Counselling

Well, encouraged by various friends I had my first session today. It was very interesting, useful and emotional.

It is my experience that people have expectations about how one should deal with grief & trauma. My friends seem to vary between thinking that I have coped amazingly well with all the traumatic events since the beginning of 2009, and feeling that I "haven't dealt properly" with David's death. My counsellor helped me to see that my way is my way and is valid because of that. But she also helped me to see that maybe I have to let people see that I am not this superhuman, competent, woman who can deal with anything life throws at me. I do find it hard - extremely hard at times, and my family & friends need to know that if they are to help me when I need it. Not sure how to do that, but can see that my "front" can stop people from approaching the subject.

She also made me see that it is reasonable to feel angry with David for going up the ladder & effectively ending his life, thus depriving me of 20+ more happy years. Also for leaving the financial stuff in such a mess that it still isn't sorted despite the fact that I have a paid financial advisor now. Dave wasn't perfect by any means. She suggested that I talk to him more often.

A big issue for me was why I seem to have had a big crisis every year. It's remarkably simple. Both times so far have been when I have been doing something lovely, which I know he would have enjoyed, but I have been alone. That is really an important insight.

So I'm going to carry on & am really pleased to have met my counsellor, who I liked enormously & had a lot in common with. It's taken me well over 2 years to get round to it, but the time was right. It's Karma.