I went to a meditation day on Sunday. It was really good & the timing was right for me. You can read lots about meditation, but there is nothing like having a good teacher & plenty of time.
I did it quite a while ago as part of some research into mindfulness & CFS / ME but never quite "got" it. Now I do & it is wonderful. I understand it on an intellectual level & can actually do several different practices. I just need to give the time to make it a daily part of my life if possible.
Meditation helps me to go deep into my conciousness to find the calm that is there and get away from the turmoil which is the surface of my life. It helps focus on how lucky I really am and the fact that I have many positive qualities. It also helps understand that I don't need to rely on other people for validation. It is important because it helps to focus positive thoughts about other people in my life who may present me with difficulties.
That all sound fairly simple, but trust me it isn't. Like everyone else I have been conditioned into patterns of behaviour & thought from childhood. The grooves of thinking are deeply embedded in my mind after all these years, like deep ruts in an unmade road. It takes effort to re-programme and it won't be easy. My thoughts and emotions create physical & mental imbalance. Whatever is happening in my life now, good or bad, will pass. What is important is not to respond or react inappropriately.
I will try. Change and transience are normal. "If we want to end the war in the world, we need to end the war in our own hearts" - Thich Nhat Hanh.
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Friday 25 November 2011
Reconcilliation
I've just met a friend who I hadn't seen for nearly 20 years. We parted in extremely difficult circumstances in which I think there was misunderstanding on both sides. We had known eachother for many years & our families had been quite close.
We have both had some really difficult times in our lives. So maybe we are older & wiser now. Maybe too there comes a time when you need to try to resolve old conflicts & possibly renew old friendships. When you are on your own you realise how important they are.
I am so pleased that we have been able to talk about the extraordinary situation which we were in & cleared up some of the misunderstandings. I hope we will move forward together & put the past behind us & be able to enjoy eachother's company again. But if we don't I will still be pleased that we made the effort.
Life is too short to bear grudges and all to often they are based on knee jerk reactions & misinterpreting the real situation. We are all capable of saying things tactlessly in the heat of the moment, or taking umbridge at relatively minor actions or comments. It is important to talk & move on with a greater understanding. I hope we have done that.
We have both had some really difficult times in our lives. So maybe we are older & wiser now. Maybe too there comes a time when you need to try to resolve old conflicts & possibly renew old friendships. When you are on your own you realise how important they are.
I am so pleased that we have been able to talk about the extraordinary situation which we were in & cleared up some of the misunderstandings. I hope we will move forward together & put the past behind us & be able to enjoy eachother's company again. But if we don't I will still be pleased that we made the effort.
Life is too short to bear grudges and all to often they are based on knee jerk reactions & misinterpreting the real situation. We are all capable of saying things tactlessly in the heat of the moment, or taking umbridge at relatively minor actions or comments. It is important to talk & move on with a greater understanding. I hope we have done that.
Sunday 20 November 2011
The Distance Between Us
We know exctly where we are on the surface of the earth & where everything & everybody else is because of Sat nav. We know how long it will take us to get somewhere. Distance is a simple calculation. We take for granted travelling huge distances to see different places and cultures. We can bridge that gap.
The gap we can't bridge so easily is the distance between ourself & someone else. It varies according to the closeness of the relationship, the willingness to reveal oneself & the intelligence to be interested in similar things. I find myself listening to conversations & wondering what the point of them is. Sometimes what people talk about is so mundane & uninteresting, I feel distanced from the participants. I can facilitate a conversation by asking questions & listening without really trying. But I have no real interest in what is being said. That sounds so harsh, & I'm aware it ignores kindness.
The problem is that most relationships are based on the trivia of life & if you don't participate you can become isolated. I know this wouldn't be good. I know humans are social beings. I could talk to David about anything. We were both interested in the big ethical & philosophical issues & questions of the world. We were both fascinated by other cultures, landscapes, history & archaeology. He wasn't as interested as I am in art, music & drama, but other friends I have are.
I think friendships could be measured in distance, not how far away we live from eachother, but what we talk about. Now I have so much time on my own I realise how important & rare good conversation is. Although I do enjoy the peace & quiet I also realise how much I miss talking to someone every day. Emailing, texting & phoning are all good for keeping in touch, but simply cannot replace being with someone & sharing the moment.
I must try not to become isolated by the physical distance between me and my family & friends. Even more important perhaps, the distance created by the fact that they all have families & busy lives which don't include me. That way can lead to negative emotions and unhappiness. I need to try to make the effort to bridge the gap. It is hard, because I don't want to make demands or play the sympathy card, so maybe I don't contact them as often as I should & leave it to them to contact me when they have time. It's a dilemma.
The gap we can't bridge so easily is the distance between ourself & someone else. It varies according to the closeness of the relationship, the willingness to reveal oneself & the intelligence to be interested in similar things. I find myself listening to conversations & wondering what the point of them is. Sometimes what people talk about is so mundane & uninteresting, I feel distanced from the participants. I can facilitate a conversation by asking questions & listening without really trying. But I have no real interest in what is being said. That sounds so harsh, & I'm aware it ignores kindness.
The problem is that most relationships are based on the trivia of life & if you don't participate you can become isolated. I know this wouldn't be good. I know humans are social beings. I could talk to David about anything. We were both interested in the big ethical & philosophical issues & questions of the world. We were both fascinated by other cultures, landscapes, history & archaeology. He wasn't as interested as I am in art, music & drama, but other friends I have are.
I think friendships could be measured in distance, not how far away we live from eachother, but what we talk about. Now I have so much time on my own I realise how important & rare good conversation is. Although I do enjoy the peace & quiet I also realise how much I miss talking to someone every day. Emailing, texting & phoning are all good for keeping in touch, but simply cannot replace being with someone & sharing the moment.
I must try not to become isolated by the physical distance between me and my family & friends. Even more important perhaps, the distance created by the fact that they all have families & busy lives which don't include me. That way can lead to negative emotions and unhappiness. I need to try to make the effort to bridge the gap. It is hard, because I don't want to make demands or play the sympathy card, so maybe I don't contact them as often as I should & leave it to them to contact me when they have time. It's a dilemma.
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Protection Racket?
What is the nature of protection? How do I know who or what needs protecting? Who / what am I personally responsible for protecting? I think we as individuals are defined by who / what we are prepared to put ourselves out to protect.
At the simplest level I protect those who are nearest & dearest to me - my small family. I try to protect them from feeling responsible for me now that I am on my own. I would do a lot to protect them from harm & shield them from unhappiness if I could.
At an intermediate level I aim not to harm people I come into contact with by my words or actions. I try to treat other people as I would wish to be treated. I try to be truthful in my dealings with people, but recognise that absolute truth isn't always helpful or caring.
At the macro level I am responsible for any detremental habits and actions that endanger or spoil the environment & the world I live in. In order to really fulfill that responsibility I need to be fully aware and educated about the impact my life has on fragile ecosystems and do something positive to avoid contaminating and damaging the environment & actively protect it
If I care about freedom I need to protect the political systems which have the rights of individuals, fairness & some form of democracy at their heart. That means more than just exercising my hard fought for right to vote. Which brings me to the current protests around the world about the capitalist system. I admire people who are so passionate about an issue they will endure hardship & negativity in order to put that issue at the forefront of peoples minds. I don't protest - I'm not sure why, but I am really glad that there are people who do.
It is so easy to talk over the coffee cups or dinner plate about the complex issues that our world faces. I think we are actually at a tipping point where our world & it's systems have become so complex that very few understand them. Do we actually even have a real democracy? How powerful are the politicians, the lobbyists, the multinational corporations & the dictators of the world?
How powerful is the voice of the people? Hopefully more powerful than we might think.
At the simplest level I protect those who are nearest & dearest to me - my small family. I try to protect them from feeling responsible for me now that I am on my own. I would do a lot to protect them from harm & shield them from unhappiness if I could.
At an intermediate level I aim not to harm people I come into contact with by my words or actions. I try to treat other people as I would wish to be treated. I try to be truthful in my dealings with people, but recognise that absolute truth isn't always helpful or caring.
At the macro level I am responsible for any detremental habits and actions that endanger or spoil the environment & the world I live in. In order to really fulfill that responsibility I need to be fully aware and educated about the impact my life has on fragile ecosystems and do something positive to avoid contaminating and damaging the environment & actively protect it
If I care about freedom I need to protect the political systems which have the rights of individuals, fairness & some form of democracy at their heart. That means more than just exercising my hard fought for right to vote. Which brings me to the current protests around the world about the capitalist system. I admire people who are so passionate about an issue they will endure hardship & negativity in order to put that issue at the forefront of peoples minds. I don't protest - I'm not sure why, but I am really glad that there are people who do.
It is so easy to talk over the coffee cups or dinner plate about the complex issues that our world faces. I think we are actually at a tipping point where our world & it's systems have become so complex that very few understand them. Do we actually even have a real democracy? How powerful are the politicians, the lobbyists, the multinational corporations & the dictators of the world?
How powerful is the voice of the people? Hopefully more powerful than we might think.
Monday 7 November 2011
Kindness
"Do not act meanly, do not be unkind, because the time for setting things right may pass before your heart changes course". Alexander McCall Smith.
It sounds so easy, just to be kind. But it really isn't simple at all. I wish I was better at it. How to be kind to people who aren't kind to you? What about if being kind puts you out in some way? Or what if you think you are being kind, but the recipient doesn't want your kindness?
The best way I can look at it is from the point of view of being a recipient of kindness, which I have, many times, over the last few years. I am deeply grateful to the people who have helped me in ways big and small. People who have anticipated my need and therefore had me in the forefront of their minds, people who have put themselves out to help me & comfort me. It isn't always necessary to sympathise with another, sympathy can be quite hard to deal with. But it is necessary to really try to empathise, to be able to put yourself in anothers position & try to understand how they might feel. People who can do that are a blessing.
There are people who are unkind, some deliberately. Mean spiritedness is not uncommon, but those people are reflecting something about themselves. Perhaps we should try to understand why someone is behaving unkindly, although we may not know them well enough to know what in their past has made them the person they are. Simplistically I tend to think that genuinely nice people are by an large happier. Bad actions have the reverse effect I think.
We all have a tendency to judge others, often as a knee jerk response. Perhaps if we could only genuinely try to be kind to others, those we actually come into contact with & those that we hear about, we might be a less disfunctional & insular society. All it takes is for each of us to really try and be aware when we are not being kind. There is a lot to put right in our society today, but it is possible through generosity & kind action.
It sounds so easy, just to be kind. But it really isn't simple at all. I wish I was better at it. How to be kind to people who aren't kind to you? What about if being kind puts you out in some way? Or what if you think you are being kind, but the recipient doesn't want your kindness?
The best way I can look at it is from the point of view of being a recipient of kindness, which I have, many times, over the last few years. I am deeply grateful to the people who have helped me in ways big and small. People who have anticipated my need and therefore had me in the forefront of their minds, people who have put themselves out to help me & comfort me. It isn't always necessary to sympathise with another, sympathy can be quite hard to deal with. But it is necessary to really try to empathise, to be able to put yourself in anothers position & try to understand how they might feel. People who can do that are a blessing.
There are people who are unkind, some deliberately. Mean spiritedness is not uncommon, but those people are reflecting something about themselves. Perhaps we should try to understand why someone is behaving unkindly, although we may not know them well enough to know what in their past has made them the person they are. Simplistically I tend to think that genuinely nice people are by an large happier. Bad actions have the reverse effect I think.
We all have a tendency to judge others, often as a knee jerk response. Perhaps if we could only genuinely try to be kind to others, those we actually come into contact with & those that we hear about, we might be a less disfunctional & insular society. All it takes is for each of us to really try and be aware when we are not being kind. There is a lot to put right in our society today, but it is possible through generosity & kind action.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Patient Patients
I have just been into hospital to have my Gall Bladder removed. I took a cancellation, so it was all a bit rushed. However allowing for that, I'm not very impressed with the service that was delivered from the patients point of view. Before I tell you why, I must say that I do think that the medical staff do want to do a good job for their patients. I just think that they are unable to put themselves in the position of being receivers of "care". They are prisoners of their own routines.
The problems started once I was in the ward after the op. I was in a bed, separated from the rest of the patients by drawn curtains. Not a problem unless you need to communicate, and certainly good for privacy & rest. However no one gave me the call button & I didn't know where it was & couldn't have reached it even if I had known. So when I was in quite a lot of pain, not from the surgery, but from my underlying conditions, I had to wait for a nurse to come in to the side ward & shout for pain relief. By then it was quite bad. I was also very thirsty & didn't know that there was a plastic cup of water on the cupboard next to the bed because I couldn't see the cupboard due to the raised head of the bed. I wasn't given a jug of water until the next day when I was more mobile.
I didn't seem to be able to switch the light on using the call button & I was in a corner of the ward which was quite dark.
I wasn't offered a cup of tea, biscuit or piece of toast on the day of the surgery, which was at 1pm. So I didn't have anything other than the water till breakfast the next morning. A full 24 hours.
No one told me how the surgery had gone. I don't know how many stones or how big. I don't know whether there were any complications due to my heart condition. I presume not as I am here. I never saw a doctor after the surgery, not even to discharge me. No one asked me how I was feeling or whether I wanted anything. They did come very regularly to do routine obs though.
No one told me whether I could get out of bed to go to the toilet, or where it was. Fortunately I didn't need to go till the following morning & then I asked. So I also didn't have access to my bag which was next to the bed on the floor. That meant I couldn't get my mobile & let my daughter know I was OK. As it happens I was completely wiped out by the anasthetic & didn't really surface properly till sometime in the night. I presume it was the night, because I also couldn't get to my watch.
When my daughter tried to ring the hospital on the evening of the op because she hadn't heard from me & was worried, she had a dreadful experience. She was told I wasn't in the hospital. Then she was told I was in the heart rescusitation unit, which really worried her as I do have a pacemaker. Eventually her husband rang & did find out where I was & that I was OK.
My daughter collected me the day after surgery. The sineage for the unit I was in was so bad that she couldn't find it. By the time she did find me she was very upset because of the lack of help she had received & the general stress. The last time she had been in a hospital was when her father died 2 years ago.
No discharge protocols seemed to be in place. A nurse gave me two lots of pain killers. I later discovered that they were both similar to drugs I am already taking. So I ended up taking a double dose of a NASAID before I realised. No one replaced my dressings or checked the wounds. Apparently I remove my own dressings after 5 days & go to my GP if there are any problems. I wasn't given any printed information until I asked about driving & swimming. The first nurse said she would find out & never returned. The second one gave me a leaflet about anasthetics but nothing about the do's & don'ts of gall bladder surgery.
Fortunately I have a friend who works for Royal Berks Hospital so have copies of all their patient leaflets which are very informative & patient friendly. I'm also capable of finding information on the internet.
If the NHS is to provide a good service for patients I think they should ask the patients themselves in each hospital department. Either they could fill in a questionnaire or they could write a summary of any areas they think could be improved. Why isn't there a service quality assessment from the people who matter? This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I had broadly similar experiences in 2010 when I went into the same hospital with a suspected heart attack.
The problems started once I was in the ward after the op. I was in a bed, separated from the rest of the patients by drawn curtains. Not a problem unless you need to communicate, and certainly good for privacy & rest. However no one gave me the call button & I didn't know where it was & couldn't have reached it even if I had known. So when I was in quite a lot of pain, not from the surgery, but from my underlying conditions, I had to wait for a nurse to come in to the side ward & shout for pain relief. By then it was quite bad. I was also very thirsty & didn't know that there was a plastic cup of water on the cupboard next to the bed because I couldn't see the cupboard due to the raised head of the bed. I wasn't given a jug of water until the next day when I was more mobile.
I didn't seem to be able to switch the light on using the call button & I was in a corner of the ward which was quite dark.
I wasn't offered a cup of tea, biscuit or piece of toast on the day of the surgery, which was at 1pm. So I didn't have anything other than the water till breakfast the next morning. A full 24 hours.
No one told me how the surgery had gone. I don't know how many stones or how big. I don't know whether there were any complications due to my heart condition. I presume not as I am here. I never saw a doctor after the surgery, not even to discharge me. No one asked me how I was feeling or whether I wanted anything. They did come very regularly to do routine obs though.
No one told me whether I could get out of bed to go to the toilet, or where it was. Fortunately I didn't need to go till the following morning & then I asked. So I also didn't have access to my bag which was next to the bed on the floor. That meant I couldn't get my mobile & let my daughter know I was OK. As it happens I was completely wiped out by the anasthetic & didn't really surface properly till sometime in the night. I presume it was the night, because I also couldn't get to my watch.
When my daughter tried to ring the hospital on the evening of the op because she hadn't heard from me & was worried, she had a dreadful experience. She was told I wasn't in the hospital. Then she was told I was in the heart rescusitation unit, which really worried her as I do have a pacemaker. Eventually her husband rang & did find out where I was & that I was OK.
My daughter collected me the day after surgery. The sineage for the unit I was in was so bad that she couldn't find it. By the time she did find me she was very upset because of the lack of help she had received & the general stress. The last time she had been in a hospital was when her father died 2 years ago.
No discharge protocols seemed to be in place. A nurse gave me two lots of pain killers. I later discovered that they were both similar to drugs I am already taking. So I ended up taking a double dose of a NASAID before I realised. No one replaced my dressings or checked the wounds. Apparently I remove my own dressings after 5 days & go to my GP if there are any problems. I wasn't given any printed information until I asked about driving & swimming. The first nurse said she would find out & never returned. The second one gave me a leaflet about anasthetics but nothing about the do's & don'ts of gall bladder surgery.
Fortunately I have a friend who works for Royal Berks Hospital so have copies of all their patient leaflets which are very informative & patient friendly. I'm also capable of finding information on the internet.
If the NHS is to provide a good service for patients I think they should ask the patients themselves in each hospital department. Either they could fill in a questionnaire or they could write a summary of any areas they think could be improved. Why isn't there a service quality assessment from the people who matter? This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I had broadly similar experiences in 2010 when I went into the same hospital with a suspected heart attack.
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