The Purpose of Life

I've always been very task driven - prioritised lists, copious use of a highlighter, a need to be doing something worthwhile / useful during the day. The thought of watching daytime TV is anathema to me, although I do spend most evenings doing that. Although I've been retired since I was 46, I've had a string of challenging & interesting voluntary jobs.

Therefor I am finding it strange to be slowing down now that I'm 68. I am capable of whiling away hours on my computer, reading a book, doing a general knowledge crossword etc etc. Even more odd is the fact that although I may well be able to think of something meaningful to do, eg gardening, sorting out paperwork, cleaning out cupboards....I have a problem focusing my brain & making the effort to do any of it.

Days stretch ahead with nothing in particular to do, especially now that my work in Gloucester prison has ended because it has closed. It is entirely possible, even probable that I won't see anyone at all on some days. I don't have a problem with that. I do have lots of people who I enjoy seeing & doing things with. My calendar seems to fill up of it's own accord. But I do also enjoy the freedom of my solitude. I'm just puzzled that I seem to be changing.

The Calvanistic work ethic that has ruled my life up till now is losing it's hold on me. I have realised that people are more important than tasks. I know that the task will always be there, but the person won't. I have spent my life being reliable, conscientious, hard working & driven. I have paid a high price for that in terms of health & now am unable to do a lot of things.

Now I am trying to break the habits of a lifetime & enjoy myself doing what I really want to do, not what someone else expects me to do. I'm going to practice being selfish & put myself first.

The pity of it all is that by the time one realises all of this it's almost too late. I couldn't tell the young people that I know well that they are following the same path I did & it may have similar consequences. This degree of self knowledge only comes with experience. The young, quite rightly, go their own way, convinced that we are just too old to understand.