To Care or Not to Care - That is the Question

How much should I care? Who or what should I care about?

There is a largely unspoken expectation that people should care for their partners,children & their own parents. That can now result in lifelong caring for others. Sometimes to the extent that ones own "life" is lost. How much is it reasonable to give up your own "life" for someone else? How long for? When do your own needs take precedence?

Then there are all the things affecting populations in the world today we should care about. War, displacement of people, poverty & deprivation of basic needs, famine...

How much should we care about endangered species, loss of wildlife, loss of habitat, man made damage due to farming methods, deforestation, pollution...? Future Human existance could be at serious risk.

Possibly over all of that there is climate change to care about.

It all seems overwhelming. So much we as individuals need to be aware of & try to do something about before it's too late. Such complex moral issues.

What we must not do is lose our moral compass. We need to listen to that inner voice of conscience & compassion. We do need to speak out & be prepared to act, whilst keeping our own sense of what is right or wrong.

Silence is not an option. Retreating into our own small lives is not an option. Things need to change. Politicians worldwide need to be forced to take action against issues which are undoubtedly difficult to navigate.

The world seems to be at a tipping point. There is a danger that individuals will feel that they have no control & so cease caring. We have to care or we lose not only our humanity but possibly bring about consequences so dire that they don't bear thinking about.

    

How Are You?

I'm fine, how are you?

That's the typical response from the majority of people, regardless of the truth. There are a few people who will download all their current & past symptoms, but most of us don't. We Brits assume that it's a rhetorical question, that no one is actually really interested. Also, heaven forbid, most of us don't want to bore the listener. Again, apart from the few who don't have the capacity to read body language!

The thing is that you have to wonder why we ask the question in the first place? Like so much social interaction it's a bit formulaic. Our conversations about the weather fall into the same category.

Actually you can't have deep and meaningful conversations with everyone you meet. We need the non committal, non controversial, conversation gambits to ease social interaction. We have to carefully select the people we want to have real conversations with.

That's what friendship is about. Being able to tell someone everything & listen properly to them too. The people you can talk to about anything & everything should be treasured. They are few & far between.

We all need both - friends & acquaintances, especially as families are splintered & separated much more now than they used to be. Historically families stayed close, in both senses of the word, in a way that has largely disappeared now. Families really knew you through years of living together. You knew you could rely on family for support & comfort.

We have created a country full of lonliness & isolation.
https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/loneliness-research/

We also have worrying levels of mental illness in our children.
https://digital.nhs.uk/data-and-information/publications/statistical/mental-health-of-children-and-young-people-in-england/2017/2017

I think we really need to look at the detrimental effects of the way we live today. If we ask "How are you?" perhaps we should think about what we are saying & try to really be interested in the response - Not accepting a bland, non committal reply.

 

 

Everything's Going Wrong!

I feel as if I'm trapped in a little vortex of things going wrong.

• My boiler, which I only had serviced before Christmas, & which recently came out of it's 5 year guarantee, keeps losing pressure & stopping. (Typical "Sods Law"). The plumber replaced something very expensive the first time & keeps coming out & saying there is nothing wrong with it, but there is no evidence of a leak anywhere. Plumbers are not cheap.
• My TV suddenly decided that BBC1 & 2 were not available after I did a channel update. I updated again & fortunately BBC miraculously returned.
• Another TV suddenly stopped being smart. I also managed to sort that out. Obviously I'm smarter than TV's.
• A loo is leaking from the cistern into the pan. You can't just replace the washer. You have to replace the whole part at a ridiculous cost. Then I have to get a man out when the part comes.
• Another loo has supposedly stainless steel caps on the seat fixing which have discoloured a lot,(I discovered the cleaner was using Harpic to clean the whole loo!) So I had to replace the whole unit. Again at a ridiculous cost. However I did learn how to dismantle the loo seat - I'm quite proud of that.
• My 3 year old Wi Fi printer just told me it was "in an error state". It just didn't tell me what the error was! That was a costly call out too.

I'm now wondering what else can go wrong. I'm already on double my quota of 3 & January isn't over yet.

The thing is I'm lucky, I can afford to get someone in to fix the things I can't. It isn't really about money. It's more the time, effort & stress. A single life does have it's advantages, but I do miss having a husband who would:-
     a) Probably have understood how all of these things work.
     b) Probably had a clue what was wrong.
     c) Also probably been able to fix them.

Before you dismiss me as some lame woman, I did:-
     a) Look up the instruction manuals, neatly filed ready for such
        emergencies.
     b) Google what to do in each case - Don't you just love YouTube?
     c) Check all the radiators, floors & ceilings etc for signs of a leak.

I will never understand plumbing or WiFi though.

In 10 years of widowhood I have learnt patience & the utter pointlessness of worry. But all of this is getting me down quite a bit, particularly the boiler. I didn't get much sleep last night at the thought that there could be a leak somewhere in the house causing the loss of pressure. The fact that the pumbers don't seem to be able to fix it doesn't help. They are coming again tomorrow.

 

Parallel Universe

I am about to be very Politically Incorrect. I don't care. Blame it on old age & being a grumpy old woman.

I have decided that enforcement sanctions are failing for some people, who for a variety of reasons, designated by me, should not be allowed the luxury of living alongside the more socially minded who have some sort of moral compass. So I'm consigning them to a Parallel Universe.

It's my version of the TV programme "Room 101" but with more bite.

So, I would consign:-

• Verbally & physically abusive people. That seems to encompass various sins, so it's a question of degree & frequency.
• Grumpy old men & women - but obviously not me.
• People who simply cannot see the bright side of anything. Negativity really gets me down. (I would exclude from this people who are clinically depressed of course).
• People who think sarcasm is clever, especially when directed at children.
• People who are unable to wait their turn. Don't they realise most Brits queue patiently?
• People who think it is their right to park their cars, vans & lorries exactly where they like often obstructing pavements.
• People who don't keep their trees & hedges pruned so passing pedestrians end up walking into branches or having no space to walk.
• Cyclists who weave in & out of pedestrians on the pavement.
• People who seem to think that the person on the end of their mobile is deaf. Also add people on mobiles who don't look where they are going when walking.
• People who generally don't acknowledge a letter, text, email or present - manners cost nothing.
• Children who squander their opportunities, especially education. They could be sent to any developing country to see just how lucky they are & how much those who don't have free education value it & work hard.
• Similarly anyone who doesn't value our NHS. With all it's faults we are very lucky to have it.
• Politicians who are self interested & don't plan for the long term future, only the next election.
• People who do not accept that Global Warming is happening & is man made.
• People who don't respect the beautiful & complex biosphere we inhabit & are destroying it.

All, I'm afraid, would not be allowed to live in my world should I become a benign Dictator. All I really ask is that people should be kind, considerate & respectful. But that seems to be going out of fashion.

Or possibly I am going out of fashion, so I imagine that readers will be pleased that I'm not in charge.

 

Strangers

I was waiting for a bus recently & both I and another woman politely gestured to eachother to get on first. We laughed - So British, although she was foreign. We had a really interesting conversation on the bus. An enjoyable brief encounter.

I was ushering at a theatre a while ago. I was standing still collecting for a charity at the end of a performance. People were exiting & the foyer was really crowded. An elderly woman pushed past me literally knocking me off my feet. Fortunately I didn't fall onto the ground because people supported me. I turned to see if she was OK & instead of apologising she looked daggers at me & indicated I was in the way.

Our interractions with strangers vary enormously. How we are treated often depends on how we treat others - Are we polite, do we smile? Or, do we behave as if what we want is the most important thing at that moment?

In my experience the latter is becoming more the norm. People are so focussed on their goals, their rights, that they lose sight of other people who have different priorities of equal importance.

I was talking to a young plumber today. He was telling me some of his experiences with clients whose behaviour left a lot to be desired. I can understand that clients may be stressed if they need a plumber, but that doesn't excuse verbal abuse.

Why have some strangers become so self absorbed? Why do people feel that it is OK to be rude, verbally or even physically aggressive? Why do many people seem to have lost their personal inhibitors that make for a properly functioning society which values others rights?

I don't know. I think that we are more insular. We live at a time when many relationships break down. Commitment to anything seems to be less. We want instant gratification. We are focussed more on rights than responsibilities. Social media allows people to say anything with impunity. There just seems to be more anger & less empathy. We seem to be losing our ability to be social animals in the real sense of putting others first or at least equal.

Not only does it take a village to raise a child. For society to function well it takes everyone to work for the common good & treat everyone with respect & caring. I don't see a lot of evidence of that today. 

 

  

A Perfect Life - The Perfection Myth

"Perfection - flawlessness, excellence, superbness, sublimity, exquisiteness, magnificence, perfectness, faultlessness, impeccability, immaculateness, exemplariness"

A perfect life simply does not exist. We are human - no one is perfect. A more realistic goal would be to be happy. But no one can be happy all the time. Life interferes with happiness. Shit happens. 

We need uncertainty. We need success to celebrate & failure to overcome. We need to strive to be better. People can be irrational, we need to be able to deal with that - Our own & others. 

I also suspect that a perfect life could be very boring - No peaks & troughs. No good & bad days. No risk or reward. No fun or failure. Everyone has problems, some people just deal with them better than others.

All we can reasonably expect to have is perfect moments.

So I am wary of the perfect lives people seem to want to project in their dealings with others - in Social Media & the Media in general for example. A perfect face & body. Perfect clothes & accessories. Perfect homes & families. Perfect friends & social life.

Its all a myth - The Emperors Clothes writ large for all to see. A fairy story hiding a reality that few are brave enough to talk openly about. If we were all more honest & open then unrealistic expectations would not be promulgated to the young & inexperienced. 

Levels of depression & suicide are growing exponentially. I suggest it's because of the Perfection Myth. Actual life can't possibly live up to the Myth. People are disheartened & disappointed. They can't cope with the feeling of failure & life only being good for others.

There has to be balance in all things - Life is a roller coaster of experiences & emotions. We shouldn't expect anything else.

Smile!

I have deep furrows from the sides of my nose & from the sides of my mouth. The downward trajectory has always been there, but is now more pronounced. My face, in repose, looks quite disapproving & severe. It isn't the face I want to present to the world. It doesn't represent the way I feel.

I would prefer a calm or happy face.

I have been deliberately smiling at complete strangers for a while now. It works - They smile back. It's such a small thing to do, but it is very potent. Even if I'm making a complaint about something I try to smile. The complaint is rarely directed at the person I'm speaking to, so it isn't personal.

Smiling is good for the person who smiles & for the person who is smiled at.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201605/the-9-superpowers-your-smile

I think that in this world of ours, if we all made a conscious effort to smile, things would improve. You can't shout at someone if you are smiling. I doubt you could attack someone physically while smiling. Arguing while smiling seems counter intuitive.

Smiling & being polite & considerate costs nothing & takes no time at all. We seem to have forgotten how interact & behave well socially. We have become too busy & self obsessed. 

Look up as you walk around, make eye contact, smile. Even - horror of horrors - talk to strangers. Let's all make it a habit. The world would be a better place. 

😁😃😊 Lots of us send emojis - How much better to have a real smiley face.