Asking for help

Not something that comes naturally to me. I don't really know why, because if I know someone else need help I do always offer & am prepared to put myself out. I find it almost impossible to really talk about myself unless I am asked directly. Or unless my experience will help solve someone else's problems. But my counsellor pointed out that if you don't ask for help people assume you don't need it. They accept the coping front you project.

This raises the question of how empathetic people are, do they have the imagination to put themselves in your position? Are they really interested in your life, do they ask you probing questions & do they really want to know the answers?

If not, why not? Is it because their lives are so difficult & busy they can only cope with that. Is it because they are self centred & not really interested in anyone else? I don't know the answer. In my experience some people just don't want to delve that deeply & are happy with a fairly superficial relationship. Or a relationship where they can dump all their problems on you.

Recently the husband of a friend just tucked my arm into his and asked how I was getting on, acknowledging that he realised how hard things must be for me. He really wanted to know & was very sympathetic. A woman friend & I spent two days together talking non stop about our lives & families. It was a real two way conversation with both of us sympathising with eachother about some very difficult family issues. Another friend phones me regularly for a chat. All are really lovely & I appreciate them more than I can say. I know if I asked for help I would get it, I just need to practice doing it.

Well, I have just asked my daughter to take me into hospital next week for an Endoscopy & bring me home. I genuinely think that's the first time I have actually asked her to do something that puts her out. Then, because she can't take me in, I asked a neighbour to do it, which he agreed to without hesitation. So I am trying not to isolate myself by appearing too independent.  I am going to be stressed before the procedure because I've had it done before & know how unpleasant it is. Afterwards I'm going to be fairly dopey I think because I'm insisting on having a sedative this time. So I do need help.

At these sorts of times I realise just how alone I am & how much I relied on Dave's support.

Looking Back

I don't tend to do this. I've hardly ever gone back to places I knew or looked up people from my past. For me the past is gone - over and done with. Until now. I am finding it hard to move on from the years spent with David & I recognise that I could be in danger of idealising them & him. I don't think I do, I knew his faults only too well, but still loved him.

Counselling is helping me to see the past as the view from the top of the mountain. You can see where you have been, & where you are aiming for. (Although the latter isn't too clear to me at the moment). Our past experience shapes us, so in that sense it is indelible. We should be able to learn from it, and become stronger, better human beings as a result of that learning. We learn about ourselves and what we can cope with & are capable of. Each little triumph over adversity, each new situation handled well gives confidence that we can deal with life's ups & downs.

But also it is important to learn from our mistakes & not beat ourselves up for making them. I know I am supposed to "be kind to myself". I actually dislike that phrase intensely, but the underlying meaning is right. I just don't seem to be very good at it. I do have very high standards for myself & others, expectations that very few can live up to. I'm much better at accepting other people for what they are now, but am not so generous to myself.

I have asked myself what I have done to deserve the last 3 horrible years. I do believe in Karma & have wondered why these things have happened to me. I'm just beginning to accept that they simply have & I have come through it all. So maybe I'm not so much "over the hill" more have reached the peak & will be able to enjoy the journey down the mountain to the pastures below.

Age Gap

“..those who are 20 don't know what it's like to be 40, whereas those who are 40 know what it's like to be 20. It's a bit like discussing a foreign country with somebody who has never been there” - Alexander McCall Smith.

It seems to me that this is an eternal problem at any age. But it is compounded by the fact that those younger than us seemingly don't value our experience, and think we are completely out of touch with their lives & what they are feeling. Whereas, in truth, we have been there, seen it, done it & got the T Shirt! The detail may change, but the underlying emotions & drivers remain.

They, on the other hand, have no experience of what it is like to be older, so are largely unable to empathise. They simply don't know the questions to ask, let alone have the interest to find out more. 'Twas ever thus.... youth is deeply preoccupied with it's own life & doesn't have the time or inclination to delve deeply into the lives of their parents or older people generally.

This divide is seemingly immutable, apart from a few very special people who do take the time to have really two way conversations with older people. They are genuinely interested enough to probe & listen & try to get to know the older person. It then becomes a proper relationship between two people which crosses the age divide.

Of course it does depend enormously on the older person too. Are they interesting & interested? Do they listen or want to give advice & their opinion on everything? Are they lively and fun or boring & insular?

I think both parties have to work quite hard at being aware of how they behave towards others & what their attitudes are to people of a different generation. It is very easy to slip into self satisfied prejudices. I don't know whether I can do it, but I am trying. 

Pro Active Healthcare

I saw a consultant this week & have to have laparoscopic Gall Bladder surgery & an Endoscopy. Not too worried about the former, but I've had an Endoscopy & know what a horrible procedure it is. So will be quite stressed.

The reason that this is of any interest is because of the diagnosis process. It all stems from chest pain I've been having for about 18 months. The first time I contacted the surgery out of hours they called out an ambulance because of suspected heart attack. It wasn't. So I was able to stop a needless ambulance call when it happened again. The on call doctor was very helpful, but was surprised that no one had pursued gall stones as a possible cause. He told me to go to the surgery & ask for an ultrasound scan.

Well, we all tend to believe that doctors know what they are doing. So when the GP told me that it wasn't gall stones it was reflux I believed him and accepted his advice that I didn't need a scan. Fortunately I go to a good accupuncturist, who agreed with the gall stones diagnosis. So I contacted the senior partner who arranged the scan, which confirmed the gall stones, hence the visit to the consultant.

My first query is why the GP didn't err on the side of caution & accept the recommendation of the out of hours doctor. Cynically I wonder if it is a question of cost. How lucky that I was confident enough to pursue the matter.

My accupuncturist suggested I go the route, which he had done successfully, of dispersing the stones naturally through diet. First you soften the stones, then you drink a mixture which makes you excrete them. The consultant knew about this when I asked, but advised against it because there is "no scientific evidence that it works". His advice was that because the Gall Bladder is diseased there is no alternative to surgery.

So my second question is how on earth a patient is supposed to make a decision when there are two diametrically opposing views as to treatment? Also why research isn't done into natural methods of dealing with ailments? Because of the medical profession's obsession with evidence based treatments, more natural & anecdotally successful methods are not being tried & researched. Many of these treatments have been around for years & do seem to have been successful. They are certainly far less invasive than surgery with all it's attendant risks.

I do wonder if surgeons are pre-disposed to surgery to the exclusion of alternatives. I'm a "high risk" patient because of my heart problems. I have no way of knowing whether the natural method or the surgery is more of a risk for me. Frankly it's a lottery. I will do what the surgeon says, partly because I'm concerned about going the other route living alone as I do. There could be complications even from the "natural" method, & I don't much fancy being on my own if they arise.

I'm left with the thought that it's my body & I want to be in a position to make the best decision for me & be helped to do that. Not sure that happens in today's NHS. I also think that patients have a responsibility to look after themselves and manage their own conditions, a view which the NHS is endorsing more and more. But if the NHS want us to do that, they have to provide the information & facilities to enable it to happen. We each know our body better than any doctor. I don't want paternalistic, god like, doctors - usually men. I want open minded people who listen to the information I give & respect it.

Chinks of light

Second counselling session yesterday. It is interesting how much freer you are to talk openly to an impartial person who really listens & isn't judgmental. So often people just want to tell you their problems & news. I had a very long conversation with a friend the other day & in truth my contributions were monosyllabic, but I know every detail of what has been happening in her life. I find it very difficult to tell someone about what is going on with me, unless they give me an opening by asking questions.

One of the things which resonated with me in the counselling was the counsellor saying that unless there are cracks no light can shine through. In other words, I need to let people see that I am not this super organised, coping person that they seem to think I am. I do have good days & bad days & truly dreadful days too. I just don't tend to talk about it. I certainly don't think I have ever rung someone up or knocked on their door when things have been really bad. Having said that there have been people who have been in the right place at the right time, who have really helped enormously. I suppose it is independence, but it is also a belief that I am the only person who can solve my problems.

However as I age & become more limited in what I can do because of my health problems I suppose I am going to have to learn to be more honest and open. And I am going to have to ask for help.

In the meantime I do think the counselling is helping, because it is making me see that good communication is really important & that involves not just listening, which I seem to do a lot of, but also telling it how it really is. No wo/man is an island - & if they are it's a very lonely place.