Living to Die - Dying to Live

I went to the funeral of a friend of 35 years on Friday. We had taught together when I became Head of a small village school in Curridge when I was 34. She taught vertically grouped infants from 5 - 7 & I taught vertically grouped juniors. Looking back it was probably the best time of my life.

That's one of the problems with living. You don't get perspective until you have experienced a lot. Good & bad, even wonderful & utterly dreadful. Life is something we take for granted until those we love, or who have shared our lives, start dying around us. That started happening when I was around 40 & three people, who in their different ways had been a meaningful part of my life, all died in quite different, but tragic circumstances. I was very sad & in one case devastated, but at that age life goes on. Your whole life is ahead of you - You think.

The fact that my friends deaths were untimely & far too soon did impinge on my conciousness, but I didn't relate it to me. I didn't make the connection that it could happen to me, any time. I have since learned better.

Now I know that everyone is living to die & dying to live. We want the status quo of our small lives to continue, although we know that is impossible. We know that the world is continuously in a state of flux & everything changes. But we don't want to accept it. We want to be in control of something which is completely uncontrollable.

I have finally realised that I have been dying all my life & Death could swoop down at any moment. I put that thought in a box in the black holes of my mind & rarely open it. But I try to live every day. I try to say yes to new people & new experiences. I try to move forward into the unknown & not dwell in my history, except to remember the lessons it has taught me.