Loss & Lost

It's coming up to the 2nd anniversary of David's death. Fathers Day on the 19th June, his accident on the 27th June, our 43rd wedding anniversary / the day he died on the 9th July, his funeral on the 18th July and his 67th birthday on the 19th July. All within one month.

Last year I asked his friends to remember him & send me those memories for Maryon & the twins. This year I won't do anything. Next year I've resolved not to put the dates in my diary.

I can't say the sense of loss is any less. In many ways it's worse. I miss doing things with him & sharing things with him. I miss his presence, his strength, his integrity & his humour. I miss his infuriating habits & traits. I miss someone to lean on & someone to help sort out the problems of life. I loved him for the imperfect human being he was, not some idealised memory.

I have moved on. I have gained confidence in my ability to cope with life. I have done things I would not have done if he were here. I do simply get on with it & value my friends & what little family I have. But I do miss him & am beginning to realise that I probably always will.

I am not depressed or suicidal. A lot of the time I am actively engaged with life and other people's lives. But I am lost, & alone quite a bit. It isn't what I have been used to. The whole of the first 64 years of my life was spent living with someone else. For 47 of those years David was the focus of my life. At times, during our marriage, I actually did think that it would be good to be alone & independent. I was confident that I would cope with that very well - Be careful what you wish for!

Losing someone you love is hard. But there is no choice, you have to find a way of living with the loss. You have to begin again & find what & who is important to you. You have to try to find a way to enjoy your life.