Estrangement & Conflict

People drift into & out of our lives like the waves on the beach. Some last a lifetime as a constant support & share the good & the bad. Some just drift away. Some we lose as a result of a misunderstanding or argument. It's a pattern that can bring great pleasure & also deep sadness. 

We humans are social animals. We generally care for our children, families & good friends for a lifetime. You can't just switch off love & caring because of a disagreement. You should be able to listen & really hear another's point of view. You should be able to hold fast to your own truth & challenge anothers without a total breakdown in the relationship. Tolerant argument is healthy.

Unfortunately that often doesn't happen.

I am lucky to have longstanding really good friends. But there are others that I thought were, but are no more. In each case it's because of a seismic event that fractured the relationship beyond repair, despite any efforts of mine. I am still deeply sad about that. But just occasionally something happens that reveals a flaw that neither side seems able to resolve. Estrangement results from conflicting perceptions of what is said or done & what was meant. 

That is difficult when the conflict & estrangement happens in a friendship. But all too often it happens in families. There is a balance to be achieved between parents & offspring. As the children grow up & become adult, parents have to let go & let their children make mistakes & learn from them. A degree of separation must take place so that the child can become independent & function properly. Co dependency is not healthy.

The adult child is still the child of the parent even when they are parents themselves. The emotional ties are very strong & can sometimes cause friction. It is tragic for everyone when estrangement happens in a family. Often it is because the "child" blames the parent for something they perceive the parent did or didn't do - said or didn't say. Tolerance & understanding go out of the window because the "child" feels emotional hurt & actually isn't capable of seeing the situation from the point of view of the parent. The parent is probably trying to shield the child whilst having adult difficulties to face.

This then affects generations because it isn't just the "child" & the "parent" who are affected. The grandchildren effectively lose their grandparents & vice versa. Parents don't have the right to divorce their children from the grandparents unless the grandparents are toxic in some way. It is a really important relationship. Hopefully when the grandchildren are old enough they will want to make their own minds up & not be swayed by the possibly biased view of either side.

Conflict resolution is a skill that demands effort on both sides. Being entrenched in your own position will never resolve anything. Sadly that seems to be becoming more "normal" in todays world.