Disappointment & The World Cup

England lost a football match against Argentina. Possibly there was a wrong decision about substitutes, possibly not. Argentina brought politics into their celebrations & will hopefully be disciplined. Thousands of people will be disappointed & thousands will celebrate. It is just a game. It's good to have something that gives people great pleasure & hope. But it is just a game.

Life is full of disappointments, losing a football match shouldn't be that important in that context. We all need to learn the lesson of losing gracefully, trying to see the positives, congratulating the winners. The England team undoubtedly did their best. No one should ask more than that.

I watched the build up to the world cup in the news. It was full of unrealistic statements that must have put pressure on the players & their manager & coaches. I've been a fan of individual tennis players for decades, but have never been so blinded that I thought they would always win, although some top players seem to. I got bored with Laver winning Wimbledon all the time & Rosewall never. 

There is a difference between supporting your player or team & being blindly obsessed. There is certainly no excuse for the sort of jeering & trolling that disappointed football fans engage in. Imagine how that must make players feel when they have just given their all to try to win. Some fans said it was the biggest disappointment in their lifetime. All I can say is if that's true they have led a charmed life. There are far worse disappointments.

Very few people go through life without major disappointment, I can think of many. I'm sure readers can too. We have to learn how to deal with disappointment. It isn't necessarily an ending. It can often encourage a change of direction, a new beginning. We should try to see it as an opportunity. 

Time

"Time & tide wait for no man" is a proverb dating back to at least 1225. There are numerous sayings about time.

 

We live our lives at such a pace that we now talk about being "time poor". We have allowed ourselves to become overly busy in the "developed world". We seem to have lost balance in our lives, lost the capacity for peace, introspection, doing nothing. We are teaching our children to be seekers after instant gratification, to need constant stimulation & have very short attention spans. We have even given it a name & made it into a medical disorder - ADHD. The symptoms appear before age 12 & are inattention, hyperactivity & impulsivity that interfere with daily functioning. It can continue into adulthood. Many experts agree that society has medicalised normal human emotions & behaviours turning everyday stress, grief, and shyness into clinical conditions. For example labelling natural grief as major depression, treating normal childhood high energy as ADHD, and turning daily work stress into generalized anxiety.

When you age you notice the passage of time more I think. You seem to travel onwards to the final stop ever faster. Days, weeks & months pass in a blur of speed. Seasons & years too. Oddly, at the same time many of us elderly people become much slower, both physically & mentally. We are like grandfather clocks winding down. But there is no key to wind us up again. We have the time to think even if we don't have the energy to do & we have a lifetime of experience.

To many, that experience is irrelevant, out of date. However we have the benefit of seeing the patterns. Over time things repeat, not just history. Fashion for example. I've just bought some linen culottes. They were in fashion in the 60's - 70's & the 90's. We know when our world is going down a path it has gone down before. We often know what is at the end of that path. 

Sadly, we are so irrelevant we are no longer listened to. As Dickens said in "The old Curiosity Shop" "Twas ever thus". We are all living in "Groundhog Day" but the dangers are increasing & we aren't adapting well. 

 

Heat Impact

According to the Met office temperatures of 35°C or higher have now been recorded for the first time in May, June and July of the same year in the UK weather record, as heatwave conditions continue through the weekend and into next week. We have had a record eight days with temperatures exceeding 34°C, surpassing the previous record held in 1976 and 2020. This is exceptional warmth over several months. We have had red, amber & yellow heat warnings.

Fire chiefs are concerned about the wildfire risk. Medics are concerned about heat associated ill health. People trying to escape exceptional heat by wild swimming are dying. Excess deaths across Europe are expected to be over 20,000. Average UK A&E attendances exceeded 80,000 for the first time ever in June. During the June heatwave there was a 118% increase in the number of times 999 emergency call takers directed members of the public to collect a nearby defibrillator for someone in suspected cardiac arrest. More than 1,000 schools across the UK were either closed or partially closed during the June heatwave. Supermarkets across the UK have struggled to keep their fridge and freezer units running in the extreme heat, with many shoppers finding empty shelves at their local store, including my local M&S. The knock on effect of man made climate change is obvious to see.

 

Personally I am struggling to exist. During the heatwaves I have hardly left the house. I am lucky because I have a north facing downstairs room I can spend most time in with the shutters closed. It's not just uncomfortable, it is actually almost unbearable. My pacemaker is helping but I am finding it difficult to do anything. My body can't keep my core temperature down. Any exertion makes me breathless. My underlying health conditions are exacerbated by the heat & I find walking, even round the house, exhausting. By the afternoon there is no respite anywhere. Despite trying to distract myself from the exhaustion of the heat, it is difficult to concentrate.

However there must be so many people much worse off than me. People who have to continue working, especially those wearing uniforms like first responders. Elderly or sick people living alone with no help. People having to continue looking after their families as well as themselves. People living in unsuitable housing, particularly high rise flats. 

We are not prepared or adapted for this in the UK. Yes, of course climate varies. But this is truly exceptional. Denying that will get us nowhere. We need to scour the world for best practice in getting CO2 emissions down & transitioning from fossil fuels to renewables. We all need to accept that the necessary changes will be difficult.  

There really is no plan B. Climate Change, like it or not, is here & won't go away unless there is Human Change.  

Migration

The world is ocean & land. There are barriers to travel, but there are no actual borders. Every living thing has the capacity to migrate. Plants set seeds & move across the earth. Birds fly across oceans to other landfall. I remember being in Kenya watching the annual Great Wildebeest Migration, one of the most spectacular natural events on Earth. Driven by weather and the search for fresh grazing, over 1.5 million wildebeest, alongside hundreds of thousands of zebras and gazelles, make an arduous 1,800-mile round trek between the Serengeti in Tanzania and the Masai Mara in Kenya. 

 

This movement is to find better conditions for life. Better habitats & ecosystems. It's all about survival, not just of the fittest, but everybody, whatever their race, religion or culture. 

Humans are not exempt from this basic urge to optimise the conditions under which they live. But humans want to control. Humans take defining their territory to extremes. They have maps with artificial country boundaries. They build walls & fences. They have laws. They defend their territory against incomers.

 

As I have aged I have become more & more aware of the futility of this. We are fighting against our own kind. We are literally dehumanising ourselves in order to protect our own small piece of "property". But we don't own the land we stand on, whether it is our home or our country. We are simply the current tenants. We die, the land & ocean remain in perpetuity.

We differentiate between refugees & migrants. Some are acceptable, some aren't. If they are persecuted & / or have skills we want, they are higher up in the pecking order. If they are economic migrants, young & male they are at the bottom. We choose who we will help & who we won't.

I do understand the complexities of the mass migrations we have seen due to war, disaster & economic failure. I also understand the argument that we in the UK are at the end of a long migration route during which migrants travel through other "safe" countries. I understand that our landmass is significantly smaller that France, Germany or Turkey for example. It can be argued that the UK has less capability to accommodate thousands of migrants. 

But, & it's a big but, we, in the so called "developed world," have things that others don't. Above all we have security & democracy. We have relatively sophisticated infrastructure - water, electricity, food security, education, healthcare, a justice system....These things may well have flaws, but they work relative to poor countries.or counties ravaged by war & disaster.

Surely our basic humanity, whether we are religious or not, means that we should share? We should not pass by on the other side. We should be "good Samaritans"?

There is no simple answer. It requires international cooperation of the countries receiving the migrations to equally share the burden. It also requires the problems at source to be tackled effectively. 

At the moment we are doing neither.  

Regret & Public Inquiries

To an extent regret is pointless. You can only regret something you have or haven't done or said. It's the past, regret can't change it. But you can apologise. You can try to put things right. You can acknowledge that you have made a mistake or caused hurt or real harm.

I can think of many things that I regret over my 80 years. I'm fallible, I make mistakes. Some I'm not prepared to mention here. I do think I could have been less judgemental at times. I could have been less volatile, less emotional. I think I did my best as a parent, but I could undoubtedly have done better by today's safeguarding standards. I certainly think I could have tried to understand my parents better & been a less difficult teenager. On the whole I hope I was fairly average, but there are sins due to thoughtlessness, being headstrong & convinced I was right. I was, & am still very intolerant of unfairness. I always wanted to reform people or organisations I thought didn't operate fairly or effectively.

Hopefully I haven't done anyone any real harm.

What I find difficult to understand is why many people today are incapable of expressing regret, can't admit they are wrong, don't take responsibility for mistakes. It applies to politicians for example, very few resign when they probably should. The NHS seems much more willing to try to cover up mistakes until they are forced to admit them by public inquiries. Maternity services have had 3 major inquiries - Ockenden, Kirkup & Morecambe Bay, plus 2 Systematic reviews. How many does it need for something to actually be done to put things right?

There are 5 ongoing UK Public Inquiries this year covering healthcare & security. UK public inquiries usually last 2 - 5 years. Major ones can last 5 -13 years. The average cost of a UK public inquiry is £17.4 million. It can be more. The taxpayer spends over £200 million per annum on active inquiries & the figure is increasing.

Why? Well Inquiries are heavily adversarial and run by top-tier lawyers, barristers, and judges whose hourly rates dominate the budget. They must be the only people who benefit. Also data & administration costs are massive. Sifting through hundreds of thousands of WhatsApp messages, emails, and physical corporate documents requires expensive digital forensic infrastructure. It all takes time & add to the huge cost.

I'm not saying we shouldn't find out what has gone wrong. I am saying that all of this money could be better spent if we had a culture of admitting mistakes & trying to put things right. But we have followed the American model of litigation, so people are afraid of being sued if they do something wrong. Personal liability means that individuals & whole departments cover up. 

I'm really tired of hearing that "we must make sure this never happens again". It doesn't work. History repeats itself over & over again. We have to accept that things do go wrong. The important thing is to improve & put in more safeguards each time they do.

 

Public Inquiries are thought to be no longer fit for purpose. So we need to find a better way, because the public feel that they can only get at the truth through an Inquiry & the truth matters. To everyone.  

Emergencies

A sudden, unexpected, unforeseen and dangerous situation that threatens health, life, property, or the environment and requires immediate action to prevent worsening results. For example - a medical crisis, fires, toxic fumes or gases, natural disasters, violent crimes....

In a well run society there will be emergency first responders who act quickly to deal with the situation. There will be protocols that those responders adhere to in order to be as efficient as possible. They will be well equipped. They will hopefully be as well trained as possible to cope with very difficult situations. There will be hospitals ready to care for the injured - In an ideal world.

But we don't live in an ideal world.

We live in an unstable & volatile world, fraught with war & severe political unrest & mismanagement. We in the UK are relatively lucky. For all of the failings of decades that have led to the situation today, we are still a functioning reasonably democratic state.

That isn't true of a country like Venezuela. Despite vast oil & mineral reserves it is economically impoverished with widespread poverty. It is also one of the most politically corrupt nations of the world -  A dictatorship under Maduro. More than 7 million Venezuelans fled the country, one of the largest migration crises in the world.

Now Venezuela is dealing with exceptional earthquakes on Wednesday - tremors of magnitude 7.2 and 7.5 struck within 39 seconds of each other west of the capital Caracas. 235 are known to be dead, but that will rise. 40,000 are missing & 4,300 are known to be injured. All those figures will rise.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/venezuela-earthquake-caracas-terremoto-death-toll-map-live-b3003427.html 

I cannot imagine the horror of living in a failed state, enduring such a catastrophic disaster, when the emergency services simply don't exist. There will undoubtedly be aftershocks. UK charities are asking for donations from the generous public to help & I'm sure they will get money. Charities like ShelterBox have already decided to sent teams out to Venezuela despite the undoubted danger they will face. They send out emergency shelter & basics for displaced people & have a huge amount of experience in situations like this. 

 

 https://shelterboxusa.org/welcome/

Charities like ShelterBox need our support as do the people facing emergencies.  

 

Manners & Respect

Socially accepted codes of conduct & polite behaviour, showing respect for others feelings & comfort. A framework for societal interaction which varies according to culture. Differences in norms can create misunderstandings & problems.

 

Do they matter? Well, yes. They demonstrate you care about others & aren't completely self centred. People are more comfortable in social situations if behaviours are predictable. Hopefully there is less friction & misunderstandings.

The language you use is important - please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry.... Listening & not interrupting. Respecting boundaries & personal space. Hygiene, (I was very irritated by someone who had a nasty chest infection, continually coughing without covering her mouth. We were a group in a small room.) ....

I think manners are closely linked with respect. Sadly, my impression is that both have diminished over my lifetime. Little things, like if I'm driving & I give way to someone & they don't raise a hand to say thank you, annoy me. Young / healthy people sitting in the priority bus seats for the elderly, disabled or pregnant are infuriating. People sitting on the aisle seat with an empty window seat & not moving when the bus is full. Being buzzed by cyclists / scooters when I'm struggling to walk on the pavement. Similarly groups of children / teenagers walking side by side & occupying the whole width of the pavement so I have to step into the gutter or very edge of the pavement. I could go on, but it is all commonplace. It is the norm & it shouldn't be. 

Lack of manners & respect seems to be cross generational, it isn't just the young. It also seems to be across genders & ethnicity. Different cultures have different norms of behaviour. Living in a culture different to your own can be tricky to navigate, but I would argue that it is your responsibility to adjust.

We learn social behaviours from our parents, family & friends. The UK is still a class based society dependent on wealth or lack of it, so upbringing varies hugely. The problem now would appear to be that there are divisions & differences in what is acceptable which is causing social unrest. 

We need to tackle the root of this. We need a more equitable society. 

 

Uniform

When I went to Grammar school at age 11 in 1956 my parents had to buy me a whole new set of clothes & shoes - Startright shoes, very expensive. Velour winter hat & summer one too, gym kit, even navy blue knickers! Summer & winter uniform, including a blazer, only available from one shop in Birmingham. It was an expense that I now realise they could not afford. Up till that point my mother had made most of my clothes. 

In theory school uniform is good because it levels the social playing field, reduces peer pressure & limits fashion related issues. It also possibly promotes school unity. Arguments against include suppressing individuality, creating financial burdens & the clothing being uncomfortable or restrictive. I have fluctuated in my opinion over time as a teacher & headteacher. I actually hated wearing my uniform at grammar school, especially the hat. When I was a head teacher I was against uniformity & in favour of individuality. Now I think that the availability of cheaper supermarket clothes & flexibility of which items children wear or don't wear is a good compromise. There is more choice. 

 

We humans seem to like uniforms & uniformity. The armed forces are immensely proud of theirs. Healthcare workers, emergency responders, the police, transport staff, sportspeople, construction workers, ....Even trades like painters & decorators. It does make sense in many ways. These people are immediately recognisable. Their uniforms are often protective. They don't have to risk damaging their own clothes & replace them. 

But people are not uniform. We are all individuals with commonalities & different traits & beliefs. The concerning thing today seems to be the tribalism that is widespread. Left wing, right wing, extremists, religious beliefs, conspiracy theorists, feminists, misogynists, racists, ..... We humans are social, we want to belong, we like to be in a group. We don't want to be outsiders. We dislike being ostracised. Isolation & loneliness are common societal problems in all age groups. Sometimes that can lead to "groupthink" - a psychological phenomenon where the desire for harmony or conformity within a group results in irrational or dysfunctional decision making. 

Why? Maybe we are too afraid of difference. Maybe we are not confident enough in our own opinions. Maybe we just want to be whatever "normal" is. But being critical, dissenting, is not wrong. There is definitely pressure to conform, but that is not good. We all need to listen to differing opinions, look for evidence one way or another & then make up our minds. 

We all need to be able to speak out & take action. 

 

Stimulus, Action & Reaction

A stimulus is a detectable change. Action is the accomplishment of a thing usually over a period of time, in stages, or with the possibility of repetition. A reaction is any action, feeling or behaviour that occurs as a response to a specific stimulus, event or situation. The term spans multiple disciplines, covering psychological responses, physical symptoms, and scientific interactions. 

I find myself wondering why, for so many people, the action / reaction is often abuse. Both verbal & physical. Currently there is the news about the rioting resulting from the police handling of the murder of a 19 year old student Henry Nowak by a Sikh, Vikram Digwa. Also the Jewish concerns about racism in the NHS. 

In both cases surely the first reaction should be concern at what happened. Then, shouldn't we all want to know the actual facts of the case before we weigh in with our reactions? Shouldn't we be well aware of how both of these things are politically charged & subject to misinformation & conspiracy theories. Shouldn't we turn to verifiable sources for information rather than the hotbed of social media & trolls?

What is it that makes people so quick to anger & turn to physical violence & verbal abuse? How, in a so called democratic & civilised society, does that become expected as the norm? Surely we all know what is acceptable behaviour & what is not? We know what is criminal. How has mob rule become such a frequent reaction?

Apparently this behaviour is driven by a complex interplay of biological dispositions, social conditioning, cognitive biases & situational triggers. These behaviours feed off the roots of frustration, power imbalance & the erosion of individual accountability. Individuals or groups feel marginalised, deprived, or threatened & aggression can become a mechanism to regain control or assert power. Impulsive aggression is linked to neurobiological elements (e.g. serotonin imbalances) and psychological factors like a lack of empathy or unresolved childhood trauma. People who witness domestic violence, bullying, or systemic discrimination growing up are significantly more likely to normalise and replicate these behaviours.

Recent research looked into single mother households in the UK. 9 in 10 of single parent households are headed by a mother, which is approximately 84 - 89% of single parents. An estimated 2.5 - 2.7 million children do not have a father figure or male role model. Single mothers do an amazing & difficult job on the whole. But children do need good male & female role models to learn how to be adults. Both girls & boys need a consistent, good, male influence, which doesn't necessarily have to be a biological father. 

https://genuinefutures.co.uk/news-resources/britain-is-facing-an-epidemic-of-fatherlessness-and-the-cost-is-being-paid-by-our-children

 

However, many people who have experienced these factors manage to become adults who do not exhibit this anti social behaviour. There must be something else in play. Whatever the causes, the behaviour is completely unacceptable & is very destructive. Innocent people are caught up in the violence & abuse. 

We must find a way to channel parental & educational influences to counteract this. We must accentuate good role models. We adults must lead by example & be prepared to call out unacceptable behaviour. 

We must not pass by on the other side.  

Violence & Abuse.

I am quite ashamed to say that I smacked my daughter when she was little. I also smacked children when I was a teacher. There is no defence. Not even that it was" normal" at the time, (it was the 60's). I had been hit as a child & a teenager. Naughtiness does not warrant physical punishment. What child isn't naughty?

Thank goodness we know better now. Any physical violence against anyone is unacceptable. So if we know better, why are we such a violent society & world? Why are some people unable to control their emotions to the point that they will hurt & injure others? Even kill?

There are 3 main types of violence. Physical violence occurs when someone uses their body or an object to control a person's actions. Sexual violence occurs when a person is forced to unwillingly take part in sexual activity. Emotional violence occurs when someone says or does something to make a person feel stupid or worthless. The Council of Europe Istanbul Convention lists 10 types of violence.

https://www.coe.int/en/web/gender-matters/types-of-gender-based-violence

Statistics for violence against women are deeply concerning. In 2025 an estimated 840 million women, almost 1 in 3 have been subject to violence according to https://www.unwomen.org/en/articles/facts-and-figures/facts-and-figures-ending-violence-against-women  In 2024, around 50,000 women and girls worldwide were killed by their intimate partners or other family members. It is shocking.

Then there is war.  

According to the latest VIEWS (Violence & Impacts Early Warning System) forecast for state-based armed conflict, the estimated number of battle-deaths in 2026 is: 

• Ukraine: 28,300
• Palestine/Israel: 7,700
• Sudan: 4,300
• Pakistan: 2,000
• Nigeria: 1,900
• Ethiopia: 1,800
• Somalia: 1,700
• Syria: 1,400
• Yemen: 1,300
• Burkina Faso: 1,200

Global conflict data for 2025 / 26 indicates that tens of thousands of civilians & combatants have been injured across multiple major ongoing wars. Because of the chaos of war, exact comprehensive global figures are impossible to compile, but specific conflict zone reports give a clear sense of the scale.

It is difficult to avoid the conclusion that we humans are becoming more violent & uncontrolled. According to international statistics men are responsible for 85 - 90 % of violent crime. In the UK for attempted murders, serious assaults, and robberies, women makeup only a small fraction (often under 10%) of arrests for these specific offences.

We need to ask why some men are so violent. It's a complex interplay of biological factors, socialisation, and gender norms. It is important to understand that while men are statistically the primary perpetrators of violent crime, the vast majority of men are not violent.

• Testosterone promotes dominant & status seeking behaviours.
• The pre frontal cortex, which regulates impulse control, develops differently. Sometimes predisposing boys to be more physically reactive to stress.
• Boys may be socialised to traditional masculine ideas of toughness & dominance.
• Boys may be socialised to suppress emotions. 

Whatever the causes, routine violence seems to me to have increased over my lifetime. Almost to the point that we accept it as the norm. It isn't normal. It isn't acceptable & we should be doing more to stop it.

 

 

 

"Dear England", Tolerance, Machismo & the Internet

Over the years I think I have changed a little. I think I have become more measured & tolerant. This may well be a complete delusion, but I hope not. If ageing brings anything, surely it should be experience & understanding leading to tolerance.

Watching the BBC drama doc "Dear England" made me think a lot about masculinity as well as football. I have to admit football is a closed book to me. But I do understand the concept of team playing. I also admire the dedication & skill of any elite sportsman. But I was made to think about the pressures on everyone involved in elite sport. It is so easy to dismiss footballers as overpaid, entitled & full of machismo & self absorption.

This well acted drama made me think again. 

In a way it is a commentary on maleness. It highlights the weight of expectation on not just athletes & teams, but on the whole infrastructure around them. That in turn makes you think about what it is like to grow up as a boy in today's society. I would never have contemplated the lifelong trauma of missing a penalty & losing a game without watching "Dear England". I hope I intellectually understand the sheer destructiveness of racism. But this drama brought home it's cruelty & mindlessness - It's bullying. 

The lessons this production teaches are not just related to one sport. We see the vulnerability & emotional reticence of being a boy or man in 21st century England. Where does this begin?  Well it seems obvious to me it begins in the home. It begins with parenting. It begins with the role models of parents & family. It is definitely related to what we all expect a boy or a man to be.

 

A football pitch is a huge space, as is the world we live in. Finding your place in it can be very difficult. 

We think we have become more tolerant & understanding & Southgate, who was England manager from 2016 - 2024, certainly shows us a different way to be masculine. But somewhere along the way we have gone wrong. It isn't a new thing. Why is there still such a difference in the way that girls & boys are parented? 

The average age of first exposure to pornography for boys today is between 10 and 13. Roughly 50% of boys are in that statistic. What does that show about how those boys have been brought up? Pornography normalises unrealistic sexual expectations, distorts views on consent, and impacts adolescent brain development and impulse control. By age 16, approximately 70% of boys watch porn multiple times per week, resulting in higher rates of emotional disturbance, anxiety, and problematic sexualised behaviours.

The reason for that previous paragraph is children's easy access to the internet & social media. Laptops, iPads & mobile phones put unacceptable content right into the hands of children. The tech billionairs are so driven by profit that they do not face up to the fact that they destroy lives by not adequately policing what children can access. 

So we as adults, parents & politicians must force them to take responsibility for the harms. But we must take a measure of responsibility too. We have allowed this to happen.   

Difficult Conversations

The dilemma of how to say something to others, when you know that it may, at best, be taken the wrong way & at worst cause confrontation, argument & hurt, is difficult to handle. The judgement call is a fine line. Should you say anything at all? Should you just "bite your lip" & pretend the problem doesn't exist? Should you be true to yourself & face up to the issue?

I don't think there is a straightforward answer. There are so many variables - the personalities involved, the importance of the issue, the circumstances surrounding it....My gut feeling is always to bring things out into the open & discuss them. But I know that is a touch selfish, because I am not good at going along with something I don't agree with for a quiet life. The issue nags away at me. It may keep me awake at night. I go over conversations in my head. Especially when it involves people I love or like a lot. 

But life is not straightforward. Life is a bumpy ride. We all need to learn how to deal with problems, arguments & confrontation. We all need to be true to our own sense of right or wrong - of fairness. We also need to learn how to broach issues in a tactful & sympathetic way, trying to be rational & keep emotion at bay. In order to do it well we need to listen as much or more than speak. We need empathy & understanding. There are far more grey areas than black & white ones. 

We also need to be able to apologise if we are wrong or accept apology if the other person is. We need to be able to forgive. As Alexander Pope said "To err is human, to forgive divine". 

The thing that concerns me about politics today is that politicians don't seem to be able, or allowed, to "Speak truth unto Power". This means courageously challenging authority, calling out injustice, or sharing critical feedback without fear of retaliation. It originates from a 1955 civil rights and pacifist pamphlet by the American Friends Service Committee. Which is ironic when it seems that few people are speaking truth to the president of the United States who is becoming more & more unpredictable, volatile & downright unhinged in his utterings & behaviour.

My current dilemma is to withdraw from doing something that isn't working for me, without giving offence. Sometimes you do just have to do what is best for you regardless of how others will interpret it. That isn't self centred, it's being pragmatic & having integrity. But that doesn't stop it being difficult. 

 

Repetition

My personal data base is full. So my systems sometimes become confused. This means that I may be becoming quite annoying, repeating things I have already said. I am not necessarily aware of this, but can see that it could be irritating to those nearest & dearest to me. I also have words & patterns of speech that are repetetive, most of us do. The classic is the pointless use of the word "like" dotted throughout every sentence. Personally I find that hugely irritating.

Use of language is important. Words matter. I wonder if we are so use to texts, WhatsApps, emails & all the short form communications today, that we have forgotten how to verbally communicate clearly & well. 

When I listen to the news on radio 4 it is striking that the presenter asks a question, usually straightforwardly & clearly. The interviewee, particularly politicians, may well not want to answer. So they prevaricate by answering a different question of their own to get other information across that they do want the audience to hear. There follows an irascible ding dong of repetition of the actual question & the non answer. It is very unedifying.

I find that on a more personal scale, when contentious subjects are being discussed, often people don't really listen to what the other party says. There is a tendency to hold fast to their own point of view & repeat it over & over. I have sometimes tried to disengage from arguments like this by saying "we will have to agree to disagree". But it often doesn't work. Sometimes people cannot let go. It appears that they feel that repetition will convince me that I am wrong & they are right.

We humans are hidebound, (stubbornly inflexible, narrow minded & rigidly stuck in the past or traditional ways of thinking), by repetetive patterns, not just of speech, but of behaviour. If we are to live together reasonably amicably, both personally & as communities, we need to move on from just repeating the patterns of the past. 

We need to be more open, more generous, more accepting of difference. We need to listen more & speak in a more thoughtful way. We need to try to understand different points of view.

      

Instant Gratification

Over my lifetime the world has moved on in ways I could not have imagined. I expect my parents generation felt exactly the same. It's a mixed picture, some things are much better, technology for example. Some have stayed the same like the disconnect between the rich & the poor. Some are worse I think, homelessness, the employment situation for the young & the NHS spring to mind.

One huge difference I see is the unrealistic expectation that our desires will be met instantly as a right. I think my post war generation was more stoic, self reliant & accepting. I think the majority of people did just get on with life. I don't think we had high expectations of what would be provided for us by the state. Support from the family, yes. From friends & neighbours too. But not handed to us by an overarching state. 

If that is what you want then someone has to pay - the only way, apart from credit card debt, is from taxes. So the tax system has to be fair & equitable. Data suggests the lowest income households may pay a disproportionately high percentage of their income in total taxes—including VAT and council tax—due to the regressive nature of consumption taxes. The tax system often treats unearned income (capital gains, dividends) more favorably than income from employment, which is seen as unfair to people who rely on wages rather than accumulated or inherited wealth. Although high for the UK, tax-to-GDP ratios remain below the average for many other advanced Western European economies.

Undoubtedly the ridiculously complex UK tax system needs complete overhaul & simplification. "Patriotic Millionairs" research shows that 9 in 10 UK millionaires are proud to live in Britain and three-quarters would be willing to pay more tax to ensure public assets get the funding they need. Great!

But the rest of us also need to understand that we need to let go of the idea that the State will provide. That we can have all the trappings of modern life - mobile phones, computers, huge TV's, disposable fashion, the latest kitchens & bathrooms...on demand. We need to go back to the idea of funding our own lifestyle according to our means. Yes we need to give help to the poor, the ill & the disposessed. But we need to accept that a welfare state cannot & should not fund huge, unrealistic sums of money.

There needs to be a contract between all of us, that as far as possible we will not expect instant gratification, state sponsored, funding. The state should be a safety net for people in real need. Things have got out of hand. We need to accept that some things take time to achieve & that is no bad thing. We need the basics. Everything over & above that is a bonus not a right.

  

We all need to see tax as a duty not something to be evaded at all costs. We all need to really believe in fair distribution of wealth.  

 

 

 

Icons

There have been a few people that I have hugely admired in my lifetime. Two obvious ones, Nelson Mandela of South Africa & David Attenborough of the UK. Both are men who have had vision & determination to effect change for the better in different spheres. Both have literally given their lives to their goals. Without ever meeting them, both seem to be truly remarkable & genuine people who care for others & the world around them. Both worked selflessly & tirelessly for the causes they espoused.

There are sporting icons, great actors, leaders, musicians, dancers. People who have worked exceptionally hard to achieve in their chosen field. It takes effort, dedication & sometimes privation. I admire many, but the ones I admire most are the ones who are prepared to speak out against injustice & wrong. Often that takes great bravery.

We are at a stage in the history & development of our world when we need more people who are prepared to do this. People who don't set out to be icons. They just follow a path of truth & justice wherever it leads.

We have a plethora of paper tigers, influencers, politicians, pedlers of lies & conspiracy theories. Their voices are heard, but they are not acting in our interests or the interests of the planet we live in. 

 

Then there are those who remain silent when they should speak out. If you see a wrong & do not act what sort of human being are you? Taking the easy way is not taking the right way. We may not all have the charisma to be an icon, but we can all openly support truth & justice. We can all influence the thinking of others by providing reputable sources & evidence to oppose lies & conspiracy theories. We can all stand up to bullies & loud voices trying to override the majority of decent people. 

We cannot expect someone else to do this for us. We cannot expect the problems of the world to be sorted out by someone else. Every voice & every action supporting fairness & right is important.

 

Tradition & Politics

I am not convinced that being tied to tradition is such a good thing. Theoretically traditions help create cultural identity, social cohesion & continuity. Really? There are British traditions which seem anachronistic to me, like Black Rod banging on the doors of an adversarial English parliament summoning MP's for the King's speech for example. Does that happen in Scotland or Wales? No wonder they want independence. I also seriously question the singing of Rule Britannia, Land of Hope & Glory & Jerusalem at the last night of the proms. To me they are outdated celebrations of colonialism in a multi ethnic & cultural society.

History is important if we learn the lessons that it teaches. But so much of what we should have learnt we haven't & we just repeat the same mistakes in a never ending "groundhog day", where tedious, monotonous or repetetive situations happen over & over. We are still a hierarchical, male dominated, class ridden, society according to the 2023 Great British Class Survey. 

https://revisesociology.com/2023/04/07/the-great-british-class-survey/

Elite (6% of the population): the most privileged class in Great Britain who have high levels of all three capitals which sets them apart from all other classes. Typical jobs include lawyers, doctors and higher-level managers. Much of their wealth is in property (they are typically home owners), and their income and wealth are double that of the next class down. Also one of the oldest classes in terms of age with an average age of 57.

Established Middle Class (25% of the population): members of this class have high levels of all three capitals although not as high as the Elite. They are a gregarious and culturally engaged class. Average age of 46.

Technical Middle Class (6%): a new class with high economic capital but seem less culturally engaged. They have relatively few social contacts and so are less socially engaged. Average age of 52.

New Affluent Workers (14%): this class has medium levels of economic capital and higher levels of cultural and social capital. They are a young and active group with an average aged of 44.

Emergent Service Workers (15%): a new class which has low economic capital but has high levels of ‘emerging’ cultural capital and high social capital. This group are the youngest class with an average age of 32 and are often found in urban areas.

Traditional Working Class (19%): this class scores low on all forms of the three capitals although they are not the poorest group. The oldest class with an average age of 66.

Precariat (15%): the most deprived class of all with low levels of economic, cultural and social capital. These are the most likely to rent and will typically be in unskilled temporary jobs, with an average age of 50.

  

The Precariat is new to me. How sad that we have had to create a new even lower class. 

 

Yesterdays election results just indicate to me how unhappy the British electorate is with the status quo. Populism or a different way forward seems to be what people want. I do think we need to really look at ourselves & compare what & who we are with Europe, Scandinavia & the rest of the world. We need to find a way to retain some good traditions & finally get rid of the ones that prevent us becoming more in tune with the challenges of todays scientific & technical world. 

 

If we don't I fear we will go the way of the Dinosaurs, because we will no longer be "fit for purpose" in todays fast moving world. 

 

 

Little Pleasures

Ageing means changing, adapting & accepting. Both mind & body change, which affects what you can & can't do. There are two ways of dealing with this, you can accept & modify, or you can refuse & fight it. Accepting & modifying does not mean giving in & becoming isolated, insular & self absorbed. It means knowing the things you cannot change or do and finding "work arounds". It is important not to just lay down & give in, but you do need determination to continue to live a good life, whatever the challenges. 

Several previous pleasures are no longer open to me because of pain, stiffness, fatigue & breathlessness. Hill walking is a long lost pleasure. Pacing is important because stamina is non existant. Gardening & housework are difficult & some things are even impossible. Showering & dressing is a challenge, either my arms are shorter or my legs are longer & I can't reach my feet! Sitting for extended periods in the theatre or cinema is painful. Cooking from scratch is painful & exhausting. Visiting art exhibitions is difficult & tiring. Walking for more than 5 minutes is a challenge. Walking & talking even more so....I could go on, but how boring would that be?

I do think that you have to accept some of the challenges of ageing. I also think that mindset is really important. If you only see the negative you become someone who is not a pleasure to be with. You become a "drain". Self absorbtion is not a pleasant characteristic. Always focussing on your conditions or the aspects of your life you don't like will not endear you to those around you.

So, providing you don't have a terminal condition, (although we all do in a way), or you aren't suffering from a really serious illness, I think you have to be aware & outward looking. You have to find the things that give you pleasure. Little pleasures like enjoying good food & not eating rubbish. Finding a way of keeping fit you enjoy, (I love swimming). Keeping interested in what is going on with family & friends & the world. (You are not the centre of the Universe). Listening to the radio, (I love Radio 4).  Volunteering & helping others, (beneficial because you are actually meeting people). Doing things to keep your mind active & distracting you from the day to day difficulties of life - Puzzles, reading, games like solitaire & mahjong on an Ipad or phone....

I think I am saying look honestly at your thoughts & personality. Would you want to spend time with yourself? Yes, if you live alone I know you do most of the time. But would you enjoy a conversation with yourself? Are you interested in other people, new things, events in the world, life itself? Or are you trapped in a mindset that has unrealistic expectations of others & is negative about everything & everyone?

Actually, I don't think this is just about ageing. It's about just being a nice human being & really valuing how lucky you are in small ways. Accentuate the positive, a song from 1945, the year I was born. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3jdbFOidds&t=60s 

 

Women & Religion

I went to college in Cockfosters North London. It was close to Barnet & Finchley, a Jewish area, & I used to baby sit for Jewish families to earn money to see me through college. 

Orthodox Jewish religious law says that women should cover their hair when in the presence of men other than their husband or close family members. This can be a scarf, hat or wig. Not all Jews are orthodox. 10 - 15% are, with most in Israel. But the population is growing faster because of high birth rates - projections suggest 1 in 5 by 2040. Israels orthodox Jews, particularly the ultra orthodox Haredim, are growing rapidly & follow strict interpretations of Jewish law (Halakha), often living in segregated communities, wearing distinctive, traditional clothing, and focusing heavily on religious study. Women are not confined but they are expected to dress and behave modestly in public. When I was in Israel & the West Bank it was easy to see who were the orthodox Jews. They are very distinctive.

Muslim women are instructed to dress modestly, covering their entire body except for the face & hands, to honor principles of piety and privacy. This usually involves wearing loose-fitting clothing that does not reveal the body's shape and a headcovering (hijab), though interpretations vary regarding the strictness of covering. I have travelled in the Middle East extensively & always felt very uncomfortable seeing the women covered from head to toe in black flowing robes, often made of polyester. I adopted the covering rule, but wearing lightweight cotton & was still uncomfortably hot. In Yemen I was spat at & harrangued because my headscarf had slipped showing a little hair. But that was fairly isolated, most Middle Eastern countires were really hospitable.

Christians are not as focussed on modesty in women, but Amish, Mennonites, and some Catholic or Orthodox traditions encourage modest dress (e.g., covering shoulders, long skirts, head coverings). Historically, women wore chapels veils or head coverings

Hinduism & Sikism also emphasise modesty in women, hijab in Hindu traditions & humility with garments like the ghunghat or chunni often covering the head. 

Ostensibly many faiths use head coverings to symbolize humility and submission to God or higher spiritual authority. Additionally supposedly covering curbs the male gaze & disrupts objectification signalling the woman is not available.

I have a real difficulty in accepting that this fairly universal religious treatment of women is anything other than a form of patriarchal control and a means to blame women for male behavior. Some interpretations suggest the historical, cultural roots was to mark women as "respectable" (owned by a man) versus "unrespectable" (uncovered). 

There is argument as to whether the bible or the quran actually unambiguously requires women to cover their hair & bodies. The interpretation of the texts has been done by men. Men have dominated religion for milennia. I remember being in the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela after travelling the Way of St James. The only woman among a lot of clergy, in embroidered robes, officiating at the service, was a nun, in a plain grey habit, who led the singing. 

Some religions have become more female friendly, but there is still has a long way to go. Mary Magdalene was a prominent disciple of Jesus & was told by him to announce his resurrection according to the bible. But she has largely been dismissed as a prostitute rather than a model for redemption. 

Until religion really treats women in the same way as men & gives them equal standing, freedom & power in all ways I will continue to feel that, at it's roots, religion is misogynistic.

 

Dear God.....

Although I don't believe you are sitting there in heaven, at the pearly gates, waiting to tell me whether I can come in or not, I do think there is some sort of amazing grand design to the universe. I do believe there are lots of things we do not know or understand. I do have a spiritual side to my personality.

So, hedging my bets, I'm hoping that you will read this & maybe get your act together to sort out the mess we, so called sentient beings, have made of this wonderful world we live in. We have royally f..... it up.

I don't want to be vindictive, but there are so many people today who are really not following your directions about how we should live. Personally I wouldn't just consign them to hell. I'm really not into burning & torture, although it is possible that they deserve it. But really, couldn't you just send a thunderbolt or lightening to take them out painlessly & quickly? Surely that isn't beyond a god? I could easily give you a list in case you haven't noticed, or are really busy? Maybe you don't you think it's your job to re-balance good & evil?

 

Another thing that might help get us out of the deep s... we are in is if you could send a few more really intelligent, curious, caring babies to grow into people who might just help us accept that we know what the problems are & in many cases we know what the solutions are. We just need to actually do what is necessary & b..... quickly. I can't believe that this "tipping point" "end of the world" scenario is what you had in mind. Or maybe you think the natural world will just be better off without us? Armageddon & all that. But that does seem a bit drastic for a god.

That leads us to religion, god. Did you really intend there to be so many different monotheistic & polytheistic, male dominated, faiths? They just end up arguing & even warring. That doesn't seem like a good plan for a god to me. Did you think it through? If you are really omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, surely you could have worked all of this out? I would have thought you didn't even need to do a risk analysis, can't a god see the future? I suppose you thought choice would be a good thing for us. But it really hasn't worked, has it? It's like the supermarket aisle with dozens of yoghurts to choose from. We just end up glazed over & confused.

I'm really not sure we are going to be able to sort this out for ourselves. I do think you should consider stepping in. My grandchildren & children everywhere deserve a non distopian future. 

Just give it some thought. But don't hang about. We don't have centuries.

 

Inspiration from Greenpeace "Letters Live" @ the Royal Albert Hall on April 22nd.  

Saying Sorry

I had a conversation with female friends the other day about apologising. It was very interesting. Although my grandsons will possibly be annoyed if they ever read this, we all thought that men find it more difficult to apologise than women. In fact women often apologise for things that they shouldn't, just to keep the peace. 

Research does indicate that women apologise more frequently than men. It is thought that this is due to different perceptions about what is offensive - Women have a lower threshold as to what constitutes offensive behaviour. Women are more likely to apologise for serious or emotional situations. Research suggests women may be more focused on maintaining harmony in relationships, while some men might feel that apologizing is a sign of weakness.

When my husband was alive I certainly felt the there was an imbalance between us in our view of what warranted an apology. Fortunately we still managed to have a good relationship, despite me feeling that getting an apology was like getting "blood out of a stone". 

Apologising in appropriate situations is important. We all need to take responsibility for mistakes or hurt caused. I just do not think that it is appropriate to apologise for something that the apologiser was not responsible for. So, for example, I don't think that countries can apologise for something wrong that happened historically. I also don't think an individual can apologise for someone else.

The current political spat between Starmer & Robbins is unedifying. It's a face off between supposed different perceptions of what happened. It reveals a pressurised culture & how difficult it must be to work at the top level of government when dealings are not transparent. It isn't good enough to have "plausible deniability" & lack of an honest & accurate record of what has happened. That enables individuals to evade responsibility. Good record keeping takes time, but it appears that there was a deliberate decision or instruction not to do that in this case. In todays tech world it is not difficult to record a meeting, unless instructed not to do so.

 

Frankly no one comes out of this well. It stinks! Starmers "apology" just isn't good enough.