Christmas - Being Alone, Solitude, Lonliness - Coping

This is the time of year which is very difficult for a lot of people. They are surrounded by images which have little or no bearing on their actual lives - Christmas. Giving & receiving gifts, Tables loaded with scrumptious food & drink, Parties, Happy Families, Smiling children. Stores & TV adverts deluge us in jolly Christmas music....It's all so false. Whatever reason we originally started to celebrate Christmas in the distant past has been lost, drowned in a deluge of consumerism & superficiality.

People who live alone, however good most of their friends & family are, know they simply have no idea what it's like to be alone - all the time. Coping with absolutely everything yourself & being on your own the vast majority of the time - Waking up every day alone, eating every meal alone, watching TV alone in the evenings.....For some people, knowing that the chances of dying on their own are increasing as time passes. The happy family image is far, far away from so many people's actual experience.

Then there are the "just about managing", the destitute & homeless. People for whom Christmas just highlights how far away they are from the images. The Big Issue sellers in Summertown, P & D, are more concerned about paying their energy bills than Christmas food.

We who are fortunate all spend too much at Christmas. I walked past at least 7 homeless people sleeping in shop doorways in Oxford's main street last Saturday. What on earth does Christmas mean to them? The street was thronged with shoppers carrying packages, walking past as if they didn't exist.

 

Councils are housing 120,540 children with their families in temporary shelter, an increase of 32,650 extra children since 2014. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/social-housing-homeless-children-temporary-accomodation-rise-40-per-cent-over-third-a7853861.html

Whatever income group we belong to, whatever our circumstances,  we cope with our lives - There isn't a choice. We, the fortunate, should stop & think. We should do something positive, not just at Christmas.

Christmas is like Angels breath, it is a mirage, it doesn't exist.

Our Cities - Human Disconnect

I was in Oxford city centre yesterday - a place I avoid if possible - I still haven't been to the new Westgate Centre, despite a shiny new John Lewis store. It was already a city overcrowded with a seething mass of humanity, before this new temple to overspending opened. I simply don't find it at all pleasant to fight my way through all the people. Nothing I want seems worth the effort & I am quickly completely exhausted.

Whatever brings everyone into this beautiful old city, & they do come here for many different reasons, they make it a place that you cannot enjoy. Simply making your way from one place to another is a slow & tortuous lack of progress because of the tide of humanity.

So, I only go in when I'm ushering at The Playhouse Theatre, or when I have something specific I need to buy which I can't buy on line. Isn't that sad? I live in one of the worlds best tourist destinations & tourists are some of the people who are making it a "No Go Area" for residents.

Seeing this seething mass of humanity does make one think about the disconnect there is now between people. Everyone is intent on going somewhere & doing something. In Oxford usually in groups - tourists & students & of course shoppers.  I feel sorry for workers who have to face this every day.

People, either individually, in pairs, or in groups, have their own imaginary conveyor belt on which to travel to their destination at their own speed. People who are in a hurry are constantly blocked & frustrated by people who amble, don't know where they are, or where they are going, or who want to take photos or look. There is usually no human connection whatsoever, other than possibly locals helping non locals. Or the interraction between members of a tour group, usually very large & usually oblivious to the needs of other pedestrians. Or the interraction between groups of students, usually equally oblivious, but louder.

Shopping & Tourism - Joint biggest income generators in a world where making something is becoming more & more unusual. "UK households are expected to spend a total of £3bn during the Black Friday sales despite the fact that only 8 per cent of shoppers plan to buy most of their Christmas presents there". "Britain will have a tourism industry worth over £257 billion by 2025 – just under 10% of UK GDP and supporting almost 3.8 million jobs, which is around 11% of the total UK number".

We are changing the face of our cities, our economy & our interraction with eachother. Our cities are simply marketplaces for spending & consumerism - in a real sense when you look at the huge number of places to eat & drink. I walked past an Italian restaurant yesterday on my way to the theatre & the queue was well out into the street - Blocking the pavement even more! Eating is no longer something to be savoured with family & friends - "fast food" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Not sure I like this Western, largely reasonably affluent, world much. I think the Slow Movement, with it's emphasis on making connections, has got a lot going for it. http://www.slowmovement.com/ 

Nakedness

I used to have recurring dreams that I was naked in public situations. I'm sure a shrink would identify that as an anxiety dream. 

A 14 year old boy who sent a naked selfie to a girl on snapchat was recorded as making and distributing an indecent image. The girl shared the image with his classmates, so technically she was the one distributing it. I wonder why she isn't equally, if not more, culpable? This is not unusual behaviour today, but it raises a lot of questions, not least of which is our attitudes to nakedness.

Obviously there are "Naturist" places in most countries. I'll never forget a holiday in Maspalomas Grand Canaria & coming face to face with a mans dangly bits as I was climbing up a sand dune which he was descending! (I was clothed at the time). There are also still tribal areas where nakedness is perfectly normal, in Africa & South America for example. Then there are the "famous" people in the public eye who parade in the skimpiest clothing which leaves little to the imagination & is far more overtly sexual than simply being naked. Their images are everywhere for children to see. TV & film now leaves nothing whatsoever to the imagination in sex scenes - The actors may just as well be actually having intercourse. Maybe they are? Children can access this, & worse, on their computers.

I understand that we do not encourage the sexualisation of children, & 14 is still a child to my mind, although I imagine that 14 year olds would probably not agree with me. I do find this current case worrying on many levels though. 

Why do we have this prudish & negative attitude to our bodies? What is so offensive about being naked? There are only two variables, male & female, but we do come in different shapes & sizes. 

If  children are curious about their bodies, isn't this normal & part of growing up? Maybe parents should be asking themselves whether they have given their children an informed, healthy & sensible attitude to nudity. Is nudity accepted as a "normal" part of family life? If not, why not? Because if healthy attitudes are not fostered within the family, who else should be doing it? It's too late by the time children get to school. Do we really want our kids educated by schoolyard smut & gossip?

I feel very sorry for this young boy. I can't imagine what harm this media feeding frenzy has done to him. The police have been heavy handed. His mother has ensured that he can't escape continued embarassment in this social media age. He was silly, but aren't you allowed to be silly & make mistakes at his age? 

Sexual Harassment - Touching, Petting, Erogenous Zones & Assault.

The current furore about sexual harassment is worryingly very close to "Trial by Media". Since when are people accused of crimes stripped of awards, made to resign & made into social pariahs overnight? Who gives the media the right to be judge & jury & sway public opinion to the extent that lives are completely ruined?

That isn't to say that I don't completely abhor the sexual harassment, which frankly, is routine in womens lives. I'm 72. I don't believe that there is a woman of my age who hasn't had to put up with sexual harassment of one sort or another in their lives, usually on a regular basis until they reach a certain age.

There is an general acceptance that "boys will be boys" & drunk "boys" will be at the least a pain in the backside - literally sometimes & at worst cause women to be seriously worried about their safety. It has been like that for as long as I can remember. It's the age old women are "whores or madonnas" & there are a lot more whores who are "asking for it" than madonnas who are more of a challenge.

We need to differentiate between the levels of unwanted invasion of our bodies & personal space. At the bottom of the scale is touching. I went to see a film with friends this week & touched N's knee at least twice. I don't think he minded, but in this febrile atmosphere that is classed as assault. Personally I think thats plain silly. But the husband of a friend, who put his hand up my skirt when I had a dinner party, when I was much younger & reasonably attractive, is a different matter entirely. I was shocked but I ignored it. He gambled, rightly, that I wouldn't make a fuss because I wouldn't want to cause his wife embarrasment.

I've never been raped, thank goodness, but I have had much more serious attentions when I have been drunk. I didn't know how to deal with it. I think alcohol plays a big part in this. Both men and women need to realise just how much alcohol changes your ability to make good choices. It supresses psychological inhibitions, slows reaction times & impairs memory. We will all do things when drunk that we wouldn't do sober. I've never been involved with drugs, but I imagine they have a similar effect on behaviour & addicts will do a lot to get more.

If a predatory man stimulates arousal in his victims erogenous zones they will not be thinking & acting wisely, their body will take over & they will be very vulnerable. A man who habitually harasses women, or men, will know just how to manipulate his victim. A serial perpetrator will have this down to a fine art - it's all about power. Power to make someone do something they don't want to & wouldn't normally do. 

The thing is there should be an open discussion about this & how we deal with it effectively both individually & as a society. We need a change of culture & we need sanctions which are effective.
Like smoking in public places & drink driving - it needs to become openly discussed and made totally unacceptable.

By the way boys, don't imagine that this has anything to do with mutual attraction or flirting - It doesn't. There's a difference.