to contact anyone. The unacceptable face of death is what is happening today in places like Palestine, Yemen, Ukraine, Syria & Israel...... 

Grieving & Funerals vary a lot around the world. There are cultural differences. In the Middle East burial takes place as quickly as possible after death. The body is washed and covered with a sheet by family members. Here that is handled by undertakers. Family & friends attend the service, but are largely passive.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve or deal with the dead. There is only a right or wrong way to live ones life.

My Sell By Date & the NHS

I don't think I'm past my sell by date yet, but I am wearing out. This week I discovered that my heart is having trouble pumping blood upwards. Given that I'm 5ft 8ins tall & 78 I don't find that surprising. My heart has been pumping for a very long time without any maintenance. I wouldn't expect my car engine to do that. So my feet & legs swell every day (Oedema) & it's possible that I have fluid on my lungs. 

When you really think about your body you realise what an amazing, complex, system it is. The cells, tissues & organs work together to accomplish the specific functions necessary for sustaining life. We take it for granted & assume it will continue to work. We prefer not to think about our mortality. 

I've had heart problems for decades & have had a pacemaker for well over 10 years. That is a little miracle in itself. Medics are able to accomplish a huge amount in the 21st century for all sorts of disease & ill health. But I do wonder whether we should all take a step back & consider whether the fact that they can prolong life is the right choice. Are we selfish in our expectations of what the NHS will achieve for us & for our loved ones?

Medications & interventions are increasingly costly & amazing. Medical technology grows exponentially. But do we want a life we can live well or do we just want to be alive? Do our loved ones want to postpone facing up to the fact that we all die? It is the natural course of events. 

I do believe that I should be able to choose euthanasia if I reach the point of suffering a lot. 

There is another thing we should consider. Is the National Health Service a complete misnomer? Do medics spend all their time dealing with people who are ill? Yes, it's actually a National Illness Service. That must get quite dispiriting. Should we consider a National Wellness Service instead?

Whatever health service we have or want, it should be a proper partnership. We must be equally as responsible for our own health as the medics who look after us. We all do things that are not condusive to good health, physical & mental. We drink, smoke, take drugs, eat too much, eat a poor diet. We don't exercise enough. We don't pace ourselves & get enough rest. We lead stressful lives. No wonder the NHS is overwhelmed.

I do think we are at a point when everyone should have a frank & open discussion about what we want the NHS to be. We are light years away from Aneurin Bevan who used the Tredegar Medical Aid Society as his inspiration for creating the NHS in 1946. 

The NHS is wonderful, but it isn't fit for the 21st century any more.

 

Newcastle Nightlife

I got back last night from a mini break in Newcastle on Tyne. I went with a coachload of people from our local horticultural society - All a similar age to me. I had never been to Newcastle before. 

There was supposed to be a festival all weekend, but it was cancelled at the last minute because of the weather. On Saturday night my group wandered out to look at the city centre architecture, particularly Grey Street. We passed through the huge square in the middle of the Life Centre - it's no exaggeration to say it was gob smacking. The bars & clubs in Newcastle had said they would give free entry to all the young people who would have gone to the festival. So there were massive queues of people waiting to get in. The whole city was heaving with young people on foot & cruising in cars. 

At this point I must say the old adage "don't judge a book by it's cover" is absolutely true. However I think we were all amazed at the sheer numbers of young people & more to the point what the girls were, or rather weren't, wearing. The skirts & shorts were pelmets, often not covering their buttocks. Tops were either very low cut or exposed midriffs, or both. There wasn't really much clothing at all. There was a lot of sparkle & some very high heels.

I had seen "All in the Best Possible Taste", a documentary Grayson Perry did with an episode about Sunderland nightlife. But seeing it actually happening was a whole different experience. It seemed quite tribal, the girls  & boys often in separate groups. Boys wear totally ordinary clothes, but girls really push the boat out & glam up in full make up. Lots of false eyelashes, eyebrows, lip dermal fillers & false nails. This image is relatively mild in comparison to what we saw.

 

Everyone was very cheerful. We got a couple of comments, because obviously we stuck out like a sore thumb. Someone told us we were wearing too much - it was wet & chilly. But by an large these young people were only too happy to chat & help. They were delightful & funny. Some of us never did get as far as Grey Street & gave up at the castle area. 

The thing is it would be very easy to criticise on the basis of what the girls looked like. I'm the generation of Mary Quant & mini skirts, so I do know what it's like to be young & fashionable. However I am concerned. 

We all make judgements about people on the basis of what we see. To explain what I mean - If women show off their bodies to this extent in public what are they saying about themselves? My concern is that the message boys & men will get is overtly sexual. Nothing is hidden, it could be interpreted as an advertisment for attention that possibly the women don't really want.

But what do I know? Sex is a commodity now in a way that it wasn't when I was that age. I suppose I just wonder if the men are confused & the women are naive. 

Having a Purpose

I'm never going to change the world, much as I would like to. My voice will only be heard when joined with others in support of or against issues. I am lucky that I can also support financially & through volunteering. I hope significant change will come, but I probably won't see it. I do think it is important not to simply passively watch on the sidelines though. We all need to engage & have purpose.

In the same way I probably won't be around to see the garden I am creating fully grown. Trees, shrubs & plants take time to establish. Some will flourish, some will not & will have to be replaced with better choices. This, probably my final home, has given me purpose for 3 years now. It hasn't been easy, but it has been interesting & I have learned a lot from the process. My garden will supposedly take another 3 years to reach a reasonable condition. Trees take a lifetime.

Although I don't have the energy or physical capacity that I once had I am quite computer literate. I doubt that I would have been able to plan & manage a big building project & create a reasonably sized garden from scratch if I hadn't been able to research & order the hundreds of things necessary online. My computer is my lifeline & my life is on it - literally.

We all age & have to adjust to ageing. It really isn't easy. I have come to realise that it is really important to maintain social interactions & interest in other people & things. The body may start to fail, but if you are lucky enough to still be compos mentis you do need stimulation & purpose. We all need to be engaged in life & having a purpose is integral to that.

The difficulty is finding something that does give you purpose. Hitherto I haven't found that difficult. But I have known quite a few people in my life who have found retirement, ageing & the loss of a loved one incredibly hard to deal with. It isn't necessarily only a problem for the elderly. I can also remember young people who suffered from depression, isolation, rootlessness & lack of purpose. It can be like a disease & is very difficult to cope with on your own.

In some ways I dislike the current obsession with "mental health". That doesn't mean I don't think it is hugely important. I would simply like far more focus on providing effective & timely professional help for people suffering from mental ill health. I don't find the emotional outpouring of very personal & private issues from people in the public eye moves us forward very much. I'm not sure it actually helps them either. 

We live in an age of opportunities unknown in my youth. It is also currently a very unstable world with many serious problems. Apathy will not rescue humanity from war, famine, pestilence & climate change. There isn't going to be a second coming of a messiah to rescue us. We all need to be engaged in sorting out the world we have created. 

We all need a sense of purpose.