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Sunday 10 November 2019

Keeping Secrets

I'm not sure what I think about keeping secrets - it's complicated.

Is someone asking you to keep a secret knowing or hoping that you will actually tell someone? Is it appropriate to lay the burden of a secret on someone else? What is the motive for telling you in particular? Do they just want to unload on someone, or do they actually want advice or help?

You can presume that if something is a secret it is either serious or it's something like a surprise party. If it is serious then it probably needs sorting out & are you capable of doing that alone? If it's a surprise of some sort, will the person being surprised be pleased?

So a secret can be a bit of a poisoned chalice either way.

A surprise type secret is probably not going to cause lasting harm.

A serious secret however is fraught with difficulty. What are the implications for anyone concerned in the secret if you accidently share, or feel that you need advice & have to share? What happens when the secret becomes public & people find out that you knew & did nothing? All the psychological evidence shows that keeping secrets can be stressful.

If you accept a secret, are you trapped in a promise? On the whole I think not, it's a judgement call after the secret has been divulged. You have to decide for yourself whether you are prepared to keep it. That means you also have to accept the consequences if you do decide to. On balance, I think you have to make clear that you can only promise to keep a secret when you know what it is.

A secret can be a burden. A serious secret can have serious consequences.
 


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