Families - Parents & Children

Relationships within a family are complex. The main point of a family unit is to nurture dependent children to become mature adults. They are meant to separate from their parents. It's like cooking, there is a recipe for success. The essential ingredients are love, tolerance & understanding - on both sides. However it is rarely a relationship of equals.

Sadly it isn't an easy process, family members have a different perception of events, which can be based on emotion, bias & misunderstanding. Children don't really know their parents or comprehend the adult perspective on events, although one would hope that as they become older & more experienced that becomes easier. Separation can become destructive & more permanent than necessary.

I actually wonder whether many adults have the capacity to be truly autonomous & cease allowing their inner child to dominate, then progress to a more equal relationship. I suspect a lot are definitely not ready for the roles to be reversed when their parents age & become dependent themselves.

The close & intense family bond should mean that members know eachother really well & accept the good & the bad traits. Unfortunately human beings are prone to take things personally & have expectations of eachother which are far above what it is possible to achieve. Add to that the incredibly stressful & demanding, time poor, modern lives we live & you have a recipe for estrangement.

So we are too often left with broken families who have ceased to really care for eachother. The nuclear unit is no longer a viable support mechanism & the collateral damage is deep hurt, distress & isolation.

I know now that I probably had a view of my parents distorted by my own selfish lack of understanding. I didn't get on with my mother & my father was psychologically "absent". I also know now that I should have made more effort. It's too late now I have insight - for all of us. That's such a shame & a loss that can't be undone.

If you recognise this situation in your family, do make the effort to repair the damage while you still can. All it takes is a willingness to listen to a different perspective with an open mind. People don't live for ever. We all age & die & then the door closes. For good.