Sex & Sensibility

Apologies to Jane Austin for messing with her title. She is wonderful on relationships.

It is not unusual to be in love or in lust with more than one person in a lifetime of relationships. It is not unusual to have several sexual partners, one night stands, or longer relationships which fail. According to studies, (& I have queries about the veracity some of the information because people lie & brag), 49% of people have had at least one one-night stand. Roughly 25% of people have sex weekly (long term / regular). Roughly 34.5% of young adults are in a relationship. 20% have had sex with someone whose name they didn't know. In a study of young adults (18-25), the average relationship length was nearly two years. Roughly 30% of Brits are sexually inactive, which can include both single people and those in relationships.

Sexual dynamics are nothing if not varied. When you talk about "normal" sex what do you mean? Is it the same as my interpretation or your partners? The term is subjective. Generally I think you are pretty safe with "consensual sexual activity between adults that is pleasurable & not harmful". It very much depends on your libido, your upbringing & your experience. Good communication & consent are vital. The danger is that this is blurred when one or both of the participants are drunk or on drugs. But discussing sexual needs, desires & "no go's" should be the norm. It doesn't need to be a long conversation!

When I was in my teens there was no sex education apart from diagrams in Biology. My mother thought that sex was a dirty word, something you have to tolerate as a woman. She certainly was never able to have a conversation about sex or relationships with me. My father felt it was nothing to do with him. We have moved on, but I still wonder if we are open enough about sex. There are still inhibitions & awkwardness, Brits are perceived to be more reserved about talking about it than Americans. In a 2022 survey 41% of men found it awkward to talk about sex, fantasies and desires with their partner. In the UK sex is generally seen as more casual compared to other countries like the USA. (Presumably because of the religious right wing). The stereotype of men constantly bragging about sexual conquests to their "buddies" exists, but is hopefully less than when I was a student, as we navigate a very different sexual arena 

Sex is a pleasurable activity.  During sex, your body releases a cocktail of "feel-good" hormones and neurotransmitters like Dopamine (pleasure / reward), Oxytocin (bonding / love), Endorphins (euphoria / pain relief) & Seratonin (mood), Prolactin (sleepiness),Adrenaline (energy / arousal). Chocolate is good, but not that good. 

We are more sexually liberated now & that is a good thing as long as our expectations are realistic & caring. Sexual gratification should be a two way street not a one way road. 

All of this said I do have a problem with sleeping around with anyone who is willing. It makes sex into a commodity. I certainly have a huge problem with the attitudes of some to women. Sex to my mind should at least involve liking if not love. It certainly should be respectful on the part of both participants. However women are just as capable of using men as men are of using women. I imagine it isn't unknown in the gay community either.

  

 

Situationships & Ambiguity

I had an enjoyable & interesting Christmas. Not least because I got to really chat to adult grandchildren & their cousins. I am very interested in what their generation think, not just about what is going on in the world, but also about life & relationships. Their lives are so different to mine now & also when I was their age.

So I learnt a new word. Situationship - A romantic or sexual connection without clear labels, commitment or defined boundaries. A grey area between friendship & relationship, which can involve intimacy & emotional connection. It's that last bit that concerns me a little, because it can lead to ambiguity. It's supposedly a relationship without expectations, which is fine if both people understand & are happy with that. If they aren't there is potential to cause confusion & anxiety, especially about the future. 

I've thought about it a bit since I came home. I really don't think this is actually a big change in relationships, it's just that this generation have given a grey area a name. No harm in that. Personal relationships on any level are tricky. There will probably always be misunderstanding & miscommunication. I know what I mean, but you may very well think I mean something else. The important things are honesty & respect.

Teenagers & young adults give the impression that they are fully developed mentally & physically & they really do know more than their parents or grandparents. Actually I think they do about some things. But equally so do we know stuff they don't because we have been around for longer. The human brain doesn't finish developing until around the mid to late 20's. Key areas like the prefrontal cortex (responsible for judgment and planning) mature last, often around age 25 or even into the early thirties. Complex fine-tuning of functions continues well into adulthood. 

There are also differences in the way that different genders think. Not only male & female, I imagine gender fluid brains vary too. Research indicates that male & female brains are wired differently in terms of connectivity. Male brains generally exhibit stronger, front-to-back connectivity within hemispheres, aiding perception and motor skills. Female brains tend to show more side-to-side connectivity between hemispheres, enhancing analytical and intuitive processing. 

Difference is good & can be complimentary. But that brings me back to my concern about ambiguity. So long as everyone in a relationship or situationship is clear & understands the perameters of what is going on I imagine it's fine. But if one partner masks what they really need or want in order to keep the situationship going & isn't honest, or if one isn't clear enough that they don't want any sort of commitment then I can envisage hurt & pain. 

Being young is wonderful. You should be free to experiment & learn from mistakes. But the amount of mental ill health in the young is worrying. 50% of mental health conditions start by 18. Sadly access to mental health provision is appallingly bad. So the young have to do what my generation did, have really good support systems within their family or friendship groups. Because actually in many cases just talking it over with someone does help a lot. 

There seems to be an explosion of mental health diagnosis. I'm not at all sure that is a good thing. Life is a bitch, you do have to learn to cope with it. We create our own thoughts, we have the power to create positive thoughts rather than negative ones. 

 

https://mentalhealth-uk.org/help-and-information/downloadable-resources/ 

 

State of Fear

Fear & anxiety are survival oriented responses to threats. They are emotional & physical responses to danger. They prepare us for fight, flight or freeze.

I am sitting here free from fear or anxiety, not facing any perceived threat. Safe in my own home, street & city.

However I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday about the state of fear that populations are kept in by politicians & the media. The "politics of fear," is a common and effective, though ethically debated, communication strategy, that seems to be used more & more regularly. Before you dismiss this as absolute rubbish there is extensive research confirming that fear & anxiety are strategically used to influence public opinion & behaviour.

Why? Well, several reasons;-

• Politicians want us to "rally round the flag" & trust them to handle the threat. They want us compliant.
• To influence voting behaviour - their party has the solution, not the opposition.
• Perpetual alarm stifles dissent
• In crises using specific fear inducing language & alarming statistics, as in Covid, encourages mass adherence to policy.

Similarly the media knows that emotional content, like fear & anxiety, drives consumption of their content. It captures more attention than positive news. Their business model incentivises sensationalism & negative bias. The story can run & run for days, ramping up the emotional & anxiety driven content. We have a distorted reality making people believe that the world is more dangerous than it actually is. Social media amplifies anxiety & anger. Misinformation spreads like wildfire.

Don't you get irritated by the way every information outlet repeats over & over the same story, often for days? Don't you get fed up of being drip fed the same information, the same interpretation of events? Often it is simply speculation, with no evidence whatsoever. So much so that we now have to have "fact checking". 

We are deliberately put in a vortex of fear. We are manipulated into compliance. 1984 had nothing on us. We can't tell the difference between fact & propaganda. Recently we are being prepared for the 3rd world war. An example is the World this Weekend on Sunday https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002ntq7  I have no idea how serious this threat is. But this programme is enough to get everyone asking for pamphlets telling us to be prepared, similar to those issued by Scandinavian countries in 2024. 

I really didn't expect to live in a world where I can't trust sources of information. Where the onus is on me to discriminate to avoid indoctrination.

 

At least Jonathan Pie can make us laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCMnJ4KicW8  But this really is no laughing matter. We are on a nihilistic trajectory with no apparent brake mechanism.

Navigation

If I'm going somewhere I like to have a mental map in my head. In the car I do use SatNav, but it's perameters aren't reliable & I prefer Ordnance Survey maps. I'm not always reliable either. I once turned right instead of left at the start of a long walk & by the time I discovered my error it was too late & we had to do the whole thing in reverse.

I also have a behaviour mental map. What I think is acceptable & what is not. We have to learn how to navigate, whether it's journeys or relationships. A fundamental part of learning to navigate relationships is parenting. The first 5 years of a childs life are the most important in terms of learning & the main role models for that child are their parents. Parents model both good behaviour & bad. The young child accepts the parents behaviour as the norm. However, as the child grows influences from friends, wider family, teachers, role models & a host of others can modify the behaviour patterns learnt. The child grows into adulthood reflecting the lessons learnt in how to navigate relationships. 

 

This process produces the huge variety of behaviour characteristics we can see worldwide. Humans are infinitely variable.

What concerns me is the tendency I am observing away from the moral code of all religions also a non believers moral compass. I see more agression, more unacceptable verbal abuse, a lack of tolerance of "otherness", a lack of truthfulness in people with power, wealth & influence, a tendency to isolationism & self interest.....Anger, territorialism, war, genocide, famine are all the result of this navigation to the "dark side".

I still believe we are inherently good. We certainly have the capacity to be good. To share, to be concerned for the plight of others, to be generous, kind & helpful, to put others first.

But it is a case of "use it or lose it". It truly is a battle between good & evil. Sometimes there is a cost to doing what is right, but we have to be prepared to pay that cost. The European Union avoided giving €200 billion of frozen Russian assets to fund Ukraine's war effort yesterday because a few countries put their own self interest before support for a country fighting for it's sovereign existance. Shame on them. We all might pay a huge price for that decision.

If we do not navigate towards the light we end up in darkness. 

Light & Enlightenment

When I was a child I was convinced there were snakes hiding under the bed when I went to bed. I searched every night. When I switched the light off I thought that they were there in the dark, but they couldn't get to me. No idea why.

At this dark time of year religions have festivals of light - Diwali, Candlemass & Hanukkah for example. Buddism is based on the path to Enlightenment. Shetland has a Viking fire festival, Up Helly Aa, in January. Lamps, candles & fireworks are used to bring light to the world. Light is important symbolically, metaphorically & in reality. 

Without light we simply could not exist & without enlightenment we as a species will descend into darkness.

The Age of Enlightenment in the 17th - 18th centuries was an intellectual movement championing reason, individualism, and skepticism over tradition, superstition, and blind faith. Applying scientific methods to society to promote liberty, progress, and human rights. Fundamentally shaping modern democracy, government, and secular thought.

It seems to me we are in desperate need of a second age of enlightenment now. Reason seems to have flown out of the window. Tradition, superstition & blind faith are dragging religions back to the dark ages. Rational thought & scientific enquiry, which should be the backbone of how we manage our lives & our societies seem to be denigrated in favour of gut reactionism & complete lack of logical thought.

We, who are so blessed with intellect & the tools to find the truth backed up by empirical evidence, ignore these & are led into black holes of belief unsupported by any evidence whatsoever. We listen to leaders & influencers with an agenda based on their own aggrandisment & power. We allow ourselves to believe utter rubbish. We seem to have lost the ability to discriminate, to think even.

 

In the way a plant needs light to grow & fruit, people need the light of truth & understanding to be the best that they are capable of being. We seem to be light years away from achieving that. But there is a chink of light. We all have choice. We just each need to make the right one. 

 

Helping Out

There are things I simply can't do now. I can't kneel down, if I do I can't get up again. Even bending down to pick things up from the floor isn't easy. It's all part of wearing out, of ageing. So I sometimes have to ask for help. Mostly I pay for it. I'm very lucky that I can. Currently one of the small, but irritating things I can't do is replace the battery in the christmas lights on my front door wreath. I just can't open the box the batteries are in. Fortunately at some point one of the family will come & do it. Again, I'm very lucky to have family nearby.

We all need help of one sort or another at some point. The corollary to that is that we can all help others too. Human decency means that we should be able to ask for help & give it. 

Examples of the decency & willingness to help of many people are always there. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily get as much publicity as the opposing tendency to ignore people who need help. To be isolationist & self centred. Me first, my family first, even my country first. 

 

Christmas is a time when charities ask for donations, hoping that the christmas spirit will encourage us to give a little of the money we spend on the festivities to others who aren't so lucky. But helping out isn't simply a question of donating cash, useful though that is. Often practical help is much better. A truly visible sign that you do care. Giving cash is relatively easy. Personal involvement demands more. 

One of the best volunteering things I have done was to help an organisation prepare the food for a free mass Christmas lunch in Oxford. They fed hundreds of people who would probably otherwise not have turkey & all the trimmings. Prepping huge amounts of veg that had been donated with a crowd of other volunteers was really uplifting. To me it said far more about the real meaning of Christmas than anything I had ever done at this time of year. 

Yes we should enjoy Christmas with friends & family. Simply sharing a meal & enjoying eachothers company is wonderful. But to my mind our way of celebrating Christmas, & also weddings today, has got completly out of hand. We are losing sight of the meaning of events like this. They have become a feast of over indulgence & spending.

The huge gap between the haves & the have nots is becoming unacceptable. Studies are showing that there is a shift in attitude. Pople are questioning how they celebrate in the context of circumstances both here in the UK & worldwide. I'm not alone in being a paid up member of the Bah Humbug club. 

 

Talent

I went to a concert in the Sheldonian in Oxford last night. I didn't know any of the Music, but am a fan of Mozart. We were in the cheap seats, no legroom, bench seats, the knees of people behind in your back... But the music transcended the pain. 

I watched the orchestra & marvelled at the skill of playing an instrument, reading the music, following the conductor, keeping pace with the singers & eachother - supreme multi tasking. Then there was the sound of a mass choir. I think there are about 150 of them. It is transporting. You feel the music in your whole body. A live performance is nothing like listening to a CD. You, the audience, are involved. 

It made me reflect on the talents, skills & capacities of human beings. Every form of human endeavour requires not just talent, but practice, determination, application. Those people didn't get to be there without a combination of talent & effort. Together they produced something sublime. 

The same is true of any field of endeavour, sport for example. Even learning skills like driving & cooking. In order to maximise the talent you have been born with you have to apply yourself, often for a very long time. You have to be prepared to practice. 

Not everyone can play an instrument or sing, but I do believe that we all have something special we are good at. Some of us build on that & hone it to excellence. Some allow it to lay dormant & do nothing to improve it. 

If  there had not been individuals who recognise what they have & work at it we would not have the wonderful music of the Mozarts & Haydens. We would not have the scientists who change the world. Or the entrpreneurs who set up companies. 

Society needs everyone to maximise the talent they have for the benefit of humanity as a whole. Even if the individual contribution is small, it is important. Everyone has value, we all just need to do what we can. Even if we fail, we should try.