Just Surviving - Existential Angst

Up to now I have remained as positive as possible. I've tried to stay reliably well informed & complied with the quickly changing rules. I don't want to get Covid 19 or give it to anyone else. I take the pandemic very seriously, while not being unduly anxious about getting it. I can't see it or feel it, but I know it's there & it's killing people & leaving others with long term health problems. The human cost is high.

10 months on from originally shielding for 3 months I am a different person.

I have become conditioned to a completely different way of living. I don't go out of the house much. Maybe a weekly local food shop, a walk with my daughters dog in fields by the river Cherwell, a rare trip to a big supermarket. I do have a lot of contact with friends & family but mostly via technology - texts, emails, phone calls... Sometimes I have conversations on my doorstop socially distanced. I have Zoomed & had Webinars with several charities during 2020, so am very well informed on Climate Change & have become a regular lobbyist. But my days are generally the same routine - Alone but not lonely & relatively boring.

Now I am concerned that I have become too used to a much more solitary & sedentary life than hitherto. The reality of my world has simultaneously contracted to my home & widened due to modern communications. I wonder if I am just surviving? I also wonder whether I have any more right to exist than anyone else? Do I deserve to be kept alive?

The vaccine is here. We all hope that it will get us out of this dreadful situation. Personally I think that Covid is endemic, like Flu. I also think that it's only a matter of time until there is another pandemic. We humans have created the conditions which makes that inevitable. 

Should I at almost 76, with underlying health conditions, be any more worthy of life than anyone else? Should I be prioritised? How do we decide what one life is worth? Any such decision is flawed. Maybe it should be random, decided by a computer - Heads you win, tails you loose.

I don't know. I don't want to die, but I am dying. We all are from the moment we are born. Dying is natural. I am towards the normal end of my life. Just because I can be preserved by science, does that make it right? Shouldn't "quality of life" & the contribution an individual can make to society be factors in the choice?

So I have existential angst. Should I decline the vaccine so it can be given to someone younger, someone whose skills society needs at the moment? Or simply someone who has their life ahead of them?

It's a dilemma.

New Year - To Resolve or not to Resolve. That is the Question.

Some years I do, some I don't. This year is like no other & to be honest there doesn't seem much point in making resolutions. We can't control so much of what is going on & the usual ones don't really fit with our situation - Out of the EU with a cobbled together Deal, which means very little. In an even worse situation with Covid 19 than last year.

But - must try to be positive! I will:-

• Try very hard not to buy anything wrapped in plastic.
• Make sure I recycle properly. (Exactly which plastic is & which isn't?)
• Buy as little new clothing as possible & avoid cheap brands who are dependent on cheap labour.
• Recycle as much as possible to charity shops.
• Lobby hard on Climate Change issues.

• Find an exercise routine I will actually stick to now I can't swim.
• Cook from scratch more & eat less cook chill food, (which isn't as nice anyway).

• Not travel abroad. When I can go on holiday, there is plenty of the UK which is beautiful & interesting I haven't been to. A holiday is a luxury. A holiday abroad is not justifiable.
  

• Find something useful & interesting to do to replace the volunteering with the public which stopped 8 months ago. I'm Zoomed & Webinared out - interesting & informative though they all were.
  

There must be more, but if there are too many I won't be able to remember them! 

I do think that we all need to think seriously about what changes we each should make in our lives in the light of the complete mess the world is in. We each have a responsibility to fact check the information we are getting & make sure our decisions are based on real facts, not some crackpot "fake news" conspiracy theory.

We do have power collectively. We must use it now. There isn't much time left. We have to stop depleting the worlds resources & destroying habitats & species. The population of Easter Island died out completely partly because they chopped down all of the trees - complete deforestation. Then they realised that they couldn't leave & find somewhere else to destroy because they were too isolated in the middle of the Pacific.

I believe we can do it. We can turn round our selfish & thoughtless behaviour. We are intelligent, innovative & clever. We just have to decide what is really important & do it.

 

Simples!

Christmas is a coming.... So is the Pestilence.

I've made the red cabbage & the chocolate chestnut mousse. I've sent ecards & wrapped the presents. I've had Christmas phone calls with friends. I even went for a pre Christmas lunch with friends under a portable gazebo with walls today. We had two sides open so that the air could blow through. Who would have thought we would ever eat a Christmas meal outside, in the pouring rain, wearing jumpers & coats? But we did & it was lovely.

It was good to bear in mind how lucky we are. Financially secure, home owners, in a nice location, with friends & family who care for us. We definitely have more than just the basic necessities of life. I walked home through Summertown past two rough sleepers in shop doorways. Their bedding & cardboard was sodden. Why? Why is it still happening? Why are politicians & NGO's unable to solve it? Why do we tolerate it?

This morning I had to go into M&S to get a couple of food items. It was heaving. Trolleys were full to overflowing. Not sure whether that was the normal Christmas over consumption, or people getting prepared for a possible lockdown after Christmas. (Which has now proved to be true). Whatever. It's the contrast that gets me, between the "have to muchies" & the "have nothings". 

This is a unique Christmas. Nothing like it has happened in my lifetime. (Although I do remember the 3 day week, the lights going out & civil unrest). What I'm about to say will annoy. So stop reading if you are sensitive. 

Frankly I'm fed up with the whingeing. Jews have had Hanukkah, Muslims have had Eid, Hindus have had Divali. I didn't hear them moaning about having their celebrations ruined by Covid. Family is as important to them as it is to us - arguably more important to many. Christmas is 2 or 3 days. Surely we can cope? Especially as it strikes me as hypocritical in the extreme considering the percentage of people who go to church regularly. 

In England, membership is forecast to decline to 2.53 million (4.3% of the population) by 2025 according to FaithSurvey.

Covid is a unique event. Yes other countries have dealt with it better. The USA has been worse. Many countries have lied. What's the point of blame? Blame stops you from learning. Would you want to be a politician or a scientist currently? Would you do any better? How? Do you want to change places with NHS workers or Carers? Would you face disgruntled, self centred, shoppers not wearing masks & stripping shelves? 

No. Of course you wouldn't.

We are in this situation. No one deserves it. We have to cope. We have to be unselfish & think of others.

Some people need to get a grip. Others are being heroes.

Not Moving House - Yet!

It will be 11 weeks tomorrow since I instructed my solicitor to act for me in the sale of my present house & the purchase of my new one. I was able to give him all the documentation immediately because I had it stored in a fireproof box at home. The house I am buying is new, but leasehold. My freehold house was completed in 2008. So both are on the Land Registry & should be straight forward. It should be possible to exchange in 6 weeks.

Previously I have used specialist on line Conveyancing only companies. This time it is a "proper" Solicitor. Previously I have been able to track progress, or lack of it, on line. For example there is an online portal called Veyo, but there are dozens of Conveyancing companies using similar tools. You don't have to keep chasing. You know what has been done & what they are waiting for & they know you know.

This time things haven't worked well. There are several reasons. Covid & Brexit don't help of course. Both have caused uncertainty in all markets. There was a flurry of activitiy in the housing market after  the relaxation of the first Lockdown because of pent up demand. Those people want to move in before Christmas. Then there is the Stamp Duty pause until March 2021. People don't want to miss out on that.

I accept all of that - Completely out of my control.

However, I didn't get the lease document from the sellers untill the evening of the 27th November - Almost 9 weeks into the process. (Apparently my solicitor had it for a month before that). That document, it transpired, is an old, generic, document which is used for any properties sold by the company, who have 60 top end retirement estates in the south of England. Goodness knows how many individual properties. Their first property was in near Salisbury in 1977. I get the distict impression that not much has changed in the document since then! It is written in completely impenetrable, unpunctuated, legalese!

Call me strange, but I expect to be able to read & understand a document I sign. The Plain English Campaign agree with me & give a Crystal Mark as a seal of excellence. 

http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/

In the past two weeks I have spent hours, no exaggeration, trying to understand & get answers to queries that arose from the lease document. It simply isn't relevant to my property in places. Some of the clauses are ridiculous - I should have my inside windows cleaned every 4 weeks & get agreement if I want to decorate the inside of my home! Really?

I have been the "fish paste in the sandwich" between my Agent, my Solicitor and a really competent & helpful person who works for the estate I am supposed to be buying into. Speedy & effective communication is really important in conveyancing. I think the solicitors are just overwhelmed with the sheer volume of deals they are working on currently. Those who shout loudest stay at the top of the pile. I don't work that way. I just expect competence, professionalism & efficiency. After all I'm paying quite a bit for it.

Now, if I don't exchange by 12.00 tomorrow I lose my removal slot. I'm not going to make it, because according to my solicitor he has been waiting since the 1st December for the answers to quite a few queries. I've no idea what they are or why they haven't been answered.

I'm more than a bit pissed off - At both sides of the equation. My buyer is ready to exchange. Goodness knows how long he will remain patient. 

 

I Wish....

 So many things: - 

• I wish we were not destroying our beautiful planet & so many of the living things in it, including ourselves.
• I wish people treated eachother with loving kindness & respect, regardless of their beliefs & cultural differences.
• I wish people were not so territorial & realised that we do not own the land on which we stand or anything within it or above it.
• I wish war, disaster & pestilence did not exist.
• I wish we welcomed change & understood that things simply cannot stay the same for ever.
• I wish we understood & valued the things that really matter.
• I wish everyone could have a generous helping of generosity & love for others. 
• I wish basic necessities like good food, clean water, shelter, security & love were available for everyone.
  
• I wish we didn't waste so much that we are given.

Mostly I wish I could believe in a supreme being who could make all these things true. But I can't. 

So, people - it's down to us. Each one of us individually.

 Make your choice. What sort of a world do you want for Christmas this year?

Truth Decay - Barak to Boris

I listened to Barak Obama being interviewed about his new book "A Promised Land"on Radio 4 this morning.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/barack-obama-book-live-reading-highlights-best-bits-b1724527.html

I've always thought he was a pretty good president - well informed, literate, thoughtful, a good communicator - what you need in a good leader. Such a contrast to both Boris & tRump. tRump seems to be the model Boris follows in so many ways, not least the tenuous hold he has on truth & the aggrandised, erroneous, image he has of himself.

So I think Obama's phrase "truth decay" is worryingly clever. We live in a world where communication is instant. I can find out what is happening anywhere from Venezuela to Kazakhstan. The difficulty I have is knowing whether what I'm reading, or even seeing is true. Truth has decayed to such an extent that conspiracy theories are rife. We trust nothing & no one.

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/investigating-the-most-convincing-covid-19-conspiracy-theories

 

I do believe what I'm told by reputable websites like Kings College London. So if they produce this about conspiracy theories I have confidence in what I'm reading.

On the other hand there is the lengthy crowdfunded movie, Hold Up, which purports to uncover a conspiracy by global governments and pharmaceutical companies to use the pandemic to assert control over citizens.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/covid-conspiracy-theory-france-antivaxx-b1729249.html

If something is produced well there will always be people who are taken in by it. If someone in a position of supreme authority, like tRump or Boris, says something, people will believe it. People want to follow leaders. People are gullible & too lazy to fact check with reliable information. The media doesn't police what they publish, believing that everyone has the right to their opinions. They do. I believe that, but they also need to be told when something is a lie.

We can't afford Truth Decay. The Anti Vaxers will have a seriously detrimental effect on stopping virus transmission if they have their way & that affects us all. Politicians deliberately lying in order to achieve power & then hold on to it affects us all. tRump & Boris have made this into an art form & seriously damaged democracy in doing so.

Everyone has to fight against Truth Decay or Democracy & the Rule of Law has had it.

Black & White

Frankly I'm confused about a lot of things. Maybe it's age. When I took my family on holiday to Kenya I found it really difficult to adjust to the fact that the country is pronounced differently to the way I had always pronounced it - (with a long or short e). Yesterday I listened to the news about the FA chairman resigning because of his use of "unacceptable language".

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/54894864 

I believe all people are equal. I do not believe that some are more important or worth more than others. Everyone is a human being. I also think that you have to judge people on their merit, on their actions & behaviour. So there are people that I would choose not to associate with, because the way they behave or their beliefs are not in tune with mine. Nothing whatsoever to do with skin colour, religion or ethnicity.

Language is important & changes over time. New words arrive & old ones are discarded. My current confusion is because I didn't know that the word "coloured" was offensive. Quite the opposite. Having Googled I now know why it is.

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/30999175/warning-why-using-the-term-coloured-is-offensive

I do understand now & will try not to use the term, but I'm not sure that I agree. I would have hitherto felt fine about using words like black, brown, coloured, white, mixed race, African, Asian, Indian...as nouns, as descriptors. Simple as that - not perjorative at all. Just a way of naming, of describing who I was talking about. Definitely not with any connotations of slavery. Certainly not in any way condoning slavery.

I am content with being described as white, British, female, widowed....We need to use language to pin down our thoughts so that others can understand. I think the thing that matters most is how we treat other people, how we behave. How we talk to them. Whether we listen to them. Whether we respect them & their point of view. 

I wouldn't mind being described as half German, but I would mind being described as a Nazi.

So my confusion remains. I know that if I called someone coloured I would not mean anything derogatory or demeaning. But they might think I did. So I have to try to remember.