When I was in my thirties and a (fairly) responsible adult - a head teacher no less - the husband of a friend & colleague "touched me up" to use the vernacular. I was the head of a small village school & there was quite a lot of very enjoyable social interaction between staff & parents including dinner parties.
The incidents, it was more than once, were relatively low key. He would put his hand up my skirt as I moved around the table serving people. It was only my calf & thigh, no further, so not something really invasive or offensive although it was under my skirt. (I did wear skirts in those days!)
I did nothing. I didn't acknowledge to him that anything untoward had happened. I didn't tell my husband. I didn't do what I was seriously tempted to & say "get your hand out from under my skirt!" They were happy social occasions I couldn't embarrass his wife in public. Although my husband was a mild & kind man I knew that if I told him he would be outraged. So I opted for the line of least resistance and did nothing.
In doing nothing I now feel that I colluded with the behaviour. I sent a very strong message that it was OK. It wasn't. He was banking on just that reaction. Knowing him quite well I think it gave him a sexual buzz & a feeling of power. He probably thought I enjoyed it too. ( I couldn't possibly have fancied him in a million years).
Some men simply don't seem to be inhibited by norms of social behaviour. I doubt they care. Violating personal space doesn't seem important to them. Women are a challenge to their (lack of?) masculinity & I suspect that a professional, competent woman is an even bigger prize to put in her place as a sexual object.
I don't know the truth of the Lord Rennard saga. I tend to believe that his behaviour was probably very similar to the man I described and the reaction of the women involved was probably very similar to mine. The truth is that this sort of thing goes on all the time. I wasn't traumatised by it, & I doubt that Lord Rennards victims were either. That doesn't make it acceptable.
Until men are made to face up to the inappropriateness of their behaviour by women speaking out publicly this will go on. Unfortunately it isn't as simple or as black & white as that. But, surely there comes a point when if enough women complain individually, or enough people comment on inappropriate behaviour, over a long period, one has to acknowledge that something is wrong? Even if it can't be proved to the standards of "beyond reasonable doubt" in court.
Monday 20 January 2014
Saturday 18 January 2014
One Step Forward.........
Yesterday was a good day - A day to be savoured. The company who installed the roof on my house in 2006/7 finally sent two roofers to sort out the leaks into the study & the bedroom corridor. I've been trying to get the problem sorted since November with no help whatsoever from the vendor, who said he had fixed it. (He lied). The leak in the corridor got into a downlight & kept making the new fuse box trip out. But if I hadn't had it fitted the old one wouldn't have tripped, so goodness knows what would have happened.
The young roofers were a delight to have working in the house. Cheerful & hardworking as far as I could see. They also seemed to know what they were doing which was a big bonus. They were there for nearly four hours & found quite a lot to repair. The company aren't charging me, I'm pleased to say, because the roof is guaranteed. So I was really chuffed & thought once everything had dried out properly I could get the damage repaired. I really felt quite cheerful.
I should have known. I went into my ensuite this morning & noticed an odd wet plaster sort of smell. Looking up I saw two big new damp patches. When I went to look at the boiler above it was obvious that it was leaking. This is the new Vaillant boiler which cost an arm & a leg towards the end of November. The boiler that is the subject of a summons by me of the vendor, which is going to Court. At the moment I'm waiting for the plumber who installed the boiler to come & tell me whether it's a fault with the pipework or the boiler itself.
I simply can't believe the number of problems I have had with this six & a half year old house in the four and a half months I have been here. I must have done something really bad in a previous life to have all this bad Karma. I certainly can't remember anything that warrants it in this life. I'm trying to be calm and rational, but actually I want to scream & shout at someone. Why isn't work done properly? Why aren't things built to last & checked for faults?
The thing that is really wearing is all the time & hassle it takes to sort stuff like this out. I've got better things to do than chase people all the time. I'm fed up with the constant trickle / flood of money to put things right. (Although I am grateful that I can afford to do it, many people can't). Waiting for tradesmen to arrive is very frustrating. You can't settle to anything.
I just want it all sorted & a house that works. Is that too much to ask?
The young roofers were a delight to have working in the house. Cheerful & hardworking as far as I could see. They also seemed to know what they were doing which was a big bonus. They were there for nearly four hours & found quite a lot to repair. The company aren't charging me, I'm pleased to say, because the roof is guaranteed. So I was really chuffed & thought once everything had dried out properly I could get the damage repaired. I really felt quite cheerful.
I should have known. I went into my ensuite this morning & noticed an odd wet plaster sort of smell. Looking up I saw two big new damp patches. When I went to look at the boiler above it was obvious that it was leaking. This is the new Vaillant boiler which cost an arm & a leg towards the end of November. The boiler that is the subject of a summons by me of the vendor, which is going to Court. At the moment I'm waiting for the plumber who installed the boiler to come & tell me whether it's a fault with the pipework or the boiler itself.
I simply can't believe the number of problems I have had with this six & a half year old house in the four and a half months I have been here. I must have done something really bad in a previous life to have all this bad Karma. I certainly can't remember anything that warrants it in this life. I'm trying to be calm and rational, but actually I want to scream & shout at someone. Why isn't work done properly? Why aren't things built to last & checked for faults?
The thing that is really wearing is all the time & hassle it takes to sort stuff like this out. I've got better things to do than chase people all the time. I'm fed up with the constant trickle / flood of money to put things right. (Although I am grateful that I can afford to do it, many people can't). Waiting for tradesmen to arrive is very frustrating. You can't settle to anything.
I just want it all sorted & a house that works. Is that too much to ask?
Friday 17 January 2014
What's gone wrong with men 2? - Sexual Violence & Rape
Rape is sexual violence without consent against a vulnerable victim. It is invasion of the body by force or coercion. There are notionally 91% female victims & 9% male victims. However, how accurate those statistics are is open to question simply because it is the most under reported crime. Usually the perpetrator is known to the victim.
Rape seems to have been around for a very long time. "Rape & pillage" by invading forces is evident throughout history. We are possibly more aware of the incidence of rape now because of improved communications, but we don't really know that the incidence is actually higher. One statistic I found said there are 250,000 reported cases annually in 65 countries. But in South Africa, where rape seems to be endemic, there are 500,000 cases reported annually.
There are many types of rape - date rape, gang rape, marital rape, incestual rape, prison rape & war rape. Rape is rightly a war crime, sadly seemingly epidemic. The act itself, however brutal, is not the end for the victim. It is traumatising & can result in PTSD, STD's, pregnancy, Aids, victim blame & it's worst outcomes, "honour killing" & forced marriage. The victim is often victimised twice over. Not least by having to re-live the event if the matter gets as far as Court.
The statistics on prosecutions are not encouraging. In 2012 / 13 the conviction rate for 3,692 prosecutions was 63%. Yet we know that false allegations are extremely rare. Routinely 25.8% of allegations result in no charges being laid.
To me rape seems to be a crime committed by inadequate men incapable of having a real equal relationship with women. It seems to be a lot to do with the notion of "male entitlement" & female invisibility. Once again it is all about men who can only feel any sort of control or power through violence against someone who cannot defend themselves & crucially often feels that they are somehow responsible. This leads to the dichotomy of whether rape is a sexual crime or a violent crime.
Sexual assaults on elderly women are particularly difficult to understand but support the view that it is more a crime of violence. There are no figures for sexual attacks on elderly women because rape stat's are not categorised by age. We do know that they are not rare & that reported incidents are increasing. Often with associated violence and often, inexplicably, committed by young men. The victims are particularly vulnerable because often they live alone & the invasion of their home & body must be particularly traumatising.
As a woman fast approaching 70 what I find particularly unacceptable is that there is a resounding silence from specialists in the area - psychologists, counsellors, victim support, charities for the elderly. There is no research, no studies at all - nothing. Not into victims or perpetrators. I have to wonder if this is because of societies attitudes to old people & sex in the developed world. We do not exist. We certainly shouldn't have a loving sex life. I just hope that it never happens to me & that someone starts investigating this properly - soon
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/why-do-young-men-rape-elderly-women-and-why-does-nobody-care-a-special-report-by-linda-grant-on-a-shocking-crime-which-it-seems-we-all-prefer-to-ignore-1408839.html
Rape seems to have been around for a very long time. "Rape & pillage" by invading forces is evident throughout history. We are possibly more aware of the incidence of rape now because of improved communications, but we don't really know that the incidence is actually higher. One statistic I found said there are 250,000 reported cases annually in 65 countries. But in South Africa, where rape seems to be endemic, there are 500,000 cases reported annually.
There are many types of rape - date rape, gang rape, marital rape, incestual rape, prison rape & war rape. Rape is rightly a war crime, sadly seemingly epidemic. The act itself, however brutal, is not the end for the victim. It is traumatising & can result in PTSD, STD's, pregnancy, Aids, victim blame & it's worst outcomes, "honour killing" & forced marriage. The victim is often victimised twice over. Not least by having to re-live the event if the matter gets as far as Court.
The statistics on prosecutions are not encouraging. In 2012 / 13 the conviction rate for 3,692 prosecutions was 63%. Yet we know that false allegations are extremely rare. Routinely 25.8% of allegations result in no charges being laid.
To me rape seems to be a crime committed by inadequate men incapable of having a real equal relationship with women. It seems to be a lot to do with the notion of "male entitlement" & female invisibility. Once again it is all about men who can only feel any sort of control or power through violence against someone who cannot defend themselves & crucially often feels that they are somehow responsible. This leads to the dichotomy of whether rape is a sexual crime or a violent crime.
Sexual assaults on elderly women are particularly difficult to understand but support the view that it is more a crime of violence. There are no figures for sexual attacks on elderly women because rape stat's are not categorised by age. We do know that they are not rare & that reported incidents are increasing. Often with associated violence and often, inexplicably, committed by young men. The victims are particularly vulnerable because often they live alone & the invasion of their home & body must be particularly traumatising.
As a woman fast approaching 70 what I find particularly unacceptable is that there is a resounding silence from specialists in the area - psychologists, counsellors, victim support, charities for the elderly. There is no research, no studies at all - nothing. Not into victims or perpetrators. I have to wonder if this is because of societies attitudes to old people & sex in the developed world. We do not exist. We certainly shouldn't have a loving sex life. I just hope that it never happens to me & that someone starts investigating this properly - soon
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/why-do-young-men-rape-elderly-women-and-why-does-nobody-care-a-special-report-by-linda-grant-on-a-shocking-crime-which-it-seems-we-all-prefer-to-ignore-1408839.html
Thursday 16 January 2014
What's gone wrong with Men? - Paedophilia & Child Sex Abuse.
Paedophilia is variously - a psychiatric disorder, a personality or behaviour disorder, a sexual perversion or a sexual orientation. Take your pick. The first three seem to me to medicalise a sexual drive making it seem somehow acceptable. Simply put it is sexual attraction to pre - pubescent children 11 or under. (Nepiophilia refers to infants and toddlers under 5!). That make it sound too sanitised. It is intense & recurring sexual urges & fantasies related to children.
There is no cure, but it may be possible to reduce the incidence of the behaviour through therapy. However Paedophiles & Child Sex Abusers are usually recidivists, repeating undesirable behaviour after they have either experienced negative consequences of that behaviour, or have been treated or trained to extinguish that behaviour. Child Sex Abusers are not necessarily paedophiles though.
Paedophilia was first discovered in the 19th century. Today neurological abnormalities, personality disorders & psychological pathologies are given as reasons for the behaviours. The prevalence of Paedophiles in society is thought to be about 5%. The ratio of men to women Paedophiles is 10:1. (I was quite surprised at the figure for women).
Paedophiles are obsessive collectors of images of children which often indicate what they would like to do to children. They tend to have a low IQ, poor memory, be smaller & have less testosterone than normal.
My question has to be, if "normal", heterosexual, people can control their sexual urges to fit in with social norms, why can't Paedophiles & Child Sex Abusers. It simply doesn't seem possible that they don't know that their drives & behaviours are not acceptable to the vast majority of people. If they know that children are vulnerable & defenceless how do they convince themselves that what they do is in any way OK? The fact that they hide away on the internet & lie convincingly to anyone who knows them means that they do know what they do is wrong.
It is possible to medically or physically castrate when the behaviour of Child Sex Abusers is to satisfy sexual desire. It is surprising that there hasn't been much informed public debate about this. However, when the behaviour of the abuser is driven by anger, power & control this doesn't solve the problem.
The current appalling story in the news about abuse in the Phillipines is truly shocking. "Operation Endeavour" has identified 14 countries as having Paedophiles participating in this. Families living in poverty have been paid to abuse their own children, who are traumatised by what has happened to them.
This highlights not one but two issues. What extreme poverty drives people to do & Sexual Perversion. We shouldn't just watch this unfold on TV or read about it in the newspaper. We should be outraged into action.
There is no cure, but it may be possible to reduce the incidence of the behaviour through therapy. However Paedophiles & Child Sex Abusers are usually recidivists, repeating undesirable behaviour after they have either experienced negative consequences of that behaviour, or have been treated or trained to extinguish that behaviour. Child Sex Abusers are not necessarily paedophiles though.
Paedophilia was first discovered in the 19th century. Today neurological abnormalities, personality disorders & psychological pathologies are given as reasons for the behaviours. The prevalence of Paedophiles in society is thought to be about 5%. The ratio of men to women Paedophiles is 10:1. (I was quite surprised at the figure for women).
Paedophiles are obsessive collectors of images of children which often indicate what they would like to do to children. They tend to have a low IQ, poor memory, be smaller & have less testosterone than normal.
My question has to be, if "normal", heterosexual, people can control their sexual urges to fit in with social norms, why can't Paedophiles & Child Sex Abusers. It simply doesn't seem possible that they don't know that their drives & behaviours are not acceptable to the vast majority of people. If they know that children are vulnerable & defenceless how do they convince themselves that what they do is in any way OK? The fact that they hide away on the internet & lie convincingly to anyone who knows them means that they do know what they do is wrong.
It is possible to medically or physically castrate when the behaviour of Child Sex Abusers is to satisfy sexual desire. It is surprising that there hasn't been much informed public debate about this. However, when the behaviour of the abuser is driven by anger, power & control this doesn't solve the problem.
The current appalling story in the news about abuse in the Phillipines is truly shocking. "Operation Endeavour" has identified 14 countries as having Paedophiles participating in this. Families living in poverty have been paid to abuse their own children, who are traumatised by what has happened to them.
This highlights not one but two issues. What extreme poverty drives people to do & Sexual Perversion. We shouldn't just watch this unfold on TV or read about it in the newspaper. We should be outraged into action.
Tuesday 14 January 2014
Self Medication
I am getting over a chest infection / cough & Conjunctivitis. Oddly, apparently the two can be linked. I'm used to having throat / chest problems - probably as a result of being a teacher, or maybe I just talk too much! I pick infection up easily, it is never just a cold, it always goes on for ages. Now I have to be careful because I have a heart condition - God was having an off day when s/he made me, maybe it was a Friday & s/he was looking forward to the weekend.
Here comes the rant - As well as having an eye irritation, I was very irritated by the Pharma company & anti biotic gel in a tube which was prescribed by my GP. The instructions for use of this gel are actually impossible to adhere to if you live alone.
I've had to stop using the gel, because I risk re-infecting the eye with the nozzle now it has touched the infected area. Conjunctivitis is very contageous. It is so frustrating to be forced into dependence on someone else. In my case there isn't anyone currently because I don't have a network of friends & neighbours here like I did in my last house.
OK - It's off my chest - quite literally. Now I'll try to"Let go" as described in my last blog!
Here comes the rant - As well as having an eye irritation, I was very irritated by the Pharma company & anti biotic gel in a tube which was prescribed by my GP. The instructions for use of this gel are actually impossible to adhere to if you live alone.
- I cannot get the gel into my eye without the nozzle touching the eye.
- I cannot look up while trying to get the gel in place, looking in a mirror, & holding the lower eyelid down.
- The gel continues to ooze out of the tube & I can't therefore control the amount.
- I have to use my finger nails to cut off the gel from the tube.
- Hardly any gel ends up in the eye, most is on the eyelash or rim of the eye.
I've had to stop using the gel, because I risk re-infecting the eye with the nozzle now it has touched the infected area. Conjunctivitis is very contageous. It is so frustrating to be forced into dependence on someone else. In my case there isn't anyone currently because I don't have a network of friends & neighbours here like I did in my last house.
OK - It's off my chest - quite literally. Now I'll try to"Let go" as described in my last blog!
Sunday 12 January 2014
Letting Go - Ego
I have come to the conclusion that part of the ageing process involves letting go of quite a lot of things. The obvious one is possessions as you have to downsize your house & your life. I think you do come to realise that things are not that important. What is, is the memories that are maybe attached to them. Similarly places can be evocative of an event , happy or sad, but in themselves not vital to existance.
I talked to a friend yesterday who has had to downsize from a very large rural house to a flat in London. Because of her health conditions she cannot use public transport & is reliant on friends and family & taxis to get out. So one of the things she has lost is freedom. Once you realise you have lost freedom & independence it is probably too late. By the time you no longer have it you realise just how important it is.
I'm not housebound - yet. It may or may not happen. I have, however been confined to the house by illness several times in my life. Fortunately when you are really poorly, you don't itch for freedom. But if you have chronic conditions you know freedom can be taken away at any time, hopefully briefly, & you have to learn to let go because there is no magic wand that can make you physically fit again.
You also have to learn to let go of that egotistical urge to control people & events. One of the benefits of getting older is that you realise that you cannot make people do what you want them to. (Or stop them from doing things you don't want them to). I have three friends, my age, who have very difficult mothers who seem to have lost the brake pedal on the harmful & derogatory words that come out of their mouths.What people can & will do has to fit in with the demands of their own busy lives. Good will & good behaviour are interdependent & begat caring & friendship. How you treat someone hopefully rubs, off & makes the relationship flourish. If that doesn't work, maybe we should be able to divorce friends & family for our own preservation.
I am trying to let go of expectations - of what others will do or not do, of what my life is and will be. I realise I can only have expectations of myself. I suspect that if anyone who knows me were to write a report on me, they would probably say "she tried, but didn't always succeed"! Being generous, accepting others behaviour, not being judgemental or over emotional in responses are not things that come easily. It is healthier than anger and other negative emotions though. They do more harm to the people who can't control them.
I talked to a friend yesterday who has had to downsize from a very large rural house to a flat in London. Because of her health conditions she cannot use public transport & is reliant on friends and family & taxis to get out. So one of the things she has lost is freedom. Once you realise you have lost freedom & independence it is probably too late. By the time you no longer have it you realise just how important it is.
I'm not housebound - yet. It may or may not happen. I have, however been confined to the house by illness several times in my life. Fortunately when you are really poorly, you don't itch for freedom. But if you have chronic conditions you know freedom can be taken away at any time, hopefully briefly, & you have to learn to let go because there is no magic wand that can make you physically fit again.
You also have to learn to let go of that egotistical urge to control people & events. One of the benefits of getting older is that you realise that you cannot make people do what you want them to. (Or stop them from doing things you don't want them to). I have three friends, my age, who have very difficult mothers who seem to have lost the brake pedal on the harmful & derogatory words that come out of their mouths.What people can & will do has to fit in with the demands of their own busy lives. Good will & good behaviour are interdependent & begat caring & friendship. How you treat someone hopefully rubs, off & makes the relationship flourish. If that doesn't work, maybe we should be able to divorce friends & family for our own preservation.
I am trying to let go of expectations - of what others will do or not do, of what my life is and will be. I realise I can only have expectations of myself. I suspect that if anyone who knows me were to write a report on me, they would probably say "she tried, but didn't always succeed"! Being generous, accepting others behaviour, not being judgemental or over emotional in responses are not things that come easily. It is healthier than anger and other negative emotions though. They do more harm to the people who can't control them.
Tuesday 7 January 2014
Being "in love" & Love.
Is loving someone & being in love the same thing? Can you love someone temporarily. or do you love them always "warts & all"? Can you love someone, but not like their behaviour very much? Does loving someone really blind you to those faults & behaviours? If we are lucky we have loved someone very much indeed & that being "in love" has turned into something much deeper & longer lasting. But possibly not so exciting. I think love is a very complex emotion and I'm not sure I really understand it at all.
I actually wonder whether love is an emotion, a physical drive, a result of hormones flooding the brain or something so beyond our comprehension we should just live with it. Or not , as the case may be. It seems to encompass so many different states, including pleasure, affection, attraction. kindness, compassion, desire......
Without love we wouldn't have relationships & the human race would possibly die out. Is that true? Seemingly it is possible to engage in sex without any love. Prostitution is the obvious example. You can have a child through surrogacy, IVF & using an upmarket chicken baster. So maybe the human race wouldn't come to an end if we didn't love someone. Loving someone more than ourselves - there's a challenge.
We can love our parents, a meal, a friend, a partner., an animal. ( Actually in some cases I think dogs are a lot easier to love than humans). Many people seem to find it very difficult to love themselves though, which seems rather sad. All the arts seem to extol the value of love to the human race. Some of the most sublime artistic creations personify love - in painting, music & writing.
Yet nowadays, so many people seem to be isolated and alone. So I find myself asking what happens to the human spirit when it is deprived of love? Can we exist fully in a void, without the simple joy of knowing that someone loves us just as we are? Without the caring & compassionate touch of another human being.
Sadly I think a lot of people do. They are nameless & faceless. The human flotsam of our modern world. We are pack animals with the ability to love someone else so much we would do anything for them & not count the cost to ourselves. How did we get to this state?
I actually wonder whether love is an emotion, a physical drive, a result of hormones flooding the brain or something so beyond our comprehension we should just live with it. Or not , as the case may be. It seems to encompass so many different states, including pleasure, affection, attraction. kindness, compassion, desire......
Without love we wouldn't have relationships & the human race would possibly die out. Is that true? Seemingly it is possible to engage in sex without any love. Prostitution is the obvious example. You can have a child through surrogacy, IVF & using an upmarket chicken baster. So maybe the human race wouldn't come to an end if we didn't love someone. Loving someone more than ourselves - there's a challenge.
We can love our parents, a meal, a friend, a partner., an animal. ( Actually in some cases I think dogs are a lot easier to love than humans). Many people seem to find it very difficult to love themselves though, which seems rather sad. All the arts seem to extol the value of love to the human race. Some of the most sublime artistic creations personify love - in painting, music & writing.
Yet nowadays, so many people seem to be isolated and alone. So I find myself asking what happens to the human spirit when it is deprived of love? Can we exist fully in a void, without the simple joy of knowing that someone loves us just as we are? Without the caring & compassionate touch of another human being.
Sadly I think a lot of people do. They are nameless & faceless. The human flotsam of our modern world. We are pack animals with the ability to love someone else so much we would do anything for them & not count the cost to ourselves. How did we get to this state?
Wednesday 1 January 2014
New Year Fireworks - Money to Burn?
Has the world gone mad? Am I the only sentient being left?
London spent £1.8million for 11minutes.
Sydney spent $6.8m
New York spent $1.8m
Dubai spent $6m on 500,000 fireworks for 6 minutes & set a new record in the Guinness Book of Records.
It seems that every A & B list city wants to get in on the act to be the biggest, best, longest, most spectacular, most costly event in the world. What was spent for a few minutes entertainment could wipe out the national debt of several developing world countries.
On top of the cost of the display you have to add in the clean up costs & the costs to individuals who swarm like lemmings to see the events live. Someone actually admitted that the best view was on the TV or from a helicopter. I suppose that next year some mega rich tycoon will hire one now.
In these times of dire financial hardship, war & sickness all over the world it strikes me a a massive con to give the population a brief feel good experience to encourage them to think everything's OK in their world - or will be. If we can spend these enormous sums on a bit of fun things can't really be all that bad - can they? The Romans perfected this art with their massive public displays, particularly when the Empire was in deep sh..!
Welcome 2014 - Happy new Year. For how many?
London spent £1.8million for 11minutes.
Sydney spent $6.8m
New York spent $1.8m
Dubai spent $6m on 500,000 fireworks for 6 minutes & set a new record in the Guinness Book of Records.
It seems that every A & B list city wants to get in on the act to be the biggest, best, longest, most spectacular, most costly event in the world. What was spent for a few minutes entertainment could wipe out the national debt of several developing world countries.
On top of the cost of the display you have to add in the clean up costs & the costs to individuals who swarm like lemmings to see the events live. Someone actually admitted that the best view was on the TV or from a helicopter. I suppose that next year some mega rich tycoon will hire one now.
In these times of dire financial hardship, war & sickness all over the world it strikes me a a massive con to give the population a brief feel good experience to encourage them to think everything's OK in their world - or will be. If we can spend these enormous sums on a bit of fun things can't really be all that bad - can they? The Romans perfected this art with their massive public displays, particularly when the Empire was in deep sh..!
Welcome 2014 - Happy new Year. For how many?
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