Being 80

I will be 80 next week. Every day I think about the increasing odds that I won’t be here tomorrow. That fact isn’t difficult to deal with. The uncertainty of “how” is. This is the 16^th year of living alone & learning to cope with life. I value my independence. I value my own routine. I don’t want to have to rely on someone else unless absolutely necessary.

My daughter & her family live a few minutes away, but they all have busy lives. Currently its been 9 days since I have seen or spoken to any of them. I understand that. I experienced it all myself – a profession, a family, & a social life takes time & effort. But it is hard to feel that you are “out of sight & out of mind” of those closest to you.

Living to this age makes me realise that I could have done better myself with my parents & in laws. But that self knowledge only comes with age & experience. My husband & I had a difficult relationship with both my parents & his. The generation gap between us was huge. The generation gap now between me & my family is equally huge. “T’was ever thus” – (Dickens “Old Curiosity Shop”).

I don’t believe, as my mother did, & I suspect my mother in law did, that a child owes their parent a debt of gratitude & has responsibility for them in their old age or infirmity. Parents choose to have children & do owe them care & protection that does last a lifetime. Separation of children from their parents as they enter adulthood is normal & important. That is hard for parents to cope with. Some never let go.

I don’t believe that you can force your children & grandchildren to love & respect you. They have to want to love you & care for you. They have to want to know what you have been doing & how you are. They have to want to visit you or phone & chat. A WhatsApp or text isn't the same.

In my view when we are young adults we are self absorbed. We are time poor. We have to balance a job, running a home, a life & relationships. We compartmentalise & often prioritise ourselves & what we want or our immediate family & friends demand. We might sympathise with other peoples lives & problems but we are unable to fully empathise with situations we have not experienced.

When you are old your perspectives change. If you are thoughtful & introspective you gain insight with a lifetime of experience.

The reality of being alone at 80 is that I could have an accident, a stroke or a heart attack at any time. I could die peacefully in my sleep or I could be in pain. When that happens I could be alone in the house & no one would know. Possibly for days or even weeks. It happened to my mother in law.

Hopefully the probability is small. But I have no way of knowing & there is nothing else I can do to be safer. But I am lucky. I designed, renovated and adapted a home & I wear a tele-alarm. I have good friends who I hope might notice I’m not doing the things I normally do.

But the reality is that its all a gamble. My life could end at any time, (as could yours). So I think it’s important to try to achieve something every day & make living purposeful. We all need to feel it’s worth getting up in the morning.

Shame & Responsibility

I may be wrong, but I don't think I have anything that I need to be hugely ashamed of. That's not to say I'm perfect, far from it. I make mistakes & when I was younger I was far more volatile & emotional about things. But I do tend to think about what I do & say. I also have quite a noisy conscience & inner voice. 

Shame - "a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety"

              "a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute"

              "something that brings censure or reproach - something to be regretted " 

Occasionally eyebrows are raised because I do sometimes swear. For some reason people don't expect an 80 year old to swear. I also probably hold views considered by the "woke" to be politically incorrect. But actually I'm not ashamed of either of those. I don't aspire to perfection. I'm happy with my flaws. 

I am ashamed about some elements of our world today. I'm ashamed of how we have polluted our wonderful planet from the air we breath to the oceans & continents. I'm ashamed of how lacking in any moral compass politics & some international organisations & companies are. It's all very destructive. I am ashamed of how we have allowed inexcusable polarity in wealth & access to basic rights in the peoples of every country. I am ashamed of the current death & destruction perpetrated by countries on innocent victims casually referred to as "collateral damage". 

I do feel resonsible for some of this. I have watched climate change for decades & have contributed to it by my choices. Sometimes unknowingly, but not always. I have been responsible for some of the pollution, again sometimes unknowingly, sometimes not. As I aged & was wealthy enough to travel more worldwide & work in countries like Malawi & Nepal I realised just how fortunate I was. Seeing poverty in places like Yemen, Ethiopia & India makes you realise clearly how much we in the Northern hemisphere take for granted.

Although I was politically active when I was younger, family & work took up most of my life. I didn't do enough. Now I do have time, I'm only physically capable of supporting carefully chosen charities & politically lobbying a lot. The main thing I try to do is act as a primary source & commentator, through this blog. I will never be an influencer, but I do know I am read on Europe, Asia, America & Canada.

I believe the existential threat humanity is facing means that everyone has a responsibility to be well informed & to take action. We should all be ashamed of some of the things that are happening in our world & our lifetime. 

We all need to be brave enough to speak out & say "Not in my name".

  

Choices & Opportunity

I don't make New Year resolutions. I know I will fall by the wayside of good intention.

I do believe that I always have the opportunity to be a better person by making better choices. This can be anything from the food I eat & the amount of exercise I do, to how I behave to other people. It also includes what I spend my time doing, whether it's self based action or action on behalf of others.

There is always a choice. The problem is how difficult that choice might be. For instance I doubt that I am particularly brave. So if I saw someone in danger would I help if it put me in danger too? I don't know until it happens, but I hope I would try. The quid pro quo is that I hope someone would choose to help me in the same situation.

I think we are all self centred in some ways. We choose to do or not do things according to the benefit or loss to ourselves. The important thing is to be aware of that & try to be more empathetic & sympathetic to other people. 

People allow themselves to become motivated by gain in money, prestige, power, & posessions. All of those things cease when we die, except for a small number of people who leave a genuine legacy. Not money or things in their will. A legacy of good choices & opportunity for others.

As I've aged I am more & more aware of what my life legacy might be. Not because I'm religious & believe that St Peter will tot it all up at the pearly gates in order to let me in or lock me out. But because, although I am just a grain of sand in history, I think that everyone's life should mean something. There should be a good outcome from being here.

But I also do believe in Karma. There will be some payment extracted, at some time, for those people who have not made good choices or who have not taken opportunities to be kind or benefit others.