Looking Back

I don't tend to do this. I've hardly ever gone back to places I knew or looked up people from my past. For me the past is gone - over and done with. Until now. I am finding it hard to move on from the years spent with David & I recognise that I could be in danger of idealising them & him. I don't think I do, I knew his faults only too well, but still loved him.

Counselling is helping me to see the past as the view from the top of the mountain. You can see where you have been, & where you are aiming for. (Although the latter isn't too clear to me at the moment). Our past experience shapes us, so in that sense it is indelible. We should be able to learn from it, and become stronger, better human beings as a result of that learning. We learn about ourselves and what we can cope with & are capable of. Each little triumph over adversity, each new situation handled well gives confidence that we can deal with life's ups & downs.

But also it is important to learn from our mistakes & not beat ourselves up for making them. I know I am supposed to "be kind to myself". I actually dislike that phrase intensely, but the underlying meaning is right. I just don't seem to be very good at it. I do have very high standards for myself & others, expectations that very few can live up to. I'm much better at accepting other people for what they are now, but am not so generous to myself.

I have asked myself what I have done to deserve the last 3 horrible years. I do believe in Karma & have wondered why these things have happened to me. I'm just beginning to accept that they simply have & I have come through it all. So maybe I'm not so much "over the hill" more have reached the peak & will be able to enjoy the journey down the mountain to the pastures below.