RAM / ROM & My Brain

Random Access Memory -  allows computer stored data to be accessed directly in any random order.

Read Only Memory - data stored cannot be modified, or can be modified only slowly or with difficulty.

My brain - struggling with overload. Too many things to do, remember to do now / in the future, check I have done....... The possible scenarios for error are endless. Stored data is frequently not immediately accessible. Conversely it may surface at the most inconvenient times when I haven't got a pen & paper. Then I can actually feel it drift out of my consciousness to sink into the quagmire inside my head. There is a constant frisson of anxiety that I will forget something vital.

I have lists - Endless lists. Hard copy & in my computer, which can be modified. My life is one continuous, prioritised, list determined by imperatives. My memory banks are overloaded. The black holes are full. Retrieval crashes on a regular basis.

All of this because I am hoping to move house on top of doing all the routine, day to day things I have got used to doing by myself.

Sorting out cupboards, sheds, the garage, the loft brings back the stored data of my life's memories which cannot be modified. Sometimes that is pleasurable, sometimes not.

I will be glad when this phase of my life is over. I've had enough now. It's been going on too long.

Travelling Light - A life in 100 objects

Well actually more than a hundred. Being hopefully optimistic that my move to Oxford will actually take place at last, I have been going through my cupboards. Even though I tell myself I have never been a shopper, I seem to have an inordinate amount of stuff I want / need to let go of.

I have now got several piles. Antique furniture & effects to go to auction - antique & vintage effects to maybe sell on Ebay or Preloved - things that aren't worth the commission the auctioneers charge to sell, that will go to a charity. There is also some stuff for the tip. It is strangely satisfying & compulsive to divest myself of things accumulated over a lifetime.

Most things have a memory attached, mostly of my married life & friends or family. Even so I have no compunction about divesting myself of them. The people will live on in my memory without tangible reminders - well, until I am really senile & by then nothing will help. I really do want to be free of all the clutter & I certainly don't want to be polishing wood, silver, copper or brass. I also don't want to pack anything here and unpack it in Oxford, only to get rid of it there. Life is too short & is getting shorter by the minute!

The things I have most problems with are old clothes I like & comfortable shoes. There is a pecking order in my wardrobe - Posh stuff, (which gets less & less of an outing now) - Casual stuff I wear all the time, mostly trousers. My legs don't see daylight often! - Old comfortable stuff for gardening, housework & walking. This is the most difficult. There's plenty of wear left in it, and I like it, so it's hard to throw it out. But I really won't be doing much gardening, housework or walking in my new life, so it has to go. I hope the charities will send it to someone who needs it or re-cycle it.

I have a vision of my new life. It involves a huge personality re-adjustment. I intend to be selfish & try to enjoy my life a lot. I intend to be fairly lazy & not rush about ticking jobs off a list. I will get up late & stay out late. If I don't feel like doing something / going somewhere I won't & I won't apologise either. I will please myself, as there isn't anyone else who will make any effort to please me. This may all be more difficult than I can imagine after a lifetime of putting others first at work and at home, but I'm going to give it a good try.

I won't wear purple, it's not a good look on me. I doubt if I will spit or swear in the street. But apart from that I think Jenny Joseph got it about right in her poem "Warning". I've had enough of sobriety to last a lifetime.

Reality Television - "Boss"

I have just watched a TV series on More 4 called "Boss", set in Chicago . It is a tale of modern American politics, which I find interesting, not least because it is so corrupt & un-democratic. Where America leads we tend to follow, in more ways than one.

Over the years the public has become conditioned & de-sensitised to sex & nudity on TV & in films. In contrast I remember going to see "Hair" in the 60's & the public furore that caused. It seems very tame now. I am the generation that was used to sex being inferred or sanitised, with those participating decorously covered in sheets. "Boss" eschewed any such niceties. Nothing whatsoever was left to the imagination in the coupling of it's stars. It was coupling, lust not love, over in seconds, with no foreplay or conversation. I find myself wondering if we actually know what the difference is between titillation, pornography & gratuitous sex & nudity any more.

I also wonder how the actors justify allowing themselves to be exploited in this way. Are they that desperate for a role or money, they have no self respect whatsoever. Even more amazing what does it do to their relationships with their partners & children? How do you instill any boundaries or moral values in your children if they know the world has seen you in such graphic scenes? Is sex nowadays really just a quickie, over in seconds, instantaneous gratification with almost anyone? The scenes I saw looked as if the actors were actually having intercourse, in fact they may well have been, & if they weren't they might as well have done.

I am also perplexed that seemingly actors aren't inhibited by cultural norms which don't seem to apply to TV or films. I doubt that many of us would go to the toilet or engage in sex in full view of the general public. Yet they expose themselves to the view of millions.

Nowadays, when you have no way of knowing what is going to appear on your screen, you need to be wary who you watch TV or a film with. I would be embarrassed to have watched this with my parents, or my daughter for that matter. Does the audience really need to see actors going to the toilet & wiping their bottoms, in full view? Is it really necessary to the plot line? Is the current generation so lacking in imagination that they have to actually see it happening?

I'm not advocating a return to the Doris Day school of acting. I have seen gritty dramatisations in which the character & plot demanded reality. But please, give the audience credit for some ability to think for themselves & use their imagination. I think we are debased as a species by this current "reality drama". It ignores the intricacies of human relationships, which are far more interesting than seeing graphic sex scenes full screen. We need to protect girls & women from being exploited. If we don't, when will seeing children in similar scenes become acceptable?

If individuals want pornography let them seek it out & be vulnerable to prosecution. I wonder how realistic a picture of the average lifestyle this is. I begin to suspect that actually a lot of people get their sexual experience vicariously through these reality shows & don't experience anything like it in their own lives at all. How sad.

Food - Keeping body & soul together.

One of the things that happens when you suddenly become single after years of being part of a couple is that your relationship with food changes. I have always cooked from good fresh ingredients & mealtimes were when we came together & talked - about all sorts of things from the mundane to the philosophical. Mealtimes were looked forward to, sharing food with someone you like being with is one of life's simple pleasures.

Suddenly mealtimes simply punctuate the day. Even if you do continue cooking from scratch, and I do, you don't linger over your food. In fact sometimes you barely notice what you eat because you are reading a book, doing a crossword or watching TV news. Sometimes you can't be bothered to go to all that effort just for yourself, so simply have something on toast or a sandwich to stave off hunger.

Occasionally I'll have a bought supermarket meal because I foolishly think it might be a treat. It never is. I've never had a frozen or cook chill meal that compared to anything home cooked. I don't know how people live on them permanently. Presumably they haven't ever tasted good food.

I sometimes think that I should lay the table properly, concentrate on enjoying the food & a glass of wine with a CD playing in the background. But eating alone is a very solitary thing - obviously, and to me the whole point of food is to share it & make the meal more than just keeping the body going like putting petrol in the car. It's important to taste the food, savour it, notice the flavours & textures in the mouth.

Whether it's family or friends, sitting around a table enjoying good food & conversation is something to be treasured. You don't realise how good it is until you lose it. So I am sad when I read that few families do that today. People eat different things, in different places & at different times. Often people eat "on the hoof" or at their computer screens. It's summed up in the phrase "grab a bite to eat".  Everything is wrong with that statement & attitude.

If the plethora of TV Chefs & their money making books could achieve anything at all it should be to get us all back round a table with a good, home cooked meal eating and enjoying food together. If they can't do that they are just a highly paid,  egotistical, waste of space.

Troops to Teachers.

We live in a world of instant coffee, fast food & instant gratification of our every whim. We expect our politicians to come up with instant answers & policy in a 2 minute soundbite. Considered, thoughtful policy which will stand the test of time doesn't really matter because they aren't interested in the long term. By the time the "flaws in the laws" emerge, the politicians of today will be long gone.

So I can't say I'm surprised by Michael Gove's flavour of the month - fast tracking non degree, ex armed forces personnel to be teachers in 2 years instead of the current 4 year degree course. It's a policy which has taken 3 years for the Department for Education to launch. Obviously they had their doubts too.

These "highly skilled", favoured few will spend 4 days a week in schools & 1 day a week in University. They will be awarded an honours degree after 2 years. Apparently they will bring "military values, discipline & a military ethos to our children. I wonder if that is what we really want for them. I also question whether that is what education is and should be about.

I want children to be in a learning environment with good teachers who encourage them to question things, find out for themselves & evaluate what they are being taught. Since when were military personnel trained to question orders? Or anything else for that matter. The whole military training seems to be about doing what you are told, exactly when & how you are told to do it. It's not so much about rewarding good behaviour as about ensuring no one steps out of line. If you want children to become soldiers, bring back conscription.

There are undoubtedly military personnel who would make good teachers. They may well have transferable skills appropriate to the classroom. That is also probably true of people in other walks of life, but we don't appear to be fast tracking them. It seems to me that there is something very right wing about this policy. I'm afraid I am reminded of someone else who targeted & militarised children and look where he got us.

Buying and Selling

There is a version of "sods law" which seems to apply in my life. Whenever I want to buy something it is scarce or other people want it too so the price is high. Conversely when I want to sell the bottom has dropped out of the market, so I lose money. Currently it's "brown furniture" hitherto known as antiques.

My proposed move to Oxford is the ideal opportunity to really look at what I want to take into my new home and life. I've done the antique thing - in the right setting the furniture & objets d'art are great. What's not to like about skill, craftsmanship & taste? I enjoyed the furniture in my last home. I brought a few chosen pieces here & still love them. Now I've had the valuers in and although some pieces have appreciated, the majority are the same or less than I paid for them.

But, and it's an important but, I have had real pleasure from them for up to 40 years. Furniture has been functional as well as beautiful. Objects have been decorative & pleasing to the eye. I have happy memories of the excitement of antique auctions & pottering around antique / junk shops with my husband. I wonder how many things mass produced today in factories will stand that test of time? I don't believe in form over function, both are necessary and antiques give you both. So I will sell & take the loss in some cases. I doubt I would even be able to sell modern stuff.

Similarly with houses. I'm moving from an area where the property market labours under the current financial situation to an area where there are far more buyers than sellers. Both the properties I have been really interested in have had several prospective purchasers & the sale has gone to sealed bids. That extends the time & the stress of buying. You have to take a guess as to how much to offer & hope. The whole thing is down to luck & I don't think there's much of that in my DNA.

It just goes to show that you shouldn't be too attached to possessions and money. Ultimately you don't own anything because everyone leaves this world with nothing. I'm still keeping everything crossed that I get my house when the sealed bids are opened this Friday though.

Slavery - A Free World?

At the lower end of the spectrum we talk about being "wage slaves" or "debt slaves". The other end of the spectrum includes slave labour, forced marriage, child slavery, child soldiers, sex slavery & trafficking. People are seen as property. They are bought & sold & held against their will, sometimes by elite minorities.

The slave trade goes right back to ancient Greece in the 5thC & 6thC BC. The Romans enslaved whole populations they had defeated. Medieval Europe was heavily involved in the slave trade. Islamic Empires enslaved black Africans. Amerindians - the Aztecs & Inca, enslaved those they conquered & didn't kill. An estimated 12 million Africans arrived in the Americas in the 16th - 19th centuries. Nazi Germany enslaved 12 million people.

Slavery didn't start to be abolished until the 19th century. The last country to abolish slavery was Mauritania in 1981.

Human beings have a long tradition of enslaving other human beings they conveniently see as less human than themselves. Or they simply don't care about what they are doing. In 1999 there were estimated to be up to 27 million slaves in the world. The majority were women and children. It is estimated that between 1.5 and 1.8 million people are trafficked per annum. That is bound to be an under estimate.

Today slavery is big business. Child & slave labour provides the goods that big multinational companies sell for unbelievable profit. We - all of us buy those goods and ignore the human cost. Slavery crosses borders & continents. It is condoned as a price that has to be paid to fill the consumer demand for cheap goods. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "slave to fashion".

The sex trade feeds what seems to be the insatiable desire of men for every kind of sex with boys, girls, men & women. Sex is a commodity & there is a profit to be made.

Given the long history how do you stop it? Is it even possible? I don't know. But I do know that we are all tarnished by it if we ignore the brutal reality of it. In this world of instantaneous communication we cannot say we didn't know. If we know and do nothing we are as complicit as those who actually perpetrate it.