Family Holidays

I have just returned from a wonderful holiday with my family - 5 days on Safari in a Masai Mara Conservancy & 6 days on a beach in Galu Beach in Kenya. Hopefully it will leave us all with some lovely memories. It was a very different holiday than any I have done before for all sorts of reasons.  Hitherto I didn't really "do" holidays, I was more of a "traveller".

I don't think I have ever spent as long with my daughter, son in law & 2 grandsons before. In fact we have rarely been on holiday together - I think this is the 3rd time. I am not used to more or less continuous company now after 9 years of widowhood. So I was a little concerned that there might be tensions. Although we are family, there are marked differences in age, attitude, personality & perspective. Fortunately I don't think it was a problem - but that's just my perspective!

It was a very active holiday for the Safari & very laid back for the Beach. I was concerned about the physical effect on me for the first & wondered whether I would be able to tolerate the inactivity of the second.

The Safari was a constant source or pleasure for me, not just the wildlife, but the ever changing landscape & the people & culture. I have always used distraction technique for pain & it worked. I was totally engaged in what we were seeing & doing despite the unbelievably bumpy 4WD travelling over dirt roads & even no roads. It exceeded all expectations - the wildlife in particular was really amazing. The only thing we didn't see was Rhino. Having a pride of lions of all ages playing round your Toyota Land Cruiser & seeing a lion kill is much more than I could have imagined.

The beach was a surprise too. I probably needed the relaxation of not having to get up very early & spend hours travelling over rough terrain - I was very tired. I did have a really good book & I did enjoy meeting new people, eating good food, & generally doing none of the things I do at home.

The local people we met both in the Safari Camp & the Beach Resort were all wonderful. It is good to realise that poverty in the developed world is not the same as poverty in Africa & other developing nations. The mere fact that I could afford to take my family on this holiday makes me wealthy beyond the imagining of most people we met - apart from the other tourists of course.

I always return from travelling in less fortunate places aware of the accident of birth that made me so lucky to be well fed & cared for, with a well built home, a free health care & education system & no serious worries. Then there is our relatively uncorrupt, democratic government. How to bridge that huge gap is something which I don't know the answer to.

All everyone that I met who looked after us  really wanted was a better life, education & health care & enough food for their children. Half of humanity does not have clean water. It's not a lot to ask. It doesn't seem that we are getting any closer to achieving it for a huge number of people less fortunate than we are.

Almost half the world — over three billion people — live on less than $2.50 a day. At least 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 a day. More than 80 percent of the world's population lives in countries where income differentials are widening.
http://www.globalissues.org/article/26/poverty-facts-and-stats

Multiple Personality Me

I have just worked out that I have had 7 "personalities" in my lifetime, each with different names. A lot of my life more than one "personality" existed simultaneously - Only three are not current:-

1. Daughter - Waldtraut
2. Friend - Val
3. Wife - Mache (too long to explain)
4. Mother - Mum
5. Professional - Mrs Carlill
6. Grandmother - Granny Tree House (too long to explain)
7. Me - Who am I? - (See previous post)

I don't mean to compare myself to someone who has Multiple Personality Disorder, now called  Dissociative Identity Disorder, & previously called Split Personality. This is a serious & complex condition which is usually caused by serious trauma. It must be extremely difficult to live with.
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder#1

Obviously both women & men experience this to a certain extent, but I would argue that it causes more conflict in women than in most men. Women of my generation made huge efforts to try to fulfill the demands of each role to the very best of their ability. All of the first 6 roles require women to put others first & to be "caring". Somehow the "Me" gets lost in that in my experience.

Seemingly today's women have moved on from this expectation of what women will be & do. Some women are more prepared to consider what they want as being equally as important as the needs of others. However, untill we radically change the way we bring up boys and girls, I don't think the emotional tug on women will genuinely be fair or equal with men. To be fair to men, many are participating wholeheartedly in the upbringing of children now to the benefit of both themselves & their offspring.

In my life it has only been in the last 9 years that I have begun to comprehend what I gave up to my multiple personality life & the compromises I made. I'm not saying that what I did was wrong or that I have huge regrets. I am saying that I wish I had been able to keep a space for No 7 - Me in the daily round of multiple demands on me & multitasking.

I really hope the current generation of women realise that No 7 is just as important as any of the other multiple personalities they have.

Drinking Culture

 I can remember going to parties when I was at college & drinking far too much. I can remember a very active social life once I started working & drinking played a big part. I can also remember being drunk more times than I care to admit. None of this resulted in my doing any harm to anyone thank goodness. I just became very merry & suffered a loss of inhibition. Although I was having fun, my judgement was impaired & I now feel lucky that I didn't do something I would live to regret.

My youth is a far cry from the drinking culture of today, seen in the clubs & bars of cities every weekend. People set out to get completely drunk. They start drinking before they even leave home. People become loud & boorish. Some become aggressive & some lose it completely. People are injured, sometimes permanently & sometimes people die.  A & E departments across the country are filled to overflowing. Medics must get to the point of wondering why they do what they do. Maybe we should start charging for drink related hospital treatment - It is a lifestyle choice for most.

A recent case gives rise to questions about whether someone in the public eye has a bigger responsibility to be a good role model than Joe Blogs. I think they do. Sportspeople for example are representing their country & must have a responsibility to be as fit as possible in order to do that. Drinking to excess hardly leads to a fit body & a clear head.

All to often these "celebrities" have a history of similar behaviour. Their drinking culture leads to being offensive & insulting at the lower end of the scale. They sometimes ignore drink driving legislation, possibly feeling the law doesn't apply to them. They certainly ignore the wise counsel of managers who must become quite desperate to halt the self destructive behaviour.

Actually it's sad as well as destructive. Relationships are destroyed because living with someone who is frequently drunk really is no fun. If the only way you can live your life is through a bottle you don't value yourself, let alone your friends & family. It is very immature behaviour & reveals a lot about the drinker.

Personally I think it's about time we had an open discussion about alcohol abuse & it's impact on society. Why should we put up with anti social behaviour & the on costs of drunkenness?
https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2016/jan/22/alcohol-and-the-nhs-five-key-questions

 

It really isn't funny at all.

Who am I ??? - Who are you???-

Ego - "A sense of personal identity - One's sense of self esteem / importance"

Who we are is largely based on our memories. Things we have done, people we know, places we have been. Few adults can remember anything that happened to them before the age of 3. A new study has found that about age 7 our earliest memories begin to fade, a phenomenon known as childhood amnesia. I think I've got adult amnesia - I don't seem to remember a lot about my childhood at all.

Memory - " Something remembered from the past. The faculty by which the mind stores and remembers information".

So - given all of that, what happens to identity in an ageing population who at the least find their memory unreliable & at the worst have Vascular Dementia or Alzheimers?

 

I also wonder how much image matters to our sense of our own identity. If you are blind from birth & have never seen yourself, how difficult is it to have a sense of identity without knowing what you look like? Image is so important today, not just for people in the public eye, but I know women who feel distictly unhappy without full make up on & men who always dress smartly. That was me when I was working, but nowadays I rarely bother. Somehow I don't feel the need anymore.

Our sense of self is quite dependent on the clothes we wear. We all have a personal style. We choose the clothes & colours we like. How we dress matters to us personally & to how others perceive us. We also tend to make involuntary judgements about others depending on how they look. The judgements we make may be inaccurate & can change as we get to know someone, but if we don't get to know them, changing our view is more difficult.

I  now feel  confident & "happy in my own skin". It hasn't always been thus. As a teenager my self esteem was much lower. Maybe as we age and mature we are able to accept who we are & what we look like more and more. Teenagers & young adults often lack self esteem & confidence. This is sometimes caused by uninvolved or negligent parents, negative peers or trauma  / abuse. 

It seems such a shame that so many people are lost today. They don't know & value who they are. They are insecure & make bad choices. It seems such a simple question to answer, who am I, who are you? 

It's not.

Mis-Speaking & Deniability

Misspeak - "express oneself in an insufficiently clear or accurate way".

Do we believe that is what happens so frequently with Trump, or any other Politician? I think not. They didn't get to be where they are today being unable to string two words together intelligably.

Apparently these are the skills Politicians need:-

1. Writing and Research Skills. ...
2. Public Speaking and Presentation Skills. ...
3. Knowledge of Social Media. ...
4. Understanding Your Audience. ...
5. Crisis Management and Problem Solving.

I wonder how world leaders & Politicians would score on these with different audiences?  You really would think that the "gift of the gab" would rate highly on a politicians resume. Being able to communicate effectively & accurately seemed to be a prerequisite hitherto - but apparently not now in the age of Post Truth.

Politicians everywhere seem to be unable to speak simply & directly, without being open to misunderstanding, on issues important to their electorate. It is deliberate obfustication. Not wishing to tie themselves into a clear statement which may be quoted back at them. Trump is a law unto himself - Truth is an unknown concept to him. May is so far down the line of placating Conservative factions about Brexit that she has no idea what is honest any more.

So many politicians seem to believe that so long as they are woolly enough they can deny anything. Denial has become an art form. That's why they never give direct answers to direct questions. Trump, just lies, says whatever comes into his head & then denies he ever said it.

Then there is Political Deniability - "Plausible deniability. ... In politics and espionage, deniability refers to the ability of a powerful player or intelligence agency to pass the buck and avoid blowback by secretly arranging for an action to be taken on their behalf by a third party ostensibly unconnected with the major player".

Lying & Deniability is actually built into the system. It makes you sick. 

 

Tennis - Wimbledon 2018

I am a fan. I watch every year. I've been watching since the 60s. Not every match - I've  always had favourite people - Usually in the top half of the seeding, (apart from the Brits I've seen come & go). I like the mens 5 setters better than the womens game. I've been lucky enough to go to both Queens & Wimbledon. But actually I think I prefer watching on TV.

I've seen the game & the equipment change radically in 50 years. Not necessarily for the better. The use of Graphite & Graphene for raquets completely changed the game & meant the the balls themselves had to change too - Fast, medium & slow balls were introduced.
https://www.ft.com/content/0790ed2e-1c3e-11e6-b286-cddde55ca122
https://bleacherreport.com/articles/547256-how-the-humble-tennis-ball-has-hepled-change-the-game
Tennis has become a power game, mostly played from the baseline, with very little of the really entertaining rallies fans love. The dominating serve significantly reduces play in each game - Aces are commonplace.

Now  professionals can play, (since 1968), it has become more about the money. Djokovic & Kerber got £2.25 million. Anderson & Williams got £1.125 million this year. Laver, Rosewall & Court would not recognise todays game. Mind you, they probably need that to pay for the huge entourages the top players seem to have.

I watched the Anderson / Federer match & the Anderson / Isner match. I think the time has definitely come to make some changes. Who has the time to watch a 6 hour 35 minute match? Or worse, the 11hr 5 mins match between Isner & Mahout in 2015?

http://www.wired.co.uk/article/next-generation-atp-finals-future-of-tennis-rule-changes

There are things which really irritate me about tennis today. Djokovic pats the ball with his raquet up to 7 times & then bounces the ball up to 17 times before serving by my count. This not only breaks the 20 second rule, it is boring to watch & must be frustrating for the opponent - but perhaps that's the whole point. It is usually the men who do things like that.

Rafa has a whole routine of tells / tics & doesn't care how long anyone has to wait. It seems very OCD. The women seem to just bounce the ball a couple of times & serve - Good for them.
https://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/06/rafael-nadal-ritual-tic-pick-water-bottles

The game definitely isn't what it was. Players are so focussed their personalities are hidden beneath a  face devoid of emotion. Concentration on this shot, this point, is everything. No wonder they become obsessed. Bring back Nastase I say. Players who are entertaining & relate to the fans rather than the corporate sponsors.

It's only sport after all.

Downsizing & the Property Market

According to Zoopla, "the average Brit moves home every 23 years. Over the course of their lives, that means that people will move around 8 times". I don't quite get the maths of that - you would live for 184 years surely? Anyway, I've moved 8 times in 73 years so far.

My home isn't exactly ideal for someone single approaching old age - Too big, 3 floors, 2 flights of stairs & no facility to live on the ground floor. It is modern, light & airy, with a lovely courtyard & balcony, (but not the responsibility of looking after a garden), & in a very good location.

So many people will be in the situation I face of downsizing for the last time. Contemplating a move to a flat or some sort of  "retirement village". The reality, according to BBC "Money Box," is that "according to research, 51% of retirement properties built and sold between 2000 and 2010, and then sold again between 2006 and 2016, suffered a loss in value". The average was 17% but it could be more than 50%. I am amazed.

Add to that the fact that these properties are almost always leasehold, as are flats, & have a variable maintenance charge which you have no control over. It all begins to look like a bit of a poisoned chalice for the elderly.

My question is, given the huge housing problem we have in the UK, why the Government don't step in to give my ever increasing demographic a better option? We don't necessarily want to live in a ghetto for the elderly. Mixed communities are much better. What we need is to get away from the current mindset of a mini castle with it's own land for everyone. We need to look at different models for blocks of flats in Europe. Possibly a mixture of low & high rise, with a lot of accessible green space. Kevin Mc Cloud of Grand Designs has some good ideas about new build communities.
https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/sep/04/grand-designs-presenter-kevin-mccloud-seeks-to-raise-50m-to-build-600-homes-a-year

People like me need to be able to free up family homes & move to somewhere better designed for their final home. The impact all the way down the housing chain would be really good. It won't be done well by profit driven private builders. Current new housing is generally badly designed & shoddy.

 

I wish my generation could be encouraged & facilitated to set up private co-ownership associations to convert or build. But that & any other option needs Government support. Think of the wealth we could put into this. We could help in the design process so that the accommodation was really well adapted for our needs, but also adaptable for anyone. An older example of what I'm thinking about is Ritchie Court in Oxford, which I have seen. www.ritchiecourt.com/

There needs to be new, creative thinking, about the property market & how it should meet the needs of real people of all ages. The old ways are clearly not working. I don't necessarily mean actual self build obviously, but self management & financing is posssible for all sorts of people, young & old.

Everyone would benefit - it seems a no brainer to me.