Time

"... time is circular. .....we may view time as a straight and infinite line. Time is spiral. ....it may seem that in all our travelling we have returned to the place where we began." Naomi Alderman - "Disobedience"

I think time expands & contracts. When I was little I seemed to have all the time in the world to do what I wanted. I could spend hours doing very little, like playing marbles or skipping, or ball games to rhymes, & always seemed to be chivvied to do something else I didn't much want to do. I don't remember having a watch when I was a child, so I don't think I was aware of time passing, only whether I was happy, or not.

As I got older summers were long, as were terms at school. If I was bored or was waiting for something to happen time seemed unending. I could get lost in time when playing the piano or reading a book. If I was really enjoying myself, which didn't happen that often, it seemed to be over far too quickly. I don't think I understood the adult obsession with time. It seemed to me that you should enjoy what you were doing. But in my home, pleasure was akin to sin. Tasks were important & should be done well.

When I was older I too became obsessed with time & the implications of being later than I was allowed to be.The penalty for being home late from school or from the youth club or my Saturday job was dire. I was afraid of being late. Even when I had been living away at college I was expected to be home by 10pm. To this day I am usually on time or even early for appointments because I was so conditioned & afraid of being late.

As an adult my life became a balancing act of tasks to be done. Home, husband, child, work, social life, parents, all made demands on my time. My life became dominated by diaries, calendars & lists - prioritised lists!

Now I am retired & not fit enough to do anything very strenuous I have time to spare. I'm re-learning how to spend time doing very little - reading, doing crosswords, embroidery, a little gardening, swimming, seeing friends. It doesn't come easy. I'm used to doing meaningful, useful things with my time. Hence I do two challenging voluntary jobs. I do wonder why.

In theory I could do anything with my time that I want, providing I have the physical capability. I suspect that although I have come full circle, I was so thoroughly programmed in the work ethic as a child, I am unable to change.

But time is not infinite. I have less left now than I did previously. I know that I must do what I want to do now, because there may not be a tomorrow. Yet still I waste time doing things I don't want to do. I must try harder to enjoy my time, it's very valuable.