Renovating a House

 I'm 76, so am into the phase of life when you know, with absolute certainty, that "the end is nigh". I would quite like to retain my independence, so I need to "future proof" the next however many years. My current house isn't appropriate for me. So I'm moving.

The house I'm buying is a mid wars 30's semi. It has had very little done to it since it was built & it doesn't have cavity walling. So there are quite a few issues. I need to have quite a lot of structural work done. Most of the ground floor walls will be removed to make an open plan family room & kitchen. I will possibly extend out the full width of the rear for 1 - 2 meters. There is no insulation which is a big issue. The front & back gardens need to be cleared. A garage will have to be underpinned or demolished.....I care about climate change so I'd like the house to be as eco as possible without going to "passive house" standards.

Quite a few friends either think I'm mad or are horrified at the time, disruption & cost of what I'm proposing to do. I'm a bit peeved that the government has just pulled the plug on the Green Homes Grant scheme. But I'm actually quite enjoying having a project.

It's a bit like quicksilver though. Things change all the time - eg - I don't need any planning involvement -> I just need to comply with "permitted development" rules -> I do need planning consent. Or, I only need a structural engineer -> I actually need an architect. 

 

I'm on the computer researching for hours every day. Windows, doors, insulation, materials, flooring, heating, kitchens, bathrooms, electrics, smart homes......  It's a bit like travelling. Planning the journey is just as interesting as actually going away.

I notice things. I have high standards. So the quality of the work matters to me. A lot. The builder needs to be someone I can rely on & trust to do a good job. That means he has to use good sub contractors too. All the professionals need to be good - the surveyor, the structural engineer, the architect. 

I've done a lot of work on two previous homes, so I do know what I'm in for. But I managed to live in them whilst the work was going on. This time I have to rent which increases the cost. Effectively I'll be moving twice. 

I feel I'm jumping into a void. I don't know where I will live, what will happen, how much it will cost, how long it will take, whether my plans will work out. Yet strangely I just plod on, one day at a time. I assume it will all work out in the end.

Can't imagine why I'm so optimistic!

A Covid Year

I think many people feel time has gone very quickly in this year of Covid. I can't believe I started shielding a year ago today. Months of not setting foot out of my house. My last swim was on the 16th March 2020 - That is the one thing I really miss & feel has had a very detrimental effect on me physically & mentally. I also miss my two volunteering jobs, which gave me purpose as well as enjoyment & social contact. 

I feel I coped well - I had projects - the usual clearing out of cupboards & paperwork. Also sorting through photos & slides & making family photobooks for my daughter & grandchildren. I have Webinar'ed & Zoomed & have learned a lot about Climate Change & Ecological work. I have lobbied a lot too. I've also sold my house & been trying to find somewhere suitable to buy. That is going to be a major project in itself.

In a way nothing changed that much when we came out of lockdown. Distancing, wearing a mask, hand sanitizing....have all become normal routines for me. I did have the odd meal in a restaurant, but didn't go back to any other recreational outings.

I find it surprising how so many of us have become habituated to a completely different way of life, which I think is set to continue for a long time to come. On the other hand I feel very "grumpy old womanish" about the big groups of people who completely block the pavements, oblivious to the fact that I have to walk out into the middle of the road to get past. There is a coffee shop on the corner near me, which not only has seating on the pavement & people waiting outside for coffees, but now is selling fruit, veg & flowers displayed everywhere on it's frontage too. Everytime I go past I wonder how legal it is & want to say something. But I don't.

I think I have kept in touch with most friends a lot more regularly. But if I'm honest that's because I have very good friends who phone me & we have long, interesting chats. I am more an emailer or texter. For some reason, which is beyond me, I don't think to ring people up for a chat. 

I am not lonely or isolated. I don't worry about my situation. I am happy being in my own home, able to do what I want, when I want, without having to consult anyone else. I do worry about the world situation & politics though - I think that is dire.

I've lived for 76 years. I have a lot of experience of life, of the world, of other people & cultures. I am able to occupy myself & am never bored. 

I think I have become more radical & even better informed over this last year. I am angry that the divide between the have's & the have not's has become even more pronounced. I am angry that our politicians are so unable to learn from good practice elsewhere & think longterm, rather than go for political expediency & what will make them popular.

Covid has shown the best of us & the worst of us as a human race. I do hope that we learn the lessons & don't return to business as usual. Business as usual was never a good option & it isn't going to work in the 21st Century. Too much is at stake.

Women & Violence

 "Manners maketh man" - "Dressed to the Nines" There are lots of idioms about how you look & how you behave. Mostly reflections of a different era. How we look & behave sends out messages about us to others. Those messages can be unconcious & unintended.

https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/clothes-and-fashion-phrases.html

Things have gone very wrong when a so called civilised society routinely hears about violence against women. I include physical, verbal & emotional abuse within that. Women want to be safe. They do not want to be seen as victims or fair game. They do not want to have to dress in a certain way to avoid being a target for men. (The Handmaid's Tale). In fact neither age or sober clothes protect women from attack. Women should be equal, but they are not. 

If you are interested in the statistics read this: -  

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/explainers-56365412

What makes a man an abuser? " Men who commit domestic violence may be found among a larger pool of men with poor problem-solving skills, but in addition they appear to have borderline-antisocial personality traits, certain types of hostility, and histories of abuse as children that may predispose them to become violent with their female companions" - National Library of Medicine.

Domestic abusers:

• Are controlling
• Are manipulative
• Believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship
• Often see themselves as victims

https://www.verywellmind.com/domestic-abuse-why-do-they-do-it-62639 

If we ask what makes a man abuse women we also have to ask if there are traits which predispose women to become victims. There is a theory that it is a womans strengths which can be a factor.

1. She puts the needs of others before her own.
2. She makes a commitment & she sticks to it. Faithful.
3. She takes responsibility for herself and those around her - integrity.
4. She is generous—giving more than she takes and doing it with pleasure.
5. She is kind and compassionate. Empathy
6. She is intuitive. Sensitive to the emotional environment around her. She picks up on tone and body language, and she adjusts her approach accordingly.
7. She is forgiving. 
8. She is patient and long-suffering. She will endure the attacks of her partner, Believing in his potential as a human being.
9. She is courageous. She survives the rejection of her love and the dehumanization of her spirit,
10. She is resourceful even though she is offered only criticism and rejection in return.
11. She doesn’t want to betray her abuser. She is loyal 

This is a very complex area. We have to be really careful not to make generalised assumptions. Everyone needs to understand the psychosocial dynamics of this worldwide trend of abuse & violence towards women. Women are suffering and dying every day. Periodically there is a blizzard of media coverage of a dreadful event. But nothing really changes - except the statistics seem to get worse.

Possibly the solution lies in education, poverty, poor parenting skills, disfunctional families. I don't know. The abusers come from all strata of social class. There is information out there.

https://opdv.ny.gov/professionals/abusers/genderandipv.html

But we simply cannot accept this as normal.

 

Moving - Not Moving

I lived in 2 houses as a child. As an adult I have moved 6 times. My next move was to be the final one. The home you leave to go into care or in a box. 

I have always had to do work on the houses I have bought, apart from one. Two of my houses had to have very major work done. One we completely re-configured and extended by a third. One was severely damaged by a mains water escape from the loft whilst we were on holiday abroad. Two thirds of it had to be re-built & everything in the rooms had to be replaced. In both cases I ended up project managing the work. So I do know a bit about building work.

This time the first house I intended to buy was brand new. I felt I deserved that at the age of 76. Somewhere sparkling & new & covered by a 10 year guarantee. I had mentally moved in when I had to withdraw from the sale on the advice of my solicitor.

The second try was a completely different proposition. The owners lived abroad so it had had not been occupied for months. It had not been maintained. For example the boiler, installed in 2019, had never been serviced so the guarantee was null & void. The open fire chimney had never been swept since they bought the house in 2013.....Paperwork, which is required on sale, was missing...

The survey revealed much worse than that, there is asbestos in the house. Probably throughout, from ground floor to attic. Apparently that is normal for houses built in the 60's & 70's. Even worse it has been damaged & is exposed. There is also boring beetle in the roof joists in two places & possibly also hidden between the floors. Then there are 3 big trees, one very close to the house & two close to boundary walls. The problem is the surveyor revealed that the house is in a conservation area. So you have to go through planning to get permission to chop them down. Who knew? Not me. 

The lesson is that is really important to get a good survey done if you are buying an older house. It is worth every penny. Even if, like me, you have to withdraw & lose the money.

Equally as important - the whole selling & buying process is fatally flawed. It should be reformed. Everyone knows that. There have been efforts at reform. It's always kicked into the long grass by politicians.

 https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/sn06980/

"The most recent attempt to reform the home buying and selling process was the introduction of Home Information Packs (HIPs) by the last Labour Government. HIPs provided property information ‘upfront’ and were intended to speed up the home buying process, lead to fewer sales falling through and reduce the opportunity for gazumping and gazundering. Following a phased implementation, HIPs were fully introduced by April 2009. However, they were widely criticised and suspended by the incoming Coalition Government in May 2010".

Nothing has been done since. Complete & utter failure of Government.

"25% to 33% of all home buying transactions fail, and some 25% of buyers and sellers who experience a failed transaction incur costs of more than £1,000. The Government estimates that the total losses incurred by buyers and sellers through failed transactions amounts to hundreds of millions of pounds each year".

Well, now I have experienced that in the worst possible way. So has my very patient buyer, who is a really nice man to deal with. I don't know what will happen now. It depends on my buyer. I could try to buy for the third time. I could try to find a suitable rental. I certainly can't go through the process of selling my house again. One & a half years of my life has been focussed on this & I am no further forward. 

I just need to get on living my life. So does my buyer.

 

Relationships & Parallel Lines

Who would have thought that "chick lit" would give you a philosophical insight into relationships & the meaning of life? 

"I hate alone"

"That's all there is. You run on parallel lines. Overlapping sometimes, waving sometimes, but always alone." Joanna Trollope "Girl from the South"

I've always thought that life is essentially solitary. Even living with my parents & my husband. Even with friends. In one sense people are like dodgem cars. If you are lucky you bump into someone you want to be with, but it's basically random. Even if you are in what we weirdly call a relationship, you should retain your sense of the importance of self. All too often women don't. They subsume themselves into the relationship & the man. Then the children, who oddly seem to remain children all their lives. 

If women behave in a way accepted as fairly normal in a man - not putting others first, even being selfish. Refusing to always be the glue that holds a relationship together. Refusing to multi task & micro manage every aspect of todays complex life. Refusing to be the prime carer for the children & the partner - They are condemned.

There are very few truly egalitarian relationships. Even in a close, loving, partnership with children, things should be equally shared. The woman should be as completely free to do what she wants to do as the man. She should be able to leave the washing up in the sink & forget the washing & ironing. She shouldn't have to always decide what the next meal will be, shop for it & cook it. She should be able to make work her passion & focus if she wants to & hang out with colleagues after work.

Two people should be able to negotiate a good relationship that does run on parallel lines & allow both equal freedoms. There needs to be consideration of & care for others on both sides. But it seldom happens.

So relationships break down. The parallel lines move apart & go their separate ways, because either there was no negotiation, or the negotiation was broken by one or other party.

People end up alone. Even when it does work, being essentially alone within a relationship isn't so unusual. The thing humans don't seem to learn is that we shouldn't be dependent on someone else to be  ourselves or be content. 

Being alone is normal. Being alone isn't necessarily lonely. Being alone is being self sufficient, self confident, self sustaining, self motivating. Being alone is a natural state of affairs - Even when you think you aren't. Being Co-dependent is often used to describe relationships where a person is needy, or dependent upon, another person. A co-dependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, usually needs to be needed.

Relationships can be wonderful & fulfilling. They can also be stifling & disfunctional. We all need the freedom & confidence to simply Be Truly Ourselves.

Bias, Prejudice & Perfection.

 "Inclination or prejudice for or against one person or group, especially in a way considered to be unfair".

 "Cause to feel or show inclination or prejudice for or against someone or something".

I prefer to think that I am rational & logical in my thinking. I hope that I am not particularly prejudiced against anyone or anything. I would like to be kind, willing to be open to other ways of doing things, generous, non judgmental......

But if that were the case I would be a perfect human being. Patently not true. I am flawed. I have personal beliefs & traits which may or may not result in bias.

I don't like some modern art, Mark Rothko for example. I am prejudiced against it & think that it's a con. I'm inclined to think that many male politicians are self serving & egotistical. I believe that we have made a complete mess of handling drug addiction & am very biased towards legalisation & control by Medics. I am also biased agaist our justice system & don't believe it achieves much that is useful. I could go on.

Actually I am full of bias & prejudice. There isn't much perfection lurking in my brain. I am the sum of my experience, good & bad. I was indoctrinated by my upbringing, education & professional life. So were we all. I think working hard is important & am very biased against people I feel are lazy. I am very careful about money & don't waste it. I am biased against people I think are spendthrift. I value intelligence, I don't tolerate fools easily.....

I'm inclined to be a liberal socialist. I'm inclined to love art & feel very inadequate about anything mathematical. I make judgments about people very quickly - whether I like them or not, whether I want to spend any time with them. I'm inclined to put others before myself.

The point is that I do know whether I am biased. I do know what my prejudices are. Knowing is power. Knowing means that I can try to overcome prejudice. Buddhists believe in the Eightfold Path of right views, right resolve, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. That, simply, is Life. A journey towards being as good as you can be.

An Arm Full of Covid.

I've had the vaccine. 4 weeks ago. Hopefully Pfizer induced antibidies are charging around my system, preventing me from getting a severe reaction if I get Covid. I had no reaction beyond a painful arm for one night. Obviously I'm still observing the rules & being careful.

My local surgery organised the logisitcs of vaccinating the whole population of my area superbly. The Medics & Volunteers were wonderful. No waiting or queuing, the whole thing took less than half an hour. Just shows how excellent our NHS are at thinking through procedures & organisation. Maybe if the NHS had been allowed to organise the Covid response from the outset it would have been done much better. 

I'm not a sheep blindly following diktats. I use my own intelligence & reliable information sources to make decisions. I don't listen to bonkers conspiracy theorists on social media. I simply don't understand Anti Vaxxers & the harm they do - Is it simply fear? Not just Covid - the Measles jab is a case in point.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/feb/05/gp-anti-vaxxers-mmr-vaccine-measles

I think Covid is a learning experience on multiple levels. There are all the climate change & ecological benefits we saw in the first lockdown. We have been given the opportunity to pause & consider deeply the lives we lead & the harms we do. There is the understanding that we live in a enormous World system where everybody is interlinked in many ways. Territory & Borders are irrelevant in a Pandemic. "The Butterfly Effect"  -  small things can have non-linear impacts on a complex system. A butterfly flapping its wings and causing a typhoon. ... Simple systems, with few variables, can show unpredictable and sometimes chaotic behavior.

We need to cooperate worldwide. We need to share knowledge & resources equitably. We need to respect our environment & other cultures. The question is will we remember the lessons once Covid is under control? 

Or, perhaps more importantly, will politicians remember & be prepared to try a new way of working & governing that isn't short termist, that is inclusive & consensual. Most importantly, that isn't just about Power.