I don't tend to do this. I've hardly ever gone back to places I knew or looked up people from my past. For me the past is gone - over and done with. Until now. I am finding it hard to move on from the years spent with David & I recognise that I could be in danger of idealising them & him. I don't think I do, I knew his faults only too well, but still loved him.
Counselling is helping me to see the past as the view from the top of the mountain. You can see where you have been, & where you are aiming for. (Although the latter isn't too clear to me at the moment). Our past experience shapes us, so in that sense it is indelible. We should be able to learn from it, and become stronger, better human beings as a result of that learning. We learn about ourselves and what we can cope with & are capable of. Each little triumph over adversity, each new situation handled well gives confidence that we can deal with life's ups & downs.
But also it is important to learn from our mistakes & not beat ourselves up for making them. I know I am supposed to "be kind to myself". I actually dislike that phrase intensely, but the underlying meaning is right. I just don't seem to be very good at it. I do have very high standards for myself & others, expectations that very few can live up to. I'm much better at accepting other people for what they are now, but am not so generous to myself.
I have asked myself what I have done to deserve the last 3 horrible years. I do believe in Karma & have wondered why these things have happened to me. I'm just beginning to accept that they simply have & I have come through it all. So maybe I'm not so much "over the hill" more have reached the peak & will be able to enjoy the journey down the mountain to the pastures below.
Friday, 14 October 2011
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Age Gap
“..those who are 20 don't know what it's like to be 40, whereas those who are 40 know what it's like to be 20. It's a bit like discussing a foreign country with somebody who has never been there” - Alexander McCall Smith.
It seems to me that this is an eternal problem at any age. But it is compounded by the fact that those younger than us seemingly don't value our experience, and think we are completely out of touch with their lives & what they are feeling. Whereas, in truth, we have been there, seen it, done it & got the T Shirt! The detail may change, but the underlying emotions & drivers remain.
They, on the other hand, have no experience of what it is like to be older, so are largely unable to empathise. They simply don't know the questions to ask, let alone have the interest to find out more. 'Twas ever thus.... youth is deeply preoccupied with it's own life & doesn't have the time or inclination to delve deeply into the lives of their parents or older people generally.
This divide is seemingly immutable, apart from a few very special people who do take the time to have really two way conversations with older people. They are genuinely interested enough to probe & listen & try to get to know the older person. It then becomes a proper relationship between two people which crosses the age divide.
Of course it does depend enormously on the older person too. Are they interesting & interested? Do they listen or want to give advice & their opinion on everything? Are they lively and fun or boring & insular?
I think both parties have to work quite hard at being aware of how they behave towards others & what their attitudes are to people of a different generation. It is very easy to slip into self satisfied prejudices. I don't know whether I can do it, but I am trying.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Pro Active Healthcare
I saw a consultant this week & have to have laparoscopic Gall Bladder surgery & an Endoscopy. Not too worried about the former, but I've had an Endoscopy & know what a horrible procedure it is. So will be quite stressed.
The reason that this is of any interest is because of the diagnosis process. It all stems from chest pain I've been having for about 18 months. The first time I contacted the surgery out of hours they called out an ambulance because of suspected heart attack. It wasn't. So I was able to stop a needless ambulance call when it happened again. The on call doctor was very helpful, but was surprised that no one had pursued gall stones as a possible cause. He told me to go to the surgery & ask for an ultrasound scan.
Well, we all tend to believe that doctors know what they are doing. So when the GP told me that it wasn't gall stones it was reflux I believed him and accepted his advice that I didn't need a scan. Fortunately I go to a good accupuncturist, who agreed with the gall stones diagnosis. So I contacted the senior partner who arranged the scan, which confirmed the gall stones, hence the visit to the consultant.
My first query is why the GP didn't err on the side of caution & accept the recommendation of the out of hours doctor. Cynically I wonder if it is a question of cost. How lucky that I was confident enough to pursue the matter.
My accupuncturist suggested I go the route, which he had done successfully, of dispersing the stones naturally through diet. First you soften the stones, then you drink a mixture which makes you excrete them. The consultant knew about this when I asked, but advised against it because there is "no scientific evidence that it works". His advice was that because the Gall Bladder is diseased there is no alternative to surgery.
So my second question is how on earth a patient is supposed to make a decision when there are two diametrically opposing views as to treatment? Also why research isn't done into natural methods of dealing with ailments? Because of the medical profession's obsession with evidence based treatments, more natural & anecdotally successful methods are not being tried & researched. Many of these treatments have been around for years & do seem to have been successful. They are certainly far less invasive than surgery with all it's attendant risks.
I do wonder if surgeons are pre-disposed to surgery to the exclusion of alternatives. I'm a "high risk" patient because of my heart problems. I have no way of knowing whether the natural method or the surgery is more of a risk for me. Frankly it's a lottery. I will do what the surgeon says, partly because I'm concerned about going the other route living alone as I do. There could be complications even from the "natural" method, & I don't much fancy being on my own if they arise.
I'm left with the thought that it's my body & I want to be in a position to make the best decision for me & be helped to do that. Not sure that happens in today's NHS. I also think that patients have a responsibility to look after themselves and manage their own conditions, a view which the NHS is endorsing more and more. But if the NHS want us to do that, they have to provide the information & facilities to enable it to happen. We each know our body better than any doctor. I don't want paternalistic, god like, doctors - usually men. I want open minded people who listen to the information I give & respect it.
The reason that this is of any interest is because of the diagnosis process. It all stems from chest pain I've been having for about 18 months. The first time I contacted the surgery out of hours they called out an ambulance because of suspected heart attack. It wasn't. So I was able to stop a needless ambulance call when it happened again. The on call doctor was very helpful, but was surprised that no one had pursued gall stones as a possible cause. He told me to go to the surgery & ask for an ultrasound scan.
Well, we all tend to believe that doctors know what they are doing. So when the GP told me that it wasn't gall stones it was reflux I believed him and accepted his advice that I didn't need a scan. Fortunately I go to a good accupuncturist, who agreed with the gall stones diagnosis. So I contacted the senior partner who arranged the scan, which confirmed the gall stones, hence the visit to the consultant.
My first query is why the GP didn't err on the side of caution & accept the recommendation of the out of hours doctor. Cynically I wonder if it is a question of cost. How lucky that I was confident enough to pursue the matter.
My accupuncturist suggested I go the route, which he had done successfully, of dispersing the stones naturally through diet. First you soften the stones, then you drink a mixture which makes you excrete them. The consultant knew about this when I asked, but advised against it because there is "no scientific evidence that it works". His advice was that because the Gall Bladder is diseased there is no alternative to surgery.
So my second question is how on earth a patient is supposed to make a decision when there are two diametrically opposing views as to treatment? Also why research isn't done into natural methods of dealing with ailments? Because of the medical profession's obsession with evidence based treatments, more natural & anecdotally successful methods are not being tried & researched. Many of these treatments have been around for years & do seem to have been successful. They are certainly far less invasive than surgery with all it's attendant risks.
I do wonder if surgeons are pre-disposed to surgery to the exclusion of alternatives. I'm a "high risk" patient because of my heart problems. I have no way of knowing whether the natural method or the surgery is more of a risk for me. Frankly it's a lottery. I will do what the surgeon says, partly because I'm concerned about going the other route living alone as I do. There could be complications even from the "natural" method, & I don't much fancy being on my own if they arise.
I'm left with the thought that it's my body & I want to be in a position to make the best decision for me & be helped to do that. Not sure that happens in today's NHS. I also think that patients have a responsibility to look after themselves and manage their own conditions, a view which the NHS is endorsing more and more. But if the NHS want us to do that, they have to provide the information & facilities to enable it to happen. We each know our body better than any doctor. I don't want paternalistic, god like, doctors - usually men. I want open minded people who listen to the information I give & respect it.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Chinks of light
Second counselling session yesterday. It is interesting how much freer you are to talk openly to an impartial person who really listens & isn't judgmental. So often people just want to tell you their problems & news. I had a very long conversation with a friend the other day & in truth my contributions were monosyllabic, but I know every detail of what has been happening in her life. I find it very difficult to tell someone about what is going on with me, unless they give me an opening by asking questions.
One of the things which resonated with me in the counselling was the counsellor saying that unless there are cracks no light can shine through. In other words, I need to let people see that I am not this super organised, coping person that they seem to think I am. I do have good days & bad days & truly dreadful days too. I just don't tend to talk about it. I certainly don't think I have ever rung someone up or knocked on their door when things have been really bad. Having said that there have been people who have been in the right place at the right time, who have really helped enormously. I suppose it is independence, but it is also a belief that I am the only person who can solve my problems.
However as I age & become more limited in what I can do because of my health problems I suppose I am going to have to learn to be more honest and open. And I am going to have to ask for help.
In the meantime I do think the counselling is helping, because it is making me see that good communication is really important & that involves not just listening, which I seem to do a lot of, but also telling it how it really is. No wo/man is an island - & if they are it's a very lonely place.
One of the things which resonated with me in the counselling was the counsellor saying that unless there are cracks no light can shine through. In other words, I need to let people see that I am not this super organised, coping person that they seem to think I am. I do have good days & bad days & truly dreadful days too. I just don't tend to talk about it. I certainly don't think I have ever rung someone up or knocked on their door when things have been really bad. Having said that there have been people who have been in the right place at the right time, who have really helped enormously. I suppose it is independence, but it is also a belief that I am the only person who can solve my problems.
However as I age & become more limited in what I can do because of my health problems I suppose I am going to have to learn to be more honest and open. And I am going to have to ask for help.
In the meantime I do think the counselling is helping, because it is making me see that good communication is really important & that involves not just listening, which I seem to do a lot of, but also telling it how it really is. No wo/man is an island - & if they are it's a very lonely place.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Counselling
Well, encouraged by various friends I had my first session today. It was very interesting, useful and emotional.
It is my experience that people have expectations about how one should deal with grief & trauma. My friends seem to vary between thinking that I have coped amazingly well with all the traumatic events since the beginning of 2009, and feeling that I "haven't dealt properly" with David's death. My counsellor helped me to see that my way is my way and is valid because of that. But she also helped me to see that maybe I have to let people see that I am not this superhuman, competent, woman who can deal with anything life throws at me. I do find it hard - extremely hard at times, and my family & friends need to know that if they are to help me when I need it. Not sure how to do that, but can see that my "front" can stop people from approaching the subject.
She also made me see that it is reasonable to feel angry with David for going up the ladder & effectively ending his life, thus depriving me of 20+ more happy years. Also for leaving the financial stuff in such a mess that it still isn't sorted despite the fact that I have a paid financial advisor now. Dave wasn't perfect by any means. She suggested that I talk to him more often.
A big issue for me was why I seem to have had a big crisis every year. It's remarkably simple. Both times so far have been when I have been doing something lovely, which I know he would have enjoyed, but I have been alone. That is really an important insight.
So I'm going to carry on & am really pleased to have met my counsellor, who I liked enormously & had a lot in common with. It's taken me well over 2 years to get round to it, but the time was right. It's Karma.
It is my experience that people have expectations about how one should deal with grief & trauma. My friends seem to vary between thinking that I have coped amazingly well with all the traumatic events since the beginning of 2009, and feeling that I "haven't dealt properly" with David's death. My counsellor helped me to see that my way is my way and is valid because of that. But she also helped me to see that maybe I have to let people see that I am not this superhuman, competent, woman who can deal with anything life throws at me. I do find it hard - extremely hard at times, and my family & friends need to know that if they are to help me when I need it. Not sure how to do that, but can see that my "front" can stop people from approaching the subject.
She also made me see that it is reasonable to feel angry with David for going up the ladder & effectively ending his life, thus depriving me of 20+ more happy years. Also for leaving the financial stuff in such a mess that it still isn't sorted despite the fact that I have a paid financial advisor now. Dave wasn't perfect by any means. She suggested that I talk to him more often.
A big issue for me was why I seem to have had a big crisis every year. It's remarkably simple. Both times so far have been when I have been doing something lovely, which I know he would have enjoyed, but I have been alone. That is really an important insight.
So I'm going to carry on & am really pleased to have met my counsellor, who I liked enormously & had a lot in common with. It's taken me well over 2 years to get round to it, but the time was right. It's Karma.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Religion.
Going on a Pilgrimage makes you think. Seeing the Catholic churches of Northern Spain confirmed what I have thought about some of the established religions for a long time. I really don't have much time for them on any level.
Firstly, God, if s/he exists, surely doesn't want or need all of the opulence of churches drenched in silver, gold, jewels, exquisite artwork & beautiful adornments for the priesthood. Especially when you know that much of the wealth was stolen from South American indigenous peoples whose lives & culture was destroyed, or tithed from poor ignorant people who knew no better. I can admire the skill of craftsmen who created the artifacts and enjoy their intrinsic beauty. But I abhor the creation of a class of men raised above ordinary people and dressed in finery.
I don't feel the need to have an intermediary between me and God. I really don't see why God wouldn't be able to hear me when I talk to him/her. Similarly I cannot understand why I should need Mary, an apostle or a saint to intercede for me or help God hear what I'm saying. Surely God is omnipotent? It can't be that difficult.
However I do admire people of faith who give up their lives to help others. It's the trappings of power I object to. And that's the problem, it seems to me that much of the Established church was all about wealth, power & fear. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you who had the wealth & power & who was in fear.
I don't have a problem with the beautiful, soaring architecture in which people can come together to worship. I personally don't feel the need to join with others to communicate with God. But I can understand the need of others to do that in a special building that represents something outside the normal run of human life. Man's achievement in creating cathedrals & churches is truly amazing.
I think that if we viewed churches & Cathedrals as museums containing treasures created by man, at a time when the Church held sway and was central to the lives of most people, then it would be a healthier relationship. Todays church needs to find a more relevant way of communicating with people & helping them develop a moral compass & spiritual relationship with the world they live in. So far I don't see too many signs that the church even understands the problem.
Firstly, God, if s/he exists, surely doesn't want or need all of the opulence of churches drenched in silver, gold, jewels, exquisite artwork & beautiful adornments for the priesthood. Especially when you know that much of the wealth was stolen from South American indigenous peoples whose lives & culture was destroyed, or tithed from poor ignorant people who knew no better. I can admire the skill of craftsmen who created the artifacts and enjoy their intrinsic beauty. But I abhor the creation of a class of men raised above ordinary people and dressed in finery.
I don't feel the need to have an intermediary between me and God. I really don't see why God wouldn't be able to hear me when I talk to him/her. Similarly I cannot understand why I should need Mary, an apostle or a saint to intercede for me or help God hear what I'm saying. Surely God is omnipotent? It can't be that difficult.
However I do admire people of faith who give up their lives to help others. It's the trappings of power I object to. And that's the problem, it seems to me that much of the Established church was all about wealth, power & fear. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you who had the wealth & power & who was in fear.
I don't have a problem with the beautiful, soaring architecture in which people can come together to worship. I personally don't feel the need to join with others to communicate with God. But I can understand the need of others to do that in a special building that represents something outside the normal run of human life. Man's achievement in creating cathedrals & churches is truly amazing.
I think that if we viewed churches & Cathedrals as museums containing treasures created by man, at a time when the Church held sway and was central to the lives of most people, then it would be a healthier relationship. Todays church needs to find a more relevant way of communicating with people & helping them develop a moral compass & spiritual relationship with the world they live in. So far I don't see too many signs that the church even understands the problem.
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Pilgrimage 2
I've just got back from doing the pilgrimage from Bilbao to Santiago de Compostella in Northern Spain. Before I give the wrong impression, I should clarify that it was done by coach interspersed with walks, & not on foot all the way. I have nothing but admiration for those who do walk or cycle it, but I couldn't do it, so I took the easy way.
It is fascinating because you travel through some of Spain's most diverse & beautiful landscapes. The architecture is "amazing", as our lovely guide Emma said. Although I do have to say that I feel that we "overdosed" on the "more is more" style of Spanish Baroque. Give me the simplicity of Romanesque any time.
The local food is really good, made from fresh ingredients, and varies from area to area with lots of seafood. The wine's not bad either & there was quite a lot of it! The speciality Quiemada drink is a killer.
The people are very helpful & friendly. I found myself people watching a lot, both the locals & the people on the trip with me. My fellow pilgrims were a diverse lot, from those who knew nothing about where they were going to those who, like me, had wanted to do it for years & knew a great deal about the places & history. Chaucer had it about right I think, the sheer diversity of people's motives & character is endlessly interesting and entertaining. Our group got on remarkably well & had a great time. There are always going to be some who will not have their expectations met, but tolerance is all, and if you can't be generous of spirit on a Pilgrimage, when can you?
It is the sort of experience which does promote philosophical thought. About yourself & others & also about life. I thought a lot about David & Pip & left a memorial stone at Cruz de Hierro the Camino's highest point. David would have loved to do this walk, so I did find it all a bit hard.
The journey is internal as well as external & physical. If you are open and aware and "in the moment" I think there are lessons to take away with you. Life is a journey. It isn't the destination that is important. It is how you get there.
I don't believe in most of the tenets of Western established religions. I think they are man, (and I do mean man), made creations. But I do admire people who believe, & what is more important, try to live by the teachings of those beliefs. I do think there is good and evil within us all and I wish I could be as charitable & good as some of the people I have met on the two pilgrimages I have been on. So long as the majority of people aspire to be as good as they can be there is hope for the human race. I do wonder whether we are at a tipping point though & in danger of being overwhelmed by greed, selfishness & lust for posessions & power, and all the other base human traits.
It is fascinating because you travel through some of Spain's most diverse & beautiful landscapes. The architecture is "amazing", as our lovely guide Emma said. Although I do have to say that I feel that we "overdosed" on the "more is more" style of Spanish Baroque. Give me the simplicity of Romanesque any time.
The local food is really good, made from fresh ingredients, and varies from area to area with lots of seafood. The wine's not bad either & there was quite a lot of it! The speciality Quiemada drink is a killer.
The people are very helpful & friendly. I found myself people watching a lot, both the locals & the people on the trip with me. My fellow pilgrims were a diverse lot, from those who knew nothing about where they were going to those who, like me, had wanted to do it for years & knew a great deal about the places & history. Chaucer had it about right I think, the sheer diversity of people's motives & character is endlessly interesting and entertaining. Our group got on remarkably well & had a great time. There are always going to be some who will not have their expectations met, but tolerance is all, and if you can't be generous of spirit on a Pilgrimage, when can you?
It is the sort of experience which does promote philosophical thought. About yourself & others & also about life. I thought a lot about David & Pip & left a memorial stone at Cruz de Hierro the Camino's highest point. David would have loved to do this walk, so I did find it all a bit hard.
The journey is internal as well as external & physical. If you are open and aware and "in the moment" I think there are lessons to take away with you. Life is a journey. It isn't the destination that is important. It is how you get there.
I don't believe in most of the tenets of Western established religions. I think they are man, (and I do mean man), made creations. But I do admire people who believe, & what is more important, try to live by the teachings of those beliefs. I do think there is good and evil within us all and I wish I could be as charitable & good as some of the people I have met on the two pilgrimages I have been on. So long as the majority of people aspire to be as good as they can be there is hope for the human race. I do wonder whether we are at a tipping point though & in danger of being overwhelmed by greed, selfishness & lust for posessions & power, and all the other base human traits.
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