Personality Clashes & Argument

Friends drift in & out of ones life for numerous reasons. Some stay the course for years & are a continual source of joy & support. Our interactions with new people we meet vary hugely. Sometimes we know, seemingly instantly, whether we like them & have things in common, or we don't particularly want to spend much time with them. Sometimes the reaction to a person or a situation is much more difficult.

If we really disagree with something someone has said, done, not said or not done & we feel strongly that it isn't something we agree with, what do we do? Do we confront it head on & possibly try to understand why it has happened? Do we argue our case, but listen to the other perspective? Do we do nothing because we don't like to rock the boat? Confronting difficult issues isn't easy. There is a risk it will get out of hand & a friendship is lost. 

I had one friend for decades. It was always a slightly difficult relationship, but we had a lot in common & I really admired her for her intellect & knowledge. It started because my husband & her boyfriend worked together & were friends. Over the years I felt she was quite abraisive & also that she backed out of arrangements quite often. But I wasn't perfect - I'm sure I had failings too. After my husband died I became more my own person. I was less prepared to tolerate things I didn't agree with to keep the peace. So there was a big personality clash & now we are estranged.

I have had friends who decided their marriages were not working. They were not getting what they wanted from the relationship. The clash between needs & expectations broke the relationship.

We humans are complex social beings. Being isolated or alone a lot does not suit most of us. So we have to learn to navigate the ups & downs of any interaction with other people. We have to find a way to articulate what we feel without agression & blame. We have to learn to listen & try to understand a different point of view. 

I don't feel arguing is wrong or bad. What matters is how you do it. Sometimes you do need to stand up for your point of view & clear the air. People generally are not bad, but sometimes they make mistakes & their actions or omissions may not be acceptable. 

Our world today is full of argument & clashes, personality clashes seem to lead to something far worse. We must not de-humanise people who have a different culture & belief system. On Holocaust Day I found myself thinking how could the Israeli Palestinian war be happening? Have we learned nothing from the tragedy of war & Genocide? 

The evidence seems to be that the answer is no.

Public Inquiries - Costly Long Grass?

Statutory or Non Statutory Public Inquiries today can last for years & cost millions. On 16 September 2024 the House of Lords Statutory Inquiries Committee published its report looking into the efficacy of the law and practice relating to statutory public inquiries. It said that "18 inquiries ha(d) been taking place in the UK (that) year and the Grenfell Inquiry alone cost £173 million. Inquiries are frequently too long and expensive, leading to a loss of public confidence and protracted trauma for victims and survivors".

https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld5901/ldselect/ldstatinq/9/9.pdf   

An earlier report was published in 2014 which made 33 recommendations. 19 were accepted and 14 were rejected. Of the recommendations accepted by the Government, none was subsequently implemented.

It isn't that we don't know that our system doesn't work. It isn't that the Government doesn't know that it doesn't work. No one, least of all the victims, are well served by this. Everyone who really thinks about it knows that it's death knell has been ringing loud & clear for decades. 

So why does the public clamour for it? Why do Governments set them up only to completely ignore the findings?

The public seem to have blind faith, without any evidence, that something will change as a result. Public inquiries are supposedly investigations set up by Government ministers to respond to events of major public concern or to consider controversial public policy issues. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, the public seem to believe that is true. Also, there simply doesn't appear to be any viable alternative to address valid public concerns.

I think Govenments use them to procrastinate & delay making change. Public Inquiries are not legally binding. The Chair can only make recommendations. "Government has spent £639m on public inquiries over the last 30 years and increasingly relies on them to examine major incidents and tragedies. Of the 68 public inquiries that took place since 1990, only six have been fully followed-up by select committees to see what government did as a result of the inquiry" according to;-

https://www.instituteforgovernment.org.uk/publication/report/how-public-inquiries-can-lead-change 

We are supposed to be a beacon of democracy. Really? I can't see much evidence of democracy being served here. All I can see is a complete waste of time & shedloads of public money.

Something has to change.

Trumps Second Term

I didn't watch the inauguration - couldn't bear to watch Trumps face & see all the entitled & wealthy people cheering his every utterance. A few people had to be there & some were brave enough to not stand & clap. I did listen with growing horror to his speech, which he has followed with immediate devastating action, some of which is already being challenged in the Courts.

https://news.sky.com/story/donald-trump-inauguration-speech-in-full-13293142

The hubris & self delusion of the man knows no bounds - "the golden age of America begins right now". The promises made are simply not possible to fulfil. "Sunlight is (not) pouring over the entire world". 

While the American government has made mistakes & certainly needs root & branch change, Trumps charges against the State are populist & full of conspiracy half truths & lies. His jingoistic rhetoric may delight his followers, but intelligent, thinking, people know that there is a deep humanitarian population migration issue that is affecting peoples everywhere. It won't be solved by repatriation & walls, as we in the UK know only too well. 

Trump believes that he has "a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal, and all of these many betrayals that have taken place and to give the people back their faith, their wealth, their democracy". 63.7% of eligible voters turned out. Trump won 77,284,118 votes, or 49.8 percent of the votes cast for president. That's less than half. He undoubtedly won according to the complicated American system, which depends on vast amounts of money spent. But is that really a mandate to throw a wrecking ball at everything? Including pardoning rioters & demeaning the Law & law enforcement?

I am so impressed with the Right Rev. Mariann Budde, the Episcopal Bishop of Washington, who dared to speak truth to power with Trump sitting in the front row. 

 

https://www.forbes.com/sites/siladityaray/2025/01/22/what-did-the-bishop-say-to-trump-during-prayer-service-heres-the-full-transcript/

Someone needs to stand up to the cadre of self obsessed, money & power grabbing, leaders we see in the world today. They are wreaking havoc on everything & everyone. We are living in very dangerous times. We all need to stand up to this "Emperors New Clothes" world we are living in.

 

Being 80

I will be 80 next week. Every day I think about the increasing odds that I won’t be here tomorrow. That fact isn’t difficult to deal with. The uncertainty of “how” is. This is the 16^th year of living alone & learning to cope with life. I value my independence. I value my own routine. I don’t want to have to rely on someone else unless absolutely necessary.

My daughter & her family live a few minutes away, but they all have busy lives. Currently its been 9 days since I have seen or spoken to any of them. I understand that. I experienced it all myself – a profession, a family, & a social life takes time & effort. But it is hard to feel that you are “out of sight & out of mind” of those closest to you.

Living to this age makes me realise that I could have done better myself with my parents & in laws. But that self knowledge only comes with age & experience. My husband & I had a difficult relationship with both my parents & his. The generation gap between us was huge. The generation gap now between me & my family is equally huge. “T’was ever thus” – (Dickens “Old Curiosity Shop”).

I don’t believe, as my mother did, & I suspect my mother in law did, that a child owes their parent a debt of gratitude & has responsibility for them in their old age or infirmity. Parents choose to have children & do owe them care & protection that does last a lifetime. Separation of children from their parents as they enter adulthood is normal & important. That is hard for parents to cope with. Some never let go.

I don’t believe that you can force your children & grandchildren to love & respect you. They have to want to love you & care for you. They have to want to know what you have been doing & how you are. They have to want to visit you or phone & chat. A WhatsApp or text isn't the same.

In my view when we are young adults we are self absorbed. We are time poor. We have to balance a job, running a home, a life & relationships. We compartmentalise & often prioritise ourselves & what we want or our immediate family & friends demand. We might sympathise with other peoples lives & problems but we are unable to fully empathise with situations we have not experienced.

When you are old your perspectives change. If you are thoughtful & introspective you gain insight with a lifetime of experience.

The reality of being alone at 80 is that I could have an accident, a stroke or a heart attack at any time. I could die peacefully in my sleep or I could be in pain. When that happens I could be alone in the house & no one would know. Possibly for days or even weeks. It happened to my mother in law.

Hopefully the probability is small. But I have no way of knowing & there is nothing else I can do to be safer. But I am lucky. I designed, renovated and adapted a home & I wear a tele-alarm. I have good friends who I hope might notice I’m not doing the things I normally do.

But the reality is that its all a gamble. My life could end at any time, (as could yours). So I think it’s important to try to achieve something every day & make living purposeful. We all need to feel it’s worth getting up in the morning.

Shame & Responsibility

I may be wrong, but I don't think I have anything that I need to be hugely ashamed of. That's not to say I'm perfect, far from it. I make mistakes & when I was younger I was far more volatile & emotional about things. But I do tend to think about what I do & say. I also have quite a noisy conscience & inner voice. 

Shame - "a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety"

              "a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute"

              "something that brings censure or reproach - something to be regretted " 

Occasionally eyebrows are raised because I do sometimes swear. For some reason people don't expect an 80 year old to swear. I also probably hold views considered by the "woke" to be politically incorrect. But actually I'm not ashamed of either of those. I don't aspire to perfection. I'm happy with my flaws. 

I am ashamed about some elements of our world today. I'm ashamed of how we have polluted our wonderful planet from the air we breath to the oceans & continents. I'm ashamed of how lacking in any moral compass politics & some international organisations & companies are. It's all very destructive. I am ashamed of how we have allowed inexcusable polarity in wealth & access to basic rights in the peoples of every country. I am ashamed of the current death & destruction perpetrated by countries on innocent victims casually referred to as "collateral damage". 

I do feel resonsible for some of this. I have watched climate change for decades & have contributed to it by my choices. Sometimes unknowingly, but not always. I have been responsible for some of the pollution, again sometimes unknowingly, sometimes not. As I aged & was wealthy enough to travel more worldwide & work in countries like Malawi & Nepal I realised just how fortunate I was. Seeing poverty in places like Yemen, Ethiopia & India makes you realise clearly how much we in the Northern hemisphere take for granted.

Although I was politically active when I was younger, family & work took up most of my life. I didn't do enough. Now I do have time, I'm only physically capable of supporting carefully chosen charities & politically lobbying a lot. The main thing I try to do is act as a primary source & commentator, through this blog. I will never be an influencer, but I do know I am read on Europe, Asia, America & Canada.

I believe the existential threat humanity is facing means that everyone has a responsibility to be well informed & to take action. We should all be ashamed of some of the things that are happening in our world & our lifetime. 

We all need to be brave enough to speak out & say "Not in my name".

  

Choices & Opportunity

I don't make New Year resolutions. I know I will fall by the wayside of good intention.

I do believe that I always have the opportunity to be a better person by making better choices. This can be anything from the food I eat & the amount of exercise I do, to how I behave to other people. It also includes what I spend my time doing, whether it's self based action or action on behalf of others.

There is always a choice. The problem is how difficult that choice might be. For instance I doubt that I am particularly brave. So if I saw someone in danger would I help if it put me in danger too? I don't know until it happens, but I hope I would try. The quid pro quo is that I hope someone would choose to help me in the same situation.

I think we are all self centred in some ways. We choose to do or not do things according to the benefit or loss to ourselves. The important thing is to be aware of that & try to be more empathetic & sympathetic to other people. 

People allow themselves to become motivated by gain in money, prestige, power, & posessions. All of those things cease when we die, except for a small number of people who leave a genuine legacy. Not money or things in their will. A legacy of good choices & opportunity for others.

As I've aged I am more & more aware of what my life legacy might be. Not because I'm religious & believe that St Peter will tot it all up at the pearly gates in order to let me in or lock me out. But because, although I am just a grain of sand in history, I think that everyone's life should mean something. There should be a good outcome from being here.

But I also do believe in Karma. There will be some payment extracted, at some time, for those people who have not made good choices or who have not taken opportunities to be kind or benefit others.