Doing the Right Thing

I was brought up to always put myself last in any situation. Children were "seen & not heard". As a teenager & young adult my views had little importance - They were very different from those of my parents. I grew up to be a "pleaser" but also tried to hide quite a bit of anger at not having a "voice".

This background resulted in a lifelong reforming personality. I don't think I have ever been involved with any organisation, either paid or voluntary, without wanting to change it in some way. Hopefully for the better. I also complain if I feel things are wrong. Not aggressively, but definitely assertively. I simply won't walk on by & ignore or be made to be complicit.

I try to do the "right thing". It is very important to me. The concepts of justice, freedom & fairness matter a lot. Doing the "right thing" is often difficult & uncomfortable, especially if you are a woman. It's easy to be accused of being confrontational or strident. One of my grandsons thinks I "complain" too much. I want him to understand that if you don't stand up & be counted nothing will change for the better.

Many people don't want to confront wrong. They find confrontational situations acutely uncomfortable. We humans prefer not to "put our head above the parapet" or we "keep our head down". We are capable of walking on by & ignoring situations we know are troublesome or wrong as though we are wearing blinkers. 

The difficulty is that "the right thing" is subjective. The world seems to have become much more complex as I have aged. What I believe to be the right thing is not a universally held maxim. Black & white is usually several shades of grey. Who am I to say that someone else is wrong?

I think you have to just go with your gut instinct, your conscience. It's usually a good barometer. Whether you act on it is a matter for you. You have to live with your own bravery & cowardice in equal measure. 

A Really Green Christmas

 

https://shareoxford.org/2019/11/10/prepare-for-a-greener-christmas/

I've been doing some of this for years. I don't send any Christmas cards for example. I bring out the same few decorations I've had for years. I don't indulge in sparkly new clothes. I limit the presents I buy to immediate family. 

The time has come for all of us to think seriously about how we "celebrate" Christmas. The waste is not just unsustainable, it's becoming obscene. Personally I don't want anything. I get what I need when I need it. I also don't want to spend my time shopping for gifts. I don't want to waste sedentary hours watching the opening presents ritual & eating & drinking far more than normal. Most people could cut back a lot. 

Many people don't have the money for excessive consumerism. The difference between the the poor & the propsperous is getting wider every year. Read the "Trussell Trust" stats on Food Banks. https://www.trusselltrust.org/news-and-blog/latest-stats/  Read "Crisis" stats on Homelessness https://www.crisis.org.uk/.../the_homelessness_monitor... 

Please - Lets all think what we are doing. Less is more at Christmas & always. 

Keeping Secrets

I'm not sure what I think about keeping secrets - it's complicated.

Is someone asking you to keep a secret knowing or hoping that you will actually tell someone? Is it appropriate to lay the burden of a secret on someone else? What is the motive for telling you in particular? Do they just want to unload on someone, or do they actually want advice or help?

You can presume that if something is a secret it is either serious or it's something like a surprise party. If it is serious then it probably needs sorting out & are you capable of doing that alone? If it's a surprise of some sort, will the person being surprised be pleased?

So a secret can be a bit of a poisoned chalice either way.

A surprise type secret is probably not going to cause lasting harm.

A serious secret however is fraught with difficulty. What are the implications for anyone concerned in the secret if you accidently share, or feel that you need advice & have to share? What happens when the secret becomes public & people find out that you knew & did nothing? All the psychological evidence shows that keeping secrets can be stressful.

If you accept a secret, are you trapped in a promise? On the whole I think not, it's a judgement call after the secret has been divulged. You have to decide for yourself whether you are prepared to keep it. That means you also have to accept the consequences if you do decide to. On balance, I think you have to make clear that you can only promise to keep a secret when you know what it is.

A secret can be a burden. A serious secret can have serious consequences.

 

Everything's going wrong! - Recycling

For some Karmic reason things just seem to be going wrong almost daily recently.

My newish second hand car started making a strange noise from the back when it went over speed bumps & potholes. That was after all 4 tyres set off a warning light because the pressures were all low. I have never had a single car tyre lose pressure before in 50 years of driving, never mind all 4 at the same time! The dealership said cars don't like being left standing for any length of time....! I'm taking the car in this week for the noise to be sorted - it's something to do with "bushings"? The car supposedly had a big service & was MOT'd before I bought it.  
PS - They had it in all day last week, replaced the rear axle. I thought it was sorted, but no - it's still making a noise going over speed humps & uneven roads. So it's going back again.

My dark wash came out of the machine covered with a white gritty powder at the weekend - I do de-scale it regularly. When I tried to rinse the load to get rid of it, the machine wouldn't work on any programme. I'm waiting to hear from AEG whether it's worth repairing - it was in the house when I moved here in 2013 - I gave them the model number & PNC. I don't want to pay the call out fee + parts if the machine is too old.
PS - AEG never responded to two emails. I decided I should get a new machine - John Lewis to the rescue this Friday.

I ordered some new full length curtains & a metal pole for my bedroom in August from a very well known British company. I paid to have their "design consultant" come to the house to do the measuring & advise. It's been a long list of things going wrong. The main issue is that the brackets for the pole are so long the middle one can't be fitted above the windows. The consultant is finally coming back this Thursday - so a 2 month wait so far & I've still got the old curtains up.  
PS - The design consultant brought the brackets for wooden poles. They stick out from the wall a lot & my bedroom door opens towards the window, so would hit the brackets.Therefore no good! She was supposed to contact me with an alternative on Saturday, but didn't. I'll have to get the poles elsewhere.

You really couldn't make it up. I could go on.

But a little ray of sunshine....

I went to a local repair cafe on Sunday. It's a volunteer run event every 2 months. All the repairers are volunteers too. This was my second visit. The first time my touch bedside light wouldn't come on - the dimmer switch inside the base was faulty. A lovely man repaired it by inserting a switch on the wire - it doesn't dim, but I don't care.

This time the press button on/off on my bedside alarm / radio only worked intermittantly. Another very patient man got into the complicated innards & swapped a tiny part on a button I didn't use for the one which was worn out. Now it works again.

It's a very jolly affair. There is a refreshment stall with home made cake. The range of things brought for repair is huge. There isn't a charge, but obviously donations are welcome. It is a really good feeling not to throw something out which is repairable. We are so casual about simply replacing things & adding to the huge mountain of electrical rubbish we create. I am full of admiration for all the people involved. Chatting to the repairers is really interesting, they are very skilled.

We need much more of this sort of thing. White goods & electricals are bulky. I hope a lot are re-cycled, but I couldn't find any statistics. Metals are a finite resource. We need to make the effort to be more sustainable.

 

We also need uniform re-cycling labelling & provision across the whole UK.

Waiting

I've had several NHS appointments where waiting seems to be the norm & is just taken as routine. Fine, I suppose, if you are retired like me, but patients do have lives to live & places to be. A patient being kept waiting for a long time may well have a knock on effect on work colleagues, friends & family.

I've also waited interminably for buses which don't arrive because of the horrendous traffic problems in and around Oxford. It is literally gridlock in all directions.

I had to chase up an order for made to measure curtains & a pole from a well known UK store. Quite a long delay & then the pole doesn't fit the window, despite being measured by them. I'm now waiting to find out what they are going to do about it 2 months after the initial order.

My new, under guarantee, second hand, car, supposedly MOT'd & serviced by a national dealership was very noisy at speed & then made a loud noise from the rear going over bumps. Again I had to chase them up & am now waiting for the repair at the beginning of November.

I could go on, but what's the point? I'm sure we can all relate to this. It is the new normal to have to wait, for something or someone. The thing I find tiresome isn't actually the waiting. I take a book if I'm going to a NHS appointment & enjoy having some downtime to read for example.

What I find irritating is the casual acceptance that it's OK to keep someone waiting for something. Plus the fact that it isn't routine to keep people informed as to why there is a delay & how long it will be.

I can be calm & accepting if I know what is happening. I can be very reasonable & understanding if there is a mistake & an apology. What I can't be is anything other than very irritated if those considerate & polite behaviours are conspicuous by their absence. Then I can be a force to be reckoned with!

Of course I am in God's waiting room & who knows how long that will be.

   

Moving House - Again?

I'm currently living in the 6th house since I got married at 21, having lived in 2 houses before going away to college. So, 8 houses in total in my life. That apparently is roughly the average, which is 7 in the UK.

Most of my life I lived with my nuclear family of 3 in four of those houses. For the last 10 years I've lived alone in 2 houses. Although I think women have the biggest say in which houses are purchased at any stage, this current house is the only one that has been truly mine.

The process of moving is time consuming, stressful & costly at the best of times. It is far more difficult if you are doing it alone. You have to have the energy & confidence to do it. As you age the energy, unsurprisingly, diminishes a lot.

Currently the British house market is dead on it's feet & has been for about 3 years. Over the last year property prices have fallen, even in the hitherto "special" bubble of North Oxford. Houses are languishing for sale with very little footfall of prospective buyers. Setting a realistic price is difficult & buyers expect to be able to offer much lower than the agents price. Sellers, especially those who have only owned a house for a couple of years, don't want to accept that their home may not be worth what they paid for it.

There needed to be a re-adjustment in property values, but so long as you are buying & selling at the same time it probably doesn't matter much. There is so much political instability & market volatility that you have to be brave to risk renting for any length of time before buying. Property prices can go up as well as down.

The house I wanted has finally gone, after months on the market, to a cash buyer. There doesn't seem to be anything much available,& certainly not anything that appeals to me. So what to do? I'm never going to be in a position to move if my house hasn't got a proceedable buyer. However I don't want to rent & have to effectively move twice.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to control buying & selling houses. You have to be prepared to accept the situation. I'm really lucky - I can do that. It isn't as if I have to move for employment reasons. There is little confidence around because of the political, economic, ecological world situation. It isn't just Brexit - Our world is in turmoil.

Travels in Romania

I just got back from 10 days in Romania, a country I knew little or nothing about, apart from the notorious rule of Nicolae Ceausescu's communist regime from 1965 to 1989.
https://rolandia.eu/en/blog/history-of-romania/romania-under-nicolae-ceausescu-s-communist-regime

That made an impact because of what we discovered after his overthrow. Particularly the abhorrent conditions for thousands of children in state orphanages. Overall, it is estimated that about 500,000 children were raised in orphanages & some still exist today, but the children are much better cared for.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romanian_orphans

I know a lot more now! Romania is a wonderful country to visit, with much to interest tourists. The varied & stunningly beautiful landscapes, the very different regional vernacular architecture, the beautiful churches & monasteries, wildlife, traditional food, costumes, music & dancing....

Romania is right in the middle of major migration routes & is surrounded on all sides, by Ukraine to the north, Hungary & Serbia to the West, Bulgaria to the South & Moldova & the Black Sea to the East. So it has been the centre of skirmishes & wars causing border & name changes over the years. Some places have names in 3 different languages. There are still tensions about who actually has a rightful claim to various parts of Romania today. To be honest the history is so complex you would be bored to tears if I attempted to give you a flavour. If you want to know read the Rough Guide to Romania.

There are Stone Age remains in the Carpathian Mountains dating back 35,000 years. Todays Romanians are descendants of Roman settlers from 106AD & local Dacians from 82BC. They are very proud of their culture & heritage & welcome tourists.

Sadly all that most tourists have heard of is Vlad the Impaler & Count Dracula, who are in fact one & the same person. (Dracul means Devil & Vlad was certainly that!)

 

https://allthatsinteresting.com/vlad-the-impaler

But there is so much more to Romania than Vlad/Dracul.

There are 6 regions & the country is huge. I only visited Wallachia, Transylvania & Moldavia & still covered approximately 2,000 miles in a really exhausting trip. But it was a trip of delights. I really recommend you to go.