Being 80

I will be 80 next week. Every day I think about the increasing odds that I won’t be here tomorrow. That fact isn’t difficult to deal with. The uncertainty of “how” is. This is the 16^th year of living alone & learning to cope with life. I value my independence. I value my own routine. I don’t want to have to rely on someone else unless absolutely necessary.

My daughter & her family live a few minutes away, but they all have busy lives. Currently its been 9 days since I have seen or spoken to any of them. I understand that. I experienced it all myself – a profession, a family, & a social life takes time & effort. But it is hard to feel that you are “out of sight & out of mind” of those closest to you.

Living to this age makes me realise that I could have done better myself with my parents & in laws. But that self knowledge only comes with age & experience. My husband & I had a difficult relationship with both my parents & his. The generation gap between us was huge. The generation gap now between me & my family is equally huge. “T’was ever thus” – (Dickens “Old Curiosity Shop”).

I don’t believe, as my mother did, & I suspect my mother in law did, that a child owes their parent a debt of gratitude & has responsibility for them in their old age or infirmity. Parents choose to have children & do owe them care & protection that does last a lifetime. Separation of children from their parents as they enter adulthood is normal & important. That is hard for parents to cope with. Some never let go.

I don’t believe that you can force your children & grandchildren to love & respect you. They have to want to love you & care for you. They have to want to know what you have been doing & how you are. They have to want to visit you or phone & chat. A WhatsApp or text isn't the same.

In my view when we are young adults we are self absorbed. We are time poor. We have to balance a job, running a home, a life & relationships. We compartmentalise & often prioritise ourselves & what we want or our immediate family & friends demand. We might sympathise with other peoples lives & problems but we are unable to fully empathise with situations we have not experienced.

When you are old your perspectives change. If you are thoughtful & introspective you gain insight with a lifetime of experience.

The reality of being alone at 80 is that I could have an accident, a stroke or a heart attack at any time. I could die peacefully in my sleep or I could be in pain. When that happens I could be alone in the house & no one would know. Possibly for days or even weeks. It happened to my mother in law.

Hopefully the probability is small. But I have no way of knowing & there is nothing else I can do to be safer. But I am lucky. I designed, renovated and adapted a home & I wear a tele-alarm. I have good friends who I hope might notice I’m not doing the things I normally do.

But the reality is that its all a gamble. My life could end at any time, (as could yours). So I think it’s important to try to achieve something every day & make living purposeful. We all need to feel it’s worth getting up in the morning.