Tolerance & Intolerance

Should intolerance be tolerated? What behaviour is tolerable or intolerable? Who decides?

I met some friends who I haven't seen for a very long time yesterday. It didn't go well. I was at school with the woman & we have always been very different in everything. The friendship lapsed for years after school. When it resumed our husbands became good friends. So after my husband died we continued to meet very intermittantly.

The pub we met in got good reviews but really didn't live up to expectations. It was cold & not very busy. My friend & I ordered fish & chips. The food came quickly, which maybe should have been a clue. It was dreadful. The peas were cold & watery. There wasn't much fish inside the batter & it was overcooked, as were the chips. I did complain about the peas, but didn't want to make a fuss so ate the meal without peas. When the waitress cleared the plates my friend complained, very aggressively I thought, to the waitress. I was embarrassed because I wouldn't speak to someone in that way. Especially as it wasn't the waitresses fault & we had eated the food.

My friend was annoyed that her husband & I hadn't supported her, although I had agreed that the food wasn't good. I think his meal was fine. I said that I thought that the way she had complained wasn't how I would have handled it. I didn't say I found it embarrassing, but I did. My friend got more & more annoyed that her husband & I obviously thought that the complaint should have been handled better. We paid & parted.

The interesting thing about this little episode is it raises the question of what we as individuals should overlook & what we shouldn't. I find myself wondering whether I should not have said anything when I was challenged for, in her view, not supporting her complaint. 

In my view my friend is convinced of the rightness of her opinions. She prides herself on speaking out. There are no grey areas. You are with her or against her. I don't feel that she has a filter, or much capacity to hear other points of view. She tends to speak for her husband & dominates the conversation. 

There had been an earlier disagreement about entitlement to respect. My friend felt that as a 79 year old she is entitled to respect & people should not refer to her by her Christian name without asking her permission. Her husband & I disagreed. I don't care if people I don't know, like medics & receptionists, call me by my christian name. I care more about how they do their job. A title seems irrelevant to me & is quite old fashioned. But my friend was annoyed that we didn't agree with her. 

So a longstanding, but very on & off friendship bites the dust. I am a bit sad, but also relieved. I don't have to tread on eggshells anymore. I don't have to bite my tongue. I do wonder how her family tolerate her behaviour though. But then that is what familes tend to do, so the behaviour continues.