Of life? I don't know. Since being widowed I find getting up in the morning difficult. I wonder why bother? But I do, & then I am always busy. I don't "do" sitting around, certainly not watching day time TV, reading magazines, just listening to the radio or music.
I do the normal everyday things that we all have to do to maintain a life in the 21st century. The house and garden take lots of time & effort, despite the fact that I have a cleaner & a gardener for a few hours every fortnight. I still have to shop & cook to eat. Managing my financial affairs & paperwork seem to take inordinate amounts of my time & are often stressful because of the basic incompetence of so many of these institutions. Everything that 2 people did now I do. So it all takes time.
I swim regularly & see friends & neighbours & my daughter & her family. I don't mind my own company, I'm not actually lonely I don't think. I just miss David every day. Not all the time, but without fail every day. He was my best friend & my life centred around him despite the fact that we were both very independent & had our own interests. We were symbiotic & nothing can replace that. No one else knows me as well as he did.
I have an interesting variety of volunteer jobs - a tutor for the NHS Expert Patient Programme - a lay member of a NHS Health Technology Assessment Programme panel - a member of the Independent monitoring Board of Gloucester Prison. They are all challenging but very worthwhile & I get as much or more from doing them as I give to them. But I'm beginning to wonder why I'm doing them. They are all work. I'm 66 and like all of us I'm dying. But death is closer now than it was when I was 20 or 30.
My Calvanistic work ethic has always driven me, but isn't it time to feel the sun & smell the roses? Shouldn't I break the habit of a lifetime & be spontaneous & unpredictable? Could I? I don't know.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Friday, 18 March 2011
NHS - Not a Healthy Service.
I'm a "thick file patient". God was having an off day when s/he created me. I have several chronic conditions which I have had for many years & which affect everything I do in my life every day. Pain & fatigue are constants.
I also work for them as a volunteer in several ways. So, I know about the NHS. If we are to maintain the NHS into the future we all need to participate in a difficult discussion about what we want it to be. What it can & should do.
As a patient I want to be treated as a holistic individual. I am a whole person - a complex inter-related system. The NHS is lots of discreet little empires presided over by consultants who protect their individual territories. From the patient perspective it is a time wasting, repetitive, burocracy which does not communicate effectively in the interests of the patient.
If I have an appointment with a medic, I want to know that I will be seen within a reasonable amount of time of that appointment - say half an hour. Otherwise what is the point of an appointment system? The reality is that all too often I have had to wait for hours in an unappealing waiting room.
Worse still is waiting for hours after a hospital admission or emergency situation. Exactly the same questions are often asked by several different medics within a relatively short space of time.
The obvious solution to this is for the NHS to mount a factfinding piece of research shadowing individual patient real experience & collating the results to find patterns & improve delivery.
We should also be discussing the realities of funding health treatments. What should be funded, what not & why. If I am terminally ill do I have the right to expensive treatment which everyone knows will only prolong my life for a relatively short time? We seem to have reached a point where death is not acceptable, rather than accepting that we are all dying from the moment of birth. The preservation of life at all costs seems to have become a Holy Mantra. This is unbalanced & unsustainable. Why prolong life artificially just because we can & maybe condem to a life that has no real quality?
Why do we not ask patients to pay towards the normal costs of living when they are in hospital and therefore not paying those costs at home? Things like food could quite reasonably be charged to patients or their families. Not only would you save the costs of the raw materials, but also the whole infrastructure. Why do hospital staff get subsidised canteens?
We need a contract between the NHS & the patient with a clear statement of what the roles & responsibilities of each are. If patients are significantly & deliberately contributing to their health problems do they have the same rights as those who are not? Should we all be paying for treatments for those patients, which are doomed to failure, to the detriment of the whole service?
If people chose to participate in dangerous sports or activities why do we not insist that they or their employers have medical insurance for those activities? Why should the taxpayer pay for what is often very expensive, self inflicted risk?
I may not know the answers, but I think we should be having the discussion because the present system is not fit for purpose & is unsustainable. Costs are reaching epidemic proportions, the patient is sick. Most health professionals probably try to do a good job, but there is systemic failure. The prognosis is that the condition will worsen. We have to prescribe the treatment now.
I also work for them as a volunteer in several ways. So, I know about the NHS. If we are to maintain the NHS into the future we all need to participate in a difficult discussion about what we want it to be. What it can & should do.
As a patient I want to be treated as a holistic individual. I am a whole person - a complex inter-related system. The NHS is lots of discreet little empires presided over by consultants who protect their individual territories. From the patient perspective it is a time wasting, repetitive, burocracy which does not communicate effectively in the interests of the patient.
If I have an appointment with a medic, I want to know that I will be seen within a reasonable amount of time of that appointment - say half an hour. Otherwise what is the point of an appointment system? The reality is that all too often I have had to wait for hours in an unappealing waiting room.
Worse still is waiting for hours after a hospital admission or emergency situation. Exactly the same questions are often asked by several different medics within a relatively short space of time.
The obvious solution to this is for the NHS to mount a factfinding piece of research shadowing individual patient real experience & collating the results to find patterns & improve delivery.
We should also be discussing the realities of funding health treatments. What should be funded, what not & why. If I am terminally ill do I have the right to expensive treatment which everyone knows will only prolong my life for a relatively short time? We seem to have reached a point where death is not acceptable, rather than accepting that we are all dying from the moment of birth. The preservation of life at all costs seems to have become a Holy Mantra. This is unbalanced & unsustainable. Why prolong life artificially just because we can & maybe condem to a life that has no real quality?
Why do we not ask patients to pay towards the normal costs of living when they are in hospital and therefore not paying those costs at home? Things like food could quite reasonably be charged to patients or their families. Not only would you save the costs of the raw materials, but also the whole infrastructure. Why do hospital staff get subsidised canteens?
We need a contract between the NHS & the patient with a clear statement of what the roles & responsibilities of each are. If patients are significantly & deliberately contributing to their health problems do they have the same rights as those who are not? Should we all be paying for treatments for those patients, which are doomed to failure, to the detriment of the whole service?
If people chose to participate in dangerous sports or activities why do we not insist that they or their employers have medical insurance for those activities? Why should the taxpayer pay for what is often very expensive, self inflicted risk?
I may not know the answers, but I think we should be having the discussion because the present system is not fit for purpose & is unsustainable. Costs are reaching epidemic proportions, the patient is sick. Most health professionals probably try to do a good job, but there is systemic failure. The prognosis is that the condition will worsen. We have to prescribe the treatment now.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Fiddling while Libya burns.
I can't imagine why we think that useful & meaningful consensus is possible in organisations like NATO, the UN, & the European Union. The chances of speedy & appropriate decision making seem to me non-existant. There are so many countries with hugely different cultures & agendas, never mind the self interest of politicians who want to mark out their territory & retain power.
Once again history shows us how ineffectual & downright negligent these organisations have been in the past. Why do we expect them to change?
Just think how difficult it is to get consensus in a family, a committee, or a group of people with the same language & similar cultural background. Everyone thinks that their opinion is valid & is willing to defend it come what may, or worse still, stop reasonable action being taken.
When the decisions are as complex as whether to invade another sovereign countries space no wonder politicians dither. Especially when, as in this case, many would like to see the status quo remain because of the agreements & ties they have to this corrupt regime.
Surely what matters is how we as individuals defend the rights of other individuals, wherever they live, not to be shot at, bombed & tortured by their own government. We all know what Human Rights are. Why aren't we prepared to defend them when they are obviously being flouted? Why do we feel that there is nothing we can do as individuals? Surely this recent domino effect people power has taught each one of us how powerful we can be if we voice our concerns & views collectively?
I really wish I felt hope for the people of Libya and all the other countries in the world in a similar plight. I wish I felt that right would prevail against cruel & despotic men who care nothing for ordinary men, women & children. I don't. We powerful Western Nations, or rather our politicians, put ourselves & our needs first. Nothing must be allowed to threaten our ability to maintain our unsustainable & selfish way of life.
Until ordinary men and women make their voices heard and say this is not acceptable nothing will change. I fear for my grandchildren & the world they will inherit.
Once again history shows us how ineffectual & downright negligent these organisations have been in the past. Why do we expect them to change?
Just think how difficult it is to get consensus in a family, a committee, or a group of people with the same language & similar cultural background. Everyone thinks that their opinion is valid & is willing to defend it come what may, or worse still, stop reasonable action being taken.
When the decisions are as complex as whether to invade another sovereign countries space no wonder politicians dither. Especially when, as in this case, many would like to see the status quo remain because of the agreements & ties they have to this corrupt regime.
Surely what matters is how we as individuals defend the rights of other individuals, wherever they live, not to be shot at, bombed & tortured by their own government. We all know what Human Rights are. Why aren't we prepared to defend them when they are obviously being flouted? Why do we feel that there is nothing we can do as individuals? Surely this recent domino effect people power has taught each one of us how powerful we can be if we voice our concerns & views collectively?
I really wish I felt hope for the people of Libya and all the other countries in the world in a similar plight. I wish I felt that right would prevail against cruel & despotic men who care nothing for ordinary men, women & children. I don't. We powerful Western Nations, or rather our politicians, put ourselves & our needs first. Nothing must be allowed to threaten our ability to maintain our unsustainable & selfish way of life.
Until ordinary men and women make their voices heard and say this is not acceptable nothing will change. I fear for my grandchildren & the world they will inherit.
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Belief
I don't have much time for the established church, or religion in general. Most religions seem to be very hierarchical and male dominated to me. Throughout history religion has been responsible for huge injustice, & terrible acts of cruelty & inhumanity. Religions spawn small fundamentalist sects who are responsible for division & exclusivity and an arrogant belief in their own superiority.
I do, however, belive in the basic tenets of many religions - the code by which we should live our lives - our moral compass. If we could all only genuinely try to live by these simple rules we might stand a chance of surviving as human beings in a better world.
If there is a God s/he is the God of everyone. S/he does not require wonderful buildings or rich & expensive vestments for priests. In fact why should s/he require priests at all? Why should we need to speak to God through Mary or Jesus or a Prophet or Pope? Why shouldn't we have a direct dialogue with God?
My belief system is about treating other people as I would wish to be treated. About respecting difference & individuality. About caring for my fellow human beings & the world in which we live and the huge bio-diversity within that. Heaven & Hell exist only within each of us. Our lives are finite & infinitesimal & we live on only in the memories of our loved ones & friends. That memory should be loving and positive.
Life is a journey of learning and experience. We should be better people when we "depart this mortal coil" than we were when we were born. (How could a baby possibly be born in "original sin"?) Every action each of us makes has an impact on everything & everybody around us, however small. We should strive not to make that impact negative in any way.
Life is a hard act. but we should at least try to be the best we can. If there are failures, and there will be, that should just renew our determination to keep trying.
I do, however, belive in the basic tenets of many religions - the code by which we should live our lives - our moral compass. If we could all only genuinely try to live by these simple rules we might stand a chance of surviving as human beings in a better world.
If there is a God s/he is the God of everyone. S/he does not require wonderful buildings or rich & expensive vestments for priests. In fact why should s/he require priests at all? Why should we need to speak to God through Mary or Jesus or a Prophet or Pope? Why shouldn't we have a direct dialogue with God?
My belief system is about treating other people as I would wish to be treated. About respecting difference & individuality. About caring for my fellow human beings & the world in which we live and the huge bio-diversity within that. Heaven & Hell exist only within each of us. Our lives are finite & infinitesimal & we live on only in the memories of our loved ones & friends. That memory should be loving and positive.
Life is a journey of learning and experience. We should be better people when we "depart this mortal coil" than we were when we were born. (How could a baby possibly be born in "original sin"?) Every action each of us makes has an impact on everything & everybody around us, however small. We should strive not to make that impact negative in any way.
Life is a hard act. but we should at least try to be the best we can. If there are failures, and there will be, that should just renew our determination to keep trying.
Monday, 7 March 2011
Swimathon
I'm doing this for Marie Curie Cancer care. Nothing exceptional - a mile done in 2 x 32 length sessions. Because I can't swim after the cataract ops I've already done the swims. For the first time I'm managing the sponsorship on their website and I'm most impressed with what a win win situation it is. I really dislike having to put family, friends & neighbours on the spot to sponsor me. This way there is none of the moral blackmail. I send Marie Curie's email to selected email addresses & they can either sponsor me for as much or as little as they like, or ignore the request. I'm really delighted I have already more than doubled my modest target.
My Dad died of lung cancer & my daughter's best friend, who is also a lovely friend of mine, has terminal lung cancer too. I've seen the effect of this terrible disease first hand, also the hugely beneficial work done by charities in providing palliative care. It sems wrong to me that this care has to be provided by charities in a wealthy Western society. Everyone should have access to good palliative care. But while this situation exists we need to support the charities.
My Dad died of lung cancer & my daughter's best friend, who is also a lovely friend of mine, has terminal lung cancer too. I've seen the effect of this terrible disease first hand, also the hugely beneficial work done by charities in providing palliative care. It sems wrong to me that this care has to be provided by charities in a wealthy Western society. Everyone should have access to good palliative care. But while this situation exists we need to support the charities.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
The Complexity of Life
How did life get like this? (See my rant about Banks & Insurances). My BT phone contract came to an end yesterday & I wanted to change to Primus, a cheaper provider. So I rang BT today to find out what was happening about the contract. A huge & inappropriate menu of choices to make on the automated system resulted in conversations with 3 different people in different departments. The upshot was that they say they sent me a letter a month ago, which I didn't receive, & they have now put me on a new one year contract which I have to pay a penalty to get out of.
What right do companies have to put customers on new contracts without permission to do so? Why do the people in phone centres have such limited powers to address problems properly? Why the reluctance to let customers speak to Customer Service Managers when the problem isn't being resolved - I do realise it is Sunday. (A BT C.S. Manager is supposedly going to ring me tomorrow - I won't hold my breath.)
But most of all, why do we have to waste huge amounts of time trying to ensure that we get a decent deal as customers?
I could also go on about Royal Mail. This isn't the first letter I haven't received over the last few months. To state the obvious you don't know you haven't received something if you didn't know it was coming. How many black holes do they have in their sorting offices? If I was the Queen I'd be distancing myself from them or publishing a disclaimer!
What right do companies have to put customers on new contracts without permission to do so? Why do the people in phone centres have such limited powers to address problems properly? Why the reluctance to let customers speak to Customer Service Managers when the problem isn't being resolved - I do realise it is Sunday. (A BT C.S. Manager is supposedly going to ring me tomorrow - I won't hold my breath.)
But most of all, why do we have to waste huge amounts of time trying to ensure that we get a decent deal as customers?
I could also go on about Royal Mail. This isn't the first letter I haven't received over the last few months. To state the obvious you don't know you haven't received something if you didn't know it was coming. How many black holes do they have in their sorting offices? If I was the Queen I'd be distancing myself from them or publishing a disclaimer!
Friday, 4 March 2011
Busy Doing Nothing
I don't do "nothing"- Calvanistic work ethic deeply embedded in my psyche. So forced idleness due to cataract op simply not posssible. I have done:-
Calvin has a lot to answer for, so has my mother! Maybe after two eyes I will be a new me in more ways than one.
- Crosswords & codewords.
- Cleaned out some cupboards & drawers.
- Read - "Mirrors of the Unseen - Journeys in Iran" by Jason Elliot. (Not an easy read, but very interesting, especially on Islamic art & architecture).
- Listened to the radio & CD player.
- Drunk many cups of tea / coffee & eaten biscuits & cake.
- Walked every day so far for at least half an hour - (to counteract the effects of the previous).
- Paperwork & Emails.
- Some housework.
- Spoken to friends & my daughter on the phone.
Calvin has a lot to answer for, so has my mother! Maybe after two eyes I will be a new me in more ways than one.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Blind as a Bat 2
Well - if anyone out there has to have a cataract operation I'm proof that you don't need to worry at all. It is a pain free, straightforward & quick procedure with almost miraculous results.
Taken to & from hospital by my lovely daughter. In hospital from 8am for just over 3 hours, actual op about 20 minutes. Lots of drops beforehand to numb the eye & one injection which doesn't hurt a bit. Couldn't see anything of the actual surgery because the head is under a little oxygenated tent with just one opening for the eye to be operated on. Images are blurred in this eye & all I saw was bright light & shadows. Felt absolutely nothing.
Afterwards I was a bit unsteady on my feet, vision was blurred, & I had disconcerting double vision. This made it look as if there were 2 roads of traffic coming directly towards me on the drive home. (Daughter driving, not me!)
The eye felt a bit gritty & I was quite tired once I got home. The vision improved hourly & in the end I removed the fetching little eye patch because in fact it was stopping me seeing almost perfectly.
Today I had slept well, managed a shower & also got the drops in without any trouble. Virtually back to normal, except I can now see distance really clearly in the eye. Having worn glasses since primary school this is wonderful. All this without a long wait & delivered by a very competent team of professionals. Well done NHS.
Taken to & from hospital by my lovely daughter. In hospital from 8am for just over 3 hours, actual op about 20 minutes. Lots of drops beforehand to numb the eye & one injection which doesn't hurt a bit. Couldn't see anything of the actual surgery because the head is under a little oxygenated tent with just one opening for the eye to be operated on. Images are blurred in this eye & all I saw was bright light & shadows. Felt absolutely nothing.
Afterwards I was a bit unsteady on my feet, vision was blurred, & I had disconcerting double vision. This made it look as if there were 2 roads of traffic coming directly towards me on the drive home. (Daughter driving, not me!)
The eye felt a bit gritty & I was quite tired once I got home. The vision improved hourly & in the end I removed the fetching little eye patch because in fact it was stopping me seeing almost perfectly.
Today I had slept well, managed a shower & also got the drops in without any trouble. Virtually back to normal, except I can now see distance really clearly in the eye. Having worn glasses since primary school this is wonderful. All this without a long wait & delivered by a very competent team of professionals. Well done NHS.
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