Race, Identity & Culture

I find it very hard to comprehend racism in all it's forms, from minor discrimination, (if there is such a thing), to racially motivated killing. In the 21st Century we know an enormous amount about the origins of the human race & population migrations since pre-history. There is a theory, held by many eminent people, that all of us are descended from a few early humans in central Africa. If that is true, & I see no reason to doubt it, doesn't it make discrimination on grounds of colour ridiculous?

Scientists have plotted migrations, over land and sea, from continent to continent, of early humans thousands of years ago. Many of the journeys are quite mind boggling when you consider the unknown adverse conditions people faced. People have always moved in response to poor local conditions, to somewhere they stood a better chance of surviving. That is what "survival of the fittest" is based on. Staying where you are in the face of life threatening adversity isn't going to keep your species going. So isn't every human being a result of that genetic melting pot of embryonic nations. None of us are "pure" anything.

The problem is the seeming unending tendency of the male of the species to define his borders & encroach on someone else's, whilst stopping anyone else sharing in & contributing to his own culture & heritage. It is such a narrow & isolationist attitude. It ignores the past patterns of land occupation, particularly nomadic & tribal history & heritage. It is a behaviour based on man's, (I use the word advisedly), need for power & dominance. It leads to wars, unequal sharing in natural resources & ultimately to genocide. In our case it led to "Empire" in Victorian times & Detention Centres today.

We glibly talk about the "Free World". Where is it in reality?

Moving On 2

The capacity human beings have to vacillate is amazing! A week on from deciding to market the house & move to Oxford I've managed to veer from one extreme to the other.

Good news - the house is worth quite a bit more than I thought and 3 agents seemed very optimistic. But then they would wouldn't they? Local friends were universally supportive & seemed genuinely sorry I might move - some even thought I was a bit potty to be considering leaving such a unique house & location. Especially since I have a good network of tradesmen, friends & neighbours supporting me here. I love my house & the spectacular views.

Conversely, a minor problem with the boiler sent me into stress mode, (but wherever you live you have maintenance & upkeep). In fact it was simply a question of equalising the pressure & I'll know what to do next time. The thing that really put me off was looking at property in Oxford on the internet - much more expensive & lots of Victorian / Edwardian terraced houses & poky flats which I wouldn't consider. I really value peace & quiet & privacy & have lived in a rural area for over 30 years. So city living is obviously going to be a big change & challenge.

But also there are bonuses - access to shops, take aways, good transport links & lots to see and do in a city are what has tempted me to make the move. Not to mention being nearer my daughter & family. Logically, if I could make a new life for myself when David died 3 years ago, I could do it again. The hard work, hassle & cost of moving has probably got to be faced at some time, so probably better sooner rather than later.

So there you are - "Mrs Undecided". I'm not uses to not knowing my own mind, so it's a bit disconcerting. I suppose I might as well give it a go & put myself in the lap of the Gods. Any views would be most welcome.

Mothers Day

The grumpy old woman in me says this is just a good capitalist wheeze to get people to spend money. However, I had a lovely day on Saturday, (yes I know it's Mothering Sunday!) Out of the blue my daughter phoned to arrange that we meet for lunch at Brewery Arts in Cirencester. I was touched that she thought of it & went to the trouble of finding somewhere that both we and the twins would enjoy. We even got chance to talk briefly while the boys enjoyed the exhibition of "Sensational Clay".

I really value the relationship I have with my daughter. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. I couldn't wait to leave home & go to college, & got married as soon as I graduated. So I work hard not to make the same mistakes I think my mother did. She was very strict & controlling. I remember not being allowed to go out to play with the other children & being forced to practice the piano daily in the unheated front room which was freezing cold in winter. Even after I had gone to college I was expected to be home by 10pm in the vacations & I had to get permission to go out at all. She was also very demanding & felt that I owed her a debt of gratitude as her only child. Whatever I achieved was never enough.

Looking back as an adult, I can see that I was probably too rebellious & too much my own person to make her life easy. I also now realise that she was very unhappy for a variety of reasons. Being a German in the UK during the second world war had been very difficult for her & she became very paranoid in middle age. She & my father also had a lot of issues. He too could never be the person she wanted him to be. So basically I do think I understand her now better than I did as an adolescent & a young woman. I don't want to be the sort of mother she was, but I can now acknowledge that she probably did the best she was capable of.

I do still bear the mental scars though, and do my utmost not to have similar expectations of my daughter. I am a great believer in us being in a relationship of two adults. We both have our own lives to live & I am just really pleased that she seems to enjoy my company, as I do hers. I could never have had the sorts of conversations with my mother that I do with my daughter. I could never have socialised with her in the way that Maryon & I do.

I am the driven, Calvanistic work ethic, task oriented, A type personality she made me. Probably the good thing about that is that I had a successful career. The bad thing is that it led to a complete breakdown. But that taught me important lessons too, about valuing people & being kind to them & to myself. I am much more Zen like now as a result of life's experiences. Finally, I realise she is largely resonsible for a lot of my behaviour patterns laid down when I was  a very young child. But I also realise that I have the ability to change the ones I need to.

We are each responsible for our own lives & how we treat others.

Moving On

I have finally made my mind up to try to move house after nearly three years without David. Hardly a rushed decision & I'm really not sure it's the right one. I have made a life for myself here & will be sad to leave the friends & neighbours who have seen me through. I have been very fortunate, but it has given me some confidence that I can do it all again, even if I would rather not.

I haven't really got a choice. There are all sorts of reasons why this isn't the ideal place for me at my age and with various health problems. Sooner or later I would have to do it, so better sooner, before I have to, and while I am able. The thought of the sheer bloody hard work & stress of moving house on my own is daunting.

But I do have a very Zen feeling about life. Once you choose a path and commit to it all sorts of new possibilities open up. None of us know what is round the corner. Hopefully my friends will want to visit if I move to Oxford, so I won't lose touch, and hopefully I will make new ones too. People are much more important than things.

So, I'm on a mission to clear out junk - The charity shops will have a field day - again! Wherever I go will be smaller than this house, so the sooner I do it the better.

I'm not going to Oxford to live my life vicariously through Maryon & the twins. It's a head not heart decision. It's a transport hub & it's got a lot of interesting things to see & do. I fancy being somewhere that I don't have to get in a car every time I want to go somewhere. I'd like to be able to walk to get a take away. I don't want the worry, work  & cost of maintaining a big house & garden.

I think I'm due some good luck for a change, so I'm hoping this will go reasonably smoothly. But if it doesn't I'll just have to stay here & pay for more help. "Che sera sera". 

Synchronicity & Coincidence.

I saw the Royal Opera House perfomance of Puccini's Madame Butterfly yesterday at Stroud Cinema. Although this isn't my favourite opera, tears were pouring down my cheeks at the end & I was emotionally drained. Liping Zhang as Cio Cio San was sublime. The streaming of live ballets & operas is absolutely brilliant & gives everyone the opportunity to see wonderful & moving performances by the worlds best opera & ballet stars. Very democratic.

Co-incidentally at the same time I am reading "China Road" by Rob Gifford. This recounts his journey from Shanghai in the East to Korgaz on the border with Kazakhstan in the North West, along Route 312, which is part of the Old Silk Road. The fascinating revelations about life in China & the historical & political background to 21stC China make compelling reading. "Chinese civilisation began it's rise to world dominance in the 7th & 8th centuries, & reached it's zenith in the 12th C, while Europe was still in the Dark & Middle Ages". When this book was published in 2007 China had a population of 750 million despite the fact that 30 million people died in Mao's Great Leap Forward. I find those numbers incomprehensible.

Both of these current experiences remind me of the trip to China I did in 1999. It was a regular tourist trail & we had a tour guide / minder, but it was a really interesting trip because it pointed up the huge cultural differences there are between China & the West. Sadly China is still very little understood by people in the West & we still tend to have very perjorative attitudes to China. I came back both deeply frustrated by & hugely admiring of the Chinese. It's a dichotomy which is unresolved today.

So, I am looking forward to the documentary on channel 4 tonight - "China: Triumph & Turmoil". As China's star rises & America & the West wanes we need to come to a better understanding of both China & Asia in general. We need to stop thinking of ourselves & our "democratic" ways as the template for all govenment & get rid of our patronising, imperialist & colonialist attitudes. The pace of change in China is startling, but a country this big & diverse geographically, with such a mind bogglingly big population, poses huge problems. We in the West can't sort out our financial crisis, which we ourselves created by our greed. So who are we to tell the Chinese how to solve the undoubted huge obstacles to progress in their country? 

Fancy Dress

I went to a 65th birthday lunch party at the weekend. It was fancy dress & the theme was Hollywood because my friend is a big film buff. Looking round the big gathering of people in the cinema, which was the venue, it was quite surprising how varied the costumes were & the effort many people had gone to.

It does make you think about the different attitudes to dressing up. Some hate it, some resent having to do it, some make minimal effort, (lots of men in their Tux's or Dinner jackets), some simply won't do it, & some go the whole hog & really get into the spirit of the thing. It can't just reflect how outgoing & confident people are because it is possible to hide behind a different persona - Many actors are very shy or lacking in self confidence. Sometimes people who take any opportunity to be the centre of attention are masking a deep seated difficulty in feeling at ease with other people.

I was dressed as "the girl with the dragon tattoo" simply because it was relatively easy to do. I now feel comfortable enough in my own skin to not care too much what other people think. It did create a bit of a problem because I went swimming in the evening &  people I know by sight were obviously surprised to see a 67 year old suddenly sporting a dragon tattoo & purple hair! My 6 year old grandsons on the other hand weren't fazed at all by seeing their granny so outageously attired. I didn't realise how difficult it would be to get rid of the tattoo, finally nail polish remover did the trick. Could never be tempted to have a real one.

I enjoyed the party, & appreciated the huge amount of effort & planning which had gone into it. More importantly, I think the birthday celebrant enjoyed it too. My only problem nowadays is that I simply can't hear what people are saying in big gatherings with a lot of background noise from conversations getting louder & louder. I haven't managed to learn to lip read yet, so run the risk of misunderstanding what has been said & making a completely inappropriate reply. Given that there were some interesting people there it's a shame I often couldn't hear what they had to say! My other problem is that I can't stand upright for a long time without being very uncomfortable. Drink doesn't help either!

Maybe we should all try being someone else occasionally.