Referendum Aftermath

It's done. It's history  & history will make a judgement as to the rights & wrongs. The Buddhist concept known as anicca states that impermanence is an undeniable and inescapable fact of human existence from which nothing that belongs to this earth is ever free. Change happens - get used to it.

However much media & press comment & speculation there is. However many political careers are made or broken by this. However many people suffer as a consequence. However many people become richer. This is the reality.

The only thing we can hope for is that decision making is considered & wise & self interest is absent. 

I don't see much sign that this will be the case. What I see is mob rule. Mob rule in the extreme right with their xenophobia, isolationism & hate. Mob rule in the British politicical elite on both sides of the political divide. Mob rule in the game of football. Mob rule in the dreadful conflicts in various parts of the world.

Paraphrased quote - Holly Baxter - Independent - 22nd June

"I don’t fear immigration; I fundamentally support the idea of open borders, think we should take in far more refugees and know that our economy would collapse without a steady influx of immigrant labour to work as nurses, teachers, scientific researchers and many more besides.

What I fear is a Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his government-in-waiting, comprising Iain Duncan Smith, Michael Gove and Priti Patel – the right-wing of the right-wing, the most ideologically conservative UK government that’s ever stood on the brink of power in my lifetime.

What I really don’t like is the idea that the people who would suffer most in a recession after Brexit would be working class people, whose rights in work could be swept away as protective EU legislation is removed, and who will be on the front line of jobs cuts, salary stagnation and rising costs of living. I don’t like the idea that Johnson and his gang of Brexiteers will have achieved exactly what they wanted for the benefit of their political careers, and will unlikely have to suffer the economic consequences of their actions".

When Rupert Murdoch was asked why he opposed the EU, he replied: “That’s easy. I go into Downing Street they do what I say; when I go to Brussels they take no notice.” That says it all I think.
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EU Referendum

OMG - Brexit. Cameron resigned. Probability of another Scottish independence referendum. Probability of another push for an Irish Republic.The £ & Stock market plummeting. £200 billion wiped off shares. All, & worse, predicted. What were people thinking? They knew the risks.

We have completely divided political parties. We are a totally divided country on the basis of the turnout & percentages for Yes & No. We may not be in a civil war, but boy are we conflicted. Scotland & Northern Ireland overwhelmingly want to be in, so the political fall out for the United Kingdom doesn't look good. There is a possibility that this will lead to further exits from the EU & it's collapse. It could be viewed as a failed state anyway.

We are the United Kingdom no more. We are insular islands with a deluded sense of their own importance based on days of Empire long gone. Are we just going to be Little England in future as a result of this?

At the very least we are in an increased state of flux & uncertainty which affects the whole world. The timing couldn't be worse considering the humanitarian, ecological, political, financial & religious problems that already existed before this bombshell.

Ordinary people are completely fed up & feel powerless in the face of multinational businesses, the ruling classes & the continual massaging of information, dissembling & lobbying by powerful self interests. This is more a vote against the status quo & the political elite.

This was a gamble with our future & the future of the world. It didn't work. Will the powerful listen & pull back? I see no evidence in recent history that will be the case.

The only possibility is that a new brand of politician will emerge. People with intelligence & comittment to the widest common good. Leaders who are honest & not just thinking about their careers. People that we can trust.

The frightening thing is the rise of the extreme right & manipulators of the media. Buffoons like Trump. We have brought this on ourselves & we will have to live with the consequences. The rich and powerful may lose a bit of money. They can afford it. Ordinary people can't, but will pay the price.

Control, Expectations & Hope

 

It's taken nearly 71 years  of being a control freak to realise that I can control very little including myself.

Nearly 71 years of having ridiculous expectations of myself & others which caused me emotional pain, probably leading to physical illness.

At last, almost too late, I am beginning to learn to stop trying to control & let go of expectations.

I hope I succeed. At least it's movement in the right direction.

Eulogies & Funerals

It's always seemed to be a pity to me that you have to be dead before anyone feels moved to say what they think about you. Such a wasted opportunity. I want to know - Now. As far as I can see finding out is probably the only thing that makes life after death a good idea.

There aren't many people I really want to meet up with again in the afterlife & would they be the same age as they were when they died? In which case they would mostly be younger than me. I certainly don't want to spend time dodging the people I didn't get on with - For eternity. It also seems to me that the afterlife must be even more crowded & noisy than Oxford & that's bad enough.

No give me oblivion any time. Much more restful.

But I would really like to know what sort of impression I have made on the people I have met in my journey through life. Good or bad - Really, I would. If it was good I could feel a self satisfied glow. If it was bad I could try to change before it's too late - Maybe. More likely I would probably try to justify my behaviour.

This train of thought was sparked by a funeral today. It was as nice as these things can be. Two Euologies full of the interesting & often funny memories of the sons of my friend. Things I didn't know about him. The whole thing conjured him up and made him live again briefly. It was all appropriate to him & as non religious as he was.

Funerals are for the living not the dead. It was nice to see friends I haven't seen for a very long time & find out what they have been doing. It was good to share memories of the friend who died. We all need to mark the passing of family & friends. It can be hard or uplifting. It can provide support to those closest to the deceased or be an ordeal. It is a necessary ritual though.

I'm glad we tend to celebrate a life now rather than mourn a death. We all have to die, but each life was important in some way to someone.

Bereavement & Anniversaries

It would have been my 50th wedding anniversary in July. Within the space of 3 weeks I remember my husbands accident, death, funeral & birthday. He would have been 74 this year. I've tried not putting the dates in my diary, but I do want to mark the days. It isn't actually a question of remembering, I do that in some way most days.

I have friends who have never married or had a live in relationship. I have friends who are separated or divorced. I have friends who have been married  for years, some as many as me. But I don't currently have any friends whose life partner has died & who would "get it".

However sympathetic & empathetic friends & family are I really don't think it is possible for them to comprehend what it's like to suddenly lose, permanently, someone who you have spent most of your adult life life with. David & I met when I was 17 & in the 6th form. We had been together for 47 years when he died. That's a lot of shared experience of good times & bad. You really do know eachother extremely well.

It's very hard to describe what it is like to have a huge presence in your life who isn't actually present. It's not morbid, sentimental or self pitying. It's just the reality.

It has quite often been brought home to me that some people do have expectations that you will "move on". And you do. You deal with the fall out. You manage your own life on your own, however difficult that is. You have no option. You do change & adjust to new circumstances, often with the help of good friends. But ultimately you have to find the resources within yourself, because most of the time you are by yourself.

You open the door on silence & close the door on the world when you go home. If there are joys or problems you can't share them.

I feel desperately sorry for the close family of the young MP Jo Cox who was murdered yesterday. At least I had a decent length of time for my marriage. We did grow old together & both saw our only child grow up. Her husband will be devastated & will have to cope with the glare of publicity & a trial. I hope he has a supportive family & good friends, who are also grieving, to help him adjust & make a new life. I didn't know her but she seems to have been a wonderful person who could have achieved much & who will be missed. No one will miss her more than her husband & children.

Planning Permission - An Expensive & Time Consuming Option.

I want to put a very simple polycarbonate / powder coated steel canopy over my front door. They vary in price according to the spec' & design. From £94 - £358. Fixing is simple & all of them are modern, in keeping with the house, unobtrusive & really wouldn't impinge on anyone else at all. I just fancy not having rain dripping down my neck when I am hunting for my keys.

I have just discovered that because my doorway is within 2m of the highway, (meaning pavement, not road), I have to have Householder Planning Consent. Getting Planning Consent involves a fee of £172, almost double the cost of the cheaper canopy. I have to fill out a form & purchase a Location plan & a Site plan - What a good money making wheeze that is. You would think that Oxford City Council knew where my house was having signed it off in 2006/7. Then there is the Supporting Documentation. Finally I have to wait (6-8 weeks).

The website is informative if bureaucratic, but utterly daunting.
www.planningportal.co.uk/info/200126/applications/59/how_to_apply/6
www.oxford.gov.uk/info/20066/planning_applications/724/apply_for_planning_permission/3

Am I going to do it? Of course not! I lost the will to live ages ago because of the time, the hassle & the cost.

My point is - It's completely over the top.You need this sort of administrative structure if you are building a house or doing an extension. You don't need it if you want to put a canopy over your front door. It's so frustrating & it's nothing to do with membership of the EU.

I'll just have to put up with a wet neck - Climate Change or no.

Talking to Yourself

I talk aloud to myself & to inanimate objects. Usually when I am frustrated. Along the lines of "for goodness sake", "oh God" or something a Granny really shouldn't say. I do also try to give myself positive encouragement when faced with something daunting & / or stressful. Along the lines of "you coped with 2009, this is a doddle in comparison". Usually these messages are internal not spoken aloud. Sometimes I remind myself that I am a grown adult, a competent & intelligent woman & not someone to be messed with.

I believe, very strongly, that "Self Talk" is really important & can govern your whole life for better or worse. This is not an ability I was born with. It is a hard won lesson I have learned. As a child & adolescent I was very lacking in confidence & eager to please others at the expense of my own needs.

Many people, women in particular, frequently give themselves negative messages. We all listen to that insidious voice in our head & because we are talking to ourselves, we believe the message learned over years.

The good thing is that the tape can be rewound & over recorded. The brain can be re-programmed & learn a new mantra.

Mahatma Gandhi said it better than I ever could:-

"Keep your Thoughts positive because your thoughts become your Words.
Keep your words positive because your words become your Behaviour.
Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your Habits.
Keep your habits positive because your habits become your Values.
Keep your values positive because your values become your Destiny."

Ray Asher - Living & Dying.

What is a "good life" or a "good death"?

My friend Ray died this week. He was in his 80's & he had Alzheimers. It not only affected his memory - very hard to cope with for someone who had been a scientist working at Harwell. It also affected his ability to speak & swallow. He lived alone & felt lonely, anxious, depressed & pessimistic. What medics call your "quality of life" really wasn't up to much. It's hard to think that his death is anything other than a blessing. At least he was in hospital and not alone.

I think that we, as individuals & as a society, really don't deal with end of life issues at all well. According to Age UK in the UK population there are:-


 Over 23.2 million people aged 50 years and over - over a third of the total UK population.
 14.9 million people aged 60 and above.
 1.5 million people are aged 85 or over.
 More people aged 60 and above than there are under 18.
 The number of centenarians has risen by 72% over the last decade to 14,450 in 2014.
www.ageuk.org.uk/Documents/EN-GB/Factsheets/Later_Life_UK_factsheet.pdf?

It's a huge problem & will get worse. We do not have the facilities or people to deal with it now, never mind as it grows exponentially in the future. We are literally condeming enormous numbers of people to, at it's worst, a living hell of slow death.

My generation cannot rely on our children to look after us as we looked after our own parents. It is arguable that we shouldn't expect them to be our carers & many don't live near enough to do it even if they want to. However independent we are as individuals we will probably need help. That's fine if you are lucky enough to be able to pay for it, although there simply aren't enough well trained people to do the caring now.

I'm 71 & frankly, although I'm not afraid of dying, I am afraid of how I die. I have done everything I can to be safe in my home & manage my life. I wear an alarm for example. I am computer literate. I pay people to clean for me, maintain my house, do my financial stuff. I am as aware as I can be of the hazards of living alone with chronic health conditions, so I plan for the future. Not everyone can do that.

This is a political as well as a health issue. There needs to be action & financing now to ensure that all people are cared for effectively at the end their lives in a dignified way. We, as a society, should have a frank discussion about what services we want when we are old & infirm & how we are going to finance them. There will obviously be constraints, but it shouldn't be difficult to agree the basics - effective pain relief, adequate nutrition, a warm, comfortable, safe, environment. It would be nice if we could also provide human company & stimulation & a regime to keep us mobile & as fit as possible.

If we want to call ourselves a civilised society we should be taking proper care of the most vulnerable - The very young as well as the very old. Other European countries do it much more effectively than we are at the moment. It isn't even being adequately discussed & planned for. There is far too much reliance on family, friends & charities.That is a huge cost to them all, not just financial. It isn't sustainable & it doesn't begin to meet the need.

I'm just hoping for a quick death before real senility & disability set in & I hope Ray is in a better place.

Impotence

I was interested in the definition of Impotence - "Lacking sufficient strength, Being powerless, Being unable to perform the sexual act". It's a very masculine definition. Women don't rely on their physical strength to the same extent that men do. They don't tend to try to exert power in the same way either. Impotence in the sexual context is at the root of masculinity in a way which simply doesn't apply to women's view of themselves.

Men's view of sex seems quite simplistic. It's all about intercourse. If you can't perform, you aren't a man. Yet there are so many ways of giving sexual pleasure to both parties which don't involve that one single act. You actually don't even need a partner to enjoy sex. Maybe men simply aren't as liberated as they like to think they are. So if they become impotent because of erectile disfunction it can be devastating.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, as many as 52% of men experience erectile dysfunction, with it affecting 40% of men age 40, and 70% of men age 70. Men who have heart disease, diabetes and are taking certain medications have higher risks of experiencing erectile dysfunction.

A study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, shows that 1 in 4 men at an outpatient clinic, who sought help for erectile dysfunction, were actually under the age of 40. Plus 48.8% of them, had a severe case of the sexual condition, compared with 40 percent of men older than 40. 

Only 25.4% percent of the men in the study were being treated for the condition. Men find it difficult to even admit that they have a problem.They certainly don't visit their GP as much as women do for a variety of reasons. See  
socialsciences.exeter.ac.uk/media/.../politics/.../Mens_Health_Forum_Project.docx

Impotence doesn't just affect the man. It affects his partner too. If he can't accept that he has a problem & seek professional help in dealing with it the relationship suffers & his partners life is blighted too. Retreating into his cave really isn't a viable option.  

We all experience not having sufficient strength - I couldn't assemble a new study chair from Ikea yesterday. I am powerless to control some aspects of my life. I don't view that as being impotent. It's just how life is. The really manly option is to face up to the hand that's dealt to you and do your best to overcome it. For everyones sake.

Referendum - Just a Big Focus Group

Referendum - A general vote by the electorate on a single political question which has been referred to them for a direct decision.

Focus Group - People who give their opinions on a particular issue.

Democracy - Government by the people or their elected representatives.

I am vacillating about the EU Referendum. Hitherto I have definitely been an "inner". I now think that whatever the outcome we will have been mislead by both sides using at best, speculative "facts" & at worst downright lies. Like so much in the modern complex world, everything is a matter of opinion & is based on the partisan interpretation of statistics.

Worse - I actually don't think it matters either way, whatever the outcome is. Half of the population is going to be disappointed at the result. There will be recriminations. All of the prophecies are totally speculative & may or may not come true. The result will have been achieved by whichever side has been better at PR, more persuasive & managed to get more positive publicity for their view. The media rules in our democracy. The most appealing personalities sway opinion more effectively.

The public are just a huge Focus Group. It's bad enough that politicians rule & make everyday decisions by focus group. Decisions are made on the criteria of what is the most popular view to enable politicians to hang on to power. At heart I think that makes politicians shallow, indecisive & needy.

We elect & pay our politicians to make the complex decisions necessary for the ultimate good of our country & the world at large. That's how democracy works. We pay our civil servants to do the research into the alternatives & present carefully thought out options. Those decisions are rarely easy or straightforward. Despite our age of instant communication & access to information, issues like the EU Referendum are extremely difficult for the population to be properly informed about. When the available information cannot be relied on the whole process falls into disrepute. Many won't even make the effort, either because it feels futile or because they don't trust what they have been told.

So what do we / I do? I don't know. All I do know is that I no longer think we have politicians we can trust to act in our best interest. Even worse - I no longer think that we have democracy as I understand it.

If honest democracy has died on our watch our grandchildren will pay the price & judge us.

Martin Lewis seems to agree with me.
http://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/06/05/how-to-vote-in-the-eu-referendum/?utm_content=buffer6bef8&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Passionate

I am seriously irritated by the indiscrimainate use of the word passionate in the media.

"Passionate - exhibiting intense sexual feeling or desire - revealing intense emotion - easily roused to anger, quick tempered".

For some reason it's no longer enough to want to do something & be prepared to work hard at achieving it. Simply having an interest or a goal means you aren't committed enough. You have to be "passionate". It's simply not an appropriate word.

It's actually worse than that. Do we really want people to be so emotionally involved or attached to doing something that they can't think rationally & logically? Do we want people in the public eye to be slaves to their emotions? Is that sort of thinking useful to any one or any cause? 

Aren't we better off with people who calmly assess & investigate? People who can use their intellect to select appropriate courses of action & follow them through?

I was far more volatile in my youth. I felt very strongly about people & issues. The world was black & white & I felt I knew what was right or wrong. I could easily be moved to anger or tears by events. I would suggest that my younger self had a place in the grand scheme of things. We need young people to be engaged & involved.

What we don't need is self important people in the public eye, whose ego demands that they be more than anyone else. People who grab the headlines supposedly for a cause. I am certainly beginning to feel that the concept of a "passionate politician" is a complete oxymoron - with the emphasis on moron.

We need people who care. Who can make a difference. Who can see the big picture & get on with the job of actually making things better.