Difficult Conversations

The dilemma of how to say something to others, when you know that it may, at best, be taken the wrong way & at worst cause confrontation, argument & hurt, is difficult to handle. The judgement call is a fine line. Should you say anything at all? Should you just "bite your lip" & pretend the problem doesn't exist? Should you be true to yourself & face up to the issue?

I don't think there is a straightforward answer. There are so many variables - the personalities involved, the importance of the issue, the circumstances surrounding it....My gut feeling is always to bring things out into the open & discuss them. But I know that is a touch selfish, because I am not good at going along with something I don't agree with for a quiet life. The issue nags away at me. It may keep me awake at night. I go over conversations in my head. Especially when it involves people I love or like a lot. 

But life is not straightforward. Life is a bumpy ride. We all need to learn how to deal with problems, arguments & confrontation. We all need to be true to our own sense of right or wrong - of fairness. We also need to learn how to broach issues in a tactful & sympathetic way, trying to be rational & keep emotion at bay. In order to do it well we need to listen as much or more than speak. We need empathy & understanding. There are far more grey areas than black & white ones. 

We also need to be able to apologise if we are wrong or accept apology if the other person is. We need to be able to forgive. As Alexander Pope said "To err is human, to forgive divine". 

The thing that concerns me about politics today is that politicians don't seem to be able, or allowed, to "Speak truth unto Power". This means courageously challenging authority, calling out injustice, or sharing critical feedback without fear of retaliation. It originates from a 1955 civil rights and pacifist pamphlet by the American Friends Service Committee. Which is ironic when it seems that few people are speaking truth to the president of the United States who is becoming more & more unpredictable, volatile & downright unhinged in his utterings & behaviour.

My current dilemma is to withdraw from doing something that isn't working for me, without giving offence. Sometimes you do just have to do what is best for you regardless of how others will interpret it. That isn't self centred, it's being pragmatic & having integrity. But that doesn't stop it being difficult. 

 

Repetition

My personal data base is full. So my systems sometimes become confused. This means that I may be becoming quite annoying, repeating things I have already said. I am not necessarily aware of this, but can see that it could be irritating to those nearest & dearest to me. I also have words & patterns of speech that are repetetive, most of us do. The classic is the pointless use of the word "like" dotted throughout every sentence. Personally I find that hugely irritating.

Use of language is important. Words matter. I wonder if we are so use to texts, WhatsApps, emails & all the short form communications today, that we have forgotten how to verbally communicate clearly & well. 

When I listen to the news on radio 4 it is striking that the presenter asks a question, usually straightforwardly & clearly. The interviewee, particularly politicians, may well not want to answer. So they prevaricate by answering a different question of their own to get other information across that they do want the audience to hear. There follows an irascible ding dong of repetition of the actual question & the non answer. It is very unedifying.

I find that on a more personal scale, when contentious subjects are being discussed, often people don't really listen to what the other party says. There is a tendency to hold fast to their own point of view & repeat it over & over. I have sometimes tried to disengage from arguments like this by saying "we will have to agree to disagree". But it often doesn't work. Sometimes people cannot let go. It appears that they feel that repetition will convince me that I am wrong & they are right.

We humans are hidebound, (stubbornly inflexible, narrow minded & rigidly stuck in the past or traditional ways of thinking), by repetetive patterns, not just of speech, but of behaviour. If we are to live together reasonably amicably, both personally & as communities, we need to move on from just repeating the patterns of the past. 

We need to be more open, more generous, more accepting of difference. We need to listen more & speak in a more thoughtful way. We need to try to understand different points of view.

      

Concentration

I don't have any problem concentrating on what I am doing. Unfortunately I am really task oriented. I mostly continue with what I am doing until I'm satisfied it is finished. I can also multi task when necesary. What I can't do is do anything requiring thought & listen to the radio or watch TV simultaneously. I also can't be creative without concentrating. The best I can do is listen to classical music while working - piano or Bach for instance. 

One of the things I really enjoy is reading a good book. I read for various reasons - to relax, to be entertained, to be informed, to widen my horizons & learn something new. When I was younger I could never stop reading a book because I wasn't enjoying it, but now I am quite capable of doing that. My life will be too short to read all the books I actually have, so I'm not going to waste my time reading something I am not enjoying - Something that is a chore. 

So I am quite concerned to find that there has been a marked change in attention spans. Research shows that our ability to focus on a single digital screen task has steadily dropped from about 2.5 minutes in the early 2000's to about 40 - 47 seconds today. In addition overall book reading among adults & younger people is declining, largely because of social media, streaming & the pace of modern life. Plus of course the shorter attention spans.

My concern is even wider. "Sound bites" typically range from 5 to 15 seconds long. They are designed to distill complex information into a short, memorable, and easily quotable phrase. They often contain around 10 to 30 words. We apparently are not able to concentrate & take in longer complex information.

 

So presumably we have been in the process of radically changing our brains - Our Neural pathways. Modern life & technology has changed our brains. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to constantly reorganize and form new neural connections. Our environments, digital habits, and reliance on technology have measurably altered how we focus, remember, and process information. How often I have seen mothers glued to their phones & not talking to their babies or toddlers?

I'm not at all sure that I am happy with that. Thank god my brain is quite old & resistant to change. Although I'm quite technically competent, I'm definitely not scrolling on my phone all day. I'm not a slave to algorithms thinking for me. I don't go down the "black holes" or "rabbit warrens". I am capable of focussing.   

 

 

 

Instant Gratification

Over my lifetime the world has moved on in ways I could not have imagined. I expect my parents generation felt exactly the same. It's a mixed picture, some things are much better, technology for example. Some have stayed the same like the disconnect between the rich & the poor. Some are worse I think, homelessness, the employment situation for the young & the NHS spring to mind.

One huge difference I see is the unrealistic expectation that our desires will be met instantly as a right. I think my post war generation was more stoic, self reliant & accepting. I think the majority of people did just get on with life. I don't think we had high expectations of what would be provided for us by the state. Support from the family, yes. From friends & neighbours too. But not handed to us by an overarching state. 

If that is what you want then someone has to pay - the only way, apart from credit card debt, is from taxes. So the tax system has to be fair & equitable. Data suggests the lowest income households may pay a disproportionately high percentage of their income in total taxes—including VAT and council tax—due to the regressive nature of consumption taxes. The tax system often treats unearned income (capital gains, dividends) more favorably than income from employment, which is seen as unfair to people who rely on wages rather than accumulated or inherited wealth. Although high for the UK, tax-to-GDP ratios remain below the average for many other advanced Western European economies.

Undoubtedly the ridiculously complex UK tax system needs complete overhaul & simplification. "Patriotic Millionairs" research shows that 9 in 10 UK millionaires are proud to live in Britain and three-quarters would be willing to pay more tax to ensure public assets get the funding they need. Great!

But the rest of us also need to understand that we need to let go of the idea that the State will provide. That we can have all the trappings of modern life - mobile phones, computers, huge TV's, disposable fashion, the latest kitchens & bathrooms...on demand. We need to go back to the idea of funding our own lifestyle according to our means. Yes we need to give help to the poor, the ill & the disposessed. But we need to accept that a welfare state cannot & should not fund huge, unrealistic sums of money.

There needs to be a contract between all of us, that as far as possible we will not expect instant gratification, state sponsored, funding. The state should be a safety net for people in real need. Things have got out of hand. We need to accept that some things take time to achieve & that is no bad thing. We need the basics. Everything over & above that is a bonus not a right.

  

We all need to see tax as a duty not something to be evaded at all costs. We all need to really believe in fair distribution of wealth.  

 

 

 

Icons

There have been a few people that I have hugely admired in my lifetime. Two obvious ones, Nelson Mandela of South Africa & David Attenborough of the UK. Both are men who have had vision & determination to effect change for the better in different spheres. Both have literally given their lives to their goals. Without ever meeting them, both seem to be truly remarkable & genuine people who care for others & the world around them. Both worked selflessly & tirelessly for the causes they espoused.

There are sporting icons, great actors, leaders, musicians, dancers. People who have worked exceptionally hard to achieve in their chosen field. It takes effort, dedication & sometimes privation. I admire many, but the ones I admire most are the ones who are prepared to speak out against injustice & wrong. Often that takes great bravery.

We are at a stage in the history & development of our world when we need more people who are prepared to do this. People who don't set out to be icons. They just follow a path of truth & justice wherever it leads.

We have a plethora of paper tigers, influencers, politicians, pedlers of lies & conspiracy theories. Their voices are heard, but they are not acting in our interests or the interests of the planet we live in. 

 

Then there are those who remain silent when they should speak out. If you see a wrong & do not act what sort of human being are you? Taking the easy way is not taking the right way. We may not all have the charisma to be an icon, but we can all openly support truth & justice. We can all influence the thinking of others by providing reputable sources & evidence to oppose lies & conspiracy theories. We can all stand up to bullies & loud voices trying to override the majority of decent people. 

We cannot expect someone else to do this for us. We cannot expect the problems of the world to be sorted out by someone else. Every voice & every action supporting fairness & right is important.

 

Tradition & Politics

I am not convinced that being tied to tradition is such a good thing. Theoretically traditions help create cultural identity, social cohesion & continuity. Really? There are British traditions which seem anachronistic to me, like Black Rod banging on the doors of an adversarial English parliament summoning MP's for the King's speech for example. Does that happen in Scotland or Wales? No wonder they want independence. I also seriously question the singing of Rule Britannia, Land of Hope & Glory & Jerusalem at the last night of the proms. To me they are outdated celebrations of colonialism in a multi ethnic & cultural society.

History is important if we learn the lessons that it teaches. But so much of what we should have learnt we haven't & we just repeat the same mistakes in a never ending "groundhog day", where tedious, monotonous or repetetive situations happen over & over. We are still a hierarchical, male dominated, class ridden, society according to the 2023 Great British Class Survey. 

https://revisesociology.com/2023/04/07/the-great-british-class-survey/

Elite (6% of the population): the most privileged class in Great Britain who have high levels of all three capitals which sets them apart from all other classes. Typical jobs include lawyers, doctors and higher-level managers. Much of their wealth is in property (they are typically home owners), and their income and wealth are double that of the next class down. Also one of the oldest classes in terms of age with an average age of 57.

Established Middle Class (25% of the population): members of this class have high levels of all three capitals although not as high as the Elite. They are a gregarious and culturally engaged class. Average age of 46.

Technical Middle Class (6%): a new class with high economic capital but seem less culturally engaged. They have relatively few social contacts and so are less socially engaged. Average age of 52.

New Affluent Workers (14%): this class has medium levels of economic capital and higher levels of cultural and social capital. They are a young and active group with an average aged of 44.

Emergent Service Workers (15%): a new class which has low economic capital but has high levels of ‘emerging’ cultural capital and high social capital. This group are the youngest class with an average age of 32 and are often found in urban areas.

Traditional Working Class (19%): this class scores low on all forms of the three capitals although they are not the poorest group. The oldest class with an average age of 66.

Precariat (15%): the most deprived class of all with low levels of economic, cultural and social capital. These are the most likely to rent and will typically be in unskilled temporary jobs, with an average age of 50.

  

The Precariat is new to me. How sad that we have had to create a new even lower class. 

 

Yesterdays election results just indicate to me how unhappy the British electorate is with the status quo. Populism or a different way forward seems to be what people want. I do think we need to really look at ourselves & compare what & who we are with Europe, Scandinavia & the rest of the world. We need to find a way to retain some good traditions & finally get rid of the ones that prevent us becoming more in tune with the challenges of todays scientific & technical world. 

 

If we don't I fear we will go the way of the Dinosaurs, because we will no longer be "fit for purpose" in todays fast moving world. 

 

 

Little Pleasures

Ageing means changing, adapting & accepting. Both mind & body change, which affects what you can & can't do. There are two ways of dealing with this, you can accept & modify, or you can refuse & fight it. Accepting & modifying does not mean giving in & becoming isolated, insular & self absorbed. It means knowing the things you cannot change or do and finding "work arounds". It is important not to just lay down & give in, but you do need determination to continue to live a good life, whatever the challenges. 

Several previous pleasures are no longer open to me because of pain, stiffness, fatigue & breathlessness. Hill walking is a long lost pleasure. Pacing is important because stamina is non existant. Gardening & housework are difficult & some things are even impossible. Showering & dressing is a challenge, either my arms are shorter or my legs are longer & I can't reach my feet! Sitting for extended periods in the theatre or cinema is painful. Cooking from scratch is painful & exhausting. Visiting art exhibitions is difficult & tiring. Walking for more than 5 minutes is a challenge. Walking & talking even more so....I could go on, but how boring would that be?

I do think that you have to accept some of the challenges of ageing. I also think that mindset is really important. If you only see the negative you become someone who is not a pleasure to be with. You become a "drain". Self absorbtion is not a pleasant characteristic. Always focussing on your conditions or the aspects of your life you don't like will not endear you to those around you.

So, providing you don't have a terminal condition, (although we all do in a way), or you aren't suffering from a really serious illness, I think you have to be aware & outward looking. You have to find the things that give you pleasure. Little pleasures like enjoying good food & not eating rubbish. Finding a way of keeping fit you enjoy, (I love swimming). Keeping interested in what is going on with family & friends & the world. (You are not the centre of the Universe). Listening to the radio, (I love Radio 4).  Volunteering & helping others, (beneficial because you are actually meeting people). Doing things to keep your mind active & distracting you from the day to day difficulties of life - Puzzles, reading, games like solitaire & mahjong on an Ipad or phone....

I think I am saying look honestly at your thoughts & personality. Would you want to spend time with yourself? Yes, if you live alone I know you do most of the time. But would you enjoy a conversation with yourself? Are you interested in other people, new things, events in the world, life itself? Or are you trapped in a mindset that has unrealistic expectations of others & is negative about everything & everyone?

Actually, I don't think this is just about ageing. It's about just being a nice human being & really valuing how lucky you are in small ways. Accentuate the positive, a song from 1945, the year I was born. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3jdbFOidds&t=60s