Being 75

Today is my 75th birthday. A mid January birthday has never been much fun. It's usually miserable weather. People are glad to be through Christmas & New Year. They have gone back to work & don't really want to think about cards, presents & special days. Possibilities for a day out are very limited.

For me 75 is different somehow. It is more of a milestone in some ways. I am no different to how I was yesterday - but I am. Time seems to be going faster. I am a day nearer finding out what, if anything, is on the other side of the great divide. I need to make the most of the time I have.

I would like to be confident that I will do the things that have been on my back burner for years - Spending my time painting & working with textiles - Allowing myself to sit & read - To sit & play the piano - Basically just enjoy myself.

I would like to be less task oriented. I would like to ditch the never ending "to do" list. I would like to be spontaneous. I would like to be outrageous & disgraceful. Not to be so concerned what others think of me.

But I don't think it will happen. I fear I will probably go into the furnace basically the same person I have always been, because the behaviour patterns are ingrained. They were habits learned very early on from a dominant & controlling parent.

All is not lost. I do believe we can learn new habits. We can be self aware. If I can learn a new way to brush my teeth from my hygienist, I can also learn to be more generous to myself! I can learn how to ask for help when I need it.

The problem is that everyone I know knows the me they are used to. They may not like the me who emerges in the same way if I succeed. It's a risk I'll have to take if I'm to be outrageous & disgraceful.